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He Just Can Not Live Here! Why not?
September 15, 2001
8:52 pm
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Mr. Anonymous
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My problem goes back to my childhood. At the tender age of nine my life was changed forever when I was molested by my best friend's cousin. I spent the night at my friend's house and this 20 year old man was there. He said we'd be getting "pranked" as he termed it if we went to sleep. I being tired, forgot and went to sleep, and I got "pranked" alright. He proceeded to molest me. The trouble comes in because I am in my second year of college. I have an apartment and even after the incident, I've remained friends with my friend. The apartments are run by the university and his mother has requested that he and I share the same apartment next semester. I really can't do it. I see my attacker's face when I look at him. Just his presence is enough to trigger feelings of fear hatred and anger about the incident. I've only even kept the friendship going because he's a very good friend yet even today at age 23 I wake up sometimes in sweat and fearful. I know it's not his fault. How can I stop my mind from his reminding me of his cousin? HELP ME PLEASE! I'm almost crying as I write this!

September 15, 2001
10:01 pm
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pg lova
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Mr. Anonymous,

As a firm believer in God, I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that as long asyou rest safely in the arms of God, everything will be all right. In His word, God gave us a blessed promise and that promise was never to leave us alone. So, I exort you that as long as God is in heaven sitting high and looking low, everything is okay. As for your friend, you clearly understand that it was not his fault. So don't take it out on him. Go to a counselor or join a support group and state what you have stated here.

God Bless,

PG Lova

September 16, 2001
1:52 am
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counslr336
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I do not understand what you mean by your statement that you have to be in the same dorm with your friend just because his mother has requested that you and him bunk together.You are not staying at the holiday inn.It is up to you to decide!!! If he reminds you of the past, by all means , stay away from him.

September 16, 2001
8:48 am
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philter
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Mr anonymous you are in charge of your life and you are the one that determines what directions that it will take.You are 23 years old and you are an adult.As you know , the images never dissappear of what we were traumatised with in childhood . You will be reminded of what happened to you by , smells , actions , situations , and other people your entire life , it is how you yourself deal with these moments that is important for you . From what you have written you seem to be handling life quiet well for your age , you obviously have chosen a direction to go in your life . An option you could consider is to tell your friend and his mother that you do not want to be put into a situation where as your college study would suffer , and that you feel that if your friend moves in with you , you may become lazy in your study habits and rather than tempt fate , I would prefer not to have a room mate as such . Another option is to be truthful to your friend and his mother , tell them what happened to you and how it has effected your life , and though you truely value the friendship the memories of what happened are still difficult for you to deal with and you feel that it would not be a good idea for the two of you to share an apartment together.In regards to you and yor childhood I would recommend that you see someone that specialises in dealing with people that have been sexually abused e.g. Psychologist , Counsellor , or group therapy . In my own experience of long term sexual abuse , I found that working with Group therapy under the guidance and teaching of a very good Psychologist to be the best way to learn different aspects of dealing with your past , you would learn a great deal by doing this as well it would be a great asset for you in your college years and the years of your life there-after.Hoping that I was of some help to you . See ya later mate!

September 16, 2001
12:44 pm
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Molly
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You must take care of you. It is your life, your choice, your consequence. You can please some of the people some of the time, or take care of you.

September 16, 2001
6:12 pm
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Mr. Anonymous
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I can understand where you all are coming from when you say that and I thank you for the advice. The only reason I haven't made it clear that I don't want him living there, well there are a lot of reasons. One, my brother is living with me too and he is excited about our friend staying there. My brother and I are very close and I could get a separate apartment but I'm more comfortable with him living there. Two his mom was told about the incident when it happened. I made it a point to tell on my attacker because I was disgusted with what he did. All she said was "don't do it anymore." That was it. So if I tell her her response would just be oh don't worry about it I took care of it. But nothing will ever "take care of it" it seems right now. Three being that I'm in school full time my mom is paying for housing for my brother and I. I'm just working enough to buy groceries and pay the bills in the apartment. So anything my mother says goes. She will likely want it where he stays there and since she's paying, she has the final say so. To this day she doesn't know everything that happeend though I only told her some of the stuff so I wouldn't upset her too badly. Now don't get me wrong if necessary I could pay my own way but she insisted so that I wouldn't be burning myself out in school and then working full time. If I tell my Mom these things, they will likely cause her great distress beyond belief. I don't want her worrying about me. I've kept this bottled up inside of me for so long and it has been eating me alive. I guess if I get help I can try to adjust, because what happened wasn't his fault. I'e been a little reluctant to go to counseling because talking to another person face-to-face concerning all of the details that happened that night mill trigger a panick attack in me. I'm still deciding now, how will I handle what has happened.

