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He told me he is not in love with me anymore! I am devestated. Felling lost
March 29, 2007
4:18 pm
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2shy
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Feelinglost,

I briefly told you about my ex. I really tried to make the relationship work. I just couldn't believe that this man who pursued me for so long no longer loved me. I went through many breakups with him. After each breakup I would hunt him down and try to get back together. We would get back together. We would live through the honeymoon stage. I would be really happy. Then the old issues would resurface- we would fight and break up again. After each breakup I felt the bond we shared got weaker and weaker. In the process I was giving so much more of myself.

Your bf has told you that he isn't in love with you and he is still wanting to maintain some sort of a relationship. That is not good. I don't want you to fall in the cycle that I was in. He will gain more power and you will lose yourself in the process. He will also lose respect for you.

I recommend that you read the book "The Journey From Abandonment to Recovery". This book was recommended from someone on this site and it helped me tremendously. Learn to let go. It is really difficult but you can do it. It has been 3 weeks since I last spoke to my ex. We broke up a gazillion times but I always ran back to him. This has been the longest I have gone without speaking to him. My friends are amazed at my strength this time. I do have my days where I feel so depressed and anxious but I feel determined to end it for good this time. Try to do the same.

We are all here to support you.

March 29, 2007
4:34 pm
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taj64
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yes I very much remember that thread. Actually I think you have to remember that selfish men DO get jealous. I remember my ex getting jeolous and I had never had anyone jealous over me. It was a bit of an ego boost for me at the time cuz I took it as a sign HE LOVED ME. I read into that. YOu need to understand that though you look at it as a sign of his love, it is really just an insecurity about him, that his possession is interested in something else and he was angry about it. I hate for you to think that it was a sign of him wanting to spend his life with you. That was so wrong of him to do that to you. And it was wrong of my ex to do that to me. He was never going to be with me, he never really wanted it. I was broken hearted all the time over that man. I suffered a lot. I read everything he did and thought completely different when actions really do speak louder than words. How did this man show he loves you?

drinking probably is not a good idea. I too wanted to drink and as a matter of fact i used to drink too much during the relationship. It was really painful to be in it. I think about all the rotten things S said to me during our relationship. At the time, they never seemed so bad. But i was lost, I was hooked and I was in love with a guy who like to have two women that made him feel good. In the end, he is with his wife now. Probably doing better and he probably did not have as rough as I did. I still to this day feel very sad about him but not to the point of going back or living the way I had lived like that. You cannot make a guy even if he cares about you, give you or be with you the way you want. You cannot. YOu have to drill this in. Acceptance is really the first step. Accept that it is over. He has told you this. He has been telling you for a very long time, only you don't hear. And you need to hear. It will be rough. And it won't be pretty. But you will get through it. As much as things have been repeated to you over and over, and you repeated the same, once you stick to this as being over, you can repeat over and over this fact and get on with it. There really is no point in having hope. You have not had a good relationship, you have not had the best relationship. But you will have one. And it will NOT be with him. Being with another guy, it will make you feel used. RIght now make this time to grieve over it. There is nothing you can do to take away the pain but feel it. It IS important to feel it. It will remind you that this is a loss and one that needs to be dealt with. You have quite a long road to take, but the result is going to be worth it. Make sure you get those dogs because they need to be in YOUR hands. As you can take care of them better than the ex.

Please don't give up.

If I can do it, and I did, you can too. Believe me, only reason I am so hard on you cuz I was there.

I don't want to see my ex ever again. I got to this point and it took me long.

March 29, 2007
4:41 pm
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Anonymous
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2shy,
Wow its hard to imagine that we put ourselves through the same things over and over. No matter what I am going to keep going to counseling. Actually I think I get more coming here and talking. I might just save my money.

Thank you for sharing with me, I know its painful.

I just don't get why he would want to still maintain a relationship. But I guess its like everyone said he wants his cake and wants to eat it too.

I will check that book out, I need something to occupy my mind.

I guess its like everyone said I need to let go and accept it, its just hard to let go when you have a death grip.

