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He lied...AGAIN
May 24, 2004
4:29 pm
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frogswife
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September 29, 2010
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Not sure where to start. My husband and I have been married for 4 years in Sept 2004, together 2 years prior. We met on-line thru the ICM ICQ. Talked via phone a month later, met a month after that, he moved in w/ me from 600 miles away 7 mos after that leaving job, dad, son and friends.

He has lied to me from the beginning of the relationship. He has not come forward on his own on any lie, only admitting he lied after I confront him with the truth.

We did couple counseling prior to the wedding and since. He's tried solo counseling twice.

We have no children, nor will we ever. He had to file bankruptcy before moving up, therefore, everything is in my name: home, 2 cars and their loans, and 4 credit cards carrying $16k of debt. I manage everything: finances, home, etc. He had his own checking acct until recently when I demanded he close it as in the 2 yrs he had it his NSF charges totalled probably close to several thousands. He has 1 credit card w/ $500 limit. I've paid it off twice (actually transferred it to mine) and he's charged it up twice. He turned the card over to me once then requested and received a replacement. When he closed his checking acct he handed over his credit card.

He has had female friends he met through his job to whom he'd send flowers and dinner from a local restaurant (friends are in another state). He has even sent $100 via Western Union to one "friend". He sent roses to a neighbor, female single mom, because her favorite uncle died...the card was only signed from him.

His latest lie involves the same neighbor who moved almost a year ago. She called. He said to ask if she could use us as a reference for renting a house. Turns out it was to ask if he'd rent a room at our community recreation center so she could have a baby shower for a friend. He did it and I found out because the comm center called to confirm. He denied it.

We've come close to breaking up but I wimp out. He has nowhere to go, no $ to go with, the vehicle he drives is in my name (though he does pay the payments) and knows no one up here really except me, my family and friends.

I'm not ready for divorce. He does provide some companionship and financial help. My history is weight problems all my life. One night stands seeking validation after a weight loss. Had lost 100 lbs when my husband and I met, gained it back plus some. We were sexually active prior to the wedding but have only consumated the marriage once in 4 years. I blame my weight gain; he blames his.

To say my relationship in unhealthy is not strong enough. It's a codependent hell. Yet I don't want out.

HELP!

May 24, 2004
5:24 pm
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dree
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I learned once from a native american woman that it is code that if you feel sorry for someone, you acutally disrespect them by sending them energy like "You poor thing, you'll never make it." Whereas, when you give tough love and send them energy like "It's hard but you can make it," you acutally help them. It's easier said than done but my codependency got the best of me and I made excuses forever for my weakness but when I looked at the facts and saw that I was indeed, hurting the man I loved as well, I told myself, the RIGHT and Godly (loving) thing to do was to let him go and heal the best way I could. I do wish you luck and know YOU CAN GET THROUGH THIS..

May 24, 2004
5:34 pm
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fairy99
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September 27, 2010
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There is never a quick fix for anything, but I can tell you that once they start lying it doesn't stop. They learn to get better at it until their caught. You have to ask yourself,
Am I really happy? What a person looks like should not be an issue because we should love from within, and I know it doesn't happen like that. You have to do what s best for you, not him. It's pretty obvious he has no regards for your feeling from all these lies, so you have to take a stand. Maybe if you tell him to go he may see the light and then again he may not. I know your concerned because you say he has no one, he has himself and it sounds like he needs to grow up and stand up. You don't deserve to be lied to or mistreated in any way. You deserve to be happy.

May 25, 2004
1:00 am
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gingerleigh
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Hm. You say that you don't want out, yet you are here saing "help!" Are you sure you don't want out of this?

If you quiet the chatter in your head, can you hear your own voice asking for what you want and need? What's it saying? Assuming that all things are possible, what is it saying?

May 25, 2004
3:35 am
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uptoolate
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September 24, 2010
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I once had a situation similar to yours. I had a 2 1/2 year relationship with a man that lied to me from the very beginning. Little by little I found out the truth until one day I found out that he was a con artist ripping people off.

I lost all respect for him and one day while he was at work I packed it up and moved into my own place. I am so glad I got out of it.

You can't base a relationship on lies. It sounds as if you need to look deep into yourself and ask what the real reason is for staying in this relationship. Are you scared of being alone? Are you self conscious about your weight and afraid that he is the best you can get? I can tell you that you deserve better. It sounds like he has taken advantage of you from the very beginning and thats just wrong. and he continues to do so and by staying in this, you enable him to. Don't sell yourself short.

May 25, 2004
9:11 am
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CAMER
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September 30, 2010
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you should get out of this relationship quickly, this man is a liar and it seems like you did everything for him, now what has he done for you??? this man drained your bank account, talks and sends women gifts, he does not sound like a stable man, and I truely beleive you
deserve so much better, the point is
YOU have to believe this too, you will never meet a good man staying with this bad boy!!! please think about what you really want, and good luck!

May 25, 2004
12:47 pm
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gypsygirl
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September 24, 2010
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Be careful he will send you right into bankruptcy also.

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