September 16, 2001
7:45 pm
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philter
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Mr anonymous , the best way to deal with the issues that rule your life is to confront them . One thing you must realise is , that when you close a door another will open for you . YOU don't know what is behind the next door until you open it . I went my whole life being afraid to open doors because of what happened to me , it takes a lot of courage to break free from a safe haven . I did't tell my mother what had happened to me until last year , I now have a bond with my mother that is indiscribale , for when I told her what had happened , my mother told me what had happened to her , man , she had suffered abuse through her childhood as well that was inflicted by her father , as well to make it worse was the fact that this family had adopted her . The best way to handle this mty friend is to confront your issues . I did't tell my mother what happened to me for fear of distroying her , now my mother understands me and respects me for who I am , she was happy to see me reach this stage of personal growth. In respect to proffessional help , please don't be afraid these people chose their career especially to help people such as you and myself , they will not judge you by who you are or by what had happened to you , these people are there to help you find the answers to your issues and to provide guidance for you , they are not here to tell you what to do . If they feel they can not help you they should refer you to someone else they feel could be of help to you . Believe me this is a very long process regarding the circumstances and it will take a lot of working out . I took the plunge of seeking help a few years back , I still have not found all my answers but I have created great change in my life and my families life. Don't put off seeking help any longer , stop tormenting your self and get your life in order , the mind is a very powerful organism and it can sometimes look for an easy answer to it's turmoil (suicide for example)
I contemplated suicide several times through my life . and I have overpowered it , to suicide is to give satisfaction only to your perpertrators .You are a strong person and you can only get stronger through activating personal growth within you and those around you .

September 16, 2001
10:45 pm
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pg lova
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Mr. Anonymous,

Don't think twice about therapy, it's there to help you. Do you try breathing when you have these intense panic attacks? In fact, the therapist could possibly show you how to relax when you confront these issues. Remember, God is in control & HE KNOWS WHAT LIES AHEAD! Because of that we have an assurance that although the circumstance may seem overwhelming, he is working with us to bring us out of it. Remember "God is my refuge and strength and a very present help in times of trouble."

God Bless,

PG Lova

September 17, 2001
2:37 pm
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Mr. Anonymous
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Thanks philter, you really do understand, not saying that everyone else doesn't but reading your post sounds like my life replaying only I haven't sought help. Thank you too PG for your guidance. My faith in God is very strong it seems sometimes like that's all I've got. I'm still thinking about the proper way to tell my parents. With counseling, I'm gonna bite the bullet and set up an appointment. This will be the hardest thing I have ever done. I've been in counseling before for other issues: low self-esteem, depression, maintaining healthy relationships with other people, but never in all of my life have i ever revealed my being molested to anyone, and I sensored it a lot for my mom and my friend's mother. Well, there is one other person, and that's my ex-best friend. He was talking to me one day and he began saying things about me being close to a girl named Kia. I told him it was true because she knew a lot of stuff about me. He replied "she knows you were raped as a child." I, not thinking replied "she doesn't know that." He began bragging about how he tricked me into telling him. I didn't want him to know it and I tried to hide it as best I could, and when he said he thought it happened, I told him no, but he had to keep prying until it slipped out. It's like I know it'll be all right but on the other hand, I'm still nervous. Don't get me wrong I'm still going to go forth with the counseling because I know that's what I need to do to get help. But, it will probably still trigger the panic attacks that arise within me at even the mention of the assault. I mean, even now, I am extremely uneasy writing it. But, I've resolved to go to counseling and I plan to go forth! My faith is stronger than my fears. But, now how do I handle the panic attacks?

