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He loves me..he loves me not!!
February 10, 2009
1:59 pm
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sweet bear
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I get double messages from my partner concerning love..there are times when he is very affectionate,loving and so forth.We know we have a long future together. Why do I feel it is not true. He does get upset when I ask him about a woman he has chatted with on facebook. He gave her his work number not our home number. I see this as deceitful.It is ok by me if he has connected with old friends before I came along..it has been difficult trusting in what he says. I need your thoughts on this situation..

February 10, 2009
2:58 pm
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CAMER
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how long have you been together?? and has he ever cheated on you in the past or had trust issues in the past?

February 10, 2009
3:07 pm
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love is conditional
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I hate to tell you this but I have been through it and if he is not cheating now he is planning on it. Guys that dont cheat will not give out the work number. You need to give yourself the satisfaction and check out his cell phone bill and if possible. If you feel it as much as you dont want to believe it unfortunately you go with your feelings and investigate it. Please dont waste your time like I did. There are plenty of guys out there who dont cheat

February 10, 2009
3:58 pm
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caraway
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love is conditional,

Wow! Now I understand your screen name. You got all of that from Sweet Bear's post? Talk about your unresolved anger.

Sweet Bear,

Have you asked him why he is doing this and how he would feel if you did the same? Maybe you just have different standards.

Cary

February 10, 2009
4:38 pm
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love is conditional
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caraway, I'm not trying to be mean and the reason I hate to see someone believing in a man that does shady things is because I dont want to see anyone get hurt the way I did. I believe my issue is unresolved hurt from being co-dependent. I apologize if I upset anyone.

February 10, 2009
7:59 pm
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_anonymous
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sweetbear- Doesnt sound like you can trust what this man says only what he does.

You do not have to accept something as unacceptable as surfing facebook and handing out his number.

What he is doing is wrong and he knows it. But, the message you give him by continuing to stay involved with him is that what he is doing is OK.

February 10, 2009
10:32 pm
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atalose
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I guess I would have to ask what else has gone on besides this facebook issue that makes it difficult to trust what he says?

You say there are times when he is very affectionate, loving and so forth, so then…..what about the rest of the time?

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

February 11, 2009
9:09 am
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sweet bear
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Thanks!!Filtered the responses out...to atalose the rest of the time he is quiet..comes home relaxes..spend quality time with the kids. Destiny Star thanks!!It is not acceptable for me and my well being for his behavior..I actually rationalized his behaviour..maybe he is planning to have that affair but I don't see any changes..always home on time and so forth..My issue he did have an affair couple of years ago..I ..?? Now I have talk too him about my feeling about boundaries. Thank you for the responses..

February 11, 2009
10:26 am
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caraway
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love is conditional,

No need to apologize. I would hate to see you miss out on someone great in life because of past hurt's. We all make mistakes, and sometimes we even learn from them. I guess I am just hoping that you will forgive and learn to trust again.

Sweet bear,

Sounds like you are afraid to set boundaries, that he might leave?

Cary

February 11, 2009
10:35 am
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atalose
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Sweet bear,

In light of the past affair I might suggest you talk with him about YOUR feelings and how his behavior with talking to this other woman at work stirs up those old feelings.

He may just be seeing you as controlling, jealous and irrational but if you open up and share your feelings with him it may bring you both to a new level.

It may even be possible that he only talks to her while he is at work because he is keeping it a friend only and talking from work can be very impersonal. I also am not making excuses for him but often us codies allow our emotions to run wild and based on the past with him, of course going to that untrusting level is where you are finding yourself.

I’d talk with him and really open up about why this hurts you.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

February 11, 2009
11:30 am
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Chance to change
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Wow can I relate to this. I know how you feel. Sometimes I feel that men have lots of different standards than we do. It's ok if they do whatever and chat to whoever but oh boy let us do it and they are all mad and accusing. Makes you wonder what they think. I don't think or feel that it is ok, I feel that it is another form of cheating, like my husband is doing to me. Says she is just a good friend even though they always seem to end up together when I am not around. Good luck, I wish you the best, just know there are others out there that are with you cuz we're going through the same thing.

February 11, 2009
6:54 pm
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_anonymous
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sweetbear- Yes, I think your idea about talking to him about boundaries is an excellent one well call it plan A.

If he doesnt respect these boundaries what do you plan on doing to show him that what he is doing is not OK well call it your plan B.

My experience with this type of thing is if you want to know a mans future behavior look at his past behavior.

Also, if you let them know that you know what they are up to they will just make sure they hide it from you better.

Your observation as far as you noting that he is doing things to show you that he plans on having an affair is absolutely brilliant on your part. Very perceptive.

Right now on the homefront he is going to make you think nothing out of the unusual is going on.
Must be a terrible feeling wondering what he will do next.

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