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He wants divorce because I questioned Vegas trip for three years
February 21, 2006
2:51 pm
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my fault
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My husband has given me the silent treatment for eight months while saying he wants a divorce but will not move out of the house. He wants a divorce because I have been asking to many questions on a trip to Vegas he took with three girls for a seminar/vacation.
We were not getting along at that time when he made plans to go without me and than after I begged him, I was allowed. But once I was given the permission he went into the silent treatment.
He later stated he had an attraction to one of the woman he went to Vegas with. Some two hundred pictures were taken on his digital camera and then placed on a cd for the girls and him.
I have asked to see this cd and was told no by him and the girls. Now he wants a divorce because I can't let it go.
I'm home in this house depressed and codependent on him....how do I let go and move on or out...he never cared about this house but I loved and took care of it....now it seems I am in a holding position of should I leave or stay.
I have not worked for two 1/2 years because my job involved working with him & the girls and depression and IBS became a every day occurence since I could not get past my thoughts about Vegas...now I need to work but I am so depressed on this situation...I have been in therapy for several years and group therapy first time yesterday. Please give me your thoughts on what I need to do FOR MYSELF and my SANITY.

February 21, 2006
3:00 pm
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whidbey
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Yikes. Why SHOULD you "get past your thoughts" about Vegas? He probably cheated on you and now is holding that info over your head, and trying to make the "divorce" all your problem. Ugh, my immediate thought is for you to dump the bum, but I don't know the whole story (however, your words tell me everything I would want to know, if it were me). What does your therapist say, and how did the group react to this situation? Just curious...

February 21, 2006
3:28 pm
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taj64
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You husband sounds very controlling and unlovable and most of all selfish and try to blame you. Why would a woman ever have to ask for permission to go on a vacation/seminar with her own husband? It sounds like you are living his life but not your own. And he is living his life without any consideration or respect for you. You have every right to be concerned about your marriage and suspect and he should have provided you with the information you needed since you asked. It was not like you did this behind your back. It was open communication on your part to ask and he didn't return. Im sorry you are living this way. Maybe concentrate more and focus on your needs at the moment that have nothing to do with him will help you out now. You deserve a loving man, not this cold hearted man.

February 21, 2006
3:30 pm
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caraway
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my fault,

Sorry things are so rough right now. There is nothing worse than that lonely, desparate feeling that you are experiencing.

Why do we fight so hard to hang on to such distructive relationships? I have been that way for years, but I can say with out exception, everytime I have let go it has been a relief. I just need to stop repeating history and connecting with people who feed my codependency.

I hope that you find the courage to move away from this. It sounds like your health will benefit, and you will be able to focus on your own needs. A house is just a house.

Cary

February 21, 2006
3:46 pm
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readyforachange
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You had every right to question the trip to Vegas, and you had plenty of evidence that what was happening there was not appropriate. I agree, you shouldn't be forced to move on or let it go until he admits that he did something that hurt your relationship, and works to gain your trust and respect again. If he isn't willing to work to repair the relationship, and will not admit that he did something hurtful, then maybe it is time to move on.

It will be hard, and I'm not saying it is the only solution. Will he consider counseling? If so, it may be worth it. If not, you are doing what you can to take care of yourself, and I applaud you for that. Both individual and group counseling - and posting here - are exactly what you need to take care of you and your codependency. Hang in there, and don't give up on yourself. YOU are the only person you can change.

February 21, 2006
4:22 pm
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gettingthere
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hi if you are anything like me i find the silent treatment one of the worst things to deal with as there isant really much you can do about it cause if they aint gonna talk well they aint gonna talk...however the silent treatment is a passive-aggressive strategy,this behaviour has the subconscious purpose of making your partner feel bad and guilty in the hidden hope of the partner to back off.the strategy is extremely clever,
i hope this helps i have written this as sometimes it helps to understand why people behave in certain ways,instead we sometimes sit there going over and over it in our heads and end up thinking its about us instead of seeing that their, behaviour is their baggage,,you deserve more than the silent treatment,, this is maniplative and not nice,,,,,,,you have come to the right place you will not get the silent treatment here takecare GT

February 21, 2006
5:43 pm
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thirdtimearound
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Hi Mrs My Fault

I do not want to judge you or your husband and I wont. He may not want to show you the pics not bc he is necessarily cheating, but bc they are incriminating enough so that he loses out on the divorce. One thing is for sure though, he isnt putting forth an effort to make this work. What I like to do when faced with obstacles and over bearing feelings of low self esteem and depression is face the problem head on. Make your decision no matter how hard it is. When you are alone -- sit and make 3 goals for yourself that are realistic, self gratifying and something of a dream you have always wanted to do. Once you have gone through with the decision you have made and start acheiving your goals you feel so much better and you grow-- at least I do.

