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He wants to see other people...
September 2, 2009
7:53 pm
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truthBtold
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D Dog,

I hear ya and I know it must hurt right now.

Sure, it is easier to have no contact with an absolute asshole.

I can't tell you what to do in this case and neither can anyone else!

Maybe you just need convincing.

Convincing from him that he is not able to be what you want and need.

PERIOD!

(You can try and cut that every which way but loose, but I think this fact remains.)

But, as far as you needing the convincing part - do be aware that this will most likely probably (eventually) be met with tons of heartache and disappointment from your end if you try to push it.......

But you know, you gotta do what ya gotta do.......

Kind of sounds to me that IF you were to contact him - then you would most likely be putting yourself into what he might interpret as a 'desperate' person, in a way?

He's told you where he is coming from.....it just doesn't appear (from what you post) that you are really willing or able to accept it even partially or completely right now.

(At least, that is my interpretation of it - please correct me if I am wrong, by all means...)

Maybe you just need some time to process this, hell, I dunno.

Do you really want to come across as kind of desperate like that?

Not really willing and able to accept the reality of the situation as it is as opposed to how you wish it could or might be?

If the tables were turned, what would you think if someone were behaving like that....you know?

No judgement.

I may be W A Y off course here and please DO not hesitate to correct me if I am wrong - but this situation kind of reminds me of something that happened to me a long time ago.

You see, I created - emphasis - CREATED (in my heart, mind and soul) a certain type of relationship with someone thinking all the while that it was all kind of peachy-king and that all I had to do was just to sort of 'wait around' until he finally just saw the light of the absolutly wonderful relationship I had created in my head of how this relationship could and should be and that it was just a matter of time until he 'came around.'

Sound familiar?

(I'll let you in on a little secret....this is delusional thinking.)

Of course, I did not realize it at the time - actually, it was many, many years later that I FINALLY connected the dots. But you know, your sitution kind of reminds me of that.

Like I said, I could be way, WAY off course here and if I am - my sincere and heartfelt apologies to you.

((((D Dog))))

September 2, 2009
8:38 pm
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readyforachange
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D Dog...I think you've gotten great answers here, and I don't have any words of wisdom to add. I just wanted to say hi, good to see you around, and I hope you are doing well. Hang in there, you'll find the answers. I think you know them in your heart. (((d dog)))

September 3, 2009
11:40 am
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StronginHim77
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I agree with Truth...if you contact this guy, your desperation and panic has won. And he will KNOW it. You really want to hang your heart out there for a guy who wants (and has clearly indicated that he wants) other women?

You will never be Number One with this guy. In my book that would make him undesirable. I recently dumped a man who was the same. He had so many "friends" who were actually women he had roomed and slept with. Some for months...some for just one night. Some, he was still trying to nail. Why should we settle for someone who doesn't think we are Number One? And worth laying aside all other women for?

I am hoping you have been able to resist contacting (begging) him. If not, forgive yourself and start out fresh. The sooner you sever from this man, the sooner you can face the pain and begin to heal.

- Ma Strong

September 3, 2009
12:47 pm
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sdesigns
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Hi D ddog: Nice to see you again.

You've gotten some great advice here.

Ma- you don't know how much I needed to hear what you just said!

sd

September 3, 2009
12:53 pm
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D dog
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Well, I contacted the hell out of him. I asked him what he would do if he was in a similar situation. (He had a crush on one of my friends who ultimately despised him). Turned into quite the text volley. Nothing negative, just exchanging thoughts.

So, being me, I summed it up with an email today. Here it is, for better or worse:

Bet you're WAY over your text limit now. Sorry about that, but I didn't think you'd be willing to swing by for "round 2" - you see, I still wanted answers - I have that right, don't I? Pretty sure I have them all now.

The most important thing you said was that you would "let her go - I wouldn't hurt myself". Is that what I've been doing? If that is the case, then that needs to stop immediately. Definitely my bad, and a lot of women do that - hanging around and waiting for a guy to "change". (Shit, you seemed changable. There were a lot of mixed messages. Consider me braver than most). And, to be perfectly honest with you, after the therapy, and all of our discussion, my feelings for you have indeed changed. I don't think you should be with a girl like me - and that's not a slam on you by any means - I just don't think you're ready for the honesty, courage and sensitivity that I now have. And, yes - the self-esteem and self respect that I have developed over the past 7 years. In fact, you don't even want to acknowledge it!

