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He wanted to take a BREAK (balancesekr)
May 16, 2006
11:08 am
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balancesekr
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I have so much to say, but I will keep it brief.

My boyfriend just told me yesterday he wants to take a break. I felt it coming, I actually was thinking of ending it, but I didn't I was working things out.

See, he is 9 years younger and as much as we have discussed it, and wasn't sure if it was an issue, we stayed together. I took a break a few times from him, because I was getting over a previous relationship, but knew that my new guy was a good guy and I had things in common with him.

When I took the breaks from him, they didn't last very long. He would call me all the time and we would get back together.

Now he is graduating college this weekend with his Bachelor's. We met in school, I graduated last year. We havent' spent much time together lately, he is very busy with school and work. I am busy with work too.

I haven't been able to figure out if the relationship would work or not. I am older and was wondering where we were going with things, but I wasn't sure if I should end it or not.

Now that he is graduating, he needs to figure out his life, he says he hasn't been taking care of himself enough and needs time. We keep having the same kind of problems and it is most likely because we are in two different places. He basically can't go to the next level.

So I was up all night crying. I am so scared it is totally over. I am trying to think that this was necessary and if it is meant to be it will be.

I am upset that when I took a break he called all the time. This time, he said this won't be a 3 day break, because that doesn't seem to be helping us. He said he is doing this because he loves me.

I feel pretty crappy and upset. I have had my own struggles with knowing my feelings, wondering if I love him, and now he is gone.

I just feel dumped, when I wanted to take a break and things were tough for me, he said, I can be there for you, don't do this alone. But now, he is tossing me away to figure out his life.

I am trying not to blame myself and really look at the situation in reality. He says he isn't looking for someone else, he needs to figure things out.

support needed... thanks

May 16, 2006
11:21 am
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Randomwomen2
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((((HUGS))))) sorry sweetheart that must be difficult. It doesnt sound to me like he is gone for good though sweetheart. Just give it a little time hunny. You should really take good care of yourself durring this time maybe go out and do something nice for yourself.

May 16, 2006
11:30 am
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balancesekr
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Hi Randomwomen2,
Thank you for the HUG. I need it.

What makes you think he isn't gone for good. He will probably wanna be friends or something.

My insecurities and feelings of low self worth feel like he is gone for good.

I am just upset with the double standard. When I needed time he called me every day and I allowed it.
And now, I just fear it is over, he needs his time and the 3 day thing just isn't working for us.

Isn't it just that he isn't ready for the next level and dumped me?

May 16, 2006
11:42 am
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Randomwomen2
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Sweetheart I really dont know for sure that he is going to be gone for good or not but you said that you guys have taken breaks before couldnt this be just one of those breaks? It could be that he is afraid to go to the next level. If thats the case then he really does need time to think about it. He needs to make sure that no matter what desision he makes that its the right one. He loves you sweetheart. If he didnt he would have just wanted a break. Sometimes we all need time to think.

May 16, 2006
12:19 pm
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nopityparty
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Since my situation is reversed, I just graduated, I can sympathize with his need to rediscover himself outside of academics. As the older person in the couple, I would encourage him to develop himself and stay in the relationship. It's your responsibility to make him have friends, have fun, have random activites, and know that he can do so and be safe with you. Meaning, even if you don't see each other all the time the relationship won't fall apart. That's some hard balancing. I struggle with it because I crave time with my boyfriend. But a little well spent absence makes times together more stable. Feel your backbone. Make sure he feels your backbone. Make sure you tell him to develop himself. Maybe he feels he can't.

May 16, 2006
1:30 pm
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balancesekr
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I don't know if I should do that right now. This happened last night and I don't know if I should go running after him.

He isn't ready for the next level, he told me. I am early thirties, he is 9 years younger....

I don't know what to do. I feel so sad, my eyes still hurt from last night.

