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He Proposed!!! HELP - InnerBeauty
April 11, 2007
1:09 am
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InnerBeauty
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Okay some background.. I dated C for 5 years, then we had to do a distance thing for about 3 more, then I kind of got sick of the limbo thing so it was more casual for a few more after that. He is generally a nice guy, said some hurtful things along the way but never physically hurt me and is not routinely or, by character, verbally abusive.

About a month ago he said let's have another go at the long-distance thing, see each other every weekend, etc. I said I was tired and didn't want to be involved in something that didn't feel healthy, something that wasn't leading to marriage. I was tired of feeling used and taken for granted (family history plays in here).

I went on vacation for 10 days all by myself. I felt empowered and independent, even if a little lonely. Still... the time of my life! I kind of took my brain out of my skull for a while and just lived, without thinking about it. I highly recommend life with fewer rules for those who have always abided by an over-regimented way of life.

So I get back and shortly afterwards I went to see my parents for Easter. C leaves me a voicemail (I don't answer the phone when he calls... he has been very respectful of my space) and asks me to call him, he doesn't want to be a bother but it's important. I call him and there was just something in his voice "Please come over." He wasn't pleading exactly and it wasn't desperate-sounding... I think for myself I went in the hopes that we could wrap up loose ends.

So I went, showed him my pics from vacation and we chatted in a surprisingly normal way. He then asks me if I could come with him to his mother's for Easter dinner (my parents weren't having one). I said it wouldn't be a good idea. He said, wait there's more... brings out gorseous flowers. Says it's not just about Easter, it's about us. I said I'm done talking about us, unless you have some kind of last word you want to get in - because I'm done.

He says I do have something to say... comes closer to me... gets down on one knee. I want you to be my lifelong compantion, my wife. You're the only thing that matters and I admit my priorities have been all out of place until recently...

He said all the things I've been waiting for years to hear. The things I had been hurt by before (stupid things, like "I can't get married until I make six figures, what kind of husband would I be to you if I couldn't provide for you like that?" or "If I ended up with someone who wasn't a size 8 or smaller, I would probably be driven to drink." ~I am a size 14, 16~)... he said they were all excuses, barriers he threw up because he was scared. He got himself out of those previous hurtful statements without my provoking him (i.e. "well, what about X?").

It appears that my readiness to leave has scared him straight. But I am well aware that people don't change just like that. So I was and still am wary. I did not accept his proposal but I did not say no. How could I just shut the door totally on what would, best as I can see, be a good man offering me a good life? I knew he means well. Question is are the two of us healthy together?

I don't take "till death" lightly. Ooh, that sounded creepy. But I mean I wouldn't accept a ring I later would have to give back. And I of course wouldn't want to end up divorced. I don't think anyone goes into marraige *wanting* that. Hope nobody is offended by me saying that 🙁

But I am at a crossroads. I basically have said if you love and respect me, you will wait as long as it takes for me to figure it out. After all, it took years for him to make his damn mind up! When I talked with my brother (I am close to him, and my SIL), and some of my girlfriends, all of them weere happy for me but kind of said maybe you should get to know the "new C" and in a sense, start over altogether. Let him court you. No sex, just dating... romance.. see if this is more than just a phase. I tend to agree.

But I also felt compelled to share it here. I need to know, KNOW that this isn't some crazy-ass codependent need of mine. Like I'm just attached to the idea of being married or something. Quiz me! Do whatever you need to help me screen codependent impulses out!

I feel deep love and a deep cpnnection to this man. I also know I could walk away if I had to. But I don't want to. I don't think I could stay friends. It could be a beautiful future... I want to believe. But my heart.. I have a hard time trusting. C has always been considerate of that, when I hesitate or throw up walls. But he has sometimes brought about reason for me to build up walls too. I am sensitive and will more likely build up a wall than let someone in....

Jeez I'm sure this will look disorganized when I submit. Thank you for those who read through to the end. I could obviously use some advice. Please just help me consider it from this angle. Hit me with everything you've got....

