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He left today,,was almost weak
August 26, 2001
1:58 am
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debbie
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he left today

August 26, 2001
2:05 am
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debbie
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sorry sent thread without writing.....i wrote on how to stop wanting/needing a man that was bad..well his mom came and got his stuff today....he called about 20 times to make sure they were getting it all....the finalization made me want to run to him and say it was ok and that i wanted him back...but i was strong and didn't...almost though....i feel very confused..and like crying every 10 minutes, but i know that he was bad for me...very angry, hostile, blamed me for everything with his actions...i know i will miss him being here..but he was so rude to me...very inconsiderate....am gonna try to go out and learn how to have fun....right now and in the past all i did was work, work, work. I don't want to box myself in and not let anyone be close to me...was afraid of that....have done it so long in my past..., but i am an attractive woman with so much going for me....but i don't feel very worthy ...is needing someone to want to hold me a big mistake????.would i risk involving myself with bad again....would i dive in too soon...??? I know that i didn't want him.....he was so cold..
i would apprciate all comments!!!

August 26, 2001
12:29 pm
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gingerleigh
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Good for you Debbie! You stayed strong. You should feel very proud, because you proved yourself that much stronger by reconizing the urge to "give in" but you didn't. You held your ground and held onto what you believe it. I would say that that makes you stronger than someone who never felt that temptation and had to turn away, you know what I mean?

Things WILL get better. You WILL learn how to be happy and have fun on your own. And if you can learn how to do these things on your own, you WILL attract a good man who will treat you right and who you will love and respect in return. It won't happen in a month, or maybe even a year, but it will happen. (And if you feel like it did happen within a month, beware... it might be a rebound.)

Now, onto taking care of you. He's gone from your home, so what are you going to do? What does the house look like? Is it empty? What can you do to rearrange things, move stuff around, pick out some new wall furnishings, maybe have some friends over for wine and cheese and brainstorming about what to do with the place.

Wanting to have someone hold you is not a "mistake", it's just a need that you feel. It's not wrong. *But* what type of holding are you looking for? Be careful that you aren't looking for nurturing in the arms of another man. Get that loving attention, but get it from somewhere safe, like a friend or family member.

Keep on keeping on, as they say.

August 27, 2001
1:28 am
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debbie
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Thank you ginger...you were so helpful! I called some of my friends today and told them to make me get out and do things....so a friend from work is gonna take me golfing and out on the weekends....don't know if i'm looking forward to it or not?? I called him 3 times today at the hotel..got upset and told him how much he hurt me treating me so badly...he justified it with my actions...i really gave it all,,,,affection....attention...he didn't return...but said several times today that he would have showed me love if i would have done more...

The house is not empty....already had everything..it's the same, but can't seem to appreciate anything...value anything...is that normal??.......i don't want to cuddle up to a stranger..i want to cuddle up next to him and for him to tell me that it will all be ok....i know "la la land"....i sure don't feel strong, but i know i am...thanks again ginger for writing me,,,it helped so much!!!

August 27, 2001
11:47 am
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Ladeska
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Hate to be a pain here, but I have to tell you what I see in what you wrote....one one hand you know this guy doesn't respect you, love you, honor you, support you, etc., etc. Yet - "you miss him"? Isn't that like saying - you miss pain, deception, torture and abuse?

You're going to go right back to it if something doesn't drastically change here or start going in that direction.

So, you'd like for the devil himself to "hold you"...."why is that?"

It's plain as day that this guy is beyond being a creep....and yet you feel like - he is good enough for you, otherwise you wouldn't be missing him and missing his abuse.

That tells me that you don't see yourself as being much better than he is. Am I right? The real question here is - why is that?

You align yourself with - how you see "you". You've obviously believed someone's lies a long time ago, early on in life and they hurt you. So, now - you're finding a person that is of like character and trying to make them love you while you endure the pain.

Are you ready to do the work that needs to be done here or are you going to eventually give in to what's familiar and go running to him or someone like him?

August 27, 2001
12:43 pm
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gingerleigh
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Ladeska is right. Beware of anyone that says "We could have worked things out if only you had blah blah blah..." That's not love. That's someone who doesn't know what they want and doesn't know how to make themselves happy and looks to use another person to fill a void inside themselves. And unfortunately, when you choose to "dance" with that type of person, you end up turning into his marionette while he pulls at your joints and limbs and stretches you first this way and then that. Eventually, he just throws his puppet down in frustration because it didn't turn into a spaceship.