September 17, 2001
7:10 pm
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philter
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MR ANONYMOUS unreal mate , good on you , You have brought back tears to my eyes I DO KNOW HOW YOU FEEL AND HOW APPREHENSIVE YOU ARE AT THIS MOMENT DON'T BACK OFF NOW go for it the best thing you will ever do is to spit it all out . I broke down fully on my first session and I recieved all the support and guidance to help me through at the time . These people are there to help you . As for your ex friend (thats all he is what he thinks does not matter and that goes for the others as well)they are not important . You are the one that matters here and it is how you think of yourself that is really important , This is the time that you find out who your true friends are and this is the time that you will generate new caring friendships as these friends will be the one's that will know you for the true caring person you are . You are an adult now and what others think of your values is irrelevant to your wellbeing . iN RELATION TO YOUR PANIC ATTACKS I still get panic attacks myself at different times the best way to confront them is to sit back for a minute focus on your breathing , take nice slow deep breaths(don't forget to breath out) then ask yourself why you are having this panic attack them reassure yourself that you can easily handle this situation . The more you confront these issues that upset you the easier it gets believe me . I used to get panic attacks so bad that I just could't do what I HAD TO DO on a couple of occasions I DROVE TO WORK PARKED DIRECTLY OUT THE FRONT of my workplace and sat there all day to scared to move . That is all behind me now and you can put this all behind you . One other thing that is important for you is this , if you are not comfortable with the counsellor you are with find another one that you can relate to don'T GIVE UP . All the best and I'LL BE WITH YOU THERE IN THE ROOM AS YOU GO THROUGH THE PROCESS.

September 21, 2001
10:07 am
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philter
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how was your counselling mr anonymous

September 22, 2001
10:13 am
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Mr. Anonymous
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Counseling has been going all right for me philter, thanks for your conern and support. I'm doing a lot better now, maybe I haven't dealt with all of the issues that will affect me, but I am dealing one by one. As for my friend, I haven't even begun to think that one through yet. I haven't even told the counselor about it yet. I guess that's another mountain I'll have to climb and maybe I might get over. I mean, he is a good friend, but what happened will always remain a fact and I must ask myelf, is that really something I'd like to go through? Is it really conducive to my emotional health that he live here? If I can't answer yes to either of these questions maybe he should just be my neighbor, I'll still visit him. I just don't think my nerves can take him living here. Thanks again, and I'll continually keep you posted on my progress.

September 22, 2001
4:49 pm
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lover2000
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Glad to hear it Mr. A. Keep on going the way you are, you are going in a positive direction. Its good you're starting to move on.

September 27, 2001
1:34 pm
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Mr. Anonymous
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Hey all. I'm back again. My friend and his Mom came to visit today and again I felt the panic attack take place. I thought I was making progress, but it feels now like I'm back at square 1. What now? When he entered the apartment, my heart started beating out of my chest. I couldn't hardly stand being in the same room with him. I gotta find a nice way to say "Hey you're my friend but I still got issues with what happened to me. You're not responsible for what your cousin did, but even seeing you reminds me of the attack against my body." I'm still working through it. Sometimes, I feel I'm fighting an uphill battle, but I will get through somehow.

September 27, 2001
5:32 pm
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Ladeska
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That's "precisely" what you do and say. Badda boom. This is YOUR life and it's under extreme stress, so in times of this kind of emergency - you take care of business. None of this stuffing it under the carpet and patting everyone else's boo-boo's and feelings down. Um no. It's time for you to take front and center stage and if no one understands - that's just too bad.

Enough is enough.

So say it, don't stutter, mean it and act on it. You don't have to do alot of "explaining" to anyone. It's a sensitive issue, you owe no one anything but whatever you feel like telling them and only IF - it feels safe to do so.

If your friend takes it wrong - that's his problem. Right now - he'll have to deal with that because all your strength needs to be put forth in helping YOU. If he's a friend - he will sort it out and come back to being your friend and understanding the best of his ability.

Times like this - shows us - who's who in our lives. So, head up, shoulders back - claim your rights to hurt, to seek guidance, help, peace, comfort, boundaries and the right to "go figure" and not have any answers. No codependency allowed here, okay?? (smile) You are not responsible for how any of these people take your need for boundaries right now. Ain't your problem. Leave it at their door. They are big boys and girls. They will figure it out. Okay??? 80% of your time and energy is for you right now - whatever is left over is divided up between whatever has to be second.

September 27, 2001
11:45 pm
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Mr. Anonymous
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Hi Ladeska, youre right there. The battle now is getting the nerve. I knew I had problems but until I really searched deep within myself, I didn't know it existed. Then, the memories came back vague. And well, everytime I see my friend, I remember how my tormentors did me. I am presently undergoing "systematic desensitization." Have you heard of that? Hopefully that'll get me to where Ineed to be then Ill get the nerve.

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