((((2SHY))))))))

March 29, 2007
4:59 pm
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taj64
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I read that book Abandonment etc. That is the greatest self help book out there. Please read that one Feeling Lost. It will really help you to deal with this. I carry it around with me, I have it now, just have not opened it lately.

OK so here is tidbit out of the book as opposed to drinking. It says to stay in the moment because it can help you to feel centered and at peace and it leads you to that state of calm that you need to get you through the most difficult moments, one at a time. I don't think we are supposed to quote or anything and I did not type it exactly as it said in the book but you get the idea and to me it is common sense but it is also that urge to grab alchohol as a way of numbing the pain That is why you drink through this whole relationship. It is too painful to face. But pain eventually subsides and only way to get rid of the pain is to get rid of the boyfriends. It is very sad and hard to hear but it is ONLY way. Wnating to maintain anything is only prolonging and holding on to the BF but also holds on to your pain as that is all you know now. It won't do you any good to be friends with him. And he is cake man up and down and being selfish not to let you go and heal. Someday realize that a very truly loving man would indeed let you go and willingly even though it hurts him too.

March 29, 2007
5:03 pm
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lettingo
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2shy - that is an EXCELLENT book. It helped me so much and I have already given it away.

feeling, you are in a "death grip" right now because it is so fresh. You probably can't see two feet in front of you. I know because I too have been there. I PROMISE with no contact you will get better and you will not always feel this way. There is so much happiness out there for you. You just can't see it right now. Whenever we leave a relationship especially those long term ones, it is like going through withdrawals. It is the same thing and if you are co-dependant, it is 100x worse because you might be dealing with all abandonement issues. Hang in there. The journey is tough BUT so rewarding.

March 29, 2007
5:24 pm
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2shy
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Feelinglost,

The reason that your bf wants to maintain a relationship is exactly because he wants his cake and eat it too. I just realized that my ex repeadedly took me back for the same reason.

It is a dead end relationship. I held on to my ex for dear life too. That is why I can relate to how your feeling. I learned the hard way. If you hang on he will just take advantage of you. He will continuously hurt you knowing that you will never leave him. Eventually, if you don't leave I am sure the day will come when he will leave you. Why not be the one to walk away. Keep your pride. Show him that you are a strong worthy woman. Don't keep repeating the cycle.

Please read that book. It will help you achieve your goal to let go.

March 29, 2007
5:25 pm
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taj64
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I lost a lot of weight during and after the relationship. I was sick too. You have a mixed bag of emotions. happy sad, very anxious, nervous, don't know what to do with yourself, cant think of anything but him - all that. It is terrible. No contact, though very hard and painful, and not understandable for a long time, does work. It might not very hard to think about it and first reaction is to settle for friends but you will find that painful. Because you will be jealous, etc. I have gone through this several times in most of my breakups with the last one being especially painful because I was so attached to him. It is because I have maintained no contact that I am now able to manage a decent life and not suffering. To not suffer would be a good goal now.

March 29, 2007
5:27 pm
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taj64
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I have to go now and let go and I will be thinking of you. YOu are not alone. And plenty of people out there that know exactly how you feel, here and around you. Trust in it.

March 30, 2007
2:02 am
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doubleloss
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(((((((((Feeling lost))))))))))

reading your post i know exactly how it feels. talk, talk, talk and cry all you need. it's a loss and the pain is so real. don't know what else to say right now. except that you're not alone.

March 30, 2007
8:43 am
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risingfromtheashes
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feelinglost....you said "I feel so insecure and jealous with him and I hate that. I don't always verbalize it but I always wonder who he is talking to or where he really is. It has eaten away at any self-esteem I have had left. "

I soooooooooooooo relate to that feeling.

When my ex cheated on me...and we tried to get back together...it was soooo hard. My gut said not to trust him, my heart said to not let go.

In the end, I worked sooooo hard to make sure he didn't cheat...I treated him so well. But the insecurity and jealousy just ate away at me. The lack of trust was a difficult hurdle to overcome. And then to have him walk away again and cheat again...it just was devestating.

You WANT to believe...sometimes the biggest problem is that we create our own "fantasy" and the biggest dissapointment is NOT THEM, but the fact that our fantasy cannot be real. Our dreams cannot come true. That we deceived OURSELVES.