(And if you wonder where I'm spouting this nonsense from, my arms and legs are permanently stretched and strange from the pulling that I willfully endured for years, and I actually think I have a tailpipe emerging from my rear where I was doing my darndest to turn into a UFO.)

And, to be honest, what you are feeling as far as not valuing stuff... that's common and "normal". Great news that you have friends who want to take you out. Go!!!

I would recommend against contacting or speaking to this man. You've said your piece, now be done with it. Every time you initiate or return communication, you give him one more opportunity to beat you down or seep under you skin. Give yourself some time to build your defenses.

So now go do something that you would like to brag to someone else about. How far can you drive a golf ball? 100 yards? 200? 300? 500? Across town?

August 27, 2001
2:18 pm
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Ladeska
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Guess the next thing I would ask you....seems to always go back to this....but, what important man in your life early on - who wasn't there for you...didn't give you what you needed or maybe was abusive? Is there a figure in your life like that?

August 27, 2001
2:49 pm
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Ladeska
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I affectionately call some people "spiders" (smile) because they are SO like them. They do spin webs and trap people in them. Just thought I'd throw these things out there and see if any of it sounds familiar? Mind you - these traits - are consistent ones. You always know what you are looking at when you look at what's consistent....and sometimes that means not looking at the facade that's put up in front of you. What the ad is selling and what you get are most often - two different things, right?

********************

They lie constantly and pride themselves in their ability to "lie well" and talk their way out of whatever.

They cannot take confrontation.

If they say they are sorry, it is never sincere. They may be sorry "you took it wrong" or sorry for a time - but actions speak the truth.

They twist everything you say.

Humility isn't their strong suit.

They want to know all about you, how you think, what your hurts and weaknesses are and at some point will use this against you.

Everything is about "them" unless they need to charm you because they need something from you.

They have periods of being really good to you because they count on you feeling indebted to them when they decide to twist the screws.

They try not to hit you head-on because delivering side shots confuses you and when you are confused, you're easier prey.

They are hot and cold, with little regard to what they put you through during this roller coaster ride.

They have periods of being really cold to you for no reason just to test the waters and see how far you will go with feeling guilty and trying to please them even more.

They never forget an offense - You have done to them. They keep record of it and remind you often, especially when you confront - them.

They are illusive about what they do, but demand you tell them - everything.

They jump right over what they do to you and make light of it, but if you do an infraction against THEM - you can never do enough to make it up to them.

They walk around in a cloud of "entitlement". Therefore, they have reasons to hurt people, reasons to not have a conscience because - people in general owe them for whatever hurt they are carrying around.

They love circular reasoning. Will resist taking the straight line in communication.

They hold their affection at bay - until you pay the ransom. The more you exhibit personal rights - the more they withdraw their attentions and make you pay or give in.

August 27, 2001
6:05 pm
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Molly
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Debbie, this too shall pass, and the reality is when you look at just what it is that your missing. One of the mistakes I made when I moved both times was keeping so much of the STUFF, it didn't dawn on me how much emotional crap was attached to the Stuff, so decorate, go through all those catalogs, new places to walk through, and check it out. And quit calling him!!!!! Mother molly says if you don't want to open Pandoras box and get put on a trip of shoulda woulda coulda, or I miss you too, which I am sure he does, just don't put your self out there where you are going to hurt.

August 28, 2001
2:17 am
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debbie
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wow! thanks to all of you for your comments....i value each and every one! I'm a beginner golfer, but took a lot of great lessons from a pro...taught me well....can drive about 260, best game was 82...but got away from it for two years...hope i haven't lost it...rock climbing would be great...muscle endurance is the trick, right??