May 16, 2006
1:47 pm
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Randomwomen2
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well I guess the question at least to me is are you willing to wait untill he is ready if that time comes?

May 16, 2006
1:48 pm
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caraway
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balance,

Sorry to hear that you were/are upset. It does sound like on some level that you wanted this and know it is for the best?

Just wanted to let you know that I was thinking of you.

Cary

May 16, 2006
3:14 pm
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balancesekr
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hi random & cary,

I am gonna take this time and work on myself and focus on my life and what I want.

Will I wait? I don't know, that is what kills me... I guess the answer will come to me. When I think he is just done with me (victim) I feel upset.

When I don't think victim, I think maybe it is for the best for right now and that is what he was thinking too.

I thank you both so very much for chatting with me and supporting me, it means a great deal!

May 16, 2006
7:58 pm
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balancesekr
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I am starting to go wild with my thoughts, thinking he met someone else, or something.

Why does he need time to figure things out, he is graduating and will have time now?

I just feel rejected and like an unloved loser.

May 18, 2006
3:38 pm
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balancesekr
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So, after that last post, I called him to clear some things up. I left a voice mail, then got all scared it was totally over, I felt abandoned and starting blaming myself for everything.

Then he called me back and I asked some questions. I had a feeling he has felt like I haven't been there for him lately. He has been busy with school this past 5 months and our relationship has taken a back seat. We talked about how he had been feeling lately and he apologized for dropping a bomb on me the night before.

He said things just haven't been changing in the relationship. We have things to work on, and maybe we need to see if we want to work on them,etc...

He told me he loves me, but just doesn't feel the love from me.

And I admit, I have been held back. Why, maybe the age difference, maybe this time is needed.

I get scared it is over for good and I definitely feel heart broken and foolish. What did I think, he would be ready for the next level.

Maybe if I felt right, things would be better? I don't know. I just know that maybe I don't have to know what will happen... I just need to keep taking care of myself.

He is graduating this weekend, I feel so terrible that I won't even be there....

We left off that he will call me. I can't stand feeling like he is calling the shots. I am just living my life day to day right now, and being OK with feeling upset.

Part of me want to know, do I move on, or not. I guess I need to give it some time, but I don't want to feel like I am living in denial...

any thoughts...
thanks

May 19, 2006
9:16 am
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balancesekr
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I am feeling sad today. Feeling like he won't come back.

I feel left out, he is graduating and I won't be there. I am trying to look at the reality of things and not create and make things up to make myself feel bad.

I think about our age difference and I was unsure if things would work, I wanted them to. But I was scared. Now I am afraid the age difference is going to be the reason it ends.... which may not be true, things were not really working out....

and for that I tend to blame myself and wonder why I wasn't happy.... or how can I be happy with the next person.

Perhaps, I just need to believe in myself more and get really comfortable in my life and then when I am ready things will happen more easily and flow better in the next relationship and I won't have as many doubts.

Anybody have any experience with this? I am not posting just to myself, if someone would please respond it would be nice. Thanks.

May 19, 2006
10:01 am
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mamac
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balancesekr

I have been there done that. On his defense graduating college can be a scary thing, as you probably know. He has worked years to get there. He might just need to find out what he relly needs in life. On the other hand he could be jsut feeling like he is just beginning to be out on his own and scared of comitment. Remember what it was like at his age, he basically is just learning to be in the "real" world without parents or teachers telling him what to do. Maybe he just needs to feel free at the moment. It does not reflect on you or anything you have done. I know I Had the same thing happen to me when I was young. I was 19 and got engaged to an older man. I was terrified I would end up hurting him because I knew I was so young, and things might change between then and the rest of my life. I did break up with him. But we remain friends. It has been 12 years now, he has found somone wonderful and I am happy for him.
I know breaking up with somone you imagined your life with is so hard. It makes you feel so helpless and alone. But always keep in mind God has a greater plan for you, at least that is my beleif. He had one for my ex. Somone wonderful is waiting for you right around the corner, you just have to heal first, and one day you will.

