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He told me he is not in love with me anymore! I am devestated. Felling lost
March 29, 2007
10:57 am
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2shy
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(((feelinglost))))

I know exactly how you feel. I was with my ex for 4 years. He had pursued me for so long. I thought that he was "the one". I never expected that my relationship with him would end. What I learned from it is that if I felt insecure and jealous it was because he made me feel that way. He had cheated on his ex-wife, he was also staring at other women, he wasn't expressive with his feelings towards me either. I realized that I didn't want to spend the rest of my life fighting my insecurities, and bending over backwards trying to please him. It also really hurts to know that he hasn't even attempted to call me. Then again, do I want to be sucked back into an unhealthy relationship.

Experience the pain now...be thankful that this hasn't happened after marriage. I know how much it hurts. Be strong and know that you are a beautiful woman who deserves to be treated with love and respect.

March 29, 2007
11:01 am
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taj64
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I am sorry for your circle that now has ended. Maybe you can move on now. I hope you find strength inside of you to carry on. Im sorry for your pain and loss here. Good luck on your recovery as you deserve a happy life and it will happen if you let it. Take care
TAJ

March 29, 2007
11:08 am
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risingfromtheashes
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feelinglost.

mind you my mom took DECADES to reach the point that she could do this.

do, don't think she is THAT strong.

it was just that after 25 years of marriage, she decided to make the best out of a bad situation.

since it's still early in your relationship, there is no need to "make the best of it".

you deserve better....PERIOD...end of story.

you deserve someone who will show their love and affection, who will want to spend time with you, who won't need to be asked to come home to you....this guy ain't it.

and you have every right to be insecure if he cheated already....cuz when my ex cheated....it took a long time to rebuild the trust, only to have it shattered again. in a good majority of cases, once a cheater always a cheater....again, not always, but a good majority.

and if he did nothing to rebuild the trust or make it up to you...then he really doesn't deserve another chance.

don't give him the benefit of your love time or attention...if he wants you out, then move out...but move on as well....he doesn't deserve you if he is going to play with your heart like this.

and if he treats you this way as a girlfriend...how will he treat you as a friend?

don't let him have his cake and eat it too.

AND AND AND...since he says it's his mistake and he's willing to pay...MAKE HIM PAY....make sure that whatever accomodations you need - he pays for....and make sure they are nice ones....he owes it to you at least.

March 29, 2007
11:18 am
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soprano2
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(((((feeling lost)))))

I know how you feel and it really stinks when we think that everything is okay, and it is not. We automatically think that something is wrong with us.

I am slowly learning that this is not always the case.

I would not be in too much of a hurry to get back with this guy. It does sound like he does not want to commit, but he doesn't want to close the door to having any fun. (some back-handed compliment that is....yuck)

I would set your boundaries with this guy and stand strong in them. Otherwise he is going to learn that he can do this over and over again to you, which would be really bad. I am sure you don't want that.

You deserve better than this for sure.

March 29, 2007
11:31 am
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Anonymous
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TC, You made me laugh, Thanks. There is a lot of truth in what you said it doesn't matter what I did he would never be happy.

I am trying to think about what I have learned but right now I am too mad.

I know I am young, it just hurts that I wrapped all of my dreams up in our relationship. Maybe my next relationship I will remember to keep my own life too.

I am hoping things get better in the future I have had enough lessons for awhile. I just want peace and happiness.

At least talking to everyone has stopped my hysterical bawling.

Thanks for the hug šŸ™‚

(((((((((TC)))))))))))

March 29, 2007
11:32 am
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Anonymous
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atalose, Thanks for the hug.

(((((((ATALOSE)))))))))))

March 29, 2007
11:33 am
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Anonymous
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Taj, thanks for sticking by me when I need you the most. It means so mcuh to me.

