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healing and letting go of 23 year old son's addiction
October 15, 2008
8:56 pm
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Healing.. and peace
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Hi.. I am new here, my son is 23 and is a drug addict. My husband and I, obviously tried to help him but after so much heart ache, and the problems that come along with a drug addict, we put our foot down and told him he had to leace 3 weeks ago. Now three weeks later, so much anger, and pain is surfacing on my part.. the "mom" syndrome letting go of my adult son, and trying to allow him to hit his bottom because I've hit mine... I can't take the pain his addiction caused me, his brother's, sister's and my husband his father.

Now in the last three days, I just seem to want to cry, like I've greiving with a lot of anger towards him... he came by today to get cloths and all I did was yell at him... but I didn't want to yell... it just hurts so bad and I'm not sure how to deal with all these feelings.

Please advise, I have found a co-dependent meeting but it is only on Sunday.. so for now I really want someone maybe to lean on and ask for advise. Right now I feel like someone has broken my heart more then I could have ever imagined possible. Any help please.. so many tears now.. I just want to let go, and have some peace in my life again. Thanks

October 15, 2008
9:12 pm
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((((Healing))))

Welocme to the site. I am so sorry that you are going through this. I have you attended Alanon meetiongs? Are you in therapy?

I am not a mom but I am sister of an addict. I watched as my parents tried their best to help my brother. It was so heart wrenching to watch them in so much pain. However, my Mom finally, after many, amany years cut him off completely. She told that was the best thing that she had ever done for herself.

Sorry that I am not able to write more now. I didn't realize until just now how difficult it is for deal with this issue.

Anyway, I just wanted to share that there is lots of help and self-help support groups out there.

(((Healing and Family)))

Precious

October 15, 2008
9:28 pm
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Precious, I found one meeting but it is not until Sunday.

I too have a sister that is a drug addict, and she has been for 30 years now, that was difficult to let go of, and still love her, and watch my mom and dad deal with as well.

This is just so differant for me, I love my sister, just like I do my son, but it hurts deeper then I can even express.. I really truly feel like I'm greiving or something.. I keep crying, and at the same time I'm so angry that he has hurt his sister's and brothers so much.. As I know how they feel, and I feel more hurt then I ever thought possible..he is my son and of course I love him. There are just so many mixed feelings.. I am going to call to see if I can get an appointment with a therapist... thanks

October 15, 2008
9:38 pm
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((((Healing))))

There is only 1 alanon meeting in your area? Wow! That is rough. I am glad that you are going to give counseling a try. It will defenitely help.

You are so right. It is so different when it is your own child who is going through this. I always told my Mom that I couldn't even begin to image the pain that she must feel watching your own child go through the horros of addiction.

Wishing you all the best.

Precious

October 15, 2008
10:58 pm
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atalose
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(((Healing)))

This was shared one night at an al-anon meeting for parents of alcoholics/addicts.

IF YOU LOVE ME, LET ME FALL

IF you love me let me fall all by myself. Don't try to spread a net out to catch me, don't throw a pillow under my ass to cushion the pain so I don't have to feel it, don't stand in the place I am going to land so that you can break the fall, (allowing yourself to get hurt instead of me)

Let me fall as far down as my addiction is going to take me, let me walk the valley alone all by myself, let me reach the bottom of the pit....trust that there is a bottom there somewhere even if you can't see it. The sooner you stop saving me from myself, stop rescuing me, trying to fix my broken-ness, trying to understand me to a fault, enabling me.....The sooner you allow me to feel the loss and consequences, the burden of my addiction on my shoulders and not yours....the sooner I will arrive....and on time....just right where I need to be...me, alone all by myself in the rubble of the lifestyle I lead...resist the urge to pull me out because that will only put me back at square one.

It I am allowed to stay at the bottom and live there for awhile, I am free to get sick of it on my own, free to begin to want out, free to look for a way out, and free to plan how I will climb back up to the top. In the beginning as I start to climb out....I just might slide back down, but don't worry I might have to hit bottom a couple more times before I make it out safe and sound.

Don't you see?? Don't you know?? You can't do this for me...I have to do it for myself, but if you are always breaking the fall how am I ever supposed to feel the pain that is part of the driving force to want to get well. It is my burden to carry, not yours.

I know you love me and that you mean well and a lot of what you do is because you don't know what to do and you act from your heart and from knowledge of what is best for me....but if you truly love me, let me go my own way, make my own choices be they bad or good.