Aside from that, after not getting out and dating for 9 years, it wouldn't be healthy for you to jump into a relationship with someone without having contact with more people. That was a mistake that I made with Tim - not "dating around" enough before I married him. Once we got together, I was completely smothered. It ended in disaster. Maybe marriage counseling would have helped, but who thinks of that when they are 30-something (and there are so many bars? lol).

And then there is the fact that, at the end of the day, you just don't have the feelings for me that I once had for you - and you never have. I can't see that changing, no matter how cool I am (lol), and I am certainly not going to revolve my life around you trying. I am not, and have no need, to be desperate!

So listen - the upshot of all this is that I do love you as friend (you are just so unique!) - I'd do just about anything to help you and I want you to be happy. But I also have my own life and feelings to deal with and improve upon.

So here's my suggestion - let's just start over, as friends, and forget about all the other crap. Yeah, we got off on the wrong foot, but we were both pretty f*d up back then...if you're not comfortable with that, then so be it. But life is short, and after all of this I feel like I know you better than ever and guess what? I don't hate you! So to me it's worth it to hang out once in a while - but, do what you gotta do.

And please, don't leave me hanging. Homey don't play that no more.

D.

September 3, 2009
1:07 pm
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D dog
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And yes, I realize that this still gives him "the power", but I said what I had to say - and I will NOT EVER contact him again if he does not reply (or replies negatively). I CAN let go of this.

Seven years of hurting myself! Holy s**t, what is WRONG with me!

September 3, 2009
1:28 pm
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Stacers
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Sometimes we just need the closure. Sometimes we aren't strong enough to do the closure and they have to do it for us. Looks like the e-mail you sent him was your closure. Follow-through now by not texting him or calling him. Let him respond and if he doesn't leave it alone. You said what you needed to say. I didn't have the courage to do the closure. I let him do it. He was coming to my house drunk at 2:00 AM each Thursday and finally he just stopped doing it. He told me he deleted my name/number out of his phone and wouldn't bother me again. He has not. It hurts like hell, but like I said I didn't have the guts to do it so he had to. Sometimes people are just not made to be together. Sometimes one of us is in a very vulnerable time in our life and we cling to something that just isn't there. When you heal a little more you will look back on this guy and you may even be angry that he led you on. You say 7 years! Well that is a very long time and even though towards the end he was honest I believe that he has led you on for quite sometime. Stay strong.

September 3, 2009
1:57 pm
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D dog
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Hi Stacers -

Ya know, he HAS led me on! It wasn't just me. And yeah, I am now pissed. Hence, the change in my feelings for him. Toward the end, he said he had given up on dating and didn't care anymore, and was spending nearly every weekend with me.

Yes, that IS leading on!

I think is totally f*d up and doesn't even know what he wants. I don't need this crap!

September 3, 2009
2:08 pm
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Stacers
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That is exactly what "R" did to me. So don't think you were imagining things and keep asking yourself "am I crazy for feeling this way". I think they use us and know what they are doing. They know that they are telling us what we want to hear and then when they start to see that we are really falling then they back off with the old "I don't feel the same as you do about me? or you are crazy I never told you any of that?" Well maybe they didn't come right out and say it, but when someone is calling you all the time and wanting to spend time with you, how else would you take it? You are looking for a stable relationship (SO WAS I) and here they are filling the void and they all of a sudden BAM they put on the brakes and want to see other people and we are stuck saying, "what the F*** just happened here?" The problem is that they are emotionally unavailable. They will do the same thing to the next girl. That is why they can't be in stable relationships. They are what I call Commitment Phobics. They love hanging out and messing around but when it comes time for a real commitment they run faster than you can imagine. So sorry you are going through this, I am too, that is why I can tell you exactly what "R" did to me. This guy will never committ! He will probably come back for another round with you if he feels you are slipping out of his grasp. That is another game they play. They don't want you, but nobody else is allowed to have you either. Fun isn't it?

