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He wants only to be friends
May 25, 2007
6:45 am
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bonni
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Good Luck Nina

bonni

May 25, 2007
12:47 pm
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StronginHim77
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Nina -

I'm not a professional and don't know what your friend's diagnosis might be, but there is no medication for narcissism. So, I am puzzled about your mention of his medication? Is this for depression?

- Ma

May 26, 2007
1:34 am
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Nina009
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Stongin, Yes it is for depression, He took Lexapro for a while but did not like the side effects, I take and I like it. One of my brothers is a psiquiatras and he will prescribe something else. I WILL NOT LIVE WITH HIM AGAIN UNLESS HE IS TAKING MEDICATION, he said he will ONCE WE ARRIVE IN MY COUNTRY.
I wish there was a pill for narcissism, I will give him a BIG douses! LOL.
He is here, and we are going away for the holiday with my brother and his wife here in the States, a Doctor also.
Thank you for writing

May 26, 2007
7:06 am
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taj64
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Why do you wanta friend like this? Until you give up this difficult friendship because obviously you have more feelings for him than he does you, you won't be open for what you really want and need. Why do you want to accept what he has to offer when it is not what you want? You are only putting up with it because you think eventually he will come around but he won't because he says he won't. When they say, they mean it. When you say, you need to mean it too. Ask for what you want and if it is not what you want, find what you want. Why live with the exhusband? That relationship is over. It looks like you are dependent on a man taking care of you when maybe it would be nice if you could just take care of yourself. materials things are nice but you are selling yourself short by settling.

May 26, 2007
8:26 am
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risingfromtheashes
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what happens if you arrive in your country and he doesn't fufill his promise?

will you be stuck there?

If he doesn't take his meds when he arrives, then what?

if he was serious...he'd start taking them NOW to show you he was serious.

May 26, 2007
8:39 am
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risingfromtheashes
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I'm also confused about the living arrangements.

When your friend is in town, does he stay at your home with your husband and child there too?

Is your child confused because you are divorced, but living with husband and sleeping with another man in the home (if that's the case?)?

All in all, I think you have two men in your life that need to be booted...neither of them provide for you like you deserve....one is there for financial support only....the other gives you friendship and companionship, but not the whole package that a partner should provide.

I think you are shortchanging yourself.

You mention going back to your country for two months? what happens after that two months?

May 26, 2007
1:31 pm
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Nina009
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It is not like you think. If you read, I have said that the x is just a roommate, and he knows the friend and tolerate him. My son is grown up now and understands. From the outside it looks like I have 2 men, but at the moment I have sex with none!. the friend sleeps in a Hotel. I know it is pretty weird, this is why no one know much about my life, only here.
And he has no insurance so in my country will be cheaper . If he does not take the medication, it won`t work for me, because there is a limit.
He is very nice caring and considered 90% of the time. It is very difficult to explain ones history in few lines here, but believe me I am not dummy anymore.

May 29, 2007
10:36 pm
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Nina009
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I need some heavy duty counseling!.
I went to some coda meetings once, but I did not like that you have to read religious things, and you do not get any advise. I will try to get a sicologist when I go home.
I read all your comments, and you all are so wright!, but I am not emotionaly strong to dump him just yet, and we are going together on this trip. I have a feeling it is going to be a disaster!. This is going to get us closer or breaks us forever! If so, I will come back and resume my life or go back there alone, but with peace in my mind.

May 29, 2007
11:41 pm
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fantas
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Nina...I wish you all the best on your trip. Right or wrong, I believe you are exactly where you need to be for your next growth stage. However this trip turns out for you will determine what you do next with your life. I left a well paying job, friends, and moved to a new country because I was engaged to be married. I knew in my heart that it was not going to work out but I just didn't have the courage to not move. In a way, I wanted to prove to him that it wouldn't work. It was a disaster and I hit my all time bottom. However, I have healed many wounds from my past, I have found myself, and I feel that I wouldn't be here today were it not for my last relationship. So, I know you will grow from this...

I am sorry you didn't like your CoDa experience. The format is borrowed from the AA format which is a spiritual but not a religious movement. Many people struggle with this at first and if you can over look that part, you might learn from the experiences of those who have been and are where you are. It may take a few tries. I was just happy to be around people who didn't think I was a complete idiot for getting into bad relationships. That was my hook into the program. Keep posting, were are here for you...

May 30, 2007
8:34 am
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risingfromtheashes
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Nina, ok...I think I understand the arrangements now...thank you for clarifying.

When you go back to your country - what are the arrangements...why you going and why for only two months?...where will you stay?

Know that many doctors offer reduced rates for counseling and even medications...so even if your friend has no insurance, getting medication is possible. He also sounds like he should have enough money to buy medication even without insurance...he travels, has no household expenses...no family to care for. I don't want to sound like I judge...but I am a single mom, who pays all the bills, living expenses, etc...and when I needed my medication, I paid full price at the pharmacy....I found ways to pay for it because it was that important to me.