March 29, 2007
11:43 am
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taj64
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I am there but not too many words other than you can do this. It is hard. Truly hard. But you are out of the dark and time to find the light again. I think though you feel really sad right now, some relief will happen too. You just ahve to get through this difficult time. You must also feel somewhat relieved to know what he is actually thinking that he has finally come out and said it even if it did not turn out the way you had hoped. You can always have hope you know, but hoping for something that really has never been very good is not the kind of hope that is reality. Please be hopeful from now on that your life will get better. Have faith in this. As painful as all this is, your pain will be lifted as this is yet your big storm with your life and the storm needs to get through the system and works through but always passes. And when it does, your sun will shine again. And the sun brings new flowers. I hope you get what i am saying, as corny as it is. Believe in it even you cannot at this moment. Truth does set you free, and free you are. Take care

March 29, 2007
11:45 am
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nappy
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When is it time to let go?

When you can look back over the YEARS and find out that you are going through the same things and haven't anything change. (especially with the same person)

When you are so into this other person that you don't even see yourself in the mirror but you see him, and the sad thing about this is you already know that he don't care about you because if he did, then HE would be thankful for having a lovely woman like yourself.

There is nothing wrong with YOU.

When you are searching for answers and the answers are look right dead at you and you are still not hearing what is being told to you.

When you are getting the answers that can help YOU OUT not him because this is not about him anymore but about you.

When you are so afraid of the fear of the unknown but knowing that you have the STRENGTH to push yourself anyway.

When you already know that what you are doing is not working and it is time to let go of this man that does not love you anymore.

How long are you going to be in misery? Why are you telling yourself that you can't be happy? or you don't deserve to be happy, Bulls***

I had some on here that were getting mad at me because I was speaking on my opinion here, but you know what I dont care anymore! but when are you going to say that enough is enough.

You are the only one who has that power.

You have alot of things going good for you right now, maybe more than some on this site but you don't want to take it. I would NOT let this man take my strength from me. You have some place to go, you have friends that are willing to help you but you don't want that help because if you did, you would let this man be and start working on you.

Look back over the years of your life with this man, there should not be any regrets. This should give you more strength then you EVER thought that you had. I would have every reason to get up every morning and it should wouldn't be looking forward to another miserable day or night with him but this is what you are choosing and I hate to tell you that.

You need to put more positive people in your life but you want do that because you are stuck trying to live in something that is a nighmare.
It is time to wake up!
Nappy

March 29, 2007
11:56 am
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2shy,

Thanks for talking, I am sorry you have experienced all of this pain also.

When he told me a month ago he wasn't happy because of my jealousy it was punch it the gut! He made it sound like everything was my fault and that made me feel so horrible and sad. When he asked me to move back in with, I truly felt in my heart that he had made changes. I was so excited and happy. It finally felt like all the pieces of my life we falling into place, I felt like I was where I was meant to be.

I feel so insecure and jealous with him and I hate that. I don't always verbalize it but I always wonder who he is talking to or where he really is. It has eaten away at any self-esteem I have had left.

If you ever need to talk just let me know.

March 29, 2007
12:04 pm
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(((Nappy))) i will write back in a little.

March 29, 2007
12:17 pm
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taj64
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It sounds like you were not able to be yourself around your BF. A lot of this is not your fault. I don't agree that you could not do anything as you are not trapped here. But now that you know that your BF really is not so good to you, that he may have asked you to move in with him BECAUSE he knew you would be really good to him, and that he would be allowed to have you, this great girlfriend but also he had selfish motives in that he knew he could take advantage of your really good nature. He really did not appreciate you. And it is not fair that you were not able to be yourself in this relationship, too scared all the time, too worried about what he would do to you but you have really good instinct. You knew the whole time, but you were scared. Somtimes it that really good peaceful happy feeling we get from a guy that ties us into the belief it will always be this way and it should be this way. BUt this guy is not capable of sustaining it to keep it this way. He did not support you, take care of you, help you with your emotional side that you really do need love and his taking of it so easily and so greedily at your own expense, left you in this devastating spot you are now. You need love and you will learn now that this is a must, because not only do you NEED it, but you deserve it. Everyone needs love. But be careful not to give it away so easily to someone who doesn't really understand love. This BF does not appreciate or know love. I know you don't like to feel jealous or insecure, it is terrible feeling. But the weight has been lifted. YOu don't need to feel jealous and you have a chance to reclaim your life here. It does not seem possible that this happened yet you know deep down that it has been coming for a very long time, and not just the past month. The past month you have been discovering a lot of things about yourself, called an opening, and this was coming and you have been preparing for it, you know it. YOu have know for a very long time.You just don't want it to happen and you just cannot fight it anymore. It took him coming clean about to move you and if that is the way it happened, then that was the decision. Your BF realizes that he can no longer expect to take advantage of you. You are free to explore yourself now. You are free to never be hurt from his again. YOu are free to learn to be comfortable with yourself and just maybe have a really good solid and secure relationship with a man who values and love you for just exactly who you are. The truth does set you free even if it is really painful to hear. You would not be able to take much more of this situation as it stood. SOmething had to give, someone had to give, and now it has happened. You said you have a dog right? Love that dog and you can count on a dog, he loves you just the way you are and is always excited to see you no matter what time or place. Take extra special care of you right now. You have a wounded heart and needs extra attention.

