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He wants 3 to 5 children and I want 1 or 2
May 6, 2005
2:09 am
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Rudie
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I think I need some advice.

I am with someone right now, who is quite nice. We have been discussing marriage in general, not necessarily our marriage - we're not quite there yet.

This discussion led us into the subject of children and we found that we had different ideas on the number of children that we wanted from a marriage.

He expects that the woman he marries will bring forth 3 to 5 children (which is all well and good for THAT woman) while I have made up my mind that, ain’t no way this body’s doing that!!

I have stated unequivocally that I only plan on having one child, two at most.

Now we are at a cross road in our relationship, as I will not budge, on this one. It is MY BODY, and I refuse to have it haggard that many times. I know that pregnancy is a beautiful and wonderful thing; I want children, just not 3 to 5!! Impossible!! That will not do!!

My question therefore is: How do I explain to this young man the concept, of it being my body and therefore not his choice, how many children I have?

I believe in a compromise, which is why I will go as far as having TWO! But I am being told that I am being quite selfish for thinking this way, (and here I was thinking I was being generous-silly me).

I look forward to your comments.

(Standing up for herself)

Rudie

May 6, 2005
7:16 am
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Worried_Dad
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Well, it sounds like you are incompatible. IT's a no brainer.

I personally dont see why anyone in their right mind would ever intentionally have any children at all.

May 6, 2005
7:20 am
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Hey Rudie!!

It's always a good idea to discuss what you expect from life - before you make decisions..

Hypothesising is a healthy way of seeing if two futures can somehow meld, which in a way is what a marriage ( or a family ) becomes.

What he is taking for granted though is the fact that you can plan all you like, but when it comes to having children, nature calls - and you don't always get what you wish for. It is so presumptuous of him to expect to have 3 to 5 children.

I think maybe he is just dreaming about some Waltons-like family, maybe because that's what he missed out on, or is used to?

You have every right to decide what is acceptable for you.

I have two children - one boy and one girl. They are everything I could ever have dreamed of and more...

Pregnancy does change your body, but it's like everything else in this world. For most good things there is usually a small scarifice to pay. It's whether or not you believe the small price to pay is worth it all in the end..

It sounds like you are at the early stage of this relationship, where you have the benefit of sounding out all your hopes and dreams, and deciding whether or not it will matter any way, if you don't end up together.

And if you do - then you will have already worked this out along the way..

: )

~love charlie~

May 6, 2005
7:22 am
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sp. sacrifice!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(what are the odds of that faux pas?!)

Worried-dad,

There is that too!!!!

~charlie~

May 6, 2005
9:03 am
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jastypes
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Worried Dad, I trust you were being facetious.

I wanted 4 until I had 2. Then I figured 2 was enough. But I had 4 anyway. I love them all. They have given me my greatest joys and my deepest sorrows.

jill

May 6, 2005
10:39 am
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Deena
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have one, and then see how you feel. Sometimes people want an army of kids until they actually have one and see how difficult it can be. I thought I wanted a huge family....I have 2-that's it. Absolutley nomore for me!

May 6, 2005
10:50 am
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gingerleigh
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Honestly? I'd run like the wind from this one. Suppose you were to have fertility problems. Suppose years go by and no baby at all. What then? If he's that adamant about having a brood of babies, I'd be concerned. Then again, that's just me, and I'm more the paranoid type.

May 6, 2005
11:04 am
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sdesigns
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Plus its not just the 9 months a pop you're talking about- its for life. Raising a kid takes a lot of energy, time and money. Is he going to be out earning money for this big brood while you stay home and tend to them?

May 6, 2005
11:18 am
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eve
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Would that mean that he wants a lot of own children or just that he loves to have a big family with lots of kids around?

I think that living in a neighbourhood with young families with children of like ages can replace having lots of own kids. I really love it when kids have more than just their parens and maybe one brother or sister. But a bunch of kids next door can be almost as good as real brothers and sisters.

If he wants to spread his own genes, then I'd make it very much dependent on how much help he'll be with the kids.

May 6, 2005
7:26 pm
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woundedspirit
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All my life I thought I wanted only one child. Then when we had the one, we realized we really didnt want her to grow up an only and be spoiled. So decided to have two. With two girls, we decided we should try one more for that boy. Then after the boy...GOD decided we should have yet another! lol...UGH!! FOUR!! One of each...an "Uh-oh" fresh into college...a "when it happens, it happens"...a "lets try" and an "OH MY GOD!!!" lol...I never could have imagined it. But now...couldnt give any of them up. AND...the really scary thing is...Id wouldnt even mind having one more with the man I love...

May 6, 2005
9:35 pm
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Rudie
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Oh Guys, thanks sooooo much,

I liked all the ideas, WORRIED-DAD, you may be right we may not be that compatible, we seem to be, we are very much alike and we want many of the same things, but this means that we are also very stubborn when we feel strongly about something.

CHARLIE you are correct, we are in the early stages of our relationship, and we are just tossing our ideas back and forth.

SD- Yes he does make enough money to handle 15 children actually, plus I am on my way to becoming an architect, so it is not an issue of what we will be able to afford. But Hell no this girl ain’t gonna stay home tending to no kids, what the hell I went to school for?!! (lol) I should say that he is a kind and generous person (well he is at present – who knows what will happen later) who I believe would be heavily involved in raising the children - I think he would make a good father.

JASTYPES &WOUNDED, it may turn out your way, who knows, I may just happen to want to have more than I intend at this juncture. I guess as DEENA says I should reserve my decision until I have had one. Yes EVE he does seem to want these children to be his. I mentioned adoption and he didn't even acknowledge that I said that he just went one telling me what he wanted, in all fairness though, we have finished our discussion.

In all honesty though, I’m with GINGER, from what he’s saying, it seems as if he one of those men who would love his children more than his wife – and Rudie ain’t havin’ that! And Ginger hon, you’re right, what if I am not fertile? I don’t need to feel as if I am less lovable because of something that I have no control over, and I don’t need to feel as if I AM more lovable, because my “stuff” works right. I’m me! Love me for me! And maybe if you love me just right, I’ll love you enough to give you what YOU want! So right now, I’m seeing myself, scanning the exits; but as I said we are yet to finish our discussion.

I have also be considering the option of fertility drugs. See I could have two in one sitting and then one or two in another. What do you guys think? My take is, this way he gets three or four and I only have to do it twice! Now am I not a loving girlfriend?

Thanks for your input guys, I really appreciate it, it has helped to bounce my ideas off you guys. This is such a great community.

((((snuggles))))

Grateful

Rudie

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