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He wants to see other people...
September 1, 2009
2:38 pm
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D dog
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So I've known this guy for 7 years - always had feelings for him, always end up hanging out with/hooking up with him between relationships. He broke with with a long time girlfriend 9 years ago, and hasn't really "dated" anyone but me since. He is now ready to get out and date (God help him! lol.) He doesn't want to be exclusive with me...

Should I continue to see him? Setting myself up for heartbreak - yeah, I know, but I don't want to cut him out of my life after 7 years...

September 1, 2009
2:42 pm
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D dog
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He HAS admitted that he "loves me as a friend" - but when we met we were both in a bad time in our lives (just out of long term relationships,) and have been thru many ups and downs, highs and lows...we get along great in every way, but he just can't commit to me.

September 1, 2009
2:42 pm
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CAMER
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hi D dog..........you used to post here a few years back right???

when you say 7 years, were you more friends or lovers or both?? So during these 7 years has he "dated" others also?? and were you fine with this type of relationship, whether he wants to call it friends or FWB or what not???

September 1, 2009
2:49 pm
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CAMER
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d...if he can't commit, is this what you want?? yeah, loving you as a friend, is so different than having him as your partner.

September 1, 2009
2:57 pm
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D dog
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We've basically been FWBs, but recently started hanging out more and doing other things...I don't think he's going to find anyone out there who cares about him as much as I do, or who he will get along with as well...but I can't blame him, after nine years of not seeing other people (he's rather socially inept), for wanting to try. I've always been "available" to him, so I think he takes me for granted. Maybe just back off and give him space? Let him find out what it's like without me?

September 1, 2009
2:59 pm
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D dog
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...and in the meantime, keep working on myself (I'm in therapy now, it's been going really well).

September 1, 2009
3:19 pm
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truthBtold
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D dog,

The title of your thread is: He wants to see other people"

What do YOU want?

I think before you go any further, you may need to sit down and ask yourself that question FIRST and be very clear about it.

(Otherwise, it would seem to me that you are kind of setting yourself up for heartbreak/confusion about the whole nature of the relationship from the getgo here by not being really clear on exactly just what it is that YOU WANT from this point right now, going forward..)

Do you want to continue being 'available' to him and if so, that's fine. I just think that you are kind of setting yourself up for disappointment when you say that you don't think that he is going to find anyone else out there who cares for him as much as you do or anyone who can get along with him as much as you do.

That may be what you think, but just know that there is a chance that that may in fact, be absolutely true for him and then again, maybe not.

You take your chances, IMHO when you leave caution to the wind and are not clear in just exactly what you want and don't want is all I'm sayin.....

Sorry, hope this is not too blunt....

September 1, 2009
4:19 pm
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D dog
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TBT -

Not at all - very good points! I really DO need to think about what I want. Good topic for my therapy session next week - thank you for the reply.

September 1, 2009
5:13 pm
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fantas
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In a word.... NO! Get someone who loves you as a woman and let this friendship be just that. You really aren't just FWB, you are sleeping with him hoping he will change his mind and choose you. Friends with benefits don't get upset if the other one moves on...

September 1, 2009
5:15 pm
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It No Longer Matters
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D Dog I have been reading a book called what would Jackie do? About JackieO. (Kennedy) So right now I am applying her wisdom to most of my decisions. There are two ways to look at this.
1. He is going to continue using you and crawling in your bed when he is lonely.

2. He is going to find someone else and she is going to insist he end his friendship with you when she finds out that you have been FWB.

Do you want to go ahead and feel the pain and start healing now? Or do you want to let it drag on slow and agonizing? Either way is going to hurt. One way allows you to exit with your self respect the other doesn't. Your choice.

Bitsy

September 1, 2009
5:23 pm
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StronginHim77
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Fantas and Bitsy said it all.

I'm in complete agreement.

- Ma Strong

September 1, 2009
5:28 pm
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D dog
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"You really aren't just FWB, you are sleeping with him hoping he will change his mind and choose you."

YEP. That is exactly what I've been doing. And it has to end.

