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He wants me to visit him in Jail
July 17, 2007
9:15 pm
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lettingo
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Okay, not sure who remembers my story but I divorced my alcoholic/addict four months ago because he got very addicted to prescription drugs and was actually on the news for how many fake prescriptions he passed. His addiction hurt me beyong words and I know anyone who has ever loved an addict knows what I mean. He lied, betrayed me and stole a lot of money and left me in a very bad financial situation. He has been clean for a few months. He said he had turned himself into jail. Anway, he wrote a letter asking if I would visit him before he was sentenced because he had some things he wanted me to know. My first reaction was NO I'm not ready. I would just sit and cry. I still miss my ex believe it or not because he was at one time a good and loving husband but I never want to put myself in a situation where I can get used or abused ever again. Anyway, I don't think I will go BUT then I think will it help me in some way? Will it help get closure? Or will I just be taking hugs steps backwards. Any thoughts? Feeling a little upset and shakey. I changed my phone numbers months ago because contact was too hard. Should I just face my fears?

July 17, 2007
9:46 pm
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fantas
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Lettingo, Wow, I don't envy your choice. I think that you have to put yourself first. The only reason to go see if is if you have things to say to him or if you believe he is giving you an apology. You have to be honest about whether or not seeing him will cause you to slide back emotionally. He is not going anywhere so you can see him when you are ready. Trust your insticts. Keep us posted...

July 17, 2007
9:54 pm
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lettingo
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fantas
Thanks for your quick response. I can always count on this site. I am sure he is wanting to make his amends because I think he is working his 12 steps but this of course is speculation. I think you are right and that is to trust my instincts. I have said everything so many times. I just think it would hurt too much. Like you said once he is sentenced and moved to prision or wherever they send him and I change my mind, I can find him. Thanks. This sucks!!!!

July 17, 2007
10:07 pm
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sad sack
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Letting go,

I can see that you are struggling with this. You have responded to my thread and I have read many of your responses elsewhere. My question to you is what would you have said if someone else posed this question here? I have a feeling that you would have said (without hesitation) "don't go, it will only result in an emotional backslide." You were always a strong advocate of the no contact policy. But now that you are presented with the possibility of seeing him, you can see that it is not always cut and dry. Believe me, I know how hard it is. By what I have read, it is so evident that you loved your exhusband deeply. Only you can make the decision whether or not to see him. Perhaps, you should ask him to write down his thoughts in a letter. This way, he gets to express himself and you don't have to go through the pain and anguish of seeing him once again.

Well whatever you decide, I wish you the best. I know you will put a lot of thought in your decision and that it will not be a hasty one. I have always gotten the feeling that you are an amazingly strong woman. SO I have confidence that you will make the right decision and that you will come out of this okay.

SAD

July 17, 2007
10:36 pm
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lettingo
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Sad,
Very good point regarding what would I say to someone else. And you are right I am a srong believer in the no policy. I will go with that little voice that said immediately, no! You are right to say it isn't always that cut and dry especially when it was someone you were married to thinking you would spend the rest of your life with. I haven't had any contact with him since my divorce four months ago and haven't seen him since November. I will continue to keep it that way. Thank you for your kind words. I don't even want a letter from him at this point because I've heard it all and I've said all I had to say. For this new chapter, case closed! Thanks again. I know that if and when I have to face him, I will. That day may never come so for now, I will continue doing what I've been doing.

July 18, 2007
1:38 am
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_anonymous
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When I read that you had divorced him. That sounded pretty final to me. I am married to an addict. Duragesic, oxycontin, vicodin, effexor, serequl, all perscribed by a worker comp doc and the other a nurse practioner. Not to mention the case of beer a day to chase it down. He is in jail for the second time since November for getting hopped up on the stuff and getting angry. Jail is the best way to dry him out. Completly different person. He is paying a very big price that has definatly got his attention. When he wrote me the first letter I did not write one back just sent him some money so he could write more. After 2 weeks took his call. I told him to just walk the walk I did not want to hear the talk. Told him I still believed in him. Will reserve any further judgement until he gets out of jail then I will see what he actually does. I am still married to him. I am glad he is in jail. Gives me time to put my life together. Follow your heart. Do what you think is right. If you can have boundaries and seperate yourself from this mans BS then I think it would be OK

July 18, 2007
9:38 am
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atalose
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Good for you letting go, I am so so proud of you.

