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HE JUST MAD BECAUSE HE AINT MY DAD!
June 6, 2010
2:27 pm
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Poetry
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MY MOTHERS BOYFRIEND IS VERY DISRESPECTFUL TO WOMEN. HE HAS VERBALLY BEEN DISRESPECTFUL TOWARDS HER AS WELL AS MYSELF AND MY SISTERS. THE CRAZY THING ABOUT IT IS THAT SHE ALWAYS TAKES HIM BACK AFTER HE HAS CAME OUT HIS MOUTH WRONG. HES IS ON CRACK AND MARIJUANA AND I JUST WANTED TO KNOW HOW I SHOULD HANDLE THIS SITUATION. IN THE PAST I HAVE CALLED THE COPS ON HIM AND GOOTEN INTO HARD CORE ARGUMENTS ABOUT HIS SMART A** MOUTH. WHAT SHOULD I DO? ANY SUGGESTIONS

June 6, 2010
3:34 pm
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StronginHim77
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I would stay away from him, even if it means you can't be with your mother, as much as you would like. Just be certain she understands WHY you aren't around as much.

Anyone on crack is going to be a major problem. Steer clear of him at all costs, so that you don't get embroiled in his nightmare. It is pointless to argue with an active alcoholic or drug abuser. POINTLESS. Save your breath. He can't hear you and might even HURT you.

If any of your sisters are minor children (under 18) and living with your mother, you should report this situation to Child Protective Services. It would be wrong for your mother to expose such children to a bf with substance abuse issues. If they are over 18, they can choose to be around this mess...or step back from it.

- Ma Strong

June 6, 2010
3:50 pm
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Poetry
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I appreciate the advice, and your right because its seems like the more i curse him out the more incompetent he seems. It does seem pointless. I just feel that i have to protect my little sisters because my mom is soo in love with this alcoholic, crack using guy, that she is blinded and keeps taking him back. I dont know about child protective services because I dont want them to be raised by the systemor have to go intofoster care.

June 6, 2010
6:19 pm
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chinadoll
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Ask yourself if your sisters are better off in an unhealthy living environment with an alcoholic/addict man in the house and a mother who is not able/not willing to protect them from his destructive behaviors.

Even if he is not being physically abusive, your sisters do not need to witness him being high or yelling and talking bad things from his mouth. they are still being abused verbally, I am sure, not to mention emotionally neglected.

and if he is spending money towards drugs and alcohol, I am sure that even if he is not supporting the family (he probably sees no obligation to do so), your Mom appears to be putting him before your sisters, so if your Mom is supporting him with money, then she is not fully supporting your sisters and their needs are not being met.

Children's Protective Services is there to look to the best interest of children. If you don't contact CPS, it will be a matter of time before someone else will, and your Mom could be charged with child endangerment.

Foster care can be a temporary situation, until your Mom is able to provide a safe environment for them. They don't have to be raised by the system. A social worker can set up a case plan to help your Mom with parenting, counseling, whatever she needs so she does not have to rely on this man that is on the path to destroying the family.

Otherwise, your sisters are going to learn by your Mom's example and end up with men who are addicts/alcoholics, too. They are not going to know any better.

Help is available. It's just taking the first step. I used to be a foster care worker. Every situation is different. Children don't necessarily have to be removed if the parent is willing to improve. Removals can be temporary, parents do get their kids back if they are willing to put in the work.

I don't know if you are in a position to take guardianship of them. It would not be easy for you to protect them if they are still living in the home with your Mom and him.

June 6, 2010
11:58 pm
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chelonia mydas
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Poetry,

Welcome to AAC. I'm glad that you are opening up here and seeking advice. Only you know what is best for your situation, but I would like to share a bit of my story to help you see a different perspective.

I am now in my 30's but CPS was involved in my childhood because my parents were into drugs, drinking etc. I've been in foster care and returned to my family and back to foster care. I also ran away and lived on the streets for a time.