Don't clip my wings before I can learn to fly....nudge me out of your safety net....trust the process and pray for me.....that one day I will not only fly, but maybe even soar.

Please try and find an al-anon or nar-anon meeting in your area, they really do help and you will meet other parents going through exactly what you and your family are going through. Maybe even family counseling in your area where they specialize in addiction. Keep posting…….

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

October 16, 2008
12:23 am
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((((Healing)))))
Hello dear lady, I am also a mother of 2 drug addicts and one alcoholic. When it was first brought to my attention many years ago, i buried my head in the sand. I prayed and thought it would just get better, well it didnt ...it got worse. and you know what, it must get worse before it can get better. About 3 years ago i made myself sick over my oldest son's drug use and life style, i ended up in the hospital, he ended up in jail. Enter...Alanon...what a gift and life-saver it has been for me.In Alanon you will learn to take the focus off the addict and put it back on yourself. We in alanon have a saying called the 3 C's..............
You didnt cause it..................
You cant control it...................
And...You cant cure it................
Bless your heart, i know your pain and so do so many others in alanon and naranon, please know that you are not alone, and also know that you can type in alanon and find online meetings and 24/7 chat rooms. I have found the peace and serenity i longed for thru Alanon. And by the way, 2 of my grown children are still active however my oldest son is now in recovery, has a year and is a different person....There is hope.....
Love in recovery, Peace4all

October 16, 2008
9:43 am
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Thanks you all, I agree 100% with all the advise.. I agree that he must fall, and his bottom is his bottom to reach and climb out of when and if he deside to do so... and Mine is mine as a co-dependent, and a "mother" to climb out of. Which is what lead me to this web page, I'm not here to learn how to help him, I know I can't, I know I didn't cause his addiction, I know I can't cure him or his addiction.

The only person I can help is myself, by learning, and taking care of my own well being emotionally and physically. It's so differant then what I felt with my sister years ago. Maybe in some sick co-dependent way I thought in the back of my mind that this would be easier because I went through the letting go process with my sister, and I thought that experience would make it easier on me.. Oh how wrong I was about that, and probably pretty stupid at the same time.

Now that I have stopped and given it some thought, it is like saying that once someone that you love and care about dies, that the next time won't hurt as much. It hurts all the same, the pain is just as real as the first time you lose someone you love.

Letting go, and giving up trying to help is similar to losing someone you love in the way of feelings surfacing because I'm giving up the power I thought I might have had, letting go of something that I have no control over at all. So in essence that part of me is dying, which is a good thing I know deep down inside, it just hurts.

Thanks again, I will keep posting.. as I grow and heal.

October 16, 2008
12:31 pm
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(((Healing..and peace)))

Good morning, i hope this day brings you a little more comfort in the middle of your crisis. I do have a slogan once spoken to me concerning my adult children, one who would call late at night very drunk. It seemed so simple once i read it.............
You have a right to set healthy boundries to protect yourself........
I understand how very difficult it is to detach from our children, however, when they are still active in their addiction, it is the best thing we can do for ourselves and them. I know it seems like this will never end or end in a bad way, i also felt that. I can only say that there are people who care and there is a light at the end of the road....Please think hard about attending Alanon, it can help you recover from this dark time.......Love and blessings to you and your family..Peace

October 16, 2008
12:45 pm
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Welcome Healing..and peace.

I have 2 teenage sons, and can only imagine the pain you're enduring....

A friend said it like this when speaking of her pain with 2 of her children: I have cried from the soles of my feet.

May you have some moments of peace and comfort each day of this journey.

Sending hugs your way:)

(((Healing..and peace)))

October 16, 2008
1:00 pm
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Hi Healing

My heart goes out to you. I do not have children, but I do have a father who is an alcoholic and drug user. Once I set my boundaries around his addiction. Yes I felt the pain, and I still do sometime.

However, these were my survival techniques and it got me through my darkest moment
1) I attended 12 step meetings. I felt my feelings.
2) I loved myself. I learned to be kind to myself and treat me well. I actually went for massages, etc to look after me. Now at this time I really didnt feel like doing it. However, it all helped in the long run.
3) I journaled
4) I surrounded myself with loving people
5) I ate healthily and drank water properly.
6) And I had the support of a therapist.

After all this, I got through. It worked for me. And it still does work for me.

