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He Won't Stand Up For Me To His Parents
February 26, 2006
11:37 am
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SassyAlex
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I've been involved in a rocky 15 month relationship. We've managed to stay together based on our love for each other and the fact that we don't want to be with anyone else. He and his family are from Eastern Europe. He has never let me meet or speak to his family. His mother has told him that she does not want to meet me, and he should never bring me to her house. But there is no reason for it. It's not based on religion, he claims it is not based on culture...he has given me no real reason why they are so against meeting me. This hurts me so much because he is trying to basically live two separate lives; the life he has with them and the life he has with me. He does not want them to intersect. But yet he claims he loves me so much. I do not understand a person loving someone and not wanting them to get to know their family, and vice versa. It would be one thing if his parents lived out of the country or even if they lived out of state, or if he didn't have a relationship with them. But they live 10 minutes from me, and he is close with them.

My best friend has unfortunately found herself in a similar situation but reversed. Her parents hate her boyfriend for no reason. He is good to her, and they love each other, but he is not Jewish, and her family is. He also doesn't make a lot of money, and they feel he is after her money. Anyway, their reasons are all B.S. reasons. She stood up to her parents and said this is who she is with. Her mother said You marry him if you want, but I will not be having anything to do with you. And my best friend said in response, Well I'm not even speaking to you now. And she has not had contact with her parents for months.

I use the example of my best friend not because I want the guy I'm with to give up his family, but I don't understand why he has no desire to stand up for the woman he supposedly loves so much and cannot live without. He wants to continue playing both sides of the fence indefinitely. I have made it very clear to him that I cannot continue persuing a serious relationship with someone who wants to continue this double life. He seems to think he can balance making me happy and making them happy forever, I say it has to end, I am not happy.

It tears me apart that this guy has no backbone, no strength. How much can he really love me? We were discussing this matter last night, and he said to me, "I don't think standing up for you is right." That to me was the final nail in the coffin. It's not just that he is weak, it's that he himself doesn't even believe he should stand up for me. This to me says it all. He also said he would be fine with not meeting my parents for 2-3 years. Isn't this warped??? Am I the only one who feels this is a very strange attitude, not wanting us to meet families? My parents live out of state, but he did meet my father when he was in town for business. I would like for him to get to know my parents and vice versa.

Please, I need some feedback. I am not looking to have a lovey dovey relationship with his parents because obviously that will not happen, but I feel like a leper who is not even allowed to look into their eyes and shake their hands after 15 months...don't I deserve that? What are your thoughts and opinions?

February 27, 2006
4:34 am
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SassyAlex
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I'm bumping this up because I'd really like to hear people's opinions. Thanks.

February 27, 2006
5:29 am
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alycia
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Meeting parents is a big thing to me, some people do it a few weeks later. Others need it to be more serious b4 contemplating it.

Could it be he hasn't done it cause the relationship is rocky as you say. You said his mum doesn't want to meet you.

When u say that i think, ok what has he been saying about you to his mum cause she doesn't want to meet you.

If its not for cultural or religious reasons, no sane person will say no i dont want to meet this person for no reason whatsoever... You gotta find out the reason.

Is he a mummys boy?

My ex was and still is one, There is a good reason he wont introduce you and as hard as it may be to believe he may talk about ya when u guys fight and maybe mummy doesn't want to meet the girl who is breaking her babies heart at times.

I would go into why a bit more. In some ways u are lucky to have not met her, some mum in laws u basically wish u had never met if u know what i mean.....

At one stage my exes mum wasn't speaking to me for 2 yrs, its hard for ya partner to have 2 lives like that. It used to cause us some problems and its very hard to do.

Sit him down and ask him, he is not allowing it for a reason and u deserve to know what it is, he said he gives u no real reason, theres a reason my dear u just gotta look harder ....

He should defend you and stand up for you, only reason he wont i think is if he is a mummys boy and u certainly dont want one of those.

He should be proudly introducing u to his parents, not hiding you away. Dont stand for it anymore.... I wish u well..........

