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He is not the one!
April 12, 2007
2:14 pm
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fantas
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This is my first time here. I definitely have codependency tendencies but I am trying to do better. I have an insane to this men who is unavailable, distant, uncommunicative and all that. I do know that it is an unhealthy attraction and for this reason I do not pursue a relationship with him but we are in close proximity because we have attend the same faith group and participate in the same activities. I just need to be able to not think of him and not feel attached to him at an emotional level because it is exhausting. Atleast I have learned not to try and date him I just need to learn how to turn off the emotion attached to him. To the best of my knowledge I don't believe he knows just how much I feel about him. I know that he does like me but I am not sure in what sense he likes me, but it doesn't really matter, amd relationship with this person would be a painful one for me. This is know. Any thoughts?

April 12, 2007
2:57 pm
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mj
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Hi fantas! Welcome to the site. I believe that we all have our own answers within, if we just ask ourselves to be honest and feel what we feel. I too have codependency issues and I am learning to trust myself. It takes lots of practice and reaching out to trusted friends who can help by listening and helping me discover what is right for me. I hope that you learn that you can trust yourself too!

April 12, 2007
3:23 pm
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nancee
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I have struggled with the same bad choices forever it seems. I am always drawn to the guys who do not communicate well, won't discuss their feelings, and keep me at a distance. On the other hand, if a guy is available and wants to be with me, I feel suffocated and scared to death. I am working on getting past this but still don't quite know how. I guess we just have to keep trying and give the good guys a chance.

April 12, 2007
3:58 pm
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confusedandsad
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my husband who I left 6 months ago after 17 years who is in counseling now ..says that his abusive behavior came from the fact that he was not able to communicate his feelings

I dont think Ill ever be the same again.....

just food for thought....good luck trust yourself....

April 12, 2007
5:01 pm
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fantas
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Thank you everyone for sharing your experiences and thoughts. It feels great to read what you've all written. I will working hard at not second guessing myself and trusting my instict. I tell you it's so frustrating to feel like I'll never get it but I am determined to heal myself enough to appreciate a "normal" relationship with no drama or theatrics. I left an abusive relationship almost 4 years ago and swore that I'd not get into another one until I figured myself out. I have been working on healing my wounds from an abusive mother when I was young. I feel like I am making progress but times like this I wonder.

April 12, 2007
5:53 pm
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lettingo
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fantas,
Wanted to first say welcome to this site. Just wondering if you have ever gotten treatment for codependancy. I don't believe it just goes away or gets better without some kind of treatment. I belive we co-dependants will continually be drawn to the same men. Unfortunately, I speak from experience. I am presently in therapy, and attend alanon reguarily. I just divorced my addict husband and am now too afraid I will jsut end up with another charming in the end addict of some kind. Or unavailable, abusive, etc., etc. It has been a pattern or mine for many years. For many of us we complain that we want to be intimate or close to someone but we always pick men who are unavilable in some way. Through theraphy I found out I am the one who is unable to be close to someone which explains nancess comment that when someone is available I feel suffocated. My suggestion, read as much as you can on the subject and get any help you can.

April 13, 2007
2:04 am
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fantas
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Lettingo,
Thank you, Yes I have been getting all kinds of help and I realize that I have a lot of work to do but I am not where I used to be. I just found a CoDA group here I will start going to it. I pray that I can learn how to be in a healthy and fulfilling relationship. I have definitely learned how not to be in the wrong onr even if I find myself still attracted to the same people. I am willing to stay alone for a very long time. It's just so frustrating when my emotions get attached to the wrong person and I still obsess over them from a distance. It is simply insane.

April 15, 2007
7:13 pm
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fantas
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Well, I need to write here just to make myself feel better today. The codependency tendency continue in my world. This guy my heart is so caught up with seems to be unable to speak his heart. I on the other hand can't seem to want to tell him how I feel yet I spend time with him almost everyday in a reading group, just the two of us. The strange thing is while we are reading all feels okay, it's when I leave that I start to feel the anxiety. Earlier on, we had a short hot and heavy, relationship that was on and off and then we decided to stop that due to our religious convictions but we never really addressed the emotions that led us there in the first place. It feels like we are both so afraid of committment, or maybe I should say that I am so afraid of being hurt that I will not ask go into the relationship conversation. I know I sound confused and I feel confused and just so upset with myself for not having the courage to deal with this head on. I mean the worst that could happen would be that we never get together and maybe remain good friends or maybe we may have to let go of this sort of thing that is going one. It's so insane, and I have no sense of how to deal with it. Does anyone know what I am talking about? Any thoughts? I would apapreciate it greatly!

April 18, 2007
11:00 pm
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fantas
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Well, I have to say, thanks to the many threads on this site, and talking to a sponsor, I have regained my equilibrium atleast for now. I figured out that I have several anxieties about school and life and I was not doing the physocal exercises I need to and my codependency was triggered by this man. I started running, talking to my sponsor, and to everyone here, I went Salsa dancing and reconnected with my friends and all of a sudden I didn't care whether this guy was in the reading group or not. I guess addictions are the same no matter what. They are cunning and if I am not dilligent I will find myself in this place again. I want to thank all those who wrote to me on this site. I have work to do on me. If nothing else, I learned this week that I have to keep doing my self worth work and self affirmations.

April 23, 2007
4:46 pm
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fantas
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Lightbulb moment, I was writing on another thread and finally it occured to me, this guy, I obsess over and who says he loves me, does love me but not enough to do anything about it or pursue a relationship!!! Bingo!!! That's just not okay by me. I will feel the sad feelings and move on...Thank you all for sharing your stories.

April 23, 2007
4:50 pm
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lucyloo
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Fantas-
Lightbulb moments are great - just don't forget how you feel right now. Because I've had these moments too and then feel better for a time but then somehow got myself sucked right back in.

Mine says he loves me too - and has SAID so many things but there has been NO ACTION on those things.

ACTION is the key. If they really love you and want you then love should conquer all.

If you are seeing no action then he really isn't the one..

Take care

April 23, 2007
6:18 pm
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fantas
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Lucyloo, I hear you! I will try and be dillegent and make very clear boundaries for myself. What is that about? Saying I love you and just not acting it out? I just get so confused with it. I told this guy that I didn't know what he means when he says he loves me unconditionally...a bunch of bs if you ask me.

April 23, 2007
7:29 pm
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soprano2
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I agree with your lightbulb statement. You deserve much better if that is what you want.

Active pursuit is so wonderful to feel when it is with the right person!!!

Actions will always speak louder than words. And good for you telling him that you didn't know what he meant by loving you unconditionally.....you should tell him to look that up in the dictionary.

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