your are so right ladeska! and ginger, you make me smile! All of you are so precious! I know that i am so codependent! My mom had to shoot my dad when i was 16 cuz he was trying to kill us...he was cold, selfish, and controlling...very abusive and inappropriate with me and my sister...there were 7 of us and mom was so strong, but a basketcase a lot of the time too,,,we did leave and hid for 2 yrs when i was about 12, but he found us, so we ran to my mom's parents,,,he set their house on fire with us in it....then shot my mom's dad while he was working, he didn't die, but my dad told my mom that that was just a warning if she didn't return to her "rightful" place...i tried to live with my mom's family, asked them, but they said no cuz "he was really trying to be good"
so i called social services anonymously, hoping they could help because he was touching and kissing me and my sister, but the response i got from an overworked social worker (i was 14 at the time)was that she could come out and counsel,,talk to my dad with the family,,,so of course i just hung up the phone, cuz he would have killed me to even think i would call for help....then he took my saxophone away.(when we hid, my mom let me join the band) he smashed it up ....said i wasn't gonna be in the band, cuz he knew what went on "on those band trips"...i was so good at the sax too..make allstate my first year!!! so i tried to kill myself...drank a whole bunch of lighter fluid....threw it up and stayed very sick for about 3 days...he wouldn't let my mom take me to the hospital...questions you know....then my older friends offered to take me to a distant town and get jobs so i could finish school and get my music back....i refused,,,had young brothers and sisters that needed me and my mom needed me too....he broke so many of her bones with his steel-toed boots...then when she shot him....(i was 16)...of course people from so many different states that we had lived in came to her defense....if was self-defense, no question....i moved back to my the town where i graduated from high school and pursued my music...bought a small mobile home,,,got a job at winn dixie as a cashier...my mom moved 60 miles away by her mom and dad with my little brothers and sisters and i worked through high school....got a scholarship for top ten in my class....dated, nuthin serious...set my sights..with no interference...then fell in love with an alcoholic that needed me...dropped the scholarship...took off to alaska to my new husband....he began to be very abusive..so i divorced, went back to school..got my education degree...set my sights again....the husband i just i married two yrs ago ( i grew up with him-we were sweethearts ) came to alaska to be my room-mate...was pregnant for the first time.(i'm 25 then)..we were best friends until he started unpluggin the phone and reading my old letters and having fits of rage cuz i went to school and was tryin to get my life back...i even layed it on the line from the beginning...no commitment....that i had to get my life together...i guess he thought differently....wanted me bad...said all he ever wanted was me.....finally got rid of him...moved to montana finished my degree (exhusband in ak was threatening to kill me,,,so time to go) finished my degree in montana....no dating....moved to wyoming to do my student teaching...met my second child's father....fell so fast...he was going to the community college where i was taking psychology courses to make sure i was growing in the right direction.....this relationship was so bad....he wanted a mommy-and had 3 small children of his own....he hated my little one.....i was in la la land for a little while....then left cuz i'm not completely stupid...he said that he preferred i not tell the baby (i'm 32 now) about him cuz she would just have to drag him around her whole life....duh...broken hearted and weak,,,went back to montana took a few more psych classes and took in some extensive soul-searching counseling....got a 5th grade job through interviews at the college for a ca. teaching job....got it and moved....no dating ....for 7 years....read up on trauma....wanted to be prepared...then risked dating in 1999..trying to train myself to make good choices..and be assertive....met a wonderful man...he was sooooo good to me...thought wow, this is it.....married him a year later....he is still sooooo good to me...the golf pro....he was good to my girls tooo...until the facade started to slip....he was wanted for assault...found out when he told me he had a court case over a faulty golf club...but he had assaulted a woman that didn't want to date him...then i find out that he was married to someone else....that he had kidnapped his daughter and hid in fl for 6 yrs....then took her back to her mom where he met me.....he assaulted my daughter...had him arrested.....fell apart (i find out all of the lies when he is in jail)
then the man i grew up with that moved up to ak. years before contacted me at the worst possible time....i felt like i was goin nuts over the deceptive relationship i had left...needed that best friend.....so we started seeing each other again...i decided to marry him cuz i thought the frustration he felt in ak...was because i didn't want to commit...so i needed to give him that statement....then once he married me he was soooooo cold and became so horrible....now he's gone....and it's just me again....i know i need time to heal...going to go to codependent groups with a teacher friend of mine and join 24 hrs fitness...i don't want to date...but i don't want to drown myself in work and motherhood like i did for 9 yrs with no dating...i pushed everyone away...didn't even want friends...now i don't want to do that to myself.....i'm 40 now...i know deep inside that i feel worthless for someone to love...but my friends and family tell me it's because i choose the wrong one, that it would be different with someone good...too much fear inside to believe that...i'm thinking about hypnosis....all of the years of reading, taking classes, counseling and trying to be very aware of the effects of dysfunction and trauma didn't help me at all....i can climb any mountain that life presents....but the rug just slips right out from beneath my life when i get in a relationship....i am a very good person...intelligent...iq 131....but it seems like the devil himself is so tuned in to me to send so many wolves my way....i build up then let myself get torn back down....thinking the whole time that i am aware of ghosts in the closet and signs of dysfunctional men....when the reality is that i never even saw it comin...duh??????? i would appreciate any comments that all of you have....hope i haven't written too much, but my life has been so bizarre!!!!! What do u see?? Thanks for all of the comments...gives me insight..and a look at reality....bottom line...i always choose men that are not capable of caring for anyone....but i never see it...