I am sending loads of love.

Keep posting. People hear are wonderful, and have helped me so much.

xxx

October 16, 2008
2:56 pm
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Longshot, as I'm sure you can imagine your friend is so right, the depth of how much we love our children is not measurable.. and like a couple others have posted, letting go, and moving on is something I have to do for me... for my family, and for my drug addict son.

It's been difficult today, but at least I haven't cried at all today.. yet!!!! I'm trying, I did find another meeting it is a little further away but it is worth it.. It's tonight.

Thanks you all

October 16, 2008
3:01 pm
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I guess the way I feel right now is happy that i've stepped forward and have started to take the steps needed to help myself. Then I wrote the last post and started thinking about my son, when he was little... Curley hair with tiny freckles across the bridge of his nose.. HAPPY. HAPPY. HAPPY.. always.. smiling, and that picture I will keep in my mind because that is what makes me feel good when I think of him right now.

October 17, 2008
4:50 pm
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((((Healing..and peace))))

October 18, 2008
10:05 am
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Hi you all,

I've been to a few meetings now since I first posted.. They help while I'm there, and even when I'm not but then there are times when all of it creaps into my heart again. Especially when one of his brothers come by and say their brother called them, and he wanted to see them and spend time with them.. they are younger them him and it hurts them just as much as it hurts the rest of us... and I can't really advise them to go or not to go, as I know they have to be as ready as I am to let go, and that will be their own decission on their own, and in their own time.

My son also called me two nights ago now, and he told me that he has a sponsor and that he wants to do this all on his own.. Don't know if he truly does have a sponsor or not, and can only hope and pray that he does.

I got the book "Wonderful Boy" so far it's been easy to read. It is the same story that all parents have, just differant names,places, and drugs.... have any of you all read it? Just courious if I'm ready to finnish the book.. I'm now to the point in it, that I know that things are going to get heartbreaking... so just thought I'd ask.

October 18, 2008
10:25 am
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((((Healing and Peace))))~ I too have started reading that book, Wonderful Boy. I cannot imagine the pain you have gone through with your son!! I have a 4yr old little girl and I just hope that I never have to go through anything like that with her. She does have addiction on both sides of the family, however, I myself have been in Coda since she was 1yr old, and cut ties with her father very early on. I wanted her to grow up in a healthy environment.

I am also reading, "come back" it's a true story of a mother and daughter and what they went through with the daughter's addiction, due to being molested by her father at a very young age. It's heartbreaking, yet the strengh of the bond they have and the love between a mother and her child is truly amazing!

Sending *hugs* your way and please keep posting !!!!

October 18, 2008
11:58 am
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Giggles,

I can't tell you how I wish, I could say do it this way or do it that way... so that you never ever have to feel any of these feelings with your daughter... I have five kids. My husband and I, have been married for 31 years, we raised each one of our kids the same way, same love, same disapline, same education, all of them were involved in sports growing up, and some remain in sports and one is now a professional athelete. We sat at the dinner table every night for dinner as a family, not because we thought this was how you do it, but because it was just the way we got together as a family and the only time we all could sit down and take the time to talk and enjoy part of the day together.... before we were rushing off to this practice or that game, Coaching this sport or that with one of the five kids throughout their younger years.

They all were taught by us equally to say no to drugs, and they all were the age that DARE came into the schools as well. We taught them the best we could, right from wrong, and they all even the one that is an addict saw my sister's life fall apart.. and they all know and knew why and what she was doing, but it wasn't what we didn't do or did do, it was his choice and not until he was 21 years old did he ever try any drug at all.. It was after he and his girlfriend broke up.... the girl he was in love with, and "he couldn't take the pain".. those are his words.. so he started self medicating with pain pills.. addictive pain pills at that, that shouldn't even be out on the streets or prescibed other then in a hospice setting or in a hospital under treatment of a Doctor but they are, and we (meaning all of us) can't stop this from happening.

