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He should have stayed gone! What do I do? (chinadoll)
May 17, 2010
10:46 am
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chinadoll
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Everything in my life has been going fine. I've been just going with the flow, taking it easy, keeping busy with work, school, and friends.

For those of you that don't know my story...well, without rewriting my novel, I'll say that I am in a long-distance relationship that is going pretty well. It is a new relationship, but we keep in touch almost every day, and we see each other about every other month. We are still getting to know each other, taking our time...I am pretty happy. No red flags frantically waving, I am keeping my eyes open and haven't come across any deal-breakers yet.

And those of you that know my story have come to know about my evil ex-husband who put me thru all kinds of hell. I don't consider very many people in this world to be evil, but he is definitely one.

Ok, so before I met my current boyfriend, I was sort of dating a guy, not totally seriously, as we only knew each other for about a month, maybe a tiny bit longer, but definitely no more than 2 months. I will admit, I got caught up in his sweetness and charm, at first. As it had been a really long time that I had any man treat me well. So, I was not pushing for a commitment, but he was trying to move things very fast. I told him that I would not take it to any kind of intimate level with him, sex was out of the question unless I knew that he would give me a genuine commitment that was real, and that things were going to move into a direction that included a future together.

Whenever I have said this to a guy, the ones that only want sex run off pretty fast, so usually I will know what his intentions are right away. Well, with this particular guy, I thought things were going well (never got to the point of having sex with him), but shortly after this conversation, he started to tell me that he did not have time to see me, and his son was not embracing the fact that we were dating (his son is 11, and I never met the son). He and his ex-wife have shared custody. But then, on the nights his ex was supposed to have the son, he would say he couldn't meet up cuz he had his son. Then it turned into "my son can't handle me dating you, I can't do this. I don't know what to do."

prior to that it was all, "I love you. I don't want anyone else to have you. you are the one I have been waiting for," etc.

I said fine. "Your son needs you more than me. I'm stepping out of this. Let me know what you decide to do." But I did specifically say if he decided he was dumping me, be respectful enough to tell me, and don't leave me hanging and wondering. Don't worry about hurting my feelings, I only want honesty. Well, he never did. He "poofed". Pulled a disappearing act. So, I went on with my life and figured he did the same.

Not long after all of this, I met my boyfriend. We became friends. After some months, we agreed to not date anyone else. Even tho' he is on the East Coast & I am on the West Coast right now, I have not dated or talked to anyone else. I trust that he is not either, as the way his work schedule is, and taking care of his son (he is a single Dad), it would be unlikely that he would have any time. Not that it is impossible, but so far, I give him the benefit of the doubt. He has a good heart like me, and we have both been cheated on and know what that feels like, and both don't want to go thru that again.

So, today, disappearing man sends me an email out of the blue, acting like he did not disappear more than 6 months ago. Like nothing happened. Like we are still together. There has not been any contact whatsoever in this whole time. I remember sending him a New Year's greeting a while after he disappeared, he responded with Thanks. That was it.

So, why now? Why did he have to show himself again? I don't know what to respond back. I feel like if I don't respond, he will think that everything is good, and we are still together. I've tried the ignoring and no response thing in the past and it never worked.

I did not declare any undying devotion to him, so my feelings will not be hurt if I never hear from him again. I don't like it that he poofed on me. That was rude. I felt that that was vey cowardly and childish. I would never consider going back to him. No way! My boyfriend is a much better guy for me. He's a keeper. This guy, he needs to go back under the rock he crawled out of.

I am just completely bothered by it. I don't want it to take over my thoughts today, as I have more than enough to do than to think about this. But I can't help it. I am a little frustrated and mad.

Any thoughts? Thanks! 🙂

May 17, 2010
11:07 am
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truthBtold
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chinadoll,

You asked: "Any thoughts?"

I have just one: Tell him that you have moved on and that the chapter with him in your life is now permanantely closed - then block his email address.