September 3, 2009
2:57 pm
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D dog
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Yep. That's pretty much how it's been.

I am getting more pissed off by the minute. Good - anger is an energy. I hope he doesn't reply...and I can write him off forever.

September 3, 2009
3:36 pm
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StronginHim77
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If he replies, DO NOT ANSWER. Let your last word to him be just that: your last word.

He will never change. He might (and probably will) try "hoovering" you back (named after the famous vacuum cleaner) because this type of guy always wants us on their back burner, just in case he NEEDS something: sex, attention, companionship, etc. Don't give him any of what he NEEDS. He has no genuine love for you.

He is NOT your friend, either. Drop that false illusion, too. He is a guy you fell for and had sex with. Not a friend.

- Ma Strong

September 3, 2009
3:57 pm
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atalose
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Just yesterday you said:

{I am suffering today...I miss him already. But doesn't even remaining friends make me his "back-up" girl? Wouldn't it be better to just leave it alone (gut-wrenchingly painful as that is) and let him do what he feels he's gotta do? Not like I have a choice - he's going to anyway. }

And today you are trying to force a solution to for YOUR (gut-wrenchingly pain) with your e-mail, you are attempting to get him to give you some kind of answer about “friendship”.

Contacting the hell out of him will only push him farther away, attempting to force a solution for YOUR pain and hurt will only force him away.

This guy has already told you WHAT YOU DON’T WANT TO ACCEPT OR HEAR.

Yes he led you on and yes he played with your emotions so trying to force him to say he will remain “your friend” , how is that benefiting you, it’s not, it’s only keeping you from dealing with some deep pain not only from this few week fling you had with him but probably from past relationships as well.

And now that you’ve gotten what you needed to get out of your system and told him what you felt you needed to say, please don’t follow it up with any more emails or texts. He’s just gonna see you as some desperate stalker who won’t leave him alone.

It may even make him remember why he’s not dated in 9 years!!!!

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

September 3, 2009
4:18 pm
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D dog
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Wow. Well, it wasn't a few-week fling, it was 7 years.
We've always been friends first and foremost.

But I get the point.

Thanks.

September 3, 2009
6:17 pm
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beginagain
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I've only found this site in the last week and it has been really good for me - I've always felt I was kind of on my own. I totally fell in love with a guy who was totally honest and said he didn't want a relationship right from the start but he was no nice to me when he was with me that I just fell in love with him !!! I guess I was actually grateful that I was with someone who was nice to me for a change - second or third best is just not good enough though - and I can't blame him - he was up front and though I understood exactly what I was doing. As soon as he guessed I was getting attached - he just ran right away - he came back eventually but only now and then and still trys now and then - sometimes if I feel strong I talk to him if not, i DON'T -finally I have got to the stage that I don't think about him every day!! (talk about obsessive!!). He said "lets be brutally honest - we are just shag-buddies" - So I had to take it on board but secretly I know I still wish he would see me as something else. Nice to know others have had similar experiences - Guess it's that ol saying- to ignore the facts does not change the facts -

September 3, 2009
6:37 pm
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D dog
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Hi beginagain!

Welcome to the site. You'll get great advice here. As you can see from this thread, my cyber-buddies are stopping a potential stalker in her tracks!

When all this is over, I know I will be okay - and not make the same mistake again.

My guy is the same...he told me he had given up on dating, started being with me every weekend...and then suddenly backed off. In a big way. He's been using me all along - although we really had some fun times together - not just sexually, but playing scrabble, going out to eat, ice skating, etc. And we've had some great conversations about life and everything in it (except "us" - as soon as that came up, he freaked!)

I need to be strong and not let him back in if he tries...shouldn't have sent the email asking him to stay friends, but wtf, puts it on him and he's the one who who was wrong. He will now have to admit it. Jackass!