When you get to your country - if it doesn't work out - will you be stuck? or will you return to your other home? at the end of the two months, do you return to your home too? why won't he be traveling during that time?

sorry for all the questions - just trying to gain a better understanding of your situation.

May 30, 2007
2:30 pm
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Nina009
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Thank you RISING for caring. We are trying to buy a house or land for many years, but everything is very expensive in this country, so we want to go and see what we can buy. We have few good ideas, the 2 months will be to study the situation and to see how we like it and what is available. If we find something (and he does not go crazy) we will buy and live there permanent.
At first we will rent a house away from the city but not very far, my family is helping us find one, we could stay with my family, but he does not want to bother anyone. He needs to see a doctor to take medication for depression, and like I said one of my brothers is a psiquiatras, and he has giving him medicine before, but now we will be there longer so he can have some therapy.
He DRIVES around this country for a living, so he will put his job on hold, and so will I. I won`t get stuck because I am an American citizen also. I own a beautiful and luxurious apartment there in the city, it is rented at the moment, but if things go wrong I can always live there and I have a back up plan. I also have money saved, so don`t worry I won`t get stuck. I am not a young girl, this is why I put up with this man, if I was in my 30`s or so I would have send him to hell long time ago, but is is not easy to find a man when you get older, man want a young hot woman. I WANT COMPANION, SOMEONE TO DO THINGS WITH, I had many, many relationships that were just sex, but they don`t last, and they gave me more HEART ACHE than this one. I also think the intimacy with us got old and not exiting any more. So aether I have the guy with lots of sex but never caring for me to go traveling and spending time with me, or a man that does mostly what I want and is my companion but we are not spending much time in bed. I know it would be ideal to have both. And believe me I am not blind and if that opportunity comes I will take it in a minute. I am convinced that there are no man out there for me anymore. I want a caring honest, loyal man that takes good care of his body like I do, and man in my age range, look like hell, or the ones with good morals, active, fun, good looks are married.
MY WORRIES ARE MAINLY THAT HE IS VERY ANTISOCIAL AND ANY SMALL THING SET HIM OF THE DEEP END. This is why I think he need medicine. I don`t want to live with a person that gets angry all the time, and not necessarily with me, but I have to listen to his ranting and raving!.
I will try CoDa again. Thank you so much for allowing me to vent my frustrations.

May 30, 2007
3:06 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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I think you are putting the cart before the horse, no?

Buying a home is a HUGE commitment. And you aren't married, nor have any kind of relationship commitment.

So, what I see, is that you feel that if you guys buy the home together, it is sink or swim...either he will reform or he will leave.

But that is a HUGE risk.

I totally get that you are thinking that companionship is better than nothing.

But I totally believe that there IS a guy that gives you the best of both worlds out there for you...but you need to be AVAILABLE to receive that gift...and if you are caught up with this guy...or living with another guy....you aren't really "open" to something good.

If a "good" guy came along and found out you lived with an ex...chances are, he'd bolt....if a "good" guy came along and found out you were sharing a home with a best friend, he'd bolt. No real healthy partner is going to want to be with someone that is involved in dead end relationships...cuz it is bound to come between any potential.

If you buy a home, do you have enough funds to support yourself if he backs out? Do you want to stay there? Are you choosing home because of the financial thing and because he can get medication there?

Be honest with yourself (you don't have to answer this to me)....the meds will only help so much....do you really think you can live with this man "AS IS". Cuz the chances he is going to change overnight is a HUGE LONG SHOT....change will take time. Do you want to wait? Is he worth it? What if he doesn't change? You aren't getting any younger.

You mention his antisocial behaviour...and the small things that set him off....do you want to live a life of walking on eggshells around him? at least now you get some respite when he goes back on the road....but when he is around 24/7 will you be the target of his rage?

What if therapy and medication don't work as hoped?

I just feel like this is a huge risk for you...and the rewards? what are they really?

weigh the pros and cons...talk it out, write it out.

Are you hoping that moving will change how he feels about you?

just some things to think about.

May 30, 2007
4:15 pm
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Nina009
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I see your concerns. I won`t be investing money on this deal. I will have a lot of freedom and I will probably will be away doing business.
I don`t think medicine will make him love me the way I want, but it will calm him down. I have a plan B, so if it does not work with him I can take care of my self financially. It is very difficult to see the outcome, I have a lot of fears but this is it. There won`t be any more chances. This is the risk we are going to take. I know it does not look good but all we can do is try. WE WILL `NOT BUY' anything until we are certain everything is going to work out.
We had been apart for months sometimes and I have dated, I know what is out there! NOBODY.

May 30, 2007
4:22 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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for clarity - what country/state do you live in now and where are you moving to?

trying to figure out the logistics here.

glad to hear you have a plan B - sounds like you may need it.