I have to tell you that recovery IS POSSIBLE. In april of last year, I would not have thought it possible. It is april now and I am in a half way decent relationship.

I do think I jumped too fast into this one, started it in August. BUT, I'm in it, so trying to make it all work.

But I find that I brought my trust issues with me...and that baggage hurts my current relationship. And the only thing that saves it is that I have a loving partner who is very patient with me. But I have to do the work MYSELF and try to temper any bad thoughts that come my way and communicate with him in a healthy way.

It's alot of work...but I know in the end it will be worth it, even if we don't work out...I am getting healthier myself and that's my only goal.

There is hope...and there is life after these men take advantage of us.

Also - another thing someone mentioned.

My ex-ex never really "loved" me. BUT, he loved how much I loved him. If that makes any sense. He never had a girlfriend that treated him with respect, love and kindness. He loved that feeling. He loved knowing I would always be there for him. He loved how I treated him. How I spoiled/pampered him. He loved how much I took care of his needs. He loved how I was fairly low maintenance and had very little expectations of him.

He could take take take and only give back seldomly. I gave gave gave and didn't get a whole lot in return.

He kept me around cuz I made him feel good. But the pull to have his freedom made him MIA alot. And I couldn't count on him at all.

I suspect your BF likes how you make him feel...how you treat him....and doesn't want to lose that...but doesn't want to commit either.

It's a hard lesson to learn.

But there is hope...just remember that. All these "lessons" make us stronger, wiser and smarter for next time.

March 30, 2007
8:51 am
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I want to read over all of this and write some more.

March 30, 2007
9:19 am
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Anonymous
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I feel numb today

March 30, 2007
9:37 am
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Anonymous
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I just keep thinking about all of the things he said to me and it feels like a punch in the gut. I haven't cried yet today but I am about too. Nothing I do is good enough for him and it has eaten away at all of myself confidence. I know this can't be about him but I need to vent badly before I burst.

I always have gotten beaten down, if its not one thing I did wrong it is another. But then some how it is turned around on me and I end up apologizing! Don't get me wrong I am sure I have done a lot of things I should not have. But I truly feel worthless sitting here writing this.

March 30, 2007
9:46 am
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fl,

You have to stop beating yourself up. You are not worthless unless you BELIEVE you are worthless and I honestly don't think you truly think that. You know that you are a beautiful, worthwhile, generous, kind, loving person with a great sense of humor and open heart. That is the truth!! Just because this man cannot commit to you is NO REFLECTION on who you are!!! Do not call yourself names!!! Be kind to yourself!!!!

You need to put what you WANT into the universe... If you say you are worthless, you will BE worthless. If you say you are priceless, you will be that!!!

Tell us all of the wonderful qualities that you have... without mentioning your boyfriend at all.... He does not make you who you are, you do!

TC

March 30, 2007
10:18 am
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taj64
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Whenever you write about you, I always see the sweetest, kind person full of life. I see a person so giving and loving and you really are amazing. But as soon as you talk about your boyfriend, you are really down and you talk about how badly he treats you. And when he is in a bad mood, you are really depressed. I know you are really sad about all this break up and of course you want to cry. I think you should. I think your boyfriend has been very bad for you. So bad you dont know who you are. The break up though you are so sad is the best thing that has happened even if it feels like the worst. This past month, you seem like you were coming out of your shell. And that is because you knew the end was near. A part of you right now is fighting to stay sad because that is all you have known. But a part is hiding and is wanting to come out and you have to stop being fearful and let this part out. There is a piece to you that is so likable and lovable. If only you could let go of someone that is intent on destroying that part. There is absolutely nothing you can do to please this guy. No amount of giving or changing on your part is going to keep this man. Stop this mentality right now. Please stop selling yourself and presenting yourself to him. Everything about you is and has been in front of him. He is not buying, he is moving on. Did you read the post I sent to you from a year ago that you wrote? He is saying the same thing as he did now. Unfortunately you too are saying the same thing and I see two different paths you going towards him and him turning away. You are in front of him and he is NOT facing you and he will not turn. When he met you, he was just getting over someone else. Love from rebound rarely works out. You were there for him to pick up his pieces. He was not there for you from the beginning. He was not there during the relatonship. And he is not there for you now. Please give up this fight, please give up the dream that has only been a dream, lose the control and let this happen naturally which means letting go and crying. And work on yourself. Because there is person that so many other like and love and they deserve to see that person. And you deserve to be happy again. You won't know unless you start trying.