Of all those experiences the most hurtful was being with my parents when they harmed me as a result of their addictions. When I was hurt on the streets, at least it was by strangers and because I wasn't careful enough.

My foster mom made a very positive difference in my life. I still contact her a few times a year to let her know whats going on in my life. My time in foster care gave me a chance to experience a different way of life. One where rules were inforced, structure was provided and I had the ability to be a kid. None of those were part of my life at home, where I had to be the parent because my own parents were too caught up with their own issues.

At first I hated foster care because I didn't get to do what I wanted when I wanted... and there was also a very unusual feeling of experiencing unconditional love. My foster mom cared no matter what I did, she stayed with me and she held her ground. It wasn't a power struggle, it was because she was looking out for my best interests even when I was programed to self destruct. She never brought scarey people into my life or put me in harms way. She made sure that hot food was served at breakfast and dinner and that we were all tucked in with a kiss by 10pm. She understood my tantrums and rages were based in fear and feeling out of control. It was her ability to help me realize that the way my mother lived was not OK or normal that helped me want to have something different in my life. Without my foster mom, I would probably be like my sisters, addicts who have hooked up with abusers. I not only lived through my childhood, I survived mostly because I was fortunate enough to have a good foster home.

Because my sisters weren't a lot of trouble, when we were removed from our family, they got to live with my grandparents, who were also alcoholics. They never had the chance to experience the unconditional love or have a role model of a strong independant woman who loved enough to reach out and help a child in need.

The foster system is a gamble, but from my experience, staying with addicts is a guarentee for a horrible experience. At least with foster care you have a chance at getting something better.

Please contact CPS. As someone who has been there, I can say that it changed my life for the better. Yes at the time I was mad as hell at my teacher for reporting it, but now I am so glad that she gave me that breath of air when I was drowning. Wihtout it I would have drown, just like my sisters did.

June 7, 2010
10:55 am
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StronginHim77
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Foster care saved my life. It was better than the years when I was returned to my mother to live with her.

My foster parents were kind to me. They never beat me, yelled at me or abused me in any way. My mother did, though. I remember crying to go back to my foster family, after being given back to my mother who was cruel, abusive, scary.

My older sister was not as lucky. She had to stay with my mother during her early years. As a result, she wound up with a serious mental disorder. Abuse produces abusers and new "victims." Always.

I hope you help your sisters and get them out of the hell in which they live...around an addict and a mother who doesn't love them enough to give them a better life.

- Ma Strong

June 7, 2010
12:25 pm
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StronginHim77
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Don't get me wrong. I want to see your mother get help, too. But she is the adult who is CHOOSING to live in this abusive situation. The children are innocent victims. They have NO CHOICE.

Please give them that choice...and that shot at a better life. Otherwise, they will wind up with abusive men when they grow up.

- Ma

June 7, 2010
12:30 pm
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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Mydas...

I am amazed you lived such a sad life cause you are very amazing to me and strong, thanks for sharing that, I know that is not easy and it really touched my heart and its gives me hope for myself and others like us:)

June 7, 2010
12:32 pm
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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I am not an abuser, and I was abused ma strong, is that what you meant? I work very hard to be a good mother to my child and I have never hit her or been cruel, I was not perfect but for the life i had lead, I think I am doing a fairly decent job with my child...not all children who grew up with abuse turn out to be abusive, sorry but I didn't and I know others who didn't too....

June 7, 2010
12:38 pm
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StronginHim77
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Dear BFG:

Sorry if I was not clear. I wrote, "Abuse produces abusers and new "victims." NEW VICTIMS. This means that abuse produces people who either grow up to abuse...or gravitate towards less than healthy (and frequently downright toxic) relationships.

My sister became an abuser, herself. I became willing to settle for "way less than healthy" in my adult partner choices. Some were actually abusive.

I hope this clarifies.

- Ma

June 7, 2010
1:05 pm
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snowdrop
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Chelonia, thank you for posting these words, this is one of the best descriptions of caring parenting that I have ever read.

