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He wants to see other people...
September 14, 2009
3:55 pm
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lollipop3
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D-----I believe that closure is overrated and many cases, just an excuse to make contact yet again.

Repeat after me....

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change....the courage to change the things I can...and the wisdom to know the difference.

September 14, 2009
4:17 pm
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Shaney
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In order to stop obsessing about him, you REALLY REALLY have to believe that you deserve better than him. You have the think about the things that you want and that you deserve in a relationship and realize where he fell short. And you have to think back to specifics about him and realize that "Wow, I deserved more than he gave me." Once you believe in your heart and mind that it's okay for YOU to have high expectations, then it will be easy to look away from those men that never lived up to them in the first place. You need to build your self esteem and self worth. It's not easy, but it's the place to start.

September 14, 2009
4:34 pm
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D dog
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Thanks, you guys. Shaney, you are right. He's treated me badly over the years and for whatever reason (no self esteem) I thought he was a great guy. I REALLY need to be realistic about this and see him for what he truly is/was. (Not by actually seeing him! lol). What do I do with the anger? Work it out in therapy, I guess.

Lolli, you are right too - I DO have to do some real work on this - I can't expect him to help me get over him...gawd, how stupid.

Why am I so damn dumb???

September 14, 2009
4:41 pm
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lollipop3
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(((D-dog)))),

It's not about being dumb....it's about learning new ways to cope and discarding ways that no longer work for us.

September 14, 2009
4:44 pm
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Shaney
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Start by NOT referring to yourself as dumb. You were temporarily blinded by what you thought was love ... when in all actuality you were just filling an empty space. You have to work on filling that space with good solid things like self respect, esteem, and positive, attainable goals. A good man will enhance the positive self image that you already have, not create one for you. You're smart D - too smart to stay where you are. You've got great ideas, you're creative, a great writer - and you need to believe that you can build on that. Do something that makes you proud, dummy. :o)

September 14, 2009
4:45 pm
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Shaney
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Lolli - quit reading my mind and writing the same thing as me.

lol

September 14, 2009
4:47 pm
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Shaney
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If it continues, I'm telling SC.

September 14, 2009
4:48 pm
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Shaney
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And quit typing faster than me, because it APPEARS that I'm copying all of your thoughts. And I'm not. But you already know that because you're a witch and can read my mind.

September 14, 2009
4:52 pm
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lollipop3
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I know you are but what am I?

Go ahead and tell the SC, I don't care.

Tattle tale.

September 14, 2009
4:55 pm
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MsGuided
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I'm on the popcorn.

Nothin' like some WWC ( (whackywomencajoling)

September 14, 2009
4:57 pm
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lollipop3
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ROFL MSG....

On that note...I'm out for the day.

D-----stay strong. You can do this.

ShaniPOP, over and out.....

September 15, 2009
8:23 am
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D dog
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Feeling better today. Thought about it long nad hard last night and realized that I've been letting him string me along for years and it really is my own fault.

I've known all along that all he wanted was a casual sexual relationship (that's what he calls "friends", I guess) - but that's not the right thing for me. I can't do that with anyone.

Seeing therapist today to begin real recovery...no contact with him yesterday, and it was easier than I thought. I CAN do this.

Thanks everyone.

September 15, 2009
11:23 am
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Shaney
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Yes you CAN. You got over H, and in comparison this may be a hell of a lot easier. Good luck :o)

September 15, 2009
12:34 pm
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D dog
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I also made a gyno appointment to find out what's up with that situation. Today I googled early menopause (I'm 45) and had a bunch of the symptoms (last few p's super heavy, night sweats, mood swings, etc.), so that could be it.

Anyway, whatever it is, I will deal with it on my own. I really don't think the tests are wrong - I'd be over 3 weeks now, and it would certainly show up. Wish I never even said anything to him, but I was totally scared there for awhile. So used to being able to share stuff with him.