March 29, 2007
1:41 pm
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Anonymous
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I feel like my spirit has been broken and I have never felt like that. I actually started thinking about what it would be like to just end my suffering and it is so not like me to just want to give up like that. I would never do anything but I just had those thoughts.

March 29, 2007
2:02 pm
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nappy
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You read everyone else respond to you except mines.

Read it again and try to answers some of those question.

It is time to stop feeling sorry for yourself.

When do you expect to heal? you want while you are still sitting there feeling sorry for yourself.

Nappy

March 29, 2007
2:12 pm
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Anonymous
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NAPPY, LOL! I was trying to answer all of your questions. I keep answering and the rewritting it because I am trying to think about what you are saying .

March 29, 2007
2:19 pm
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Nappy, I know I need to let go but why does it have to hurt so bad? Why do we meet people like my bf? Do people out there actually have good relationships?

I guess I thought what I had was happiness but instead I have found self doubt, grief and pain.

Thank you for thinking I am a lovely person but I can't seem to convince myself of that. All I do anymore is WORRY WORRY WORRY. I mean really how pathetic is it that I have based all of my hopes and dreams on this relationship?

I guess you are right I do feel sorry for myself.

I didn't want to let go and I don't know why. I think I wanted to fix what I already had or thought I had I don't understand why he doesn't love. I want to b happy but this was the best relationship I ever had, I thought I had found some happiness.

I am scared of the unknown there was a pint where I wasn't but I feel like I need him to be ok.

March 29, 2007
2:19 pm
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Nappy, I know I need to let go but why does it have to hurt so bad? Why do we meet people like my bf? Do people out there actually have good relationships?

I guess I thought what I had was happiness but instead I have found self doubt, grief and pain.

Thank you for thinking I am a lovely person but I can't seem to convince myself of that. All I do anymore is WORRY WORRY WORRY. I mean really how pathetic is it that I have based all of my hopes and dreams on this relationship?

I guess you are right I do feel sorry for myself.

I didn't want to let go and I don't know why. I think I wanted to fix what I already had or thought I had I don't understand why he doesn't love. I want to b happy but this was the best relationship I ever had, I thought I had found some happiness.

I am scared of the unknown there was a pint where I wasn't but I feel like I need him to be ok.

March 29, 2007
2:40 pm
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sad sack
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Dear Feeling Lost,

I am so sorry that you are going through such a heart break. I, too,am going through a recent breakup and experiencing some of the same emotions that you write about. In my situation, my exbf, just quietly removed himself from my life - no explanation whatsoever! I never had any closure. (still don't)

I so understand your difficulty in letting go. I am going through that myself. I have yet to completely let go but I am getting there. For me, I did not want to let go because I thought that I found the most wonderful man in the world. I know it sounds so corny but I really did. He certainly was not perfect but he had so many outstanding qualities that I actually thought he was my dream come true.

I posted on this site, and it has helped tremendously. For the first month or so, I cried every day. I was just so sad. There were days I couldn't even get out of the bed. But reading the insightful comments really helped me.

Your situation is a bit different, in that your bf stills wants to maintain a relationship but on his terms only. That will make it more difficult for you to actually let go. For me, all I get is an occasional text message and that is also making it harder for me to completely let go. I have written several final letters to him, but I have yet to mail any. I do believe that I am closer to actually mailing the letter, thus officially acknowledging the end of the relationship.