April 11, 2007
1:26 am
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It doesn't look disorganized to me, InnerBeauty. You've described things very clearly. I can understand your hesitancy in accepting. You say you feel deep love and connection with him, yet some of the things he's said are pretty egregious.

If you were to write yourself a letter with your non-dominant hand, what advice do you think you'd give yourself? (Try it and see. I've heard that technique works well to liberate our unconscious thoughts, or messages from our inner child. I must try it for myself, too!)

wishing you the very best,
kroika

April 11, 2007
3:58 am
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doubleloss
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Hi InnerB.
Your post makes total sense and really i think it's commendable that you are really thinking getting marrried to this guy.

Why do you want to get married?
HOw do you think married life is like?
What are you expecting to get out of the marriage?
What are the pros/cons of getting married? staying single?
What if you are never a size 8, will you be hearing about it?
What if you become size 24?
how would the money be handled?
do you want to have children?
what religion (if you have one) will be practiced at home?

just some questions for you to think about. The first one is the most importatnt, i think many people marry for the wrong reasons (not wanting to be alone, it's "time" either because they've been dating for a while/because family pressures/getting older/financial comfort), and i know a lot of people have a very skewed expectation of marriage.

I believe that each person entering the marriage must be happy w/themselves, independent, secure, healthy in the mind, soul and heart; financially stable. If any of those are missing then it isn't going to work.

And lastly: LISTEN TO YOUR GUT! seems to me that your gut is waving big flags and sending you alarm bells and you're being wise enought to stop and look at the whole picture. If it doesnt't feel 1000% right and you can't wait to live w/the guy as a married couple, forget it. I tell you, LOVE is essential, but it's not enought to keep a marriage together let alone making it a happy one.

You seem like a very observant, down to earth person and your decision to wait to give a definite answer is wise. Trust your gut, listne to yourself and don't be afraid....either way....go for it wholeheartedely .

gosh, my typing is getting worse by th eminute. i should go to sleep.

all the best. double

April 11, 2007
3:08 pm
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nappy
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They want to marry you when they know that you are pulling away. My ex gave me at least three rings and I don't have a one because those rings was given to me when he knew that I no longer was going to take his sh**.
I remember one time when he had to fly on a plane out of town, I knew that he was scared of flying and sure enough before he got out of the car, he proposed. I just smiled and took the ring and when he got back I gave it to him and told him that he lived.(smile)
I glad that I didn't get married to that man. Time will tell and see we are not together. (smile)
Nappy!

April 11, 2007
4:56 pm
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InnerBeauty
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Wow... all I can say at the moment is thank you! I value everything you have said. (((hugs to all)))

I feel like no matter what happens, I'm in a good place and I CAN support myself - financially, emotionally (with a little help from my friends 🙂 ), physically, and in my personal spirituality. Gotta say it's taken a long time to get there and I still have a lot of work to do on myself yet. But it's kind of empowering, where I am right now.

Still contemplating... not rationalizing... just trying to spend time being still so I can listen to my soul...

Thanks again. Any more ideas or thoughts would be welcome!!!

April 18, 2007
11:24 pm
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InnerBeauty
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I'm kind of in a spot these days where I'm thinking (never mind how I'm feeling... the love is no doubt there) that there are no rewards in life without some risk. Can't let fear hold me back or I will remain in my safe little shell always and that may be okay but is it healthy and fulfilling in the ultimate sense?

So I'm thinking about baby steps. Nothing conditional or controlling. But what can I do that helps me take small, comfortable risks? Because clearly it's outside my boundaries to take the BIG risk of accepting the proposal. Perhaps we can begin to integrate our lives again as healthier and more mature people - it would almost be like getting to know each other all over again, which sounds kind of nice to me. And time will tell, I guess....

Oh please, you guys. I could really use your feedback. Does this all sound sensible or am I already getting myself in a pipe dream? (I don't think I am. But I like to check. Because, well, my emotional safety depends on it!)

