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He just called me...
December 28, 2005
11:30 pm
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Anonymous
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Why, oh why, did I answer the damn phone??? He had been drinking. The conversation started out pleasantly enough, but then he says things like, "what's the matter, you don't like me anymore?" What kind of question is that? And, "You don't seem very responsive anymore." It's called detachment, ya moron! (I didn't say that)

He told me all the things that were "wrong" with me, that I was a hypocrite (his fav word), and that he was easy to get along with. So why did I have to rehash the past everytime we talked? What a moron!!! We've never RESOLVED the past, never even talked about it (it's been 5 months).

What the hell is he doing? I told him it was important for me to have someone in my life who I could respect. And he said, "So now I'm not good enough for you?" I can't win with this guy! I calmly said, "No, I never said that. I love so many things about you, but there are things in my life that I will not tolerate, and verbal/emotional abuse is one of those, and you have yet to even acknowledge your part in that." He says, "Oh, so you're raising the bar, your standards are higher now, so I'll NEVER measure up then." Can you believe this guy??? Twists and turns my words into something I did not say. Since when did knowing what I want from a relationship and asking for it make me "holier than thou". That's what he said I was doing when I calmly relayed to him what was important to me. After all, I was married for 18 years to a guy who NEVER even attempted to meet my needs, so I won't go back there ever again!!! What's wrong with knowing what you want and laying it out there? Am I doing this all wrong?

Please, he messed with my head again, and turned everything around on me, so *I* turn into the one who is ruining everything. Am I being too hard on him by telling him what I need and expect. For crying out loud, we dated for 2 years! It's not a new relationship.

I ended the phone call by saying "I gotta go. " And he got all sarcastic, and said, "Yea, well you go then, whatever!" He's lucky I stayed on the phone with him as long as I did. But I was just being nice. I really DID NOT want to talk to him. I am well on my way OUT of this mess, and am getting tired of allowing myself to get sucked back in on his whims!

Somebody give it to me straight! My head is swimming:(

December 28, 2005
11:48 pm
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15 minutes later...he just called back to "apologize". Whatever! I've had enough of this nonsense!

I asked him what he was sorry for? He acted like he didn't know. I said, "Are you saying I'm sorry just so I'll shut up?" He hasn't heard a WORD I've said. He's drunk, and obviously having a weak moment. He's too stubborn to have called me any other time.

I just want a guy who can effectively communicate. If he had called me and said, "Look, I'm sorry for the way I've acted and treated you in the past, and I'm working on that, and I really want this to work, what do you need from me?" How much BETTER could we move forward (which is what he wants to do). But instead, MAJOR DENIAL on his part. I'm telling you, he ONLY called to apologize to get me to shut up. Not because he's sorry about anything!

Geesh!!!

December 29, 2005
12:43 am
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sdesigns
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Hi Plz: Its kinda like putting the horse after the cart when these breakups happen. It seems sometimes we really get to know a person after they are gone. These episodes and phone calls are so revealing, don't you think?

It doesn't sound like your exbf is ever going to get it. So far, you're doing great. SD

December 29, 2005
2:09 am
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Lass
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I've had so many clusterf*ck conversations like this. The best thing you can do sometimes is just listen, write down what he said, and look at it another day to see if it makes any sense.

December 29, 2005
5:12 am
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snowlover
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Hi Plz...I know how you feel honey. Thats the EXACT same way mine talks to me. By the time youre done talking to them even YOU arent sure what you said, or what you were trying to say. I call mine a master manipulator, and it sounds like maybe yours is a little like that too?

Im so sorry you had to deal with that. I know how much it can mess with your head. You didnt do anything wrong on that call that i saw. Something Ive recently learned thru counseling is that these types of men dont really care when you tell them theyve hurt you. They arent like "normal" men. It doesnt truly bother them to hurt other people. They are more interested in their own pleasure, and what THEY can get from someone or a situation.

Maybe something to think about?

Hugs for you........Snow

December 29, 2005
6:51 am
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nvr2late
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I am sorry you had to hear all that! I finally (FINALLY) stopped listening, but when I do have to talk to him about the kids...he still tries it and it gets to me!!!!

He said the other day on the day before Xmas eve...that the kids did not want to be with me because my house is boring.....it literally ruined about 3 hours of my day!!