When the brake up happened, between him and his girlfriend I was there for him, his father was there for him...his sister's and brother's, Grandfather and Grandmother were all there for him, we all told him only what we know and knew to say at the time, your heart will heal and it will take time we promise... we let him know that we will be here anytime you feel you need to talk, we feel for your pain, but you will feel better in time. I embrassed him, held him when he felt like crying, I encouraged him to meet more people, he wanted to see a therapist, I took him, and even went in with him because he wanted me to be there for him.. but he found a differant way... when someone he knew from high school said just take this.. you will feel better.. and he said he did feel better while he took it, so he continued to take them.. he had a job that paid 26. an hour, he had purchased his own brand new car, he had saved money... and now it is all gone, the job, the car, the his money, everything... he still knows we love him no matter what, but we can't help him. We let him know that if he ever wants us to we will drive him to a re-hab.. he knows he can call and ask for a phone number for help... but that's all we can do for him now. Besides pray and help ourselves get through this... I spent many hours, days, months, wondering where we went wrong with him, what went wrong, and why did this happen to him.. and there are no answers. It's hard to except, and harder to live by, but if he is ever going to get help it has to be him to get it, we can't force him to go in for treatment.. He went to a re-hab and he was doing so well for a few months but his addiction was stronger then he was... so we (me and the rest of our family" continue to go to the coda meetings, and he continues to live his life his way. When he told me when he called a couple nights ago, to tell me he has a sponsor I let him know I was proud of him if he is telling me the truth and that I pray and hope that he can do this for himself.. and that I want him to know that no matter what I will always love him. He said he knows that without a doubt and that he doesn't blame any of us for not being able to be around him as long as he is taking drugs.. but he wants to do all this on his own.. moreless just using differant words he was telling me exactly what others at the meetings were telling me..and what I know deep down inside... he has to do it on his own.

Healing and Peace to all of us

October 18, 2008
12:07 pm
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((((Healing and Peace))))~ Oh yes I know there is nothing I can do to make sure she doesn't fall into anything like this. I can just do my best, as do we all.

I hope that your son can come around and really get the help he needs. You are right he needs to do this on his own. Addiction is a horrible disease, it's so overpowering and strong. I am just sooooo thankful that I myself have never self medicated. I just lost myself in others, which isn't good either, BUT I was able to put an end to that also. I know to never let my guard down. I am aware of my codependent tendencies and acknowledge them now, that's what Im hoping to pass onto my little one. That we all go through crap in life, but it's how you deal with it that matters. :o)

I give you *hugs* and am very proud of you for letting go of your son's addiction. I know how hard that is. I had to let go of my xbf (was with him for 13yrs), because of his addiction. It was killing me and I didn't even know who I was anymore. Whem my daughter was 1yr old I started Coda meetings and found this site. I really enjoyed the Coda meetings and having people to talk to that understood everything I was going through.

I have a book by Melody Beattie, "Codependent No More" and " The Codependent's Guide to the 12 Steps"...great books!!! Also "Love is a Choice" by Paul Minirth and the workbook that goes along with it.

October 18, 2008
12:20 pm
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Giggles,

I have the book "Codependant No More". I got that one years and years ago, when I was still enabling my sister... great book! The other two I don't have will go and get them today though.. You seem to be a sweet person.. Thanks for all the encouragment.. can't say how much it is helping me.. but it is!

Peace

October 18, 2008
6:18 pm
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Healing.. and peace
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Well I read "Beautiful Boy" thought it was called "Wonderful Boy" for some reason.. could be titled either though.... The story is what we all feel, what we all go through, just in differant ways, and with differant drugs just as I said before... It had a way of putting the depth of our love into words that we feel for our children.. I will continue going as I am one day at a time, getting stronger and healing, and with the healing I know, I will have peace and still think o fhim daily, and will continue to pray for my son.

October 20, 2008
6:17 pm
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Healing-

I know that you had a difficult time with your son. Thank you for taking time to post on my thread.

I can kind of help you see what your son might be seeing.

He is hurt. I, honestly, when it first happened to me, I turned to drugs as well. I started taking a lot of pills. Sometimes 4 or 5 in one day, when I should have only taken 1 or 2. Then I started drinking heavily. I mean very heavy. My freezer has proof.

But I have a very addictive personality. I know this. So I made myself stop. I stopped the pills, and I stopped the drinking. I hate taking pills, I gag every time, yet I took them to make the pain stop. I know what he is feeling. Now he is just addicted. It will take time to wing off. I was only doing it for 2 months, and I was sick for about a week and half after stopping the pills. I still drink wine, but that is one glass a night to help me sleep.

He'll get a hold of this. Trust me, it has nothing to do with the way your raised him. It sounds like you did a wonderful job in doing so. It has everything to do with how he handles emotional pain. He might be like me where I handle physical pain very well, but emotional is totally different.

