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He told me he is not in love with me anymore! I am devestated. Felling lost
March 31, 2007
11:36 pm
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Anonymous
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I am so exhausted right now but thank you everyone or being here for me. Taj, Those post were hard to read but helpful. Thank You šŸ™‚

We went to the hospital and my dad is a little better. It was hard because he was telling my b he loved him and he was happy to see him. He said he hopes that he would marry me soon. That was really hard on me... I fed dad some ice chips and let him get some rest.

I think I truly wanted to believe I could fix this realtionship but reading the old post I see I am saying the same things.

April 1, 2007
7:54 am
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taj64
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Im so sorry your dad is sick. But why would your dad be so good to your BF when on the side he is treating you like crap? Your dad said to your BF that he hopes your BF will marry you? Whaaaaaaat? I really do not think you are being honest with anyone, including your own family. This is really sad situation. And why is your BF visiting your dad and making things appear to be OK when he is telling he isn't in love with you and wants out of this relationship. He has been saying this throughout the relationship and it is hard to fathom why a father would want his daughter to marry a guy like this, one who doesn't care for you as much as you care for him. In my opinion, your BF does this to look good in the eyes of others and you go along with it because you don't want to disappoint your BF and because you are too busy winning his love to straighten the truth. This is really sick to see all this. It is so dysfunctional. How can you live with a man knowing he doesn't love you? You are stronger than you realize and you need to stop pretending. I know your dad is sick but don't you think when he is feeling better, it will go back to the same, your bf running out on you and not listening to anything you say. You cannot read into false hope or false looks with this. You are pretending and showing this guy to your family as a wonderful guy to your family and ignore what he truly is and has been to you. This will not work for very long. It is only a matter of time when the crisis is done, he will return to the way he is. I really do not understand your false hope here. Start thinking about your own feelings and how they count. You are not being honest with your family or your BF. Let this go, get out, it truly is a matter of time before you are feeling devastated again because you are not dealing with reality.

April 1, 2007
10:39 am
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D dog
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April 1, 2007
10:58 am
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D dog
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Hi FL -

Just read thru this thread,and it really reminded me of my relationship with H, which ended in December when he finally moved out.

It is so similar that it's eerie, really - the past cheating, the insecurity, the drinking, his need for "space", etc. Especially the part about how you feel like it's "your fault", and that your self-esteem has been damaged.

Yes, yes, yes - I went thru exactly the same thing. I was in so much pain at the end of last year, I didn't really see how I would ever feel okay again.

What finally worked for me was realizing that HE was the one with issues, and that there was NOTHING I could do to change him. Three months later, and I'm happier than I've ever been.

Yesterday I heard thru the grapevine that he's with someone new (a single mom with 4 kids), so much for needing "space", huh? Apparently he was seeing her when we were still together. I feel bad for her, because this is what he always does, tries to appear responsible and then totally crashes. He doesn't change because he doesn't WANT to. But that's between him and God.

The most important thing to realize is that this is NOT your fault. I know - it's like, well, if he doesn't want to be with me, I must have failed, right? If he's not in love with me, I must not be worthy of love, correct? If he still wants to be "friends", I might still be able to change him...he's just confused right now...

Well NONE of this true. It's very very hard not to think this way, actually I sometimes still feel a twinge of unworthiness here and there. But you have to re-program your thinking...he is just not the right person for you. He is doing you a favor by breaking it off now, trust me.

Relationships do take work, but not that much work. You deserve someone who will value your devotion...this guy doesn't...keep reminding yourself that it's his choice, and that therefore makes HIM the unworthy one...

April 1, 2007
7:38 pm
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DDOG & Loverbee will write more later but he will be home soon.

Taj I took your advice and was honest with my dad. He is doing much better today.