My first instincts are always right and if not going to visit him was your first instinct, stick with it.

A few months of being clean is nothing, see if he still wants to see you in a year or two. He's still being manipulative because he still has addict behavior, that doesn't go away with a few months of being clean.

I admire your strength and courage; keep doing what you’re doing because it seems to be working!!!!!!

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

July 18, 2007
10:25 am
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taj64
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I read somewhere it takes at least 6 months or longer after a divorce before a person can be comfortable again and that is with putting distance between the ex. I also read that in some situations it can take 2 years. time is really the only key to overcome it. Four months and I see you are still fresh from your wounds if you have to question to see him again. If you are doing well now then keep it that way. The longer the better. If you knew 100 percent of recovery then you would not even question to go visit him. It could put you in a place to feel sorry for him. You have been through enough. And you must be proud of how you are doing now. Keep your spirits up, people will try to bring it down, just don't let it happen. Dismiss the negativity.

July 18, 2007
11:50 am
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lettingo
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Destinystar, my ex was in jail for six weeks in work release while we were married. It was at the end of many of his relapses and he really really seemed like he was done and had really seen the light. This was all alcohol related. I drove him back and forth for almost six weeks and would visit him on Sunday for 1/2 hr. I told him we needed to agree that if he relapsed again, we would divorce because I had had enough. He agree and guess what, he didn't relapse on alcohol but instead when head over heels in prescription speed. I had also told him, that if he ever landed in jail again, I would not visit him.

atalose: Excellent point regarding length of sobriety. I don't even think they know they are manipulating the situation. It is so second nature and I don't want to test the waters any more.

Taj64, You are right in saying the wound is still there and I definetly need a lot more time. The longer the best is the best so I will not do something before I am ready. This road was way too hard to go backwards. Every step I took was like rock climbing. It took everything I had and then some.
T
Thanks ladies!!

July 18, 2007
1:42 pm
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thedogsmom
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(((lettinggo)))
I know your story all too will. Have lived your life. Still am. Still am as hurt and confused as you as to where to go from here. Moving on..is what our heads are telling us....
trying to forget the past...and truly 'accept' that the dream men we once had--died-- when they became addicted.
As to advise you- I would have to agree with your decision. To ignore his request and let it go-For now. I fear that since you haven't seen him since November, that you would really have a setback, once you see him in prison. You knew this man when he was loveable and capable and 'didn't belong in a place like prison'. He was your "husband" - your friend.

While I am happy to hear that he has been clean for a few months and is working his 12 steps...I think he has a long way to go to get to the point where he really is clean and sober and happy with himself and in a place where HE can control himself when it comes to 'using'. I think that while prison, is such a horrible scary thing, that maybe this...is what he needs ...his rock-bottom....to truly..
pick him self up..get off the drugs.. and struggle for that new clean and better life ahead.

There is a part of you that will always want to HELP him.. to save him from his own demons.. but you tried that already..and it's really only HE who can save himself.

Should you face your fears? Would it help to see him.?.. would you perhaps feel NOTHING for him, when you actually see him in person?..when you hear him speak to you?..If so...would that tell you that you are doing the right thing by moving forward without him in your life..allow for better closure?

Or would you perhaps feel sorrow, and pity and then continue to worry and wonder what your part should be from here on out? Should you be a support system to him..to encourage him to get better...? Wouldn't he just want more from you? more visits? money on his books? support??

I believe that while you would LOVE to be able to give him a chance to make amends..to say his peace to you....that in this case...since it is still so 'soon' in his recovery process....not to mention yours.... that it would do YOU -- more harm ..than good. And remember...this is YOUR recovery process too! YOU are supposed to be putting YOUR needs first. Protecting YOURSELF first. You gave him many chances already. You put his needs first and ignored yours for WAY too long already. I'm not sure I could say NO to him. (I'm failing miserably-right now in my own struggle)...But IF you can... summon the strength to say NO-...
And to hold on to the good reasons for your NO:
1) to protect your own heart
2) to give him time ... to ...let him struggle a bit and know that HE has to count on Himself and to do it FOR himself if he wants to save himself.

