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heart broken male: how did I get back to this point
May 23, 2006
7:13 pm
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Since my ex and I broke up I have been on an emotional rollercoaster. There was a time I thought I was over her and would be able to remain in friendly contact with her and her daughter. Over the last 5 months I have dated several women none of which were relationship material. My ex dated someone they broke up now she has a new boyfriend. I am once again depressed. I can't believe I let this happen to myself again. I am trying to be strong. Matter of fact I am seeing her tomorrow to drop something off for her daughter. This will have to be the last time I see her. I can't deal with the pain. I don't know if the pain stems from our broke up or my not being in a meaningful relationship. If I find someone to share my life with will I just be masking the pain? Anyway, this sucks.

May 23, 2006
7:39 pm
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looking forward mom
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hi hopefull. I'm female obviously but I understand where you are coming from. It's been almost 2 years for my break up and I still miss him dearly. I don't know if you ever listen to country music, but Kenny Rogers has a new song out called "I can't unlove you" It touches me every time I hear it. It doesn't help me much to get over things but I still love the song. As for your question at the end---I can't say what it will be for you but I know for me, yes, I'm masking the pain. I've been in a relationship for almost a year now and I still cry over the ex bf. Hang in there hopefull---life throws you curves sometimes. But what choice do we have--life goes on regardless. I've just decided that I don't want it to go forward without me. 🙂

May 23, 2006
7:42 pm
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Do you suspect you feel bad because you blame yourself in some way for what happened? I'm going through the same thing. This girl I liked actually was messed up, but I couldnt resist because she was very pretty and intelligent and came to me herself.

The real problem was, she had depression and she fancied a lot of men and is unfaithful. Her depression just does it for her.

Now that it was a big mess and she pushed me away too and I wanted to also at times, its gotten to the point she doesnt want to talk to me, niether do I. A part of me wants her back. A part of me says "things could have been different IF".

The reality is, if she'd ended up with me, she would have the same problems as she had with her previous BF. She even said to me in the beginning she thinks she'll never have a good relationship because of her depression. My mind agrees with that all and knows I'm better away from her but my heart wants to be with her because things were nice at times.

Do you feel you cant get any better relationship than with her? Good luck, I feel the same way, so you're not alone. it sure is hard..! Today I'll try to read some of that self-esteem book and spend time on my own. I am seeing some other girls and they seem nice, if I can maintain my calm it could work out.

May 23, 2006
8:46 pm
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I have to say the biggest dissappointment is the fact that I am still shedding tears over this. I thought I was with that. I feel incredibly weak. At times it is easier to have an emotional let down than try to distract myself or trying to be happy. As crazy as it may sound I sometimes want to shed some tears. I must have serious issues because this breakup happened so long ago. Why does it still affect me?

May 23, 2006
8:56 pm
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Do you feel you have been resisting fully grieving over this? Do you feel when you feel sadness over the affair, you try to stop yourself? That resistanmce will cause suffering.

Try this small Callahan technique: Do a Karate Chop with one hand on the other (hit the side of your hand on the palm of another) and say three times: Even though [your problem], I accept myself profoundly and completely.

Say it slowly, as slow as you need to go to fully feel the meaning of this sentence. Word the problem correctly so it reflects as much meaning for you as possible.

e.g.:

"Even though I am very sad over the ending of this affair, I accept myself profoundly and completely"

May 23, 2006
8:59 pm
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I just got back from the mall and I never felt so alone. There were people all around but I felt like I was invisible. I feel like I am wasting my life by being depressed and feeling lonely all the time. I am currently involved with three women on a physical level. I have told them there was no chance of a relationship and I understood if they just wanted to have a platonic friendship. They all opted for the emotionless physical relationship. To be honest that is getting old fast. After having sex I wish I could tell the person I loved them rather than "Okay gotta go now" What the hell am I doing with myself?

May 23, 2006
9:01 pm
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I hear you guys thanks for the great advice and support

May 23, 2006
9:15 pm
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Wow and I thought I was unhappy. I seem to think if I had a physical relationship with anyone, I'd be happy but see that proves, if its not coming from within, it doesnt come from anywhere. If I too could totally accept this fact continually and know my happiness lies within, I could be OK.