March 30, 2007
11:32 am
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nappy
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Feelinglost, I re-read and re-read your thread and I just come to an conclusion that this is just going around and around and around.
You should be sick by now going around so fast on that merry-go-round.

Come on! I think that you like being there. I can just see you on the horse just going around and around and looking out into the crowd because you want to jump off.
Why don't you stop the merry-go-round and jump off? What is holding you back?

There are some peoples in this world that like drama. Some of the drama that they create for themself can be very harmful to them but they don't see it but they know that it is not good for them. These type of peoples only hear what they want to hear and that is really, they don't hear at all. Beside them looking and seeking for help and truly want to SURRENDER the PAIN that they are in, they rather sit and feel sorry for themselves, looking for other peoples to feel sorry for them also.

You my dear need to stop feeling sorry for yourself. You really need to re-read what you have wrote over the past and really look at what you wrote and you will see that you are writing about the same things. The only thing that I see that you have written is about HIM.

Look at what others have written to you, re-read what the answers that you had requested to hear and see that they are writing in response to YOU.

The next time you write on this thread, you need to come back on here talking about YOU. Not talking about him, don't nobody want to hear about him anymore, this is strictly about you now.

This is not going to be the first nor the last time that you get hurt in life. This is life, this is reality. This here is showing you now the path way of your life. And that is if you can not handle the pain and try in your best way to get past it, you are not going to be able to handling anything that IS going to come into your life. That is why you are either going to choose the right side, or you are going to be stuck on the left. And while you are still being stuck on the left side, your boyfriend is going to be waving at you on the right side. (smiling)
Nappy!

March 30, 2007
12:02 pm
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Isis
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It's that little angel again (((NAPPY!)))

Feelinglost... you can do it, I know you can.

Let's hear and talk about you, honey.
Put one foot in front of the other and walk... in a forward motion.

(((FL)))

March 30, 2007
1:10 pm
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My Dad just got admitted to the emergency room. He almost went into a diabetic come. My mom iis hysterical so I will let everyone know what is going on soon

March 30, 2007
1:59 pm
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doubleloss
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f.l. sorry to hear about your dad. it never rains....
thinking of you and sending you lots of good thoughts. hang in there.

March 30, 2007
7:16 pm
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taj64
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Feeling lost I have cut and paste a thread you wrote from a year ago. It was good to have an actual piece of conversation between you and your BF to get an idea of what this relationship is like. He talks around you and ignores you and tells you he doesn't have time and it appears he does not want a relationship, nor does he want to talk about one, and the hard part of it, is that you talked about you feelings, etc and all he talked about was your friend, not even remotely discussing YOU. You appear to be talking to the guy of your dreams, not somebody that is actually there. It is very sad to see the dynamics because it is like reading two different conversations and neither listening. I wish I could comment more, but I think it does speak for itself. It is difficult time but I think you need to face the past so you can move to the present and future. Nappy is right, this is a merry-go-round. There is another one I remember but can't remember when that was and when I have time, will look for it.

I hope you decide to stop this and end the pain of it.

I hope your dad is better. I hope you feel better soon.Take care of yourself most of all.
******************************

Here is the latest drama( feeling lost....)

feelinglost
13-Mar-06

Friday- I was thinking about telling my bf that some things needed to change or I didn't want to be together. He asked what I wanted to talk about and I said us. He said oh I need to talk to you too. So he proceeded to break up with me over the phone when I was on my lunch break at work. We talked back and forth and we decided we would take a month not see each other and see how we feel. I was out Friday night and he showed up with a friend and a girl that likes his friend.
Saturday-Everyone was asking me if he was dating someone else. I told him what I heard and he freak out! He then sent me a text message saying he couldn't deal with drama and would rather start fresh with someone new. I was devastated but I didn't call him anymore on Saturday.