Being independent, I know where he stands wanting to do it alone. Let him, but keep up by letting him know you arethere whenever he needs support. My parents have done that. They stand back, but I know they are there to catch me if I fall too hard. It's very relaxing to know I'm not completely alone but am alone at the same time. I'm sure this is how he feels. Plus, he obviously doesn't want to hurt you any more. By you seeing him and helping him, he is exposing himself, which in turn is hurting you. He knows this. Even though I don't know him, I know he knows this.

Just keep up the good work, mom. He'll work through it. It's just going to take some time. But it's good you let him fall on his own, we all need that.

October 20, 2008
6:31 pm
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Pink..

Thank you too.. it's good hearing it from your the way you feel right now. He told me yesterday when he came by that he just had so little faith in feeling better, and now he has to build his faith in believing he can get better. He is so sensitive, and really is a caring person.. Handsome too, I might ad..ha ha ha.. of course he is he's my son. He's just hurting now because he knows he has a battle to stay away from the pills. The girlfriend did start calling him again but by that time.. he was so hurt that he just wasn't sure how to handle it.

If you read my post then you know that story. Anyway, seeing him hurt, I hurt, just natural.. We love you kids.. that's just a fact in most cases anyway. I'm sure right now, your mom feels bad for what your feeling too... but you will get better I know it, you sound smart and like a caring person. I'm so glad you reconized self medicating just isn't the answer ever... it's just another problem in the long run.. even if it felt like it was helping it doesn't at all. Only makes thing all the worse.

Thanks again. peace

October 20, 2008
6:38 pm
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Haha, I'm a good girl. Pretty cute too! Wanna hook me up? LOL kidding.

Im sure my mom cares too and feels bad. She has an odd way of showing it though. She is very..."Get over it." Doesn't talk and doesn't show any emotion. If I give her a hug, it's "What do you want?" I know she is there though, in the distance.

Self medicating is def not the answer. He's got it! I'm happy to read that he is trying to get a handle on this. It's very hard, and he will be sick. But with a family like yours, I have faith he will make it through with flying colors!

October 20, 2008
8:27 pm
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Healing, I read your post and I am so sorry for what you are going through. I am a recovering drug addict, years of sobriety! I was in a relationship with someone that would get sober then relapse for the last 4 years. I finally had enough and I too yelled when I did not want to. The anger, the guilt all the feelings. Your situation is different, this man is your son. I am so sorry you have to do this. I did the same to my mom and I regret every minute of it. I have aplogized to her. She finally threw me out at age 28, it took some time, but I got the help.

Tell him there is AA or NA and rehabs. Those are the only tools. You have done your job and if you keep taking care of him there is no reason for him to get better. We as enablers are a barrier to thier seeking help. I will keep you and all my AAC friends in my thoughts and prayers. Keep strong and hugs to you and your family. I am going to go through your entire thread to read more about you. Thank you for posting on my thread and the going nuts thread. Now I know where you are coming from, take care!

October 20, 2008
8:30 pm
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Me again.....have you searched for Alanon? There are more of those meetings than Coda. Alaon is for people who have been affected by drugs/alcohol and it's along the same structure as Coda. You can google Alanon and find more meetings. Let me know 🙂 Your other family member can participate too. You are not alone in this horrible disease. I go to Alanon and feel so much better about who I am. Detaching is the hardest and I am still working on it. It's got to be very hard for you. sorry I am rambling now.

October 20, 2008
8:46 pm
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Newmee and Pink... and everyone else too!

I actually did find lots of them, there everyday, all day pretty much. So I've been to three now! Of course I'm not going to all of them I found..ha ha ha but one a day for the past three days now... I think, I was so upset the first night I got on here.. that I wasn't looking correctly.

But I was able to find them, so Alanon is the same basically as CODA?

I also made an appointment with a therapist... can you tell I don't want this to get me down? For real, I was in a bad accident years ago, and after two years of medical care, and trying so hard to be strong through it all.. It hit me hard once I was completely better.. I tried to hide how painful and hurt I was, I know crazy.. but that's what I did, I held all my feelings in the entire time I was getting medical care.. then it all hit me like a ton of bricks when I was better.. the Docs called it "Post Traumatic Stress disorder or depression" whichever you want to call it. I never ever want to feel anything like that again.. It was horrible, so I am taking care of myself.

Thanks again you all... Peace

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