Well anyway, I just wanted to tell you that you are not alone and to keep posting. It really helps to vent here and to read the comments made. I am continually amazed by the wise advice given here. Bye for now. Sad Sack

March 29, 2007
2:49 pm
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nappy
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You can let go. Just take your hands off of the situation and let god guide you.
It is so wonderful to live in peace. It is a wonderful change in life as we know it because it is up to us to learn to let go.
I don't know how many times do you want to hear that you can't fix this problems, you can't fix him. You need to let go and to just know that there is happiness out there.
Take the situation for what it is and go on with your life. Quiet that little voice in your head that say that you CAN'T.
I have been there sweetheart and you can get past the pain.
You don't want to have to sit one day and think that you wasted so much of your time and thought on this person. You will always love him but you should hate what he is doing to you.
You can't control why he doesn't love. If they had a pill for how to fix a person, don't you think we all would be standing in line trying to get that one little pill that will cure all but they haven't came up with anything like that.
I just wish that when you come back on this site, you will have a positive attitude about yourself and that you will finally let the world know that you have finally let go of him.

Just look back on how long you have spent time with this person. Look back on how long you have been trying to fix him. Is what you doing working?
NO

I have a friend that was married for 25 years. 25 years is a long time but he wasn't happy because of the kind of wife he had. He tr I'm surprise that he stuck it out this long, when he finally let go, he is so happy now. He has finally found him someone else and she is good for him. I didn't say she was good TO HIM, she is good FOR HIM. His light is shining so bright and the ex wife, well she is another story. Sad but true, she woke up to late to realize that she had someone special.
Nappy!

March 29, 2007
3:22 pm
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taj64
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Im not sure if reading this will help you but this was a post from you from a year ago. when you read this you might not realize this was the best relationship you ever had. I have another one. Will paste that one. I think you need to let go of the feeling that this will work out. I see with your very last post after wretched pouring out that even with all that you still ahve hope here. And that you said you hope he is ok. This guy he will be ok. He wants to be ok. He will be ok because he knows he needs to get out. I think you need to wake up to the fact that this is over. Why do you do this to yourself, why do you continue to see what is not there? I am hoping Jessica will help you. You seem to cling on to the idea that he will turn around when he has been running away the whole time. Please read this thread that you wrote. There is another one too but I have to dig for it. I think if you see how much you pour into the relationship and get nothing out of it, you might see and then again you might not but it is here for. In order to move on you need to accept a lot. YOu cannot release until you accept. Your boyfriend (ex) will be ok, but you too will be ok,,,,say it to yourself,,,,you will be ok.

feelinglost
10-Mar-06

feelinglost 10-Mar-06
Hi Everyone,

I am feeling extremely nervous. A lot of you know my story but here goes again..... My boyfriend and I have been together for a 1 1/2. We met when he was married and I was dating someone. We had the most amazing fun times together. But I have gotten healthier over the past year and a half. We have been having problems and I keep thinking he has changed. But I think its me who has changed, I am not willing to put up with the drama and turmoil I did before. My boyfriend can be moody, judgmental, and down right mean! I used to be that way too and I guess I have grown up some.

My best friend now used to be good friend with my bf's ex. She said I complain about the same things as me..

I started writing this an hour ago and never finished, I told my BF i wanted to talk and now he called me and said he needed space! He calls when I am at work and tells me over the phone........

Now I am crying at work....

feelinglost 10-Mar-06

He said he needs some space and he doesn't know if he loves me anymore. He has a great way of making me feel like crap about myself. He said I pissed him off because I had a drink when I was out with my friends. He said I am a pain in the ass!

feelinglost 10-Mar-06

anyone there?

feelinglost 10-Mar-06

I sent him this email recently...

DO I sound completely pathetic????

