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He wants to see other people...
September 10, 2009
3:36 pm
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D dog
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Thanks, Bitsy. S.I. is "suicidal ideation", which is not attempting it, but planning for it. Friday I drank a lot, but took a cab home. On Saturday, I just missed him so much, and of course no replies to any texts, and I just felt like I didn't want to exist anymore. I called one of my friends, and she got worried and called 911. The cops asked me if I had thoughts of harming myself, I said yes (cooperative person that I am), and voila! 6 hours sitting in ER waiting for the behavioral therapist to evaluate me. I was lucky - they let me go. They could have locked me up for 72 hours.

With hindsight, I'm glad it happened - wake up call, and now I am getting the help that I really need.

I just feel like SUCH an a-hole!!!

September 10, 2009
3:51 pm
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It No Longer Matters
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Listen honey, I cried buckets for the jerk in my life. There are still certain aspects of him that I miss. I laugh now and tell people I am too old and hornery to put up with another man. Bright side? My ex husband, his mother and his sister and I took our daughter out for birthday dinner.

Bitsy

September 10, 2009
4:12 pm
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atalose
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Well, so you feel like an a-hole for a little while, sometimes that’s exactly what WE need to feel in order to stop OUR crazy thoughts which lead to OUR crazy behavior. Believe me you are not the first one to have crazy behavior related to chasing after a man.

The good thing is that you are alright and in good hands, taking the proper meds and a plan of action (therapy 1 x a week) in place.

Sometimes we gotta be hit by the train in order to learn not to play on the tracks.

((D dog))

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

September 10, 2009
4:18 pm
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D dog
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atalose -

Good one! A friend of mine once described me as the kind of person who goes: "Hey! I know this car has airbags, but I'm gonna drive it into this brick wall just to see 'em for myself!"

Yep.

September 10, 2009
5:19 pm
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atalose
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YUP that would be me too. Anvilhead…… that’s me too, stubborn as an ox an always having to find out the hard way about everything.

Least I can say today I no longer play on the tracks but now that you’ve put the idea of the air bags in my head………..LOL LOL LOL

Hang in there D dog better days ARE coming.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

September 11, 2009
11:52 am
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D dog
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...had another issue as well. Late. As in "late". Took test yesterday, 16 days after supposed ovulation - 18 days after possible conception. Negative.

Is this fairly reliable, you think?

September 11, 2009
12:22 pm
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atalose
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In my opinion I think it’s fairly reliable but to ease any doubts take another one in a few days and another one after that if you feel you must, use different brands.

Several years ago a friend of mine was late, something that never that happened to her and she ended up taking 6 different tests over several weeks until she finally went to see her doctor. The only explanation he could give her was stress was a factor in her being late. She had ended a bad relationship, moved and lost her job all at once.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

September 11, 2009
12:28 pm
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D dog
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Yeah, therapist said it could very well be stress, plus I am 45 and could be pre-menapausal...haven't exactly been regular.

However, I did not use first mroning's urine, so I think I will get another test tonight and try tomorrow a.m. ??

September 14, 2009
11:48 am
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Lanigirl
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D dog,

I'm so glad that the cop used his/her training to help you and that you're posting here. What were the test results?

I stepped away from this site for awhile because I kept telling myself that I was handling things. I was in a destructive way. I'm addicted to a man and I've put my life on the line for him. My heart started beating really fast when I read about you taking the test because you were late. That could be me and is a good warning.

A friend shared something with me this weekend that helped me step through the darkness. Her pastor said that we point to people that are addicts, etc. as spoiled fruit because it's easy to see. However, there is fruit that looks beautiful on the outside but when you open it, there are spoiled sections. His point was that we all have things that need fixing.

September 14, 2009
2:41 pm
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D dog
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Hi Lanigirl -

I'm doing okay. Up and down, I guess. Have done 3 tests and all are negative. Still no "p" yet - must be something else, unless they are false negatives for some reason. Made gyno appointment.

I emailed the guy about it and have received no responses whatsoever - doesn't that just figure? Yeah - he is a complete lowlife loser.

Frankly, I'm glad this all happened now - I have been totally addicted to him for 7 years - this may be harsh, but it's my way out.

September 14, 2009
3:16 pm
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lollipop3
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Hi D-dog,

I know that you are struggling right now but you and I have a long history together here so I feel the need to be straight up honest with you....

You need to stop this.

You have taken enough tests at this point to know that you are not pregnant, therefore you contacting him to tell him about it appears to be nothing more than a manipulation to get some sort of reaction from him. This is now at least the second time you have made contact with him after he has made it clear that he is not interested in pursing a relationship with you.
For your own sanity you must stop this.

I know that you are hurting right now but this is no longer HIS problem. Nor is HIS fault at this point.

Please take a look at your own behavior here and do what you have to do to take care of yourself. This is not healthy for you.

Stay away from the booze... Stay away from the bars. They are not the answer.

There comes a time for all of us D-dog when we have to stop blaming others and start taking responsiblity for our own lives and our own choices.

I hope you can find the strength within yourself to do that.