My response was this...'You are just MEAN, I don't know what this does for you, but you should search inside your heart and find out what makes you that way.'

Better than arguing, he is getting the picture, because when I got the kids on Xmas eve, he tried to KISS me...I patted his face (to divert the kiss) and said...'have a nice Xmas'

It felt really good!

Just don't LISTEN to the crap they have to say, the mind games that they play!!!
It is NOT worth losing any PART of your life (even 3 hours) to these people that do not have an IDEA of what they are doing, or they just don't care!!!!

2 years....that is TOO many hours of wasted life!
Stay strong!
nvr2late

December 29, 2005
8:02 am
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snowleopard
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I used to do this all the time. I used to listen to my ex when he'd been drinking and then try to analyse what he'd said. It CAN'T be done. THEY don't make any sense. It's ALL meaningless.

They will leave you an emotional wreck, they'll forget most of what they've said and then they'll go out have another drink (or fifteen - whatever) and be nice to everyone else - except the one person who cares the most for them.

A recovered alcoholic (he hadn't drunk for a number of years) once told me - never try to listen to him once he's had a drink - it's pointless. Wait until he's sober. (Although that rarely happened in the end).

Save yourself time and emotional pain and don't listen to him when he's drunk. Think of yourself. Say something like "I won't talk to you when you're drunk - goodbye". That way you'll save yourself so much emotional turmoil.

December 29, 2005
10:07 am
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turnabout
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Lass ** great idea. A lot of conversations with my ex were online and through e-mail. Someone told me I should delete them, but I'm glad I didn't. In my last conversation with him, he accused me of saying things I had never said and told me I expected things which I had never expressed to him. I went back to my records just to prove it to myself. It really helped me sort out the crazymaking.

snowleopard ** I back your advice. My new philosophy is to never get involved in these deep conversations with my ex (or anyone I'm involved with) while he's drunk. It's pointless.

I've been there, plz. Some of the things your ex said sound frighteningly familiar ... word for word. It sucks BIGTIME! Here's a little insight. He looks down on himself so bad that he's projecting it onto you, believing that YOU are looking down on him. He thinks he's reacting to you, but he's really reacting to himself. That's what makes it so confusing, how he can twist your words around. That's why it doesn't matter what you say, you can't win. He can't hear what you're really saying through the cacophony of his own self-degredation. It's sad really. Makes me sad every time I think of my ex and all he's missing out on b/c of this same thing.

December 29, 2005
11:36 am
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Thanks guys! It's so nice to have my feelings validated here by people who understand and have been there themselves. I obviously needed to vent last night and blow off steam. And it's so great to have this place and all of you to bounce things off of because our ex's can twist things around so much that we forget what we believed in the first place.

I hate it when I allow him to do that to me! But I do feel like I have grown and progressed. I don't let him KNOW that he is getting to me. I remain calm and matter-of-fact. I think that is one of the things that is driving him nutz. He wants a reaction...any reaction, even if it's negative. He's used to drama, drama, drama in his life, that he has to create it to feel like he's accomplished something.

I feel like I am moving forward in my life, and I am sad that he is choosing to stay behind. But we all have choices, and I am making mine. I got an email this morning from him (guess he's got a clearer head now), and all he said was, "I think about you all the time. I love and miss you so much." Now what do you think the coda in me wants to do???? Awwwwwwwww, poor thing...I'm being too hard on him. He's had it so rough the past couple of years. I should be more compassionate, forgiving, and understanding. And then, I give myself a quick REALITY check, and say to myself, "Self, chin up, girl!!! You ARE the most compassionate, forgiving, understanding person I know! He's lucky you are still talking to him when he calls. Give yourself a chance at real happiness, and WAIT on the guy that can meet at least your basic needs of respect, honesty, and open communication. You deserve to be loved that way!"

I have to believe he is just around the corner!!!! *grin*

Love and hugs to all who responded here. I respect your opinions so much!!! plz~

December 29, 2005
12:16 pm
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lollipop3
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((((Plz))))),

I'm sorry that you had to deal with this. You have been doing so well, please try not internalize the things that he has said to you.

They are the words of a drunk person.

You are doing the right thing for yourself. As you know, it is impossible to have any type of mature, fulfilling relationship with an active alcoholic (or a dry one if they don't get help.)

Stay strong and keep doing what your doing.

Love,
Lolli

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