February 21, 2006
6:01 pm
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nappy
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Dear Myfault,
Your nickname should read something else because what he is doing to you is not your fault.
I haven't been in your situation but I have been where the other person don't want to talk. He didn't talk for a long time. Doing what he wanted to do. And also I didn't have a job but I had kids.
Well one day I went out looking for a job, it was raining hard. I ask god to please direct me because I didn't know where to go. Well God directed me to a job and when they told me I was hired that felt good. I went home with a change attitude. I didn't care if he talked to me or not. Well that when he started talking because now I am going to work, taking care of the kids, and the household. He was coming by my job wanting to take me home but you know I caught the bus to work and I caught the bus back home. He followed the bus all the way. He wasn't silent then. (smile)
It was very funny because after he wanted to talk, I didn't.
I'm not saying that, that is what you should do but sometimes when you give them back a little of there medicine, they don't like it.

February 21, 2006
6:37 pm
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readyforachange
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I agree with nappy...it isn't your fault.

My ex would spend long period of time not talking to me. For many years, I would get very upset by this...would follow him around and try to get him to talk to me.

After 17 years of marriage, I got sick of his immaturity. I didn't give a C**P if he talked to me or not, and I just went on with my life. It drove him insane when I did this, and he reacted with much more agressive behavior once his passive agressive behavior wasn't hurting me any more.

The point is, don't let his behavior control you. You can't change it...move on and make YOURSELF happy!

February 21, 2006
6:58 pm
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Shaney
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Hi myfault ...

This sort of thing absolutely infuriates me. It's a bunch of crap if you ask me... sorry to be so harsh but this is my thought: Think logically about this... If he wasn't guilty, by showing you the pictures eight months ago when you asked, he could have avoided eight months of questioning from you, and eight months of giving you the silent treatment. That seems like a lot of wasted energy and heartache just to punish you for asking questions.

He wants a divorce, but wants to leave you burdened with all of the blame. No one divorces someone else for asking questions about a possible affair - that's ridiculous. It's an excuse because he doesn't want to accept any responsibility for what he has probably done. If he was a loving husband who wanted to make his marriage work, he would have eased your mind months ago and avoided 8 months of turmoil.

In light of his still living in the house with you, do you feel that he's been unfaithful to you during the last 8 months? From what you've said, it seems like he's one to take the easy way out. He wants a divorce, but doesn't want it to inconvenience him (probably financially or physically) by moving out. Instead he remains in this constant state of upheaval with you by blaming this impending divorce on you. This way, he can do whatever he wants to (in or outside of your home), free of guilt.

If he wants a divorce, my advice is to give it to him. See an attorney, hand your husband the divorce papers, and give him what he's been threatening to do for months. Then tell him to move out. He seems to have already checked out emotionally - why would you want to share whats left of your life with someone who doesn't want to be in the marriage. It's heartbreaking, but you have to dig deep for what's left of your strength and self esteem, and get out of this once and for all. All you're doing is suffering. You're not living - and you deserve to live, don't you? Take your power back! Don't wait for someone to make decisions regarding your life, for you - start taking charge of your life by figuring out what you can do to make it better. Then act on it. We'll support you!

February 21, 2006
7:04 pm
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exoticflower
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Your husband is keeping secrets from you. This is deceptive and disrespectful, and not a marriage in which trust can exist. It is not YOUR FAULT. The foundation for a good relationship cannot be present under the secretive shame based environment he has created. Period.

February 21, 2006
7:07 pm
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exoticflower
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Further, it is very abusive for him to give you a silent treatment--which is something designed to punish or train someone to behave in a way that the abuser likes more--in your case, not to seek out the truth. For your own emotional safety, it is GOOD that you are getting out of this marriage. You deserve better, and his behavior is not loving, honest, open--it is suspicious, secretive, dishonest and in all around poor taste. Sorry to be blunt, but men behaving like this makes me sick to my stomach. He did something that resulted in your completley apropriate distrust and uncertaintly and now he is using your fears and insecurities to control and abuse you. It burns me up.

February 21, 2006
7:10 pm
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exoticflower
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Hit the post button too soon. What I think you can definately do for yourself is come to terms with his treatment of you as being abusive and being the real reason that you cannot have afunctioning marriage--let yourself free from the guilt you do not deserve and start tending to and loving yourself the way he is treating you like you do not deserve to be loved--that is, understand that he is wrong--you DO deserve honestly, love and respect, and the ideas an emotionally abusive partner put in your head should not have the right to control your feelings about yourself. I think it'll be easier to heal if you can recognize what you are REALLY healing from.

February 21, 2006
7:33 pm
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my fault
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I want to thank you for your words of support and encourgement. I know in my heart all that is said is true about his behavior. I wonder how I could want to be with a man that shows no respect for me but for his friends from Vegas or any other woman. I always felt I was more a servant to him than a wife. I was never given a chance to voice an opinion unless I agreed with him. The silent treatment went on thru out our sixteen yr marriage, but never to the degree it is now. I am also called sick and mental from him and his friends from the Vegas trip because for three years I kept asking for the 200 pics. Why do I want to be married to him and yet I don't? I visualize in my head all that he has done to me which makes me upset and yet I would take him back in a instant, what is wrong with my thinking? Why do I value myself so little? Please give me help on this....