September 3, 2009
11:02 pm
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Stacers
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You are getting good advice and I am too! Since I am so close to your situation it's nice to hear what everyone's opinion is on the whole thing. Just remember guys are pretty easy to figure out, I think we put so much effort into trying to figure them out when the answers are right under our noses. Guys say what they mean. They do not lie, beat around the bush, play games, etc. if a guy says we are only friends that is what he means and we cannot change his mind. My guy told me I don't see this going any further than what it is right now, which was FWB. I refused to hear that and kept thinking he would somehow change and we would be this happy couple. Guess what? Things have never went any further than what they were..just like he told me!!

September 4, 2009
10:33 am
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atalose
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D dog,

LOL yes I am the codie police!!!!!

Now step away from “the friend with benefits”.

Put down your cell phone and email !!!!!

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

September 4, 2009
10:38 am
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ne14acab
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Good Morning North Carolina. I'm new here. Was sugested by my therapist to fine this site. So here I am. Where do I begin? today or all my co-dependant yesterdays? lol

September 4, 2009
11:12 am
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D dog
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No replies, so I've got my answer.

MOVIN' ON!

Wearing killer stillettos today, think I'll hit happy hour.

September 4, 2009
11:34 am
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Stillettos? You go with your bad self. I'm not killing myslef over any stylish statement. Happy hour? booze does it everytime. lol

September 4, 2009
11:39 am
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atalose
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D dog,

Codie police here again………..

Take off the stilettos and don’t be looking for any “new friends”……

But do:

Have fun!!!!!!!

LOL

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

September 5, 2009
3:26 pm
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AQueen
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I don't see how he went wrong. He told you he didn't want a relationship with you. You thought he would change. You know where he stands and that is not acceptable to you so you are moving on. I wouldn't have sent the email. It came off as desperate, kinda of begging to be friends? No contact is the best thing you can do for yourself. Take your power back and end all contact from here on out. If that means changing your phone number, blocking his email, taking a different route when driving around town to avoid him, fine. Do whatever it takes.

No more secretly hoping for something different. This guy has made it crystal clear how he feels. Why would you want to be on standby status accepting the crumbs he throws you when he feels like it? That is exactly what he'll do if you remain in contact and he won't think you'll be upset about it. Truth is if you associate with him again you shouldn't be upset at him. You should be upset at YOU because you know full well where he's coming from and if you associate with him any further you are silently agreeing to his terms. Are you okay with that?

September 10, 2009
3:13 pm
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D dog
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No, I won't accept anything on his terms ever again. I've been to see my therapist and my psychiatrist (after freaking out over the weekend and getting tossed in the hospital for S.I.)...apparently I have a borderline personality disorder that needs to be worked on. (Ya think?) My psych changed my meds, and I'll be seeing my therapist at least once a week.

I actually feel better, knowing now that I will be addressing a problem that I have had (especially with men) for my entire life. (BTW - that is why I am on this site, please don't be too harsh on me - if I wasn't f'd up I wouldn't be posting!)

I do have to say, tho, that the guy is a master manipulator - he told me he didn't want to date anyone, spent every weekend with me for a month, and then blindsided me. (Apparently something "better" came along.) No, I should not have sent that email, but at that point it had not sunk in that he is simply the kind of guy who uses and discards people at will. HE was the one begging to be friends (and more) a month ago. I know now that it was just to use me.

And yeah - I feel like a complete ass for "chasing" him the way I did. Several nasty texts were sent over the weekend (by me - sorry for not taking advice, you guys - I tried but my anger got the best of me, and I am so embarrassed), which my therapist made me apologize for (via a final text) - and to tell him that I wouldn't be contacting him again.

And I won't, cuz you are correct, AQueen - it is MY responsibility to protect myself, and I am taking steps to do so.

September 10, 2009
3:16 pm
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D dog
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Oh, no offense to anyone on the site about being f'd up - I know that it is here for a variety of reasons and to help people with ALL issues.

Sorry, that remark was inappropriate.

September 10, 2009
3:26 pm
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It No Longer Matters
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D Dog, what happened over the weekend. Did you hit happy hour and not stop? What is S I? We are here to hear you and be non judgemental. You f'd up and you know it. Hearing it from eleventy different directions won't change anything at this point. Moving forward... share if you wouold like. We are here for you.

Bitsy

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