May 30, 2007
7:24 pm
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Nina009
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I live in the west of the USA. And we are going in few weeks to South America, where life is much more affordable, great weather and not so stressful when you bring dollars. We were there last summer.
I think I just need help understanding 'how can a man sleep with a woman and not want her, when he is not having sex with another'?. I Finally understood, when MA-STRONG wrote, and some of you, I thought I was the only one in this planet!.
Yesterday I was very upset after a few days together with my Brother and wife and he was a bit unsocial, and everyone thinks he is weird.
But about money of he taking advantages of me or using me no, that is not the case, I know him very well and he is a good person just 'crazy', or depress without medication, I think you can change your bad mood and sadness with drugs and a more peaceful life, but not a mean spirit, and that he is not.

May 31, 2007
8:52 am
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risingfromtheashes
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nina...that clarifies things a bit.

I would say that his behaviour is not healthy...but you know that.

I would just caution you (again) not to put too much hope into the medicine and peaceful life being the solution to the problem.

HE has to find the solution himself. And he has to want it.

If it is coming as an ultimatum from you - it may backfire.

It's like if he was an alcohlic...and you told him "either quit drinking or I leave". He quits...but the minute something happens, he starts again, and says that it's your fault he is drinking...cuz he quit for you and you treated him wrong and now he has to drink to cope.

He has to want the change for himself to make it work.

And if he is an american citizen and goes to a doctor here - he can get low cost medications, free samples, and see a psychiatrist on a sliding fee scale based on his income. HE can also go to a clinic for low cost health care.

I think it's just an excuse for not getting it....and my guess is, when he gets to south america, he will have yet more excuses not to get help.

Do you enjoy his company when he is being antisocial?

He sounds alot like my first guy...who was gay, but did not want to tell anyone...so he hid it.

We had some physical relationship, but he didn't like to kiss...and didn't like to have intercourse...only when I forced the issue...and then I didn't enjoy it. He held hands, he snuggled...he said he loved me. But that was it. We had interests in common....but I remember following him everywhere, doing everything he wanted to do...he had an interesting life and mine was boring, so I was glad to follow him around.

In the end, he finally admitted he was gay...we talked about being married but having lovers on the side, since we were best friends...but one day I woke up and realized how I was shortchanging myself...settling for less than the whole package.

So, we walked away as friends and that was it.

I still think he is taking advantage of you...that he has everythign he wants, without the commitment.

May 31, 2007
8:00 pm
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Nina009
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HE want to take the maedication, and I want him to do so, but this last time is his idea, because he is getting so bad he can knows he needs it.
What esactly is a commitment?.
I think when you are commited to someone, it puts pressure on you, and you want to be together because you are married or it is in writing. We are together because we want to be with one another, not because we have to.
He is far from gay, before I met him, he had a beutiful young girlfrind for 5 years, but she was too young and she wanted to party too much. He REALLY loved her, but she had too much fun with other guys and she was a bit irresponsible.

June 1, 2007
11:09 am
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risingfromtheashes
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maybe she had fun with other guys because he wasn't satisfying her in bed either?

you don't know both sides of the story really, do you?

as far as commitment...commitment is admitting that the person you are with is the one you CHOOSE to be with and that nobody will come between you.

I'm not saying on paper...my BF and I have a spoken commitment to be together...we don't need rings.

But even if you did have paper - that can still be broken, just as a verbal commitment is.

My only point is that a commitment is both of you agreeing to be true to only eachother.

Without that, you are just someone he is playing around with now and when the next person comes along, he is free to leave with no strings attached.

June 1, 2007
6:23 pm
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Nina009
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I hear you, but this man is not the norm, he is very sick in his head, and I am worse for taking it. My mistake is not letting go many years ago.
He loved his woman and they were very sexually active. For the first 4 or five years, he could not stop talking about her, (nothing good). He had pictures of her in every which way and form. I had a chance to talk to her and she told me he was a good man but very difficult person. I even read some beautiful letters from her I actually translated them to him, she could not express her feelings in English that well.
I am going on this trip, he is paying for most of it, if it does not work out, it will NOT surprise me one bit!.
He talks about meeting a woman, but he really does not go anywhere but work and be with me, and if he finds her she`ll drop him like a hot potato, unless she is as sick as me.
In 10 years he has not have a relationship with anyone but me, other than a couple of affairs, that lasted 2 weeks, and that was when I was having mine.
I tell you this just to show you that we are both sick!.

June 1, 2007
6:51 pm
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fantas
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Nina, sounds like you've made your decision. I wish you the very best on your trip. I am a strong believer in the fact that we are exactly where we are supposed to be. You seem to know how this man is, you know that you are sick for accepting what the deals you. Now all you have to do is walk this journey to you come the fork and then you will know then what you should do next. In the mean time...God speed!! Since you've decided on your trip, I say, give it a whirl and have a load of fun while you are at it:). Keep us posted:)

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