May 19, 2006
11:24 am
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balancesekr
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Thanks for posting MamaC, I really need support right now.

Yes, I need to look at it more through his eyes a bit, and what he is going through.

It is so hard for me to think of him with someone new, it crushes me. Maybe cause I don't want to move on just yet, I still am figuring things out.

I am praying, and I am trying SO VERY HARD to stay postive, optimistic and believe no matter what, things will be OK. I can find someone as great as he is and I will love them, I will be able to let them in.

I am just feeling so sad and running the memories through my head. He has been so loving to me and I have held him at a distance. Maybe I am more upset with myself and my inability to let someone in? Or maybe it just isn't right, but I am twisting it into something more because he loved me so much and is a great guy.

He was the best guy I was ever with! It was the healthiest relationship I ever had, so I am making progress, but I hurt like hell right now.

May 19, 2006
11:42 am
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Quote..."You might try then, as I did, to find a sky so full of stars it will blind you again. Only no sky can blind you now. Even with all that iridescent magic up there, your eye will no longer trace constellations. You’ll care only about the darkness and you’ll watch it for hours, for days, maybe even for years, trying in vain to believe you’re some kind of indispensable universe-appointed sentinel, as if just by looking you could actually keep it all at bay. It will get so bad you’ll be afraid to look away, you’ll be afraid to sleep.”

~Mark Danielewski~

The translation here, is that you are holding yourself responsible for pushing this guy away, for keeping him 'at bay'...when I don't believe it was you, but circumstance that maybe did so...don't beat yourself up for this...no matter what you did or how things went along...you were both equally able to hurt the other, because, in love, that is the painful truth..and equally you will survive...

~c~X

May 19, 2006
2:02 pm
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balancesekr
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thanks for that charlie!

May 24, 2006
3:47 pm
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balancesekr
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So the break has been going on now for 9 days.

I am doing pretty good. He and I have talked. I went to his graduation to support him, he was really happy I was there.

I am trying to not think about how long this is gonna last, if it will be done for good, etc...

I think mostly positive thoughts actually about us.

But I feel such lonely pangs of pain sometimes. And I can't help but wonder how long?

I have been filling my schedule with things to do, friends to spend time with. I find that life feels really scary and empty sometimes.

I am doing my best. I just can't help but wonder when and if so...........

thanks for reading

May 24, 2006
7:23 pm
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balancesekr
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I am starting to feel angry.

I spoke to him the other night. We talked like friends. I wound up calling him back and asking what is going on with us. I told him this is hurting me. To keep things brief, basically he was feeling lately in our relationship like he couldn't be himself and he needs to know he can be. He doesn't know how much time he needs are what is gonna happen, but he likes that this is showing him how I feel about him, since I went to his graduation and sent him a supportive card.

I guess I am just having a tough ass time just hanging back and not knowing what is gonna happen. We left off on a good note on the phone, he feels I am being supportive of the break, by talking to him and whatever...

I don't know what to do! Do I talk to him whenever he calls..........

UGH, I just dont know. Then I get scared, I tell myself, see the age difference was a problem, he is leaving you now that he graduated.

You can get what you need, etc...

I am trying so hard right now, to go easy on myself, but not kid myself. I drove home from work today and just cried out my eyes.

If we are gonna work on stuff we have to work on it. But he is gone, we are on a break, that doesn't sound like working on stuff. It just feels like a slowed down version of breaking up.

Help please

May 24, 2006
7:27 pm
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balancesekr
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more on the anger,
I am angry with myself, I feel used or something. He is just gonna call whenever he wants now or something.

When he said he needed a break, he was mentioning things he needs to do for himself and that he doesn't just expect me to follow along with his schedule. That is nice and all, but I don't know I feel terrible and I am not sure what to believe or what thoughts to focus on.

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