February 21, 2006
8:10 pm
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exoticflower
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Well, for starters, when someone you love and trust calls you things like mental and sick for being suspicious about somthing that is being bizzarely concealed from you, and he inlists other people to humiliate and degrade you that way too..well, I just have a feeling that this didn't start out of nowhere. I'm sure he has been telling you what is wrong with you for quite some time now, if I know patterns of abuse, and he probably started doing it at first subtly. When someone tells you over and over and over again and does things to make you feel over and over and over again that you are foolis, defective, bad, flawed...well, that message MUST start sinking in! And for that matter, he seems to be taking some ambiguous form of authority (why can't you just walk over to your shared desk or drawers or bank box and get the pictures yourself? Because he decides you may not have them? WHy do you need to ASK your husband for your family cameras contents? Who is he to decide that he is in charge of what you do, see or know about?), and if he does it just right, you can just assume the role of the person he has that authority over simply because that is the role he gave you to assume. Have you gotten a copy of "Codependent No More" by Melody Beatie? I would suggest you pick it up if someone has not already suggested it.

I feel just terrible for where you are at right now, I'm so glad that you are seeking out answers for yourself and have therapy, this site, and a real desire to deal with what the situation really is, not just make it go away. Good for you.

February 21, 2006
8:25 pm
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readyforachange
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oh, honey....don't beat yourself up about this, and don't feel badly that you still have feelings about wanting the marriage to work.

I could tell you stories about things I put up with in my 17 year marriage that would curl your hair. My ex's favorite - beside the silent treatment - was to tell me I was crazy, that I dreamed it all, that he never said or did x, y or z, and that everyone I knew, including my family, hated me. These types of people will do anything to dehumanize you and to make you feel that you are nothing, and that everything is your fault.

Please read some books on codependency to help you understand, and keep coming here. Many of us have been in similar situations, and we're here to help you no matter what decision you make.

Hang in there....

February 21, 2006
9:39 pm
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exoticflower
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Ready, Dehumanize--that is such an accurate word for what happens in situations like this, it honestly gave me chills.

February 21, 2006
10:09 pm
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Shaney
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For one, my fault - you've been married for a considerable amount of time and it sounds like you have put your heart and soul into this marriage. It's hard to let go of the thought that all of that time and effort has come to this. It seems like such a waste, and a painful shame to just throw all of that away without a struggle... so we stay, and we try, and we end up taking more mental abuse than we thought was ever possible. Before you know it, 10 more years have gone by... and the just the mere thought of what it would take to start all over again, overwhelms us to the point of staying, once again. You may have loved this man for the last 16 years, and done all that you know how, to make your marriage work... but has he loved you with just as much effort and attention? You have to know that it's okay to feel that you deserve more out of life. You DO. It's also okay to look back on your life and feel that you've done the best that you could do given your situation, and that maybe it's time to make a change. Your life did not begin with this man, and it doesn't have to end with him. He's not your life-line - YOU are. It's okay to make a change. Sixteen years is a long time, but think of the number of years you still have left to live. Don't settle for complacency - begin working on the life that you have left and make the most of it. Fill it with people who love and respect you, and leave the ones who don't, behind. You can do it!

February 22, 2006
5:28 am
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gettingthere
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hi my fault i dont even want to say your nickname cause its not your fault,,what your husband is doing is nothing short of emotional abuse and calling you mental is classic symptoms of abuse,,,,you will get much support here please keep coming back take care GT

February 22, 2006
7:39 am
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Notsure
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Calling yourself "My fault" is falling into a trap created by him.

It isn't your fault.

I would not be surprised that there is nothing incriminating on the Vegas pics as he could be just playing with your head. He sounds like what I call a "head f##ker".

He wants a divorce but wishes to destabilize you so that you initiate and he can say it wasn't his idea.

You need to go to lawyer and serve him with papers and ask him to move out.

Regards. Notsure.

February 22, 2006
8:56 am
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my fault
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Thank you so much for all your support, last night was the FIRST night I slept thru the full night. I need to mention, he sleeps in another room, I say punishment or advice of lawyer, he finally saw one, she called me by mistake. I want to answer some questions that you had. My psychiatrist told me it is time to move out of the house for my sanity. He said there was nothing left to build on. I have been seeing him for over three years. My therapist told me I have a codependency problem and refered me to group therapy. She told me it would be better to divorce him since I have no trust in him. She believed he did nothing in Vegas, he did see her with me but then stopped after three sessions. She felt I put to much pressure on him and he could not deal with it. My group wants to know why I want to be subjected to his abuse. They say he is not good for me and I need to look to myself for the love he doesn't give. The pictures were put on his laptop (job provided). He made the mistake of placing two on pc at home, and then enlarging one to show her only. He also had a cd which she provided to him and this was kept at work. We got into a fight one day and he left mad and brought the cd to me but it would not work on our pc. He was yelling and angry so I destroyed it and then later asked the woman if they would show me their copy but it was on deaf ears.
Now something that is big... he is up once again to go on this seminar in July to the Venetian Vegas. I asked him to take me, I made a fool of myself begging. Today I told him I would only go as husband and wife and there would be no begging. This is going to be a big thing for me to deal with, it is going back in time to all the pain. Please give me some help on this. Your talking to me is so very helpful I feel I have found some wonderful friends who care. I do not have many friends.

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