Sunday- I received a text saying his grandmother was really sick and he thought I would want to know. I LOVE his grandmother. I called him to ask if he was going to see her at the home and he said yes. I asked if it was alright if I met him there and he said sure. We get there he walks up to give me a kiss and a hug! We then went in to see grandmom and she said she hadn't eaten in a week or taken a bath in several day. Apparently she had fallen and cracked her ribs! she's 86! I know she hates the hates the food. So I offered to make her whatever she wanted and she decided chicken soup. Him and I left and I asked if he wanted to talk later and he said maybe. We talked a few times during the day and he said he would stop by. I talked to my good friend and apparently my BF was out the night before telling everybody I was an alcoholic and that he's been trying to break up with me forever!!!! Now how can you be nice the day after you say stuff like that? Long story short I let him come over later. He acted normal we ate dinner, and I initiated sex. We talked and he acts fine!

I AM SO CONFUSED!!!!!!!!!

Randomwomen2
13-Mar-06

Wow that would be very confusing hun. It sounds like even though he is talking bad about you he still loves you. It is a lot easier to talk bad about someone when there not their cause you dont have guilt unless they find out. I think he needs to get his act together and maybe abstain from sex until you find out what is realy going on with him.

feelinglost
13-Mar-06

Thanks! Any other thoughtS?

penny lane
13-Mar-06

It sounds like your bf is immature and undecided about who he is and what a relationship is about..Are you an alcoholic? Is there some truth behind his accusations?

feelinglost
13-Mar-06

No, we have gotten into fights when we both have been drinking. I don't let himn put me down and I stand up for myself. I just won't drink around him and then we dont fight.

penny lane
13-Mar-06

Oh...is drinking a part of your relationship? I know my past bf and I would pass the time on weekends either drinking or smoking...then we would wonder what happended...lost weekends...now as I look back..I realize and understand his problems and mine in that relationship..
No drinking...no fighting? There is more to this story than you are sharing...why does he deny your relationship?

kathygy
13-Mar-06

feelinglost,
it sounds like your bf is giving you mixed messages. Of course, its confusing but when you consider the fact that he is mixed up then it makes perfect sense. He's giving you mixed messages because he feels mixed.

About initiating sex. I used to do that when I felt a man pulling away from me in hopes that I could bring him back to me by having sex with him. This never works. Don't do it. Stay out of the bedroom with this man.

I suggest that you tell him not to contact you until he figures out what he wants. Resist the urge to call him and see him. All you will get is more hurt and confusion.

Why does your bf keep saying you are an alcoholic?

Give priority to loving yourself enough to stay away from this confused man. Love that wounded child in you who needs your love protection now more than ever.

love, kathy

feelinglost
14-Mar-06

When I am drunk around him there are times I have been a BIG jerk. I guess I get so angry because he won't talk to me. I don't ever act like that when I am with my friends.
Last night was the first night in about 6 months that we really talked and it was great.

I forgot to mention on Saturday our mutual friend bitched him out for being a jerk. She did that on her own not because I asked her too.

This our email from this morning tell me what you think..Honestly:

ME:It was nice to actually talk, talk last night like we used too! I missed that 🙂

Him:I was trying, it is just hard........I know (friend) puts other thoughts in your head, but she doesn't know the half of what is going on.I just don't know if I want to ever deal with the drunk FL. Sometimes you are fine with it, but others.......It always feels like I am skating on thin ice when I know you will be drinking around me. Sorry, I just don't know what I want to do & there are things that push me both directions.

Me:I know baby and I really appreciate that. I am starting to realize (friend) seems like she is trying to push us apart. I just need to be a big girl and make my own decisions. I also need to block at all of the BS and gossip. I won't drink around you because all it does is causes us to fight. I HATE fighting with you and nothing is worth all the pain fighting causes. Every relationship has growing pains and maybe this is one of ours. I want you to be happy too, this isn't all about me, this is about you and your happiness too. We just need to learn to talk to each other again. We are two different people with two sets of opinions and we aren't always going to agree. Relationships are about compromise, respecting each other even if we don't always agree and moving together in the same direction. No relationship is perfect but it my mind it all boils down to the love and happiness you bring to each others life. I have never stopped loving you and I have done a lot of growing. I know I have hurt you and I wish I could take back the hurt. But on the other hand if these things would have never happened then we would be exactly where we were a year ago. Lots of growing pains for us but there have been some really good things that have come out of it. Like everything else in life, its one day at a time.