Honey, I know we have had some trying times lately. But I want you to know how important you are to me and how much I care about you. There are days I wish you would tell me you love me but I know you need time. I just want you to know that I am ok with taking things slowly. Believe me I am NOT ready for marriage or kids. I thought I was but the more I think about it I am not! The whole getting a puppy thing made me realize that! I just enjoy being with you, I don't want you to put pressure on yourself and I get the feeling you do. I also want you to remember I am not here to hurt you, I know I have done a lot of stupid things and I am sorry. Nothing in life is perfect... not me, not you, not anyone. Life is so short and I want to make the best of everyday together and see what happens in the future, we will either grow together or grow apart nothing in life is a guarantee. I don't know about you but that scares the shit out of me. But if there is one thing you have taught me is that you can't let fear stop you from feeling. The only thing we can do is grow and learn from our mistakes, and we cant judge the future solely on the past. I know we both have insecurities and issues but we can overcome them. I guess when a relationship starts the way ours did you are bound to have some rough times. But the good news is we got through all of that together, which says a lot about the strength of our relationship. There are times I think you are the most stubborn, hardheaded, pain in the ass and you make me crazy (kind of like someone else you know, LOL)!!!!!!!! But I also think you are the most kind, loving, caring, smart and amazing person I have ever been with. We challenge each other, there is no doubt about that but I think deep down we both know what we have is pretty special....

Mishy2sons
10-Mar-06

Feelinglost,
I think you know in your heart that you have grown and changed and he has not and maybe won't. It hurts so much. Change is never easy, always difficult. As much as it hurts to move on and away from him, that might be the best course of action for you.

I am a middle-aged woman, who can look at you and think, "Oh my! You are so young! Don't waste another day pining after this a**hole! There are so many smart, healthy, high functioning men out there who would be so much better for you." But I know it isn't as easy as all that. You love this guy (I almost said "jerk").

Letting go of love hurts. It hurts bad.

nappy
10-Mar-06

feelinglost, I understand your hurts and pain. But from a friend, You are the one that can stop the hurt and pain. Are you holding on so tight that your hands hurt? Open them up and let whatever pain and hurt that is in them, slide right down from your fingers. Since you have came this far with your change and you knowing what you want, then let go. The next time he calls and say that he need space, just say "OK", then hang up the phone. The more that you pour out your heart and he know that, he will always do you like that. But don't be afraid to let go. Work on yourself, learn to stop trying to fix everything, stop trying to fix him, stop trying to rescue him, stop trying to change the things, or places or even him. Stop wanting to know if he love you or not. You just know that you love you and god love you and that is the only things that matter. Stop crying, hold your head up and just know that god is with you and when everyone else leave you, he is right there with you. Stop and say a prayer so that he can hear you and hear your cry. I will be here for you and I hope that you have a bless day. See even having a bless day on a day that we never seen before.(smile)

feelinglost
10-Mar-06

Thank you! Hugs.......

March 29, 2007
3:30 pm
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I just want to curl up in a ball and cry......

March 29, 2007
3:34 pm
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I have another post but I don't think it so good to read that one. But it was pretty much harder to read than that one.

I think crying would be really good for you. It seem like a hard thing to say to someone but you do need to cry. You need to let it all out, let this pain go. I think you need to have someone with you now. I would call someone up and talk all of this out. You are way too sweet and loving of a person to give it all to a man who just cannot return it. I hate to see all that love you have wasted. Love yourself, pick up your pieces one by one. Do you have a good friend that can stay with you?

March 29, 2007
3:59 pm
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nappy
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Feeling, just wondering, how long has this really been going on?

How long have you been going through the same things over and over again with this person.

And then your answers will tell you how long you have been wasting your time.

Nappy!

March 29, 2007
4:12 pm
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Taj,
Its kind of disheartening to think I keep doing the same stupid thing over. But I TRULY TRULY believed he had changed. Do you remember me saying that I wondered if he wanted me back because he was jealous because I met someone else? When he was telling me last night that he rushed in to this and he didn't know if he did it because he was jealous! How could I have not seen that when he asked me to move in.

The puppies we got were from his Mom who is a breeder, he never spends time with them but they are his dogs. I am really attached to those little girls. I do have a fluffy white Persian with blue eyes. His name is Pud and he has been through it all with me. He doesn't like it when I cry, He runs away! I wish I could show you his picture he is so cute.

I could probably just cry myself to sleep. I am thankful that I can sleep when I am upset. I asked my one girlfriend if she wanted to hang out when she got off of work. So hopefully she will call me.

This is really bad but I feel like calling other guys that like me just to be distracted. I also feel like having some drinks.

I don't know what I would do without my friends here.

March 29, 2007
4:14 pm
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Nappy, its been years. Years of trying to make him love me. The only thing I ever wanted was from him was his love.

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