August 28, 2001
11:20 am
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Ladeska
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Debbie.....I'm sitting here....stunned. I rarely read stories that really hit home with me and my past. This one certainly does. Maybe one day, I'll share it with you. For now, just know....I "completely" understand...Our stories are very similar.

I can't express in words here - how sad I am for what was stolen from you.....there are no words in the english language for that...

First of all, I want to offer my email address - if you'd like to talk privately at any time. It's [email protected]

Secondly....are you aware, really aware of how strong and resilient you are? You probably aren't. People don't understand that what you went through was a gauntlet - that lasted for years and years. One that you had no choice but to run. And to run it - with half of you blown off and bleeding profusely.

You were taught certain things growing up and you tried desperately to fight it, to resist it, to understand it and at the same time - to live life - which just kept coming at you.

I am always amazed at the people who point the fingers and criticize someone like yourself for not being "better" in some way. I'm not very nice to those peope. First thing I usually say is - so....let's put you in a Nazi concentration camp for about 18 years and see how you come out of it! It's the same thing. The torture, the brainwashing, the deprivation, the confusion - is all the same. You were a P.O.W. - just a different kind of war - but war nonetheless.

And sweetheart....you survived it and survived it well.. You want to "understand" what torments you, rules you to some extent, and what initially threw a dagger into your heart that brought you to your knees emotionally. That's human nature - to want to be able to identify - what has hurt them. If we can name it, know it and understand it - then we feel like we can have some power over it.

That's true. The only thing I would add to that is - sometimes - it's best not to get too close to something that is very evil and twisted. Our naive side - will lead us right into the den of wolves - so to speak - blindly following the scent of something "familiar" in hopes of resolving something inside of us... We want to settle an old war - trying to resolve it, through role playing with people that remind us of - the people who wounded us early on. We want to "fix" the past and we go about doing it subconsciously.. We wander into harm's way - not knowing what we are doing or why.

The "wolves" as you put it (correctly stated, btw) know you - because you bear the scars of - their kind. You are easy prey for them. Not only are you drawn to them subconsciously - they are drawn to you because - you are wounded in certain places that make you an easy hit. The predator in nature usually goes for the animal that will make them use - the least amount of energy. That would be "you" to "some" particular predators.

The thing is - you've been running the marathon where the odds are stacked against you. But - that doesn't matter to you - you're hypervigilant. (smile) I would know about that one.... Your system it locked into survival mode and even though you may do some things compulsively that aren't good for you - you will still pick up the ball and run like hell to correct and get back in the game again. You are in a league all your own, Debbie. You are indeed - a warrior. You deserve so much credit here for what you have fought against and gotten up time and time again - to fight again, win, lose or draw.

......."proud to know you"......

Now then....where you are now - isn't a bad place...it's another level of learning and is actually - a very good place. Please go get "People of the Lie" by Dr. Scott Peck and read it. You will understand it like no other book you have ever read. It will validate you so much, what you've been through, the people that have been in your life and the things you've seen - and thought you imagined because no one else saw...

There are so many things inside you that are developed past a normal person's level. That's what happens sometimes - when we go through the fire. If gold comes out on the other side - then the fire didn't win. Instead - it brought out the finer qualities and refinement happens. In this case - I see nothing but brilliance shining from you...

I won't leave you here....you are my sister...I know where you have come from and have an inkling of where you can go...(smile) You can write to me here or on email - it's your call. It will be my pleasure and my honor to come alongside you in any way I can and share with you a path out of the jungle.