I don't want the bf to ask what I am looking at because this is my space you not his. Love everyone, talk soon šŸ™‚

April 2, 2007
10:23 am
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Well I took Taj's advice and was honest with my dad. My dad does like my BF and they know we have has problems.
But on Sunday when I was at the hospital my mom asked me if my bf could move some wood from the house since my dad was sick. I told her I wasn't going to ask him to do anything because things weren't good. I started crying and my Dad asked if it wasn't going well. I said no and then he asked my mom and niece to leave the room. I told him what was going on and he said it sounds like he can't commit and if he truly wants me to leave I should. I told my dad that he said he wanted to continue to date and my dad said I should just end it. He said that I deserve so much more and I have so much to give. He said that my boyfriend is truly missing out on something special. I told him he will probably just find another girl and my dad said if he does that it makes it easy, because it means he didn't truly care about me.

He also said that when I got married at 18 he feels that he was the right man for me but we were to young.

On Saturday night I was reading men who can't love, has anyone read that? It was like they were describing my relationship, it was eerie but very comforting too.

April 2, 2007
10:41 am
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lettingo
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You are very blessed to have such a wise and caring dad.

April 2, 2007
11:16 am
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((((((FL)))))))

I hope that your father is feeling better. Take care of yourself!

April 2, 2007
11:17 am
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Feeling, I hope that your father is doing well today. My prayers goes out to you and your family.

I had to read this thread again. And as I read it, it is the same thing. If you really read it, it is the same thing and then for your father to be ill and trying to give advice to his little girl, are you not listening.
You are still not listening to the most important person in your life and this is coming from a man. Your father, but you are still putting this boyfriend first in your life and I just don't understand why.

I understand being hurt in a relationship but come on now, how long are you going to say the same thing. Like I said before, there are some codependent that just like drama and this is what this thread seem like to me. If you didn't like what the boyfriend is doing to you, then you would leave, but you want to continue to live in this world that is telling you that you can fix the whole situation and that you have the answers. Well my dear, you don't. And it just seem like that you love being in this type of situation and you want everyone to focus on you or maybe you want some attention.
Your attention will come when you finally start living your life and being happy and everyone can see it without you saying a word. But the more that you sit looking like there is no life in you, then you want everyone to ask what is going on and then you start talking about this boyfriend of yours.
Are you really reading this book and just sitting there saying to your self that this is me or are you reading and putting some of them into action.
Nappy!

April 2, 2007
1:13 pm
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taj64
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Hello Lost. Im glad you talked to your dad and was real about the situation. That is a good step because you need the support. Your bf though is not realistic. He wants you to date him so that he can see you and also see other women. You know this. But you are willing to settle for this because then at least you still be in his life. What other motive would there be to just date him? It will help you to not break up with him and it will help him to get all his needs met except commiting to you, the last thing he wants.

But my question here, what about you? What will happen to you if you break up or try dating? You should be asking yourself this. You are cutting yourself off from any future joy or happiness by thinking of how he will be or who he will be with. Just whose life is this anyway, yours or his?

Your dad is very wise man and knows exactly what is going on. It is too bad he did not know the truth the entire time. I think if he had, he might have had a talk with your BF but instead you chose to hide it.

this is vicious circle, one that will never end.

The only person that can really end this is your BF. And as long as you agree to please him, he will be around as long as you like but you will pay a very heavy price for his conditions. I hope you saw in the old threads that to an outside person, he appears to want you around to get his needs met, both physically as stated where else would he go to get some a$$ and mentally, you can feed his ego, but he doesn't give a crap about your emotional state or how much you suffer or are in pain this way. Of course he will find another girl, that it is a given. This guy wants to date many.

In reading everything there has been very little change in your BF but the saddest part is that there is really truly not much growth with you either. It does not seem to matter how low or how this crumbles, you are still seeking information only to find out about your bf how he ticks, and he works and what it is his mind. Your relationship has not grown from the beginning. It is sadly detoriated for a long time. It is one sided and really not about his lack of love but you putting too much in it. You cannot fix him or make him love you. Im glad you found comfort in reading but to me it looks like you are reading about him, trying to fix him, trying to gauge him, and utlimately fix this situation to be with him. But really it takes two in a relationship to fix it. Where is he fixing it? What is his role beside to settle for dating, that way he can get out of it by not having to deal with it. Dating is just that dating, dating one person, dating another, going on dates. You can never truly go from a live-in relationship to dating. It is highly unsuccessful. And with your record of jealousy, your jealousy will be heightened. By dating you are indeed setting yourself up for even further pain as this guy will not be available to you. Your pain will have no end. Until you let go.