(Good for you, by the way for seeing this exactly for what it is.)

May 17, 2010
11:12 am
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curious64
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Personally, I would just kindly let him know that after months of no contact to decided to move on. No further explanation to this guy is necessary. He blew his chance by acting like a coward.

May 17, 2010
12:52 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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I agree totally - tell him since he has been out of contact for so long, you decided to move on....maybe that will clue him in that you can't do that to people.

then block him if you need to.

May 17, 2010
9:22 pm
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Lanigirl
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China,

Glad you're feeling frustrated and mad at that guy - stay that way! Yes, tell him you moved on and then block all contact.

Disappearing and then reappearing like nothing has happened - that touched a nerve for me. In my situation, this was done a dozen times over and was blatant disrespect, disregard, and showed me what a bad place I was in.

May 18, 2010
1:33 am
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sexychoclady
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I agree China keep it moving, I wouldn't say nothing, just block him. If U can. Did he just come out of a coma??? What da heck man!! When u poof with no answers on me,I am gonna act like u never existed. Like the ups guy. After he asked me out. I have not seen him since. I am bound to run into him again,I will just speak and keep going...No questions asked..but Good luck to U, all u have to do is talk it out from what i have seen in ur posts the answers are within urself...

May 18, 2010
11:46 am
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chinadoll
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Ok, so I sent a response back to him, saying that I moved on, and that I am now in a committed relationship. I wanted to mention this so that he would know that I am no longer available to ever date him.

I tried to block his email, but didn't know how to do it. There was a button that said "delete contact", but deleting it wouldn't block him, so after screwing with it for a few minutes, I gave up.

I really thought that this would have been enough for him to get the hint. NO!

I get another email from him this morning. He said things in his life have calmed down, and if I ever need a break or want to share "real passion", to let him know.

OMG! What part of "committed relationship" does he not understand? He knows how I feel about cheating. Funny, he told me that his ex-wife cheated on him, that's why they divorced. So why would he even make those comments? I would have never believed at the time that I knew him that he would ever talk like this! Just goes to show you...

Grrr!!! I am mad again! I am glad things went the way they did with him. I am happy with my boyfriend, and I would NEVER cheat on him! This is just ridiculous!

I am going to try to not let this get to me.

May 18, 2010
11:57 am
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risingfromtheashes
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as I read your last post...I "felt" your feelings, and it reminded me of a time when I had a similar situation.

The reality of it was, I WANTED that attention, that "link" to him, to know he still wanted me......

not saying it's true for you, but could you be feeling something, yet afraid to admit it? (I would have never admitted it if you asked me at the time).

anyway - you have two options - look up block sender in your emails help options...or FAQ or something - or just DELETE any email from him BEFORE reading it....I know I said I hated getting emails from my ex, but I could NOT bring myself to delete them...on some level, I HAD to know what he said, and I STAYED ENGAGED in the drama.....

again, these are my experiences...that's all.

if you truly want him out, there is a way, just look harder for it...and don't let this get to you.

May 18, 2010
1:16 pm
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chinadoll
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I understand what you are saying, rising.

I was curious at first to wonder what made him contact me again after all this time, but when I saw in the first email that he acted like nothing happened, that's when I got frustrated.

It's just that when he reappeared, all of the hurt feelings came back. That's what has gotten me so mad.

At the time he was leaving me hanging, he was stringing me, telling me he could not see me, but kept saying "I love you", and being really confusing. And then whenever I would ask if we could talk things out, or at least stay in touch while he worked thru things (cuz, after all, when you love someone like he said he loved me, don't you go thru the good & the bad together?), he would blame me, and say I was being too much, saying hurtful things to make me cry and have me feel like the change in the relationship was my fault. I don't cry easily, so that's what made it more hurtful.

It's just that I did not expect him to reply, especially a reply like that. If I had a relationship that had broken up, & I didn't talk to them for a long time, and sent an email or something to say "hi, how's life?" and the person told me that they were in a new relationship, I would have left it alone, and moved on. No need to reply. But that is just how I would have done it, as it's more respectful. I should have realized that I was dealing with him (who had been disrespectful by poofing), and then I would have not been so surprised that he replied.