You have come so far already. Who knows what the future will hold...but for now... while you are still tormented by his shadow and digging yourself out of your hole.... I would have to say.... IF YOU CAN SAY NO...NO CONTACT is the BEST thing you can do for YOU right now.
Atalose said "let him tend to sweeping his sidewalk..and you tend to yours"... (or something like that).

Big hugs to you. You had me crying just reading this thread...cuz...it's so SAD... the heartbreak ..these addicts bring to those who love them.

TDM

July 18, 2007
2:57 pm
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lettingo
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thedogsmom
I know you really do understand the nightmare. You think once you are divorced it will end but they still hang on. You are so right when you say I STILL at times have that knee jerk reaction of thinking when he needs help I'm the one who has to step up. I am going to keep doing what I'm doing. When he wasn't in jail I would take his calls and ended up changing my phone numbers so he couldn't reach me. I didn't leave him because I didn't love him and left because I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. Tired of being tricked and tired of putting myself in front of train to run me over! I feel a mixture of saddness and anger that he still reaching at TO ME! Knowing full well what he has put me through. I wrote back and only put that I was declining his invitation and just said take care and signed my name. Short and to the point. You are right regarding my future because with him I KNOW what it COULD bring but without him my life has so many wonderful possibilities. I have been in a pretty good place and for the first time happy and content. It is only when I get anything from him that I sink under. Thanks for your input. Keep fighting for your life. It will be all worth it although I know the pain can be overwhelming at times. My motto, "Be true to yourself". Hugs!

July 18, 2007
8:15 pm
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thedogsmom
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letting go.
I'm still so proud of you and how far you have come. I hate that the pain didn't stop when you divorced him..or when I kicked him out...
I guess only good old "time" will heal these wounds and let our minds finally rest...knowing we did ALL we could for them. Unfortunately our TRUE kind of love and compassion didn't just die overnight like our trust for them did.

Your reply to him was perfect.
A simple.. "sorry- but no thank you..goodbye..take care". honest and compassionate.

Don't even question whether you should go visit him...just try to be at peace with your decision...since you only divorced him a few months ago..and THIS is supposed to be YOUR time now. You said it yourself..and I know it for myself now too.. that without "him" "I have been in a pretty good place, happy and content".

It took a long long long time to get there to that peaceful state. To get out of bed and out of the depression and state of just getting through the workday.

I know you have made the right decision --definitely for YOU and I honestly believe for HIM too..cause this way he will have to realize that he really LOST it all...you included... that he is on his own now... and perhaps he can let that motivate himself to pick himself up and try to really kick the habit.

""with him I know what the future COULD bring... but without him...my life has so many possibilities""....

So true...
Happy to hear you are holding your ground and being smart and strong.. I know it ain't easy!
Hugs back to you...
TDM

July 18, 2007
8:49 pm
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fantas
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(((Lettingo))) good for you for putting yourself first and letting your ex know that you will no longer allow him to manipulate you. If he is really working his program, he will respect this. I was just wondering if you attend Alanon. They might give you the immediate support you might need at this time.

July 19, 2007
9:44 am
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lettingo
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fantas,
Yes, I've been going to Alanon for 2 years. Would never have gotten this far without it. I also work one-on-one with sponsor. I always recommend it to people living or dealing with any kind of addiction. It really is a great program.

July 24, 2007
6:06 pm
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_anonymous
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This is not my husbands first time in jail with drug related BS. The first time he went to jail I did visit him and took 700 dollars worth of calls only for him to be right back at it again the second he step foot out of the jail cell. This time I am wise to his BS. I enjoy the peace in my life. He will be there a while and I hope to be divorced and having no desire to have anything to do with him once he gets out. Oh if it was only that easy.

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