Him: Well, =(friend) is one of those people where it always has to be her way........ I know, I know, I have said it before & she says it about me. But, that is her.You can either live with her or live without her. You know, it just makes me laugh that she contradicts herself. Her other friend is the perfect example of that. She proved one thing to me. She cannot go with out the gossip & the drama. If she could, she would have just ignored that text from her other friend. She thrives on that kind of thing. I know she hates me now, but she will get over it. She always does. And if she doesn't, oh well, no skin off my back. Whether she likes it or not, she is just like (other friend) in some ways. That is why they always make up. I feel it is in my best interest to just stay away from her. Right now, you are her only link to me. You have even said it yourself, it is (friends) way or the highway...... As for us, you do what you want. If you want to drink, you drink, if you want to party, you party. God deals the cards & he will fold when the time comes. We never know the future & I am just going to take one day at a time. I prefer to just have my own space and time and not have to get into a totally serious relationship right now. I have definitely learnt a lot about myself & people in general in the last two years. People are going to be who they want to be. Not what you want them to be. People change themselves! They just have others that might influence them a little.

Me:So, I assume by that you mean you still want to talk and hang out just not as often? This will be hard for me but if its what you need to do to be happy then I will be understanding. I want you to be happy and I want me to be happy. If some space allows us to figure things out either way then that is great. I don't want you to feel forced into being with me, I want you to make the decision that you want to be with me. I don't need you to make that decision now.One day at a time is fine with me. I think that we met each other for a reason and time will prove what that reason is...

Him:Yeah, I just have so much going on, & I can't devote as much time as you want. Plus, I am still real hesitant in settling down. Especially after the last little incident. Plus, who else will you use just for sex!!!! ;0P

Me:I think this is a good idea. We can both take time for ourselves. We can still talk and hang out with no expectations of we have to hang out this day or that day. Maybe we can actually become friends again! I know you need time and that is completely understandable.I don't know what it's like to be in your shoes because I have never been with someone for as long as you were with your ex. I try but I have no idea how hesitant you must feel. I appreciate you being honest with me and that is the foundation of any romantic relationship or friendship. There was a point where you were my best friend and I miss that a lot. I miss being able to tell each other anything.

kathygy
14-Mar-06

feeling,
"As for us, you do what you want... I prefer to just have my own space and time and not have to get into a totally serious relationship right now."

"I just have so much going on, & I can't devote as much time as you want. Plus, I am still real hesitant in settling down. Especially after the last little incident. Plus, who else will you use just for sex!!!! ;0P

These are the words things I would take away from the email exchange.

what does he mean by "Plus, who else will you use just for sex!!!! ;0P"?

When a man says "you do as you want" he's not showing much interest in you. You did a lot of talking about changing and he's saying 'don't bother'. He's not nearly as invested as you are in the relationship.

In fact, he doesn't want a relationship right now. But you do. Do you honestly feel that you could see him now and then and feel completely satisfied?

After all you said in your email its a contridiction for you to just go along with what he wants.

He said he can't devote as much time as you want. He is unavailable for much of anything. Think about it. Will you feel hurt when he doesn't call you for two weeks? Or he acts real nice to you and then you don't hear from him for a long period of time and you'll feel confused?

The mixed messages will continue. This doesn't sound like a healthy situation for you. He knows you want more than he does. You don't have to accommodate him. Why should you?

What do you want from this man in your heart of hearts? What do you want for yourself?

You could play along with his needs for space and no serious relationship and find that its going any where. He is giving you no guarentee that his feelings will change. But I suspect that's your hope, that in time he will come back to you. This could become very painful for you.

protect your heart first.