Please know that it is not my intention to hurt you here D, but I won't do you the disservice of telling you anything but the truth as I see it.

((((D-dog))))

September 14, 2009
3:20 pm
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Shaney
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Hey there D - long time no see, Miss Dog :o)

I know this must be hard for you. It's never fun to be in love with someone who doesn't return the same feelings. And the fact that you've been doing this for 7 years, knowing where he stands, can't be any easier. But I have to ask you WHY, after three negative pregnancy tests, you would even mention this to him ... and through email? I could understand if the test was positive, but why go there when there's no baby? Now, he's the asshole for not responding? My best advice (and I know this is hard) is to let this guy go, without guilt or manipulation. If you want to continue to have a friendship with him, then you'll eventually have to back off and come to terms with the reality of the feelings that he's expressed to you for some time, that you've chosen to ignore. I don't like to see you hurt this way and am here to support you, but at the same time feel the need to give it to you straight. You're better than this D!

September 14, 2009
3:21 pm
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What purpose did it serve to email him about being late when you have already taken several pregnancy tests and they were all negative?

Snap out of it. After my break up with the lying cheating rat bastard asshole son of a bitch I used to think, thank God I never got pregnant and the next thought was and if I had I would have never told him.

When is your next therapy appointment???? You have got to stop this.

Much love...

Bitsy

September 14, 2009
3:22 pm
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lollipop3
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Shanster!!

I see I'm not the only old-timer lurking in the shadows waiting to hear from a friend in need.....

((((Shaney)))) ((((D-dog))))

September 14, 2009
3:23 pm
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Shaney
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OMG - Lolli and I simultaneously posted the same thing! Jeez ...

September 14, 2009
3:26 pm
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lollipop3
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We've always been a little psychic like that.

Cyber-twin powers active!... Form of....one poster.....

September 14, 2009
3:29 pm
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Shaney
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I think our new nickname should be Shanipop, or Lollishane. LOL

September 14, 2009
3:35 pm
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I wish Nappy would show up.

Bitsy

September 14, 2009
3:41 pm
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lollipop3
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She may still Bitsy...you never know who may be lurking......

September 14, 2009
3:41 pm
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lollipop3
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I think I like Shanipop best :o)

September 14, 2009
3:42 pm
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D dog
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You guys are right...never should have mentioned it...I guess I thought that if he was a "friend" (like he professed to be, time and time again - even saying that he loved me as a friend and a person) that he would care what I was going thru.

But ya know what? He never really WAS a friend, was he? (As someone already pointed out). I just feel so sad, angry, manipulated - and I am throwing away my self respect trying to get a reaction out of him. It's driving me insane!

My next therapy appointment is tomorrow, and it's gotta be all about "no contact", cuz I suck at that. And about letting this whole thing go, completely - forever. I am so freakin' addicted to this guy that it's pathetic.

I just don't know how to get this "obsession" out of my head...

September 14, 2009
3:44 pm
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D dog
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...and I feel like, since he just disappeared completely, that now I will never have any closure on this thing. How can I create closure for myself (especially after being so inappropriate)???

September 14, 2009
3:44 pm
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I have a thread on the other side about Celebrate Recovery. I never could find a CODA meeting and found this. Don't you if it is something that interests you or not.

Bitsy

September 14, 2009
3:53 pm
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lollipop3
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I understand how feel D. It can be a terrible, gut-wrenching feeling sometimes to not feel heard. To not be in control of a situation. To feel used and manipulated. To feel betrayed.

I get that. I think we all get that. And we've probably all been there at one point or another. But the fact is that you are NOT in control of him. You never were and you never will be. The only thing you can control is you and your behavior and THAT is what you have to work on right now. Whether he was a friend or was not is irrelevant. No one is either one thing or the other. Nothing is ever black or white. What is relevant, however, is your reaction to this. You're behavior. The lack of self-respect and dignity you are exhibiting. A lack of being able to control yourself, your emotions and your behavior.

You have an appointment tomorrow...that's great. Please be sure to be completely HONEST with everything that has been going on. The obsessive thoughts, behavior, etc.

In the meantime, call a friend. Go to a meeting. Any meeting. AA, Alanon, Coda...something. Go to a movie. You mentioned being diagnosed with BPD...go to the bookstore and do some research on this disorder. Find out what you can do to help yourself.

Take control of yourself and your life.

People are there (and here) to help...but you have to be willing. You have to do the work.

September 14, 2009
3:54 pm
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Shaney
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I'm sure he cares D, but he may be trying to keep his distance KNOWING how you feel about him, and knowing that contact only makes things harder. He may also view your last email about the possible pregnancy as manipulative or attention getting - and just feels that replying would just fuel the fire. I don't know D. Just because HE doesn't love you the way that you love him, doesn't make him the bad guy. And it also doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with you. Try not to take this personally, as if you've got some sort of defect. You don't. It just wasn't a match, plain and simple. As friends, you're great - but there is someone else out there that IS your match. Take your focus off of him and put it back on you. Make some improvements, start to feel good about yourself, get happy - then you'll attract the right guy.

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