NOW.

Thank you, guys, for the support.

September 2, 2009
12:50 am
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Stacers
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I have went through the same thing and I really loved him and he kept telling me he didn't see it going anywhere more than what it was...FWB. I held on and held on, but when the girls started calling while he was at my house and the text messages from girls started coming in I was furious! His reply, I told you that it would never be more than what it is.
I have learned that when a guy says something it is exactly what he means. Don't try to think it will be anything more. I did and I got hurt really bad, in fact I'm still hurting and it's been a very long time.

September 2, 2009
8:07 am
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Worried_Dad
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My advice: Move on.

Not that I'm one to talk.

September 2, 2009
9:04 am
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atalose
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Some really great advice here!!! I think for so many of us we’ve all been in that situation of being with someone who will never be able to fulfill our needs and wants but we stay hoping THEY will change.

I have learned over the years that I can take the hard road and wait for someone else to open their eyes, or I can take the easy road and simply open my own.

And that’s always the hard part, opening our eyes to the things we really don’t want to see or face.

D dog……….maybe it’s time to put some distance in this “friendship” for your own sake. Limit your contact with him until you can emotionally pull away from him.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

September 2, 2009
11:19 am
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D dog
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The thing is - like Stacers said - he has always told me it wouldn't be anything more than that. But we had recently started doing more things together - going out for dinner, ice skating (I'm taking lessons. Yeah, in Phoenix in August - go figure!), etc. I felt like we were getting closer, and we were more than FWBs.

Then he sends me a text Sunday night that he went out on a date! Turns out he just had dinner with a co-worker, and it wasn't even an actual date - but he KNEW that wording it like that would hurt me - he did it intentionally. My therapist told me to tell him how I felt about it (completely sh***y thing to do!). It was hard, but I did, and this is how I got to where I am now, with him telling me that he is definitely going to date other people (for real).

Because, and I quote, he "can't love me like I want to be loved". Whatever the f**k that means!

And yeah, I guess it was better to find out now...BEFORE the calls and texts start coming in from others...it's just always been hard for me to walk away from dudes (co-dependent and all). Thank God I have a good therapist now, anyway. And - I'm BACK on AAC! LOL.

September 2, 2009
11:32 am
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lollipop3
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Hey Ddog..... I'm sorry that things aren't going so well right now.

I could be wrong but the feeling I'm getting from reading your posts is that he told you about the date as a way to let you know that he did not want to date you exclusively.

Many men (and women) have a difficult time speaking directly about their feelings...especially when their feelings have the potential to hurt someone else...so I think it is entirely possible that he did it that way to open the door for that conversation or at the very least to let you know what his intentions are, with or without the conversation.

From what you wrote above it appears that you perceived a change in the relationship that he may not have intended and he may have in turn perceived a change in you which then prompted him to put the brakes on.

Of course this is only a guess on my part but that is what comes to mind for me when I read your posts.

Having said that...whether I am guessing correctly or not, the fact remains that he has been clear on his intentions at this point and I think the best thing you can do for yourself now is to believe him. Take him at his word that he does not want to be exclusive with you and do what you have to do to protect yourself and your feelings.

And by all means, if being FWB's has become painful for you....please stop doing that to yourself.

Take care,
Lolli

September 2, 2009
11:39 am
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atalose
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D dog,

Let me ask you a question.

Right now today where do you see this “friendship/relationship” thing going now that he’s made it clear to you exactly where you stand with him?

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

September 2, 2009
11:44 am
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D dog
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Ah, Lolli. My old friend. I'm so glad you are still here. And, I think you are 100% correct.

I had to ask myself, and be objective - wait! Just because you've known this guy for 7 years, it doesn't change the reality of what is going on. If I met a brand new guy, today, who told me the same thing, would I date him? No! A dog is a dog is a dog.

The friendship part (and the sex) was amazing, but it isn't worth losing my dignity by being second (or third or fourth) choice...

And the FWB label, as mentioned above, was my justification for waiting for him to change. Which is not going to happen. I'm done with that, and will never do that again, with anyone.