'At first I hated foster care because I didn't get to do what I wanted when I wanted... and there was also a very unusual feeling of experiencing unconditional love. My foster mom cared no matter what I did, she stayed with me and she held her ground. It wasn't a power struggle, it was because she was looking out for my best interests even when I was programed to self destruct. She never brought scarey people into my life or put me in harms way. She made sure that hot food was served at breakfast and dinner and that we were all tucked in with a kiss by 10pm. She understood my tantrums and rages were based in fear and feeling out of control. It was her ability to help me realize that the way my mother lived was not OK or normal that helped me want to have something different in my life. Without my foster mom, I would probably be like my sisters, addicts who have hooked up with abusers. I not only lived through my childhood, I survived mostly because I was fortunate enough to have a good foster home.'

Poetry, the best thing that you can do for your sisters is to give them the chance to experience the sort of care that Chelonia describes. It sounds like your mother cannot do this. They deserve a chance in life, most of us on this site didn't get the parental support that we needed.You could change this for your sisters.

June 7, 2010
2:04 pm
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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thanks for clarifying that...I know of alot of people who think that way sadly...I work very hard on my issues and I think I done a decent job with my child..the best I could, when I was growing up no one came to help me, so i grew into an very unhappy adult and thankfully i got alot of help around the time my child was born, was I perfect? No but I am a decent good mother who does her best, in spite of all that happened to me, I did well and that is why I hate child abusers so much, if i can pick up a book and work on my issues, so can they! Thank you for that...

June 7, 2010
3:15 pm
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Juv.Services
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Poetry my dear. How old are you? If you are over 18 years old, you have the ability to adopt your sibling take them away from that home but it starts by contact CPS. If you are younger than 18 you have the abilty to go into Foster Care with your sibling and ask not to be seperated. I hope you get help

June 6, 2010
12:00 am
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Poetry
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MY
MOTHERS BOYFRIEND IS VERY DISRESPECTFUL TO WOMEN. HE HAS VERBALLY
BEEN DISRESPECTFUL TOWARDS HER AS WELL AS MYSELF AND MY SISTERS.
THE CRAZY THING ABOUT IT IS THAT SHE ALWAYS TAKES HIM BACK AFTER HE
HAS CAME OUT HIS MOUTH WRONG. HES IS ON CRACK AND MARIJUANA AND I
JUST WANTED TO KNOW HOW I SHOULD HANDLE THIS SITUATION. IN THE PAST
I HAVE CALLED THE COPS ON HIM AND GOOTEN INTO HARD CORE ARGUMENTS
ABOUT HIS SMART A** MOUTH. WHAT SHOULD I DO? ANY
SUGGESTIONS

June 6, 2010
12:00 am
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StronginHim77
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Members
Forum Posts: 453
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
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I
would stay away from him, even if it means you can't be with your
mother, as much as you would like. Just be certain she understands
WHY you aren't around as much.

Anyone on crack is
going to be a major problem. Steer clear of him at all costs, so
that you don't get embroiled in his nightmare. It is pointless to
argue with an active alcoholic or drug abuser. POINTLESS. Save your
breath. He can't hear you and might even HURT you.

If any of your
sisters are minor children (under 18) and living with your mother,
you should report this situation to Child Protective Services. It
would be wrong for your mother to expose such children to a bf with
substance abuse issues. If they are over 18, they can choose to be
around this mess...or step back from it.

- Ma
Strong

June 6, 2010
12:00 am
Avatar
Poetry
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Members
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Member Since:
September 24, 2010
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I
appreciate the advice, and your right because its seems like the
more i curse him out the more incompetent he seems. It does seem
pointless. I just feel that i have to protect my little sisters
because my mom is soo in love with this alcoholic, crack using guy,
that she is blinded and keeps taking him back. I dont know about
child protective services because I dont want them to be raised by
the systemor have to go intofoster care.