May 23, 2006
9:16 pm
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mamac
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It is okay to greive. That is just part of the process. It sucks yes very much so. But whatever you do dont look for love again until you can wake up in the morning and not get sad. If you wait the person will get all of you and not all the hurt. Make sure you are ready before jumping in. Cry, get mad, be happy for a minute, cry again, cry again, get mad somemore, vent, cry and cry, then when the crying is over you will be able to think rationally {hopefully}, then figure out what you want. The best love is the one that is unexpected...

May 23, 2006
9:26 pm
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Mamac, your last line is a great one.

Guest, My happiness has nothing to do with having a physical relationhsip with someone. It is very empty and unfullfilling. Yeah it is nice to have someone to talk to. But I don't really care for these women. I am not disrespecting them because they chose to be in this type of relationship. Since my breakup 5 months ago I have been with close to ten women and I would give it all up for a meaningful relationship.

May 23, 2006
9:38 pm
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I am not throwing those numbers out to brag or boast. I am just expressing the fact that I would much rather have quality than quantity. I have three male friends that are either married or engaged and sadly they envy me and I envy them. Can anybody be happy with their situation nowadays?

May 23, 2006
9:42 pm
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mamac
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I think men somtimes deal with breakups differant then women. It is socially ok for them to have many women. Not saying it is right. But men also feel the same as women do I think, alone and need somthing to fill it. Sex is the easier option, no strings therefore no heart break. I cant imagine how hard it is to juggle that many women. I have a hard enough time with my one man. I know if I was heart broken It would take me soooo much longer to get over him if I was sleeping around. Like I said before, it is ok to hurt, I know I know men arent supposed to cry, but arent you a human being given that response at birth? Okay to hurt, you will heal faster, maybe alittle more time alone will help you just get it all out...

May 23, 2006
10:01 pm
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I regret the times I wasn't the best boyfriend to my ex. When I find The One, I am going to cherish her and do right by her. It may be the desperation talking, however, I want us to grow together and to be about each other. I miss that little anxious fluttering feeling in my stomach when I think about the one I love. I can't wait to recapture that.

May 23, 2006
10:02 pm
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Hi hopeful

I'm a woman, don't now or ever expect to understand the emotional differences there, but I can tell you that after 6 months, I am allright most of the time. I still have an occasional day where I am in "obsessive mode" - I just can't quit thinking about him. I took care of him for so long, and we spent so much time together. I believe it's normal to grieve deeply when you care about someone - it's a real loss when they're gone, no matter how bad for you they might have been.

Have you tried Al-Anon, which helps with unhealthy relationships, esp if alcohol or other drugs involved? That has helped me a lot, as has seeing a pyychiatrist, a counselor, and a preascription for Xanax, which I try to use sparingly.

Like you, it feels like it's time to move on. I wonder, too, what the hell's wrong with me. There are happy couples everywhere, springtime love and all that, I have no desire to date right now. I will, but not yet. Maybe your sexual relationships are just meeting a need right now (be careful), and you're not ready to emotionally commit.

Good luck to you.

SO

May 23, 2006
10:06 pm
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SO, During the six months how often did you see or talk to your ex if at all?

May 24, 2006
1:19 am
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Hi

Once - I agreed to meet him for a drink at a bar very close to our houses. At the bar, we had two beers, so maybe an hour of mostly superficial conversation. He kept trying to get me to come home with him - just friends, you know, but he's the kind of person who just takes and takes and lies too much. He kept calling me after we met at the bar - the phone was like a torture device...if I answered it, he would say he "thought about me every day", and stupid lies that I told him were lies. I always cried. If I didn't answer the phone, he would leave messages, he "was looking at pictures of our vacation"...stuff like that. This went on for two months, I was falling apart. So, I asked him not to call me anymore, told him I always loved to talk to him and it was hard to ask (very true before he f***-ed it all up), and I turned off his phone (on my bill, of course, the user), and changed my number. He sent me a BD e-mail which I didn't acknowledge, and that's it.

