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He scrapes his shoe and I feel like gum...need a little help to become "unstuck".
September 6, 2005
2:15 pm
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geminismiles
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I feel so frustrated right now and so "stuck". Why is it that the EX can just scrap his shoe and move on - unaffected and I'm left in and out of this horrible pain? I feel vunerable and weak, wearing my emotions on my sleeve for the whole world to see. He acts like he's let go, everything is fine, no pain - like getting over me was effortless..I ment nothing. HE lost control of his anger and HE abused me (this is my victum speaking)so why do I feel like it's all my fault, why is he wanting an apology from me? Why do I have to carry all of this guilt?
I went through with the divorce because I decided right away that I didn't deserve that kind of treatment, and of course like a natural Codep I immediately second guessed myself. I have gone through this roller coaster of emotions - the anger stage was the easiest, I felt the most motivated - started thinking about me for once. I have allowed myself my emotions whatever they are. The sad part is that he knew when I was in pain, with him I don't know if he hides it well or if I really did mean nothing to him. I just feel like if someone could just tell me, "he's a wreck without you, he misses you, he did love you, you ment the world to him and he is hurting" I would feel better knowing that I'm not the only one licking my wounds from this relationship. How sick is that? It's not that I would take pleasure in his pain, I just want to know that he hurts too and that I ment something - I was at one time - important to him and that his behavior caused him to lose a really special person and there will never be another me. How can I stop feeling like the worthless piece of gum that he just so easily scraped off his shoe??? Does anyone have any suggestion to help me feel a little less stuck today?

September 6, 2005
2:25 pm
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taj64
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Unfortunately part of the healing process in a loss is to feel pain. Right now, that is where you are. It is natural or normal to wonder what the other person goes through however if he did come out and say he misses you, loved you etc, then you would likely be putting yourself in a position in a vicious cycle all over again. You are not a worthless piece of gum, you are WORTHY person deserving of a healthy mind, healthy relationship. This healing process is about you, not about what he thinks or feels. You have a perfect right to be angry, you should be angry. You have to be able to forgive the other person for all his mistake and forgive yourself to let go of this anger. Your husband doesn't have to know this. He doesn't even have to know you forgive him. This is for your own personal growth. So go ahead be angry, punch a pillow, let it out and let it go. Acceptance of this loss and acceptance of yourself will speed up your recovery. Keep thinking that something better is out there. Give yourself time to heal and allow plenty of it. It will be hard yet it will pass. Take each day at a time if that is what it takes. You can do this.

September 6, 2005
2:39 pm
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geminismiles
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I can't wait to get to point when what HE feels or how HE acts just dosen't matter to me anymore. You are right. My recovery is about me. I just get frustrated with the flip - flopping of my stages of greif. I know I'm not worthless - I thought enough of myself to know that I didn't want to be treated that way, I never want to give him another oppertunity to do that to me ever again. I have to keep telling myself that it's okay not to be perfect, none of us are. I might have nagged him, critisized him and maybe even pushed his buttons but I still didn't deserve what he did. I can only take responsibility for my shortcoming and do my best to accept them and change them. Still, in knowing all of this, there is a little part of me that wants to know he's hurting too. Then again - if he is the type of person (i don't know of any so far) that can walk away without even so much as a tear then - well...I guess I should just be glad I got out when I did..

September 6, 2005
3:03 pm
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taj64
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It is funny to how you think that when you get to that point of not caring anymore, or not thinking of that person, their feelings or what happened to them, you think you will never get over and when you do, and you have that thought, you just might find, that you are not going to want that person at all, that they were not right for you. You will wonder why you ever even liked them in the first place. You'll see, have faith. Won't it be great to live your life without the hurt and pain he caused. Think that you don't have to deal with anymore, that you took yourself out of it, that you have the power to do this.

September 6, 2005
3:35 pm
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geminismiles
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I just wish there was a "roadmap to recovery" and it had things like "watch out for these emotional road blocks on your journey!!" The negative self talk, the worring about HIM. All of the things that make me feel stuck I guess...

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