Thanks.... 🙂 IB

April 21, 2007
9:50 am
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Robert123
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He proposed? I thought that would be a good thing 🙂

April 21, 2007
1:45 pm
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Anonymous
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I understand how you feel, IB, I think. It´s a big step and not one to take lightly. Since you´re not ready to go ahead with marriage plans (right?), it seems very emotionally sound of you to take your time. It´s supposed to be a period of preparation, and I would say confirmation of your feelings. I read on the net(relationshipinstitute?) that love has 5 (?) stages. I´ll try posting it, its very good. It is difficult to consider the pros and cons of later stages when you´re just living one stage at a time. I think you should be able to fully enjoy this honeymoon stage and postpone the next which will depend on how this one goes. All the best,

April 21, 2007
3:37 pm
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fantas
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Hi Innerbeauty, yes you are right, one step at a time. So I am taking this time to have an engagement party on your behalf, Congratulations!!!! whatever your fears maybe celebrate that you have made a connection with someone strong enough for him to consider you a life partner. This is major!!!

May I ask why you are so unsure of things? I have commitment issues the size of Texas but I am working on it. Most of the time I talk myself out of something before I have even had the chance to really look at it. Have you discussed your fears with your fiance? Maybe he can assure you of whatever it is you are nervous about.
I am posting this article on spiritua relationships here for you Sinho also posted another article on relationship...might be a good place to start.
All the best. Enjoy the ride!

Guest article by Jodie Foster
In relationships, we have the opportunities to develop a deeper sense of ourselves through the mirror of our partner. If you have a generous, loving partnership, then you are possibly learning lessons related to creating a generous and loving relationship with your inner self as well. If you are in an abusive relationship, are you seeing the mirror of your relationship with your self?

We have the tendancy to repeat certain patterns in our relationships. It seems we take the best and the worst within ourselves and project it into the container that is our relationship. We use the relationship as a testing ground.

However, when we go through changes or life transitions, it may put additional stress on the partnership by having little time for each other, being agitated and upset, etc. One person in the relationship isn't experiencing change, they both are. If one person in the mirror changes, then the other will reflect that change. These may be positive changes or can be a stirring up of old issues that haven't yet been healed or released.

In a partnership, we partner through change as well as through stability. Life is constantly changing around us and our ability to remain flexible and grow together make for a stronger spiritual relationship.

Choosing to look in the mirror of our partner, you see aspects of yourself that may be ready for transformation or release. Is there something that irritates you about your spouse? Is there a common argument that you have? Do you share similar views on many things, but have a particular stuck point on one subject?

Instead of leaping first to blame or lash out at your partner, look into the mirror and see what is there for you to see. Is there something attempting to get your attention? Are you faced with this same theme over and over again? Is there a deeper issue regarding change that you're avoiding or overlooking?

Change itself can be a scary experience for some. In partnerships, change can feel threatening to the solid foundation or nest that you have built together. When one partner is undergoing deep internal changes, the other may feel left out, neglected, no longer connected and unappreciated. If that partner refuses to reflect upon the mirror that he/she is presented with, and chooses not to undergo changes as well, the mirror becomes out of balance. There is no longer a reflection of each other. One person has changed more than the other is willing to change. This is when struggle appears in the relationship.

In a spiritual relationship, partners consciously work through these changes, each partner facing their inner feelings, looking in the mirror to see that which is ready for transformation. A spiritual relationship as such requires tremendous courage for both partners, trusting that the other will continue to transform and flow with the changes along with you. Any relationship requires courage and trust. Communication is a necessary aspect of partnership and courage is most valuable. Stepping up to the plate and facing yourself in the mirror everyday can be exciting, thrilling and challenging. Allowing it to be something you face together every day is powerful and is the cornerstone of a spiritual partnership.

April 28, 2007
2:11 pm
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fantas
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Hi Innerbeauty, how are you doing with the proposal now?

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