August 28, 2001
9:56 pm
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debbie
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Thank you Ladeska! Nobody has ever said anything like you have before....I know deep inside that I have so many good qualities and live it every day, but it's the relationships that drop me....i don't know why, but i feel so much more weaker now....it's hitting me harder.....maybe because it is all so fresh...or is it because i'm older??
Know what i want to do and where i want to go...so the relationship thing is on top of my priority list in this stage of my life???? I will get the book this weekend...thanks for the suggestion..you have said some things to me that have really touched me...in a way that has never happened before..thank you from the bottom of my heart...i have never let anyone know me,,,,except my mom...everybody is always so self-absorbed that i was always the couselor...i almost called the hotel to find out what was going on,,,but really in hopes to hear him say how horribly wrong and sorry he was...la la land again....but instead i checked this thread and found your letter.....i'm not calling,,,,still want to so bad....but can't...it would just put of the inevitable anyway...hope i keep realizing that.....
my email is [email protected]...please feel free to email me too...i've never asked for support from anyone my entire life, never even talked to anyone about me personally, except when i went to the counselor in mt...he had to stop counseling me because he had feelings for me...so this is kind of out of my comfort zone (always felt like an inconvenience)...i do need to hear other people's opinions of me...i obviously don't know who i am sometimes.....you'll never know how much i appreciate your generous thought...you are a good person.
thanks again!!! thanks for your email address too...i will write you.
My teacher friend wants me to go to the lake with him and his roommate this weekend (he is gay and so is she) wonderful people...but they drink, party alot...the whole weekend will be boatriding...drinking...visiting...
kind of scares me....always stayed away from that lifestyle....want to though...experience something new...with no responsibility (rare for me)..what do u think???? culture shock that may make me want to rush back to that safe place by myself??? hope to hear from you soon!

August 29, 2001
12:10 pm
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Ladeska
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Debbie...I wrote you an email...thanks isn't necessary. The things I said, you deserve and if I didn't say them - someone definitely needed to because it's just the truth. (smile)

August 29, 2001
1:05 pm
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Ladeska
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Debbie....and as far as your trip is concerned....I don't think it's possible to experience something without responsibility. Rather dangerous...if you feel like being reckless...I wouldn't go with people you don't feel 100% comfortable or safe with. Maybe go out with them when it's not a weekend thing, and just experience them - a little at a time. Also, boating and drinking - do not, should not be mixed. I've seen too many horrible accidents and some were friends of mine, so that's definitely a big no-no. It's dangerous enough out there without adding this to the brew.

You know, I believe in being wild and crazy, don't get me wrong and as far as them having a different sexual orientation - as long as people don't impose that on me and have total respect for me, too - I don't have a problem with them. It they are wonderful people - then they are wonderful people. That's how I look at it. But, you do have to go slow with people - realizing that what may be okay in their life - may not be okay in close to your life....i.e. - drinking and boating or anything else where your boundaries are.

And I guess that's the deal here - you have to "know" where your boundaries are about things ahead of time. No time to figure that out when you're in the middle of whatever going down.

So - be reckless and wild and crazy - with people you really know, really trust and then go hang upside down in a tree somewhere! (smile)

I think it's just good mental and emotional health to be a nut sometimes. God knows - usually live in that realm! Helps me to live with all the "sane" people in this world!

Don't pick up that phone! It's got Poison written on it!! Resist, resist... Sometimes when we grow, when we are on the brink of really learning something - it feels as if we've lost something... And indeed we have. We've let go of our old crutches and in those few moments in our lives - it feels really uncomfortable, risky, not okay. Yes, even letting go of poison - won't "feel right" because it's been such a familiar thing with you. You'll have withdrawals. Expect them, they will be there. But exercise that stubborn will that has gotten you through so many things before in this life and just say NO. It will subside and in the meantime - you need to concentrate on what drives you to do certain things...

Time for you to have a little "time out" so you can introspect, learn and heal...

August 29, 2001
1:47 pm
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Ladeska
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Regarding the "relationship" thing.....it really does affect us - this blind spot that we have and if we are abuse victims on top of that, especially if it's sexual abuse - then relationship troubles will definitely surface. Just no way around it. If someone has a leg crushed in an accident - they're going to have problems bowling, ya know? (smile) But, as is characteristics with these stubborn little people like you and myself - we think we can run the olympics anyway and win. Thing is - we often do - just that.

But......larger than life - is this thorn in the side that you speak of here.....and the question looms....towering over everything we do......"how do I fix me?" How do I not allow myself to be compulsively drawn into this spinning fan? Well....it's definitely a journey and one of "discovery". It can actually be quite interesting.....so don't squint from pain too much at the though of it. I think it's rather fascinating to study ourselves, human nature and then to also see, alongside of that - that we have tremendous power at our fingertips. We have the power of creativity, strength of heart and intuition, not only can we reason, but we can feel things out as well and we have this magical thing about us that no one can really explain - whereby - we should be dead, but we're not. For some odd reason - we overcome some insurmountable odds.