And then to reply like that, like my relationship now is a joke? It's not that I care what he thinks, but to be disrespectful of the relationship, by him saying that if I want to "share passion with him that is real", oh, and he also says he still fantasizes about me all the time. Like, by saying that, he thinks it would make me want to go back to him? I don't think so.

I will try again to look for the blocker. Yes, I really want to nip this in the bud. He's not worth it.

May 18, 2010
2:20 pm
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StronginHim77
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I agree with Rising. There is a part of us that does NOT want to block them because we long to hear that they have finally "seen the light," realized our precious and irreplaceable we are and how stupid they were to mistreat/dump us. I've been there. Didn't want to block the jokers who had mistreated me, either. My magical thinking kept hoping they would see the light. Also, there was a wounded part of me which longed to hear words of remorse or repentance.

Needless to say, this IS magical thinking. He has already shown you his true colors. Block him or delete the emails. Otherwise, you are choosing to put yourself back into "push/pull" drama with a man who has already proven himself unreliable and mean-spirited. DUMP HIM in your heart and move on.

I am sensing (because of your "long distance relationship, plus this brief history) that you have a deep need to have a man at the center of your life...even a "long distance" man. Have you sought private therapy/counseling for this? Might be very helpful for you to explore this a bit. (It sure made a difference in my own life.)

Most of us recovering codies have a deep need to be needed and to have a man (however mentally and emotionally inappropriate) in our lives to validate our purpose on this planet. I am sensing this in your story and current LD status.

Hope this didn't offend you...

- Ma Strong

May 18, 2010
3:05 pm
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chinadoll
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No Ma,

You did not offend me. I did go back and try to look for the blocker on my email account help. I found out there is no way to block, but a filter can be set to have all of the messages from his email addresses go straight to the trash file to be deleted, so I did that. Best I could do.

It's not that I need a man in my life. I had gone on for quite a while as a single woman after my marriage broke up and I was doing fine with that. During that time, I went to therapy, enrolled in graduate school, and keeping myself busy with positive activities with family and friends.

My relationship is long-distance right now, because he and I are both in the military. He is stationed on the East Coast and I am stationed on the West Coast.

It's not easy to transfer to different duty stations,there is a long request process, they have to find a duty station for you, and see if there is a vacancy with your job specialty, etc. The other duty station has to accept you before they can start a transfer.

so he's obligated to where he is on the East Coast and I am obligated to the West Coast for right now. It would probably be easier for me to make a transfer, since I have been in the military a year longer than him, but I want to finish school first, since I am a little more than halfway thru with my program. If it weren't for that, I am sure we would be making plans right now to be closer. We've talked about it.

Otherwise, he pays for plane tickets for me to fly out to see him as often as possible, and we keep in touch on an almost daily basis, even if it is only for a few minutes at a time.

Other than that, school, work, and my friends, family and activities are the focus of my life. He's not the center of it, but he is a part of it. The military pretty much dictates what we have to put first, and we are both aware of that. He also has a child from his previous marriage, so I know I will never be first in his life, his son always will, since he is a single Dad. His son's Mom has been in and out, so he's raised him on his own since his son was a baby. I would never expect to be first. And that's the way it should be.

Military life is not the easiest for everyone, but since we are both in it, we have a good understanding, and we are making the best of it.

I do understand what you are saying. As I said, everything in my life was going really good until this guy popped up again. I don't ever expect him to apologize or admit he was wrong, as I know he won't. I wish he would have just never contacted me again.

May 18, 2010
3:28 pm
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chinadoll
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Oh, and the "delete contact" button was only to delete his email addresses from my address book.

I didn't mean that I did not want to delete the messages, which I did.

Now that I set up the filter, his messages will go in the trash and I don't have to see them.

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