March 2, 2006
10:58 am
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Birdie
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I was in a simular situation like yours a couple years ago. I was in a rocky relatinship with a younger (not tooo much younger) he was 23 and I was 27. His mother and grandmother didn't want our relationship to work because I am white and he was african american. They didn't like my age or the fact that I was an independent professional at the time. I tried and tried and tried to win the family over but it was no use. Finally....the last straw was when his mother told him to move back with the family and she would pay for his graduate degree right after I moved in with him. Thank God, I didn't sign the lease. His mother ...I cant get over this one...was a psychologist-PhD. Anyhow...for me its really important that the family like me or try to accept me. Everybody is different. Just remember if you marry this guy -your gonna unfortonitly marry his family too. Right now I am in an unhappy marraige, but at least my husband's family likes me or I percieve it that way. They probably are upset with me because of the separation and the pain he is in, but they don't harrass me on the phone and threaten me either like my last boyfriend's family did when we broke it off. I guess what I am saying is think about what you can put up with and what you cant for the rest of your life if you marry this dude. And let me tell you this ...once your married....separation and divorce are sooo much harder than i could ever imagine.

March 2, 2006
12:13 pm
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gingerleigh
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Let me give you a bit of the family slant. My family is also eastern european descended, or at least on my mother's side. They are extremely closed-minded to anyone outside the family, they made my father's live hell and they have never ever accepted anyone that I've brought home either. I had to separate from them, but in a rather cowardly way... I MOVED!!! I now live 3000 miles away from them, and I keep a good relationship with them by talking on the phone with them often, but keeping the visits to a minimum.

My mother has a hard time, as do I, feeling like we have to choose between our family or our partners. It's deeply rooted, and I'm not sure that there is anything that a partner could do or be to make it any other way. The influence of the family is so powerful, and the family is so judgemental against outsiders, that it's just not worth the fight, and separate lives are the easiest way to maintain sanity.

I feel sorry for your boyfriend. I'm sorry for you too, it's a shitty position to be in.

My boyfriend is eastern European. He was married for 20 years before, and his in-laws HATED him because he was not Norwegian (they were). There's just no pleasing people sometimes. 🙁

March 3, 2006
11:56 am
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SassyAlex
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Thanks for your responses. alycia, yes he seems to be a mommmy's boy. I tried to find a deeper reason since he claims it's not due to me not being their culture. All he claims is that his mother made it clear to him; bring no one over until you intend to marry them. Meaning he could be dating someone for 5 years, but she doesn't want to meet the woman until the wedding is impending. This is completely F*ed up to me. What about getting to know your future family? What about getting to know the woman your son has been seriously involved with for 15 months, regardless of marriage??

Birdie, I wish it wasn't so, but I listen to the wisdom of those who have been married when they say you marry the family too. As I said, if they lived far away or if he had had a falling out with them...at least those situations are under control. This all comes down to him not being able to stand up to his parents which is something I COULD NOT live with in the long term. My mother had a bit of that, she married my father, and his parents were from Eastern Europe, same thing. My dad was such a mommy's boy that he didn't even know how to do laundry. And his mother, my grandmother, would try to butt into their marriage, my father also has a hard time standing up and having a backbone. The difference being, though, my mother was allowed to come over and hang out and get to know his parents from the beginning and all through their 4 year courtship. Bottom line, I wouldn't mind what crazy family I was marrying into (a lot of us have craziness in our families), as long as the guy proved he knew how to stand up and set boundaries. I cannot marry into this craziness knowing he will always cave to that side.

gingerleigh, I know what you mean by it being deeply rooted, I had another almost 2 year relationship years ago with a guy from Greece. His family let me in the house, but they bashed me when I wasn't there. Their problem with me was clear, I wasn't Greek, and I wasn't Orthodox, so their son could not marry me. We had an amazing love, but guess what? He chose not to stand up for me, he chose his family and culture, which to me is BULLSHIT. It hurt so much, it still hurts...and yet I find myself here again in a similar situation. As a sidenote, I have heard through the grapevine that the Greek guy who is well into his 30s is still unmarried and alone and has gained a lot of weight. And his mother says, "I don't know what's wrong with my children, none of them (there are 4) have gotten married." These people don't even see how they screw up their children by telling them to stay away from love because of culture.

I guess it's because I'm American. I guess it's also because I have always stood up for what I believe in. I would stand up to my parents, like my friend. And if they couldn't accept, that would be their choice. Apparently most people are not like this. I just don't know how a person gives up love because they cannot stand up to their family. It makes me so sad and frustrated...

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