However.....too often we tackle things that lead us away from this one area, leaving it vulnerable to attack, exposed to whomever may want to take advantage of us. This area where our womanhood resides is a very touchy, very wounded side of us. It has heavy barriers around it, almost impossible to get through. But, since you were the one who built it - you are the one that can get through it. The really interesting thing is - that nine times out of ten, if abuse happened as a small child - it is a small child's reasoning that not only built it - but that you will have to wrestle "with" when you disassemble it. You basically have to turn around and go through - your own mighty defense system. Kind of a "humbling" experience. And you have to do it a certain way so that - this part of you - this wounded child, doesn't build even another layer against you - the grown self and the world at large.

But, here in the dark sits a child - who doesn't understand much of anything except people who supposedly loved her - hurt her the most. So, the colors she paints with are different than what she might have chosen as a child unbroken..... Her vision in some ways is distorted and in others - is right on target. So, dealing with her - will be tricky business. The utmost respect and cautiousness is required.

Why do I talk like we are split up into two different halves? Because - we are. In some ways, we got stunted at an emotional age - of whatever age we were when we got severely wounded - maybe the first time something horrible happened - that we just could not psychologically handle. That's why we are so mature in some ways and are Zena the Warrior Princess in life and yet in other ways - we function like a 9 year old and make judgements like they would about things.

But, if your womanhood got ravaged at 9 years old - then wouldn't it make sense - that if your emotional growth in this arena stopped - right there? Wouldn't it make sense that a 9 year old would make certain choices about men - that your grown-up might otherwise think - not good or unhealthy when just dealing with your rational side? That's why we get so confused because later we say - Geez, if that were someone else - I'd have said - No way, don't do that, it's crazy, get away from him!!!! But.....if the little girl is making the choices and is allowed to and the two of you have not resolved some things about the past - guess what? She's the one steering the car and not you!

She will be compulsively running after Daddy or whoever hurt her - to try and make it right, fix it, find out from him - why oh why did you do this - I need a reason, please make it right with me, tell me you didn't mean to do it, that you still love me like I need you to!! Let me do something different, be something different, love you more maybe, something - I'll do anything, just don't go....help me - I don't understand.....

Sound familiar? I knew that it would..... That's the child in you - trying to resolve the old war. That's where she stopped growing.....and you....the big girl.....has to gain entrance into her fortress, a step at a time - teaching her the truth, pulling up the lies by the roots and slowly untangling the webwork that has wrapped around every part of your life. If you do it quickly and without really knowing and understanding what you are doing - then it will cause an artery to bleed and it won't work. This is delicate surgery and you go at your own speed and with great care.

This point in your life is probably the most important pivot point of all. You've survived the dragons - but seemingly little mouse.....is quite the roaring deadly beast hiding in your closet and you can't approach this with anything that you've used in the past. This wounded child......requires much sympathy, empathy and careful steps......she's alone and she needs to be reconnected permanently with you. You need each other. And she will grow leaps and bounds, if - she feels safe and feels like you understand and hasn't sentenced her to prison because - it was all her fault.....

It wasn't.

When that is finally believed by you....really deep down "believed" and that becomes - your truth....then - you won't be a sitting duck or a target for men that will cause you much grief. They will sense a different wind blowing and "those" men in particular - won't want to be around you. What a compliment, huh? (smile)

August 29, 2001
10:11 pm
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debbie
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Hi Ladesks and Listen!!! I enjoy reading these threads so much....

Listen, I am 40, which doesn't bother me, cuz i'm still youthful, pretty, and attractive,,,i'm a good weight, just not as "in shape" as i would like to be...am joining 24 hour fitness next week and am working out 3x or 4x week with friends, so the strengh will come back. I'm not afraid that i won't find anyone because i am 40...to me that is still young,,i guess the frustration comes from knowing what i've wanted to do with my life for some time now, and feeling like it's high time i found someone to share life with..i have felt that i was ready for so long, but in reality i wasn't ready at all...i know there is no quick fix...but talk about introspection, education,,etc for years,,,,what is going to help me grow so that i am ready and won't be wasting my time with the wolves....will i ever know?