March 30, 2007
8:08 pm
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taj64
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I found the thread I was looking for. It was a thread you wrote to me in June of last year. It is hard to believe it has been almost a year! I will paste that later. That one post from me is tooo long. and save it for tomorrow. The thread I mentioned is very long so I will only cut some pieces in it. It is really strange but it is eerily similar to your recent thread. I will talk to you later Feeling Lost. Let us know how your dad is.

March 31, 2007
1:13 pm
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Anonymous
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Taj, Thanks for doing all of that. I c an't even think straight. The amount of stress I am eeling is overwhemling.

My dad's blood sugar went to 1536! The normal range is a 100. The couldn't even read his blood sugar on a normal test. It was really hard seeing someone who is so strong get hit realy hard and be so weak.

He just kept telling me he was peeing because of the cathater. Then he told me he loved me. My mom was crying saying how her dad and kids are her life and she doesn't know what she would do without him.

I told my girlfriend what happened and she said she thinks I am a lot stronger then I give my self credit for.

I went back in later to see my dad and the doctors said he had scar tissue from his prostate surgery. So he is going back for surgery this morning.

March 31, 2007
6:21 pm
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genuinerisk
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Feelinglost, I'm so sorry and I understand your pain. I was in an abusive relationship for 14 years. We separted several times while dating, married and divorced twice. He wanted everything his way. All take, no give. It was awful. I don't know which was worse, the emotional pain of adultery, or the physical abuse after confronting him. He was and is an alcoholic.

I remembered the phone calls from women, the emails, web sites, lies, and that it was all my fault b/c he would always tell me that I could only have a life "within reason." His reason(s). He even became engaged to his ex-wife while we were married. I found the Zales receipt and confronted him, he said that his ex-wife was getting married again and he bought the ring and she and her new husband would pay him back. I almost wanted to believe him. I mean, what kind of idiot would do that for an ex-spouse? They have 9 marriages between them.

I became a vengeful and angered person. I still am for the years I wasted. Please don't allow this to happen to you. Please walk away. NO, RUN AWAY & DON't LOOK BACK!

March 31, 2007
6:35 pm
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atalose
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feelinglost,

Know you and your dad are in my thoughts and prayers.

I agree with your friend, you are strong and you need to keep reminding yourself of that.

This may sound strange but my dad also had a serious health issue right around the time I was also broken hearted. I took some advice from a very wise woman who told me " put your thoughts and energy into your dad and his recovery. Find your strength in being there mind, heart and soul for your dad because the other guy is already gone".

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

March 31, 2007
7:51 pm
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loverbee
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Here are my thoughts on the whole living together thing. when I lived with my ex, things really worked. In fact, we loved living together. But there is a certain finesse it takes to make it a pleasant thing. In order to avoid the idea that we were inseperable, we still had seperate lives. I never made him tell me where he was going and he never made me. It was just a common courtesy thing if either of us were going to be out really late, we would just send a text to eachother that said so but it was never necessary to reveal the location. I had a yoga class I went to and margarita nights with my friends and he went to concerts and all that. The nights we did spend together were awesome, we would make dinner together and watch a movie or go out and every second was spent enjoying eachother because of the fact that we never suffocated eachother. I don't know your story but I am guessing since you are on this site you are probably codependent. That can make the cohabitation thing tricky. The first thing is that you have to make sure you get over the possessive jealous thing. It is so detrimental to the state of your relationship. I don't really know how I got over that, but after a few years of therapy, and lots to think about in terms of how I think about myself, some say I don't have a jealous bone in my body. That helps keep me from being controlling. Real quick funny story:

My friend T one day was with my ex (at the time we were still together) and my ex A sat down with T and asked him to pass him the hookah. T said to me "you let A get High?" and I said, "what do you mean let him, he is a grown man, he can do whatever he wants. I am not his mother." And he got this puzzled look on his face and said "Oh" with a smile on his face. Then he ended up breaking up with his girlfriend a week later and when I asked him why he said that he realized that she tried to control every move he made but he didn't know it until he saw how a girl was supposed to act with her bf. Now he is with a great girl and they have a wonderful relationship. So I don't know if all this helps, but maybe you should work on the codependent thing before you do the whole living together thing.

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