BTW, how have you been? Shaney still around?

September 2, 2009
11:48 am
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D dog
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atalose -

I don't know...actually, I don't think I'll even hear from him again...he did say that if I'm going to be hurt by his seeing others, that maybe we shouldn't see each other. Of course, at the time, I said I didn't care...

But I do - and I now have anger under the surface that will only make things ugly...I don't think it can go anywhere now, do you?

I have a serious texting problem that I will have to get over, though...lol...

September 2, 2009
12:51 pm
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atalose
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Ok if you are asking yourself “can this go anywhere now” what’s the answer you want to hear then compare that to what you already know.

As for the texting, treat it as an addiction and again ask yourself where is all that texting getting you, certainly not where you want to be so let yourself off the hook. And if you have anger brewing it’s bound to come out in his direction and then he’ll just cut the hook leaving you feeling even worse.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

September 2, 2009
1:09 pm
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lollipop3
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D,

Yes, I'm still here. I don't post much with regard to my own issues much anymore but I still check in to see how others are doing. I think it's much the same with Shaney too (as well all the others from back when). She pops in from time to time but doesn't post much anymore.

Things for me are ok. Snow and I have been broken up for almost two years now and I've gotten married since last you and I spoke. My husband is great but I'd be lying if I said all was wonderful in paradise. He has two children from previous relationships and his ex's, I'm convinced, have come to earth straight out of hell. And hell is what it's like dealing with them.

Of course I knew all this before I married him so I have no one else to blame for the fact that I am in this situation but myself. Having said that...my husband is a sweet, loving and kind man and with a little luck and a lot of patience and hard work, we will make it through it all.

Thanks for asking and hey....stick around a while will ya?

September 2, 2009
3:29 pm
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D dog
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Well, congratulations Lolli! There is hope after all the angst, huh?

I am suffering today...I miss him already. But doesn't even remaining friends make me his "back-up" girl? Wouldn't it be better to just leave it alone (gut-wrenchingly painful as that is) and let him do what he feels he's gotta do? Not like I have a choice - he's going to anyway.

Dammit, I never should have gone out with him...should have left it at Scrabble and sex...this is so damn unfair that I can't stand it. I feel sick.

September 2, 2009
4:01 pm
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truthBtold
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Hey D Dog,

(For what it is worth), I think that you are doing just a fine job of no contact!!!!

It ain't easy!

I can't COUNT how many times in the past, I put myself in a naive, 'magical thinking' position in a relationship only to have it blow up in my face because well, I just didn't know any better. But you know, par for the course.

When we know better, we do better.

Keep up the great work with no contact!!!!!

(Maybe you can take solace that it WILL get easier as each day goes by and then maybe someday you will look back on this and think - Geesh, what a waste of my precious time & energy!)

Hand in there sweets!

Oh, something just sprang to my mind just now - It is a book by Steve Harvey (the comedian) entitled: "Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man"

I saw him on a few shows talking about the book and he just made tons of sense to me.....about how alot of women just don't raise the bar very high when it comes to men and how, not unlike when you first start a new job - there is a 'probationary period' of 2-3 months or so, where you just back to see if it is a good match, you know?

(Anyway, that just popped in my noggin and thought I would just ler 'er rip.)

Take care and just keep being strong like you are doing.........

tBt

September 2, 2009
7:03 pm
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D dog
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tbt -

I suck at no contact. I find it nearly impossible. I am a communicator. I've been dying to text or email him all day (but haven't).

I can only do "no contact" with people who I am convinced are complete a-holes, or crazy, or scarily toxic. I don't think that about him...I mean, he can't force feelings for me that he just doesn't have - and that doesn't make him evil. Also, he has never lied to me or led me on about the status of our "relationship".

This is what makes it so difficult - I can't hate him. Wish I could. The thought of not hanging out with him is so horrible that I can barely breathe. Is that worse than just being friends (without the benefits?)I think it is. Because I genuinely like, as well as love him. Is it not better to just accept friendship, without the "benefits"?

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