Ladeska...you are soooooo precious....you are a deeply thinking person...you look at all angles....rare...thank you for so much insight...so my quest now is to learn how to rescue the child so we become one? I do act like a little child in so many ways in relationships..mostly feelings...ultimate panic too! I will need to learn how to do that...thought i had in so many ways, but you have put a new light/path in my journey...i will try to learn how to join with my inner child....counselors??? hynosis????? group????? literature??? Now HOW is the question? i am so glad that you emailed me,,,will check it when i am finished here!

I do trust my friends that are going to the lake....they are very cautious with the boat-drinking thing..i will feel safe with them and i know they won't impose lifestyles on me...i just have never felt comfortable around people that drink...(of course my dad drank), so i have stayed away from drinkers...i know that some people drink to have a good time...but my gut tells me that they all must be screwed up to need alcohol to have a good time...so discomfort comes along with "ghosts"
i never really learned how to have fun...was always made to work as a child...the only one allowed to have fun was my dad...i want to learn how to have fun and feel comfortable doing it....in my life on my own..being a mom, music ...learning....jigsaw puzzles...exercising, was my fun, now i don't know if i would enjoy any of them anymore, except motherhood..my girls are soooo sweet and good....but for me alone..i don't know...i feel like i have missed life in so many ways....feel the gap with the little girl a guess?? i haven't really given myself a chance to feel comfortable with comfortable people...trust issues i suppose...i probably feel deep inside that i am an inconvenience and not worth the time of day from most people..i know i would walk through the fire for anyone if i knew i would make it out alive, but wouldn't trust that in return...been doin it all so far...it's feels safer.....

thanks again for all of the wonderful comments, and for most of all keying me into the realization that there are actually people out there that are really good and care about others......makes me feel so good inside...ya'll (my southern heritage)
are awesome!

August 30, 2001
11:34 am
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Ladeska
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Debbie....you sure bless my heart..make me smile. Funny, but you give strength to me, too. Just love to see another little warrior spirit that is still in the "learning" mode and hasn't become hard and bitter even though you certainly have reason. If there is any teaching to be done here - it will definitely be a two-way street. I can see that you will bring much to the table that will delight me as well. If a teacher does not learn from their students - they have missed much in this life...

So....little missy....I think it's high time that you let the little one out to play, don't you think? Having fun is a mystery? Ah...how well I know that one! But, for many years now - my "child" is quite the active one..a real little stinker. I think it confuses people alot because they have a hard time guessing my age. That's pretty nice actually. One minute I'm a 5 year old and the next - I'm 47. I get into arguments alot about how old I am. They demand to see the driver's lic. and then tell me it must be fake. I love it!

But....the age thing - is all in your head and your child - has a right to run through the house as often as possible. So, get in touch with - what makes you giggle. Experiment. Go buy a coloring book and the big box of colors with the sharpener in the back - color at the lake. They'll get a kick out of you. I just bought a hoola hoop...great fun! Good exercise for the waist!

And...I am now on a kick of shooting a b-b gun. My boyfriend goes - oh no..not again - Annie Oakley incarnate. I've now progressed to shooting at fruit in the trees. He's good, too. We're a good match for each other.

Playing dress-up is pretty fun, too. My closet looks like - the drama dept. at high school. You name it - it's in there. Sometimes, when I'm all alone - I just play dress-up, turn on the music and just make a complete mess of my room.

Do I care if people probably say I'm crazy? Nope. I just say - thank you! They're just jealous they can't run around in stripped tights, a Grinch hat on, blowing bubbles and munching on an ice cream cone!

Yes, I suppose it is a certain kind of "madness" - but you know what - we freaking deserve it because of the hell we lived through and survived! My little girl was one sad human being for many years...near death alot of the time - so if she wants to parade around now and look whacked - who gives a flying rip? And whoever does can - talk to the hand.

There are no prison walls where I live now and if it gets to looking look like that - take dyn-o-mite and blow them up. I've done that alot actually. Was left with nothing alot of times, but sometimes nothing is better than - misery. Security in my book translates into - freedom and sometimes that means - letting go of everything and wide open spaces. I feel - safe there. Because then - I can bring close to me - what matters and leave everything else in the dust where it belongs.

You....are at a very exciting point in your life! Time to open the door to the attic and let someone OUT! Wanna go play, little girl? My mommie asked your mommie and she said it was okay - we just have to hold hands and try not to eat dirt.

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