June 6, 2010
12:00 am
Avatar
chinadoll
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 193
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
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Ask
yourself if your sisters are better off in an unhealthy living
environment with an alcoholic/addict man in the house and a mother
who is not able/not willing to protect them from his destructive
behaviors.

Even if he is not
being physically abusive, your sisters do not need to witness him
being high or yelling and talking bad things from his mouth. they
are still being abused verbally, I am sure, not to mention
emotionally neglected.

and if he is
spending money towards drugs and alcohol, I am sure that even if he
is not supporting the family (he probably sees no obligation to do
so), your Mom appears to be putting him before your sisters, so if
your Mom is supporting him with money, then she is not fully
supporting your sisters and their needs are not being
met.

Children's
Protective Services is there to look to the best interest of
children. If you don't contact CPS, it will be a matter of time
before someone else will, and your Mom could be charged with child
endangerment.

Foster care can be
a temporary situation, until your Mom is able to provide a safe
environment for them. They don't have to be raised by the system. A
social worker can set up a case plan to help your Mom with
parenting, counseling, whatever she needs so she does not have to
rely on this man that is on the path to destroying the
family.

Otherwise, your
sisters are going to learn by your Mom's example and end up with
men who are addicts/alcoholics, too. They are not going to know any
better.

Help is available.
It's just taking the first step. I used to be a foster care worker.
Every situation is different. Children don't necessarily have to be
removed if the parent is willing to improve. Removals can be
temporary, parents do get their kids back if they are willing to
put in the work.

I don't know if
you are in a position to take guardianship of them. It would not be
easy for you to protect them if they are still living in the home
with your Mom and him.

June 6, 2010
12:00 am
Avatar
chelonia mydas
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Members
Forum Posts: 7
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Poetry,

Welcome to AAC.
I'm glad that you are opening up here and seeking advice. Only you
know what is best for your situation, but I would like to share a
bit of my story to help you see a different perspective.

I am now in my
30's but CPS was involved in my childhood because my parents were
into drugs, drinking etc. I've been in foster care and returned to
my family and back to foster care. I also ran away and lived on the
streets for a time.

Of all those
experiences the most hurtful was being with my parents when they
harmed me as a result of their addictions. When I was hurt on the
streets, at least it was by strangers and because I wasn't careful
enough.

My foster mom made
a very positive difference in my life. I still contact her a few
times a year to let her know whats going on in my life. My time in
foster care gave me a chance to experience a different way of life.
One where rules were inforced, structure was provided and I had the
ability to be a kid. None of those were part of my life at home,
where I had to be the parent because my own parents were too caught
up with their own issues.

At first I hated
foster care because I didn't get to do what I wanted when I
wanted... and there was also a very unusual feeling of experiencing
unconditional love. My foster mom cared no matter what I did, she
stayed with me and she held her ground. It wasn't a power struggle,
it was because she was looking out for my best interests even when
I was programed to self destruct. She never brought scarey people
into my life or put me in harms way. She made sure that hot food
was served at breakfast and dinner and that we were all tucked in
with a kiss by 10pm. She understood my tantrums and rages were
based in fear and feeling out of control. It was her ability to
help me realize that the way my mother lived was not OK or normal
that helped me want to have something different in my life. Without
my foster mom, I would probably be like my sisters, addicts who
have hooked up with abusers. I not only lived through my childhood,
I survived mostly because I was fortunate enough to have a good
foster home.

Because my sisters
weren't a lot of trouble, when we were removed from our family,
they got to live with my grandparents, who were also alcoholics.
They never had the chance to experience the unconditional love or
have a role model of a strong independant woman who loved enough to
reach out and help a child in need.

The foster system
is a gamble, but from my experience, staying with addicts is a
guarentee for a horrible experience. At least with foster care you
have a chance at getting something better.

Please contact
CPS. As someone who has been there, I can say that it changed my
life for the better. Yes at the time I was mad as hell at my
teacher for reporting it, but now I am so glad that she gave me
that breath of air when I was drowning. Wihtout it I would have
drown, just like my sisters did.