I think for you again work on yourself. and yourself only. It has been repeated, so one day you might hear it, so you might want to take your dad's advice. Father does know best, at least when it comes to you. Take care.

You're going to do what you are going to do. Until HE stops it.
Good luck feeling lost, find your way someday.

I hope your dad feels better soon.

April 2, 2007
9:04 pm
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Thanks Taj, I will write more later

April 2, 2007
9:16 pm
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taj64
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This is truly a circle, no doubt about it, a circle that never ends.

April 2, 2007
9:23 pm
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taj64
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Why put off what you can do today? Makes good sense to me. Applies to many things in life. Take a hint, why put off what you can do today. Same goes for your love life, same goes to you need to put off other people. A habit is something that you hold onto because you are too used to it and can't let go no matter if it is good or bad. And some habits are hard to break. Like putting off people at your own convenience. Not telling the truth. Waiting for what? Like your dad suddently knows the truth. You hold off people, what is the point to I have more to say? Why bother? Because most of the time is the same old story and tomorrow it will be said as if it is new. THis is entirely absurd. Communication is key ingredient, no matter who is in your life, family friends, lovers, etc. Take a number, please. This is a circle, a circle that never ends.

April 3, 2007
8:57 am
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risingfromtheashes
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The ride never stops until you CHOOSE to get off.

I had the unlimited ride coupon...but had to give it up.

I have my life back. And I learned some good lessons.

But nothing changes if nothing changes.

And continuing to do the same thing, expecting different results is the definition of insanity.

I also agree with taj...you can't go from live in to dating. It's next to impossible. I tried it TWICE. And it doesn't work. Cuz if there were insecurity issues when he lived with you, they DOUBLE or TRIPLE when he's not. Cuz now he's not under your radar at all...and he can do as he pleases and that will drive your insecurity issue thru the roof.

Cut him loose, cut all ties and free yourself...then use all the energy you focus on him to focus on you.

You'll be much better off in the end.

April 3, 2007
10:25 am
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fl,

I think I may have missed something. Did you actually say somewhere that you wanted to continue to date your bf after you move out??? I didn't see it, but the responses you are getting are leading me to believe that you are considering dating him while he dates other women, without expecting a commitment from him?

I will say this, from where I sit and from what I've read, I think you are doing great. It was a BIG step to tell your Dad the TRUTH!!! Now, you must be held accountable to your family. That is huge!! You could have very easily made up some absurd story about why you moved out to them, while pretending to still be a "happy couple"... so that your family would still love him and you'd be able to continue the relationship without having to defend it to anyone. You were honest. You did not protect him or create a lie to preserve the possible future for the two of you.

You may not realize it, but that is a major step.

I know how hard it is... and you may feel like a bundle of nerves and emotions much of the time, but hang in there... you'll get through it.

((((((((feelinglost))))))))))

TC

April 3, 2007
10:30 am
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Thanks Tc šŸ™‚

I never said I wanted to date him but that he suggested it. I would not go back to dating while he dated other women.

It was really hard to tell my dad the truth. It was hard to hear what he had to say but it helped.

I wen to counseling yesterday and talked to her about where I was at.

I haven't fully accepted it but it is sinking in as much as it hurts.

Thank you for the encouragement!

April 4, 2007
3:24 pm
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My dad is doing better šŸ™‚

April 7, 2007
7:49 am
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taj64
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Hi Feeling Lost. How are you? You dropped off the site the past few days. Sometimes not saying anything says a lot. I hope you are doing well and your dad is better. Take care,
TAJ

April 7, 2007
1:32 pm
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HI Taj,

I am ok. Thanks for checking on me. With all of this stress my back is out. I have been laying on the couch for a few days. How are you?

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