One good thing about all this that I was thinking about last night - I never had a good reason - in my mind - why the two of us wouldn't work out. Now I do - I'm a communicator, and he's the type of guy who totally shuts down and disappears (this isn't the first time he's done it). I remember asking him once why he split up with his ex, and he said, "She cried all the time". I guess he would shut down on her constantly and not communicate and totally drive her to tears. Think the same thing would happen to me? Oh, yeah, baby - obviously. So, the lightbulb has finally gone off.

It's not for me to figure out why he does this, or to try to change him. I do know he had a rotten childhood (abusive father), problems with drugs, been in jail, DUI's, suicide attempt, etc. And he's a pretty depressed person, generally. (Can we all say it together? Co-dependency at large!)

Wish I hadn't acted in such a desperate manner, but at least now I'm on more solid ground and can proceed from here.

So, everything happens for a reason, no?

September 15, 2009
12:45 pm
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D dog
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Oh, Shaney - about H. He moved to the west side (geographically undesirable) and married a single mom with 4 kids. He is still struggling with alcohol, and apparently they argue constantly - she even throws him out of the house when he drinks. At which point he threatens to kill himself.

Not sure if I mentioned that when I tapped his email when we were living together, I found out that he had a homosexual relationship with his "uncle", which began at the age of 12.

Again, deeply rooted problems that I never could have helped with.

Hell yeah, I really know how to pick 'em.

September 15, 2009
12:50 pm
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sdesigns
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(((((D Dog)))))

I was wondering about H. Glad you're feeling better and stronger today. Its a process, isn't it?

sd

September 15, 2009
1:03 pm
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Lanigirl
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Hey D Dog,

Glad to hear you're feeling better. Time to keep yourself as the focus and let him do his life.

I get the desperation. For me, it's a feeling to keep someone there but nothing is going to keep them there if they're ready to leave. It all comes back to me, only drama or sex can keep them there - they couldn't possibly be interested in me.

I'm started to feel a little different now and it's spilling over into my friendships. I don't have to do all of the work. They also have responsibility to keep up the relationship.

September 15, 2009
1:26 pm
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D dog
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Lani -

I've kind of noticed that, too. I seem to have drawn away from my old "drinking buddies". I just don't like to get that out of control, and I no longer enjoy hanging out in bars.

My newer friends like to go out for dinner - much better!

:o)

September 16, 2009
4:04 pm
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D dog
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Went to see my therapist yesterday, and she said basically the same thing Shaney did - which was:

"In order to stop obsessing about him, you REALLY REALLY have to believe that you deserve better than him. You have the think about the things that you want and that you deserve in a relationship and realize where he fell short. And you have to think back to specifics about him and realize that "Wow, I deserved more than he gave me." Once you believe in your heart and mind that it's okay for YOU to have high expectations, then it will be easy to look away from those men that never lived up to them in the first place. You need to build your self esteem and self worth. It's not easy, but it's the place to start."

I'm so used to obsessing about the guy that it's left an empty spot, and I need to fill that, with positive things. At the moment, I feel "unmoored", like a ship at sea, like I have no control over what happens. Which isn't true - I never had it over him to begin with. Actually, with him out of the picture, I can have MORE control over the rest of my life...damn, tho - this sucks. It's gonna be hard to get used to. Day 3 no contact, tho, good for me.

September 16, 2009
4:10 pm
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lollipop3
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Hey D-----

That Shaney is a smart one! I, for one, wouldn't be where I am today without her.
And here I am. And you can get there too. It takes a lot of hard work and commitment but it's worth it. Believe that.

Lolli

September 16, 2009
8:38 pm
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My bottom lime is this ... see who ever you want to see but you will not be seeing me ... period.
I will not be a part of your sickness and the one you fall back on unless I allow myself to be.

What do you want? What brings you joy? Not this man and his sickness.

September 17, 2009
1:09 pm
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D dog
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Littlespirit -

VERY well said. Thank you! I now have a mantra.

Ice skating brings me joy, except I wiped out last night during a lesson - reverse turn, accidentally put weight on heels on the landing. OMG. My whole body aches today.

But then I thought - sometimes it's good to fall, because then you know what "doing it wrong" feels like. It's all in the learning.

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