June 7, 2010
12:00 am
Avatar
StronginHim77
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 453
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Foster care saved my life. It was better than the years when I
was returned to my mother to live with her.

My foster parents
were kind to me. They never beat me, yelled at me or abused me in
any way. My mother did, though. I remember crying to go back to my
foster family, after being given back to my mother who was cruel,
abusive, scary.

My older sister
was not as lucky. She had to stay with my mother during her early
years. As a result, she wound up with a serious mental disorder.
Abuse produces abusers and new "victims." Always.

I hope you help
your sisters and get them out of the hell in which they
live...around an addict and a mother who doesn't love them enough
to give them a better life.

- Ma
Strong

June 7, 2010
12:00 am
Avatar
StronginHim77
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 453
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Don't
get me wrong. I want to see your mother get help, too. But she is
the adult who is CHOOSING to live in this abusive situation. The
children are innocent victims. They have NO CHOICE.

Please give them
that choice...and that shot at a better life. Otherwise, they will
wind up with abusive men when they grow up.

- Ma

June 7, 2010
12:00 am
Avatar
BAREFOOTGIRL
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Mydas...

I am amazed you
lived such a sad life cause you are very amazing to me and strong,
thanks for sharing that, I know that is not easy and it really
touched my heart and its gives me hope for myself and others like
us:)

June 7, 2010
12:00 am
Avatar
BAREFOOTGIRL
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I am
not an abuser, and I was abused ma strong, is that what you meant?
I work very hard to be a good mother to my child and I have never
hit her or been cruel, I was not perfect but for the life i had
lead, I think I am doing a fairly decent job with my child...not
all children who grew up with abuse turn out to be abusive, sorry
but I didn't and I know others who didn't too....

June 7, 2010
12:00 am
Avatar
StronginHim77
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 453
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Dear
BFG:

Sorry if I was not
clear. I wrote, "Abuse produces abusers and new "victims." NEW
VICTIMS. This means that abuse produces people who either grow up
to abuse...or gravitate towards less than healthy (and frequently
downright toxic) relationships.

My sister became
an abuser, herself. I became willing to settle for "way less than
healthy" in my adult partner choices. Some were actually
abusive.

I hope this
clarifies.

- Ma

June 7, 2010
12:00 am
Avatar
snowdrop
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Chelonia, thank you for posting these words, this is one of the
best descriptions of caring parenting that I have ever
read.

'At first I hated
foster care because I didn't get to do what I wanted when I
wanted... and there was also a very unusual feeling of experiencing
unconditional love. My foster mom cared no matter what I did, she
stayed with me and she held her ground. It wasn't a power struggle,
it was because she was looking out for my best interests even when
I was programed to self destruct. She never brought scarey people
into my life or put me in harms way. She made sure that hot food
was served at breakfast and dinner and that we were all tucked in
with a kiss by 10pm. She understood my tantrums and rages were
based in fear and feeling out of control. It was her ability to
help me realize that the way my mother lived was not OK or normal
that helped me want to have something different in my life. Without
my foster mom, I would probably be like my sisters, addicts who
have hooked up with abusers. I not only lived through my childhood,
I survived mostly because I was fortunate enough to have a good
foster home.'

Poetry, the best
thing that you can do for your sisters is to give them the chance
to experience the sort of care that Chelonia describes. It sounds
like your mother cannot do this. They deserve a chance in life,
most of us on this site didn't get the parental support that we
needed.You could change this for your sisters.

June 7, 2010
12:00 am
Avatar
BAREFOOTGIRL
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

thanks for clarifying that...I know of alot of people who think
that way sadly...I work very hard on my issues and I think I done a
decent job with my child..the best I could, when I was growing up
no one came to help me, so i grew into an very unhappy adult and
thankfully i got alot of help around the time my child was born,
was I perfect? No but I am a decent good mother who does her best,
in spite of all that happened to me, I did well and that is why I
hate child abusers so much, if i can pick up a book and work on my
issues, so can they! Thank you for that...

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