I can't have contact with him. He's deceptive, and a user, as well as a junkie and a crackhead...I have too much to lose. Above all, he's a "game-player"; I wouldn't doubt that he was amused by the chaos he created in my life. Heart of ice, with a very warm charming act.

Sorry to ramble . Saw him once - I tried, couldn't do it because of his games. The only way for me to get better was to have NO contact. I hate it, it was the last thing I wanted, loved that man to death, and I will always wish him well, but I must stay away.

Do you think there are people who, for whatever reason, will try to stay in touch for less-than-honest reasons? I do, and I think they target people like us, who are soft-hearted.

Hope this helps.

SO

May 24, 2006
8:22 am
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mamac
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hopefull32
I am sorry you have such regret, but just look at it as a learning experiance. Next time I wont do this or that, and stick to it. I know I have broken a few hearts and have much regret. I just had to change the things about how I treated my sig. other. I am in no way perfect, but I am learning still. I am in my early 30's and still learn more about myself everyday. I tell you if I had a dime for every time I have been cheated on I could retire to some island somewhere. My own "husband" has cheated on me. I said I forgive him but it is so hard to get over. I guess carma came back and bit me in the butt. I had a boyfriend in highschool and cheated on him. I still feel guilty about it. Although I wrote him a letter of apology recently. That really took off a load.
I dont know if the guilt of treating someone awful ever goes away, I just know I had to change, if not for somone elses well being but my own.

May 24, 2006
8:27 am
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startingover
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hopeful

Wishing you well as you plan to see this lady today, Try to keep it brief, and write here to let us know how it goes.

SO

May 24, 2006
8:41 am
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sewunique
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whoa there! since when is it not ok for the male gender to shed a tear?

I believe it is ok for men to cry, just socially perhaps not so openly accepted. But men have strong feelings as well; they just express them and say it a bit differently than women do. I think that a man is actually a stronger and more feeling type of person if he is able to cry.

I just has to share my view. I have seen some of the biggest, smartest guys, (not speaking of stature here) with the huggest hearts shed a tear or two.....it comes from the heart.

May 24, 2006
9:17 am
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taj64
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Dear Hopefull32, I personally feel that you have not met that "one" person that you want to share your life with. First getting over the girl will help you. It takes a lot of time. Having meaningless relationships with women who you know are not the ones maybe be a distraction from feeling this loss you have for the ex girlfriend. It helps for the moment but not in the long run because actually you have a big heart and are giving it out to those that are meaningful to you. I think you need to feel it hard before you can really move on. Just know in your heart that it may take a long time and 5 months may not be enough for you. You will meet someone, as you are still young as long as you stay hopeful. And while you grieve also enjoy the things that you can do. Have fun with life for a change.

May 24, 2006
1:26 pm
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I saw my ex a little more than an hour ago. The purpose of the visit was to drop off an item for her daughter. The encounter was very uneventful and awkward. It only lasted 3mins however I did give her a chocolate rose that I had bought for her 3 months ago but never had the opportunity to give her. So it sat in my freezer for all that time. She seemed to appreciate it and that was that. I then parked my car and had lunch (by myself) at the spot we use to frequent together. It may sound like I am trying to torture myself but I went strictly for the quesadillas. Anyway, Today has to be the new beginning for me. I have to be strong and get over this. I have no choice.

May 24, 2006
1:43 pm
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Hopeful

I'm glad things went peacefully for you. Yes, you do have to be strong, you have a difficult journey ahead of you. Some days will be better than others. Do you think you will be able to avoid contact for awhile, or is that your plan? I would have liked to remain friends, but it seemed to matter more to me than to him, so I let it go.

Try to be especially good to yourself today. Wishing you well at this stressful time.

SO

May 24, 2006
1:49 pm
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mamac
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good for you! Those must be some good quesadillas. HA ha. Anyway the chocolate rose what a nice thing to do. It is good that you are still being good to her daughter, that shows you are a good person.

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