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He is driving me crazy!
May 8, 2006
10:10 pm
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Cooper
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Hubby and I went to couseling, things started to look like we could work on things. I have been on this freaking rollercoaster of emotions, leave - stay!
I finally decided to try it one more time. I must be nuts. We went to counseling and he comes home and tells me how I took over the session. That the counselor and me are against him. That we told him what a bad person he is. I am the one supposedly getting treatment for my depression, not him, so why do we tell him what he is doing wrong.
Tells me he loves me, doesn't want me to leave even after I "attack" him at the meeting. If I could just lose weight he could actually show me how much he loves me, but he is too disgusted looking at me ( he wants me to look like the woman he had an affair with last year) and will not be able to give me the relationship I need to feel loved until I meet his requirements, yet says this in not a conditional request. Then he tells me he can't understand why I don't initiate sex. Make him feel needed and desirable. Come on guys am I crazy or is he? I am not overweight and why should it matter if he loves me? How can I even try to have a sexual encounter with him thinking he is disgusting looking at me. Today the counselor suggested I get out of this relationship as soon as possible. She can see how the emotional and mental abuse is affecting me but for some reason I just keep hoping things will change. AT my last posting I had finally decided to leave, then he talked me out of it. What is wrong with me???? Sorry I have no one else to vent too right now and I feel like I could scream! Will i ever be able to break away from this?

May 8, 2006
10:30 pm
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Anonymous
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Cooper, welcome to this site, and YES, you can break away, if it truly is something you want to do. We have the gift of choice, we just have to utilize it.

Do you feel like you are defined by what he thinks of you? Do you feel the need to feel "validated" by him? When you say you wish for change, do you mean for HIM to change?

One thing I have learned, (more than once), is that we can not and do not have the power to change or mold anyone, except for ourselves. Once we accept that we cannot control the situation, then we can work on gaining back our self respect, and do what we have to do take care of US, not the other.

We tend to get so wrapped up in our *dream*, of what we wished it could be, but we continue to be disappointed, over and over again.

ACCEPTANCE is the key, and the beginning of the road to our recovery. We either have to accept our situations for what they are, or leave, because either way, it will not change. So if you choose to stay, be prepared for the same patterns to continue. If you choose to leave, then there's the opportunity to find what it is you are truly looking for. But first, you need to find that within yourself.

You have innerstrength, even if you are not aware of it. It's just a matter of claiming it, and taking control of it, since ourselves are the ONLY thing we can control.

I hope this doesn't come off as too harsh or offensive. I just feel the need to reachout to you, and let you know that you are NOT alone by a long shot!!

Take Care,

Jennifer

May 9, 2006
10:39 pm
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Cooper
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Sometimes I am not sure what i want. I wanted for years to have the perfect marriage and we did at first. Then something changed. I am the caregiver, always wanting everyone to be happy. Then things changed, I have just sat and reviewed the past and realized it has been coming on for sometime. I just didn't see it. He blames me for the change, but i am starting to stand up for myself and he doesn't like. I hate what he has turned me into and what he is now.
I guess I did want him to change and I do know that I can't make that happen. I just need to make sense of this and i don't believe it is possible...

May 9, 2006
10:55 pm
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Anonymous
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Well, Cooper, if you are anything like me, than you have been putting ALOT of effort into this, to change the unchangeable, only to find that this has changed YOU! And we have accepted this a little TOO easily.

I'm going to find one of my threads for you, titled, "Is this, (or was this) really Happiness? TRUE happiness?" If you wish to view this, then click on it, then go to the top of the page, and click on "view first post", or "view all posts". Let me know if you can relate to it. If you can, then you and I really ARE alike!

I'll go find this now, and bump it to the top!

Jennifer

May 10, 2006
4:29 am
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occy
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oh how i so relate to all your threads.
while i am now "free" i am still bound!
but i will win - i will be me. i will not be the rescuer/ caregiver/ helper.
no matter how much my mind screams to be so!
kia kaha - be strong

May 10, 2006
9:11 am
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taj64
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The thing about change is not everyone around you will or can adapt to new change even if good change. It is important for you to know what is right for you and work on what feels happy to you. He cannot change if he doesn't want to. Maybe it is too soon for him to adjust to your big changes. Only time will tell. I think it is crazy that he judges you on the way you look especially when you feel good about yourself and he is not seeing this. It is his insecurity with himself that is the problem. Dont allow anyone even your own husband to allow yourself to feel bad about who you are. He should be so lucky to have someone like you who is strong and determined to have good in your life. He will drown you if he doesn't change or grow with you. But only you can make that decision to leave him. The stronger you get, the less appealing he may become. You will break away but in your own time, when you are ready. And after you hear the sweet talk being repeated and repeated without ever having changed, after awhile it does lose it meaning and then they are just words. I don't think you are that point. You are not ready and hearing and venting is good for now.

May 10, 2006
9:59 am
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StronginHim77
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Dear Cooper,

This man sounds mentally "off." I am not a doctor, but his reaction to the counseling session, (that you "attacked" him...that you and the counselor "ganged up" on him), sounds like classic "Borderline Personality Disorder" and/or Narcissism. He is also trying to skip around his guilt over betraying you by having that affair. Does he even FEEL (or has he expressed) any guilt or remorse for committing adultery?

His verbal attack about your appearance (weight issue?) is also totally unacceptable. I could understand, if you were obese. But he is probably no Adonis, himself, is he? How sad that he would be so insecure over his own sexual ability that he has to (1) have an affair; and (2) lay the responsibility for his lack of sexual aggression in the marriage on your alleged overweight? This is a mighty disturbed man. Small wonder that you are in treatment for depression: YOU ARE LIVING WITH THE CAUSE OF IT.

Is there any way you can get physically away from him for awhile? Even just to get things into perspective and have a well-earned rest from his verbal/emotional abuse?

You sound like a might good woman to me. Take care of yourself and stay in therapy. You need all the support you can get.

- Strong

May 15, 2006
9:20 pm
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Cooper
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Hey everyone, been away for a few days, just getting back into the swing of things. I came back on our anniversary (23 yrs) total 25. He forgot. He was drinking when I got home. Today he brings me flowers and lunch to my job and then tonight tells me I really need to see a doctor to get my hormones under control and though he wasn't being "sarastic" said he could not understand why I didn't want to lose the weight so we could have relationship again. HA! I am away for 5 days, slept like a baby, had a great time with my girlfriends in Las Vegas (so. yes Strong, I did get away, and it was great!) and tho he only called me twice to see how I was and what I was doing, I thought (now this is crazy, I know!)that he would miss me and realize how much he needed me in his life. Geez, how stupid.
I am the caregiver, compassionate, and sensitive, but you are right, I am getting this tough shell. I am beginning to see me change. Being more aggravated and less frustrated. How do you women finally just get up and walk out? It is one day you just say I'm outta here? out the door.... I know it is not the fear of being without a man, as I have many wonderful friends, I think I am just worrying about him going further down the tubes. Even his friends are telling me to get out. I must really be blind to all this. I just don't understand how I don't see it. I read what I write when I am venting and later think what is wrong with this person.
Jennifer, I'll look up your posting, thanks!

May 15, 2006
9:20 pm
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Cooper
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Hey everyone, been away for a few days, just getting back into the swing of things. I came back on our anniversary (23 yrs) total 25. He forgot. He was drinking when I got home. Today he brings me flowers and lunch to my job and then tonight tells me I really need to see a doctor to get my hormones under control and though he wasn't being "sarastic" said he could not understand why I didn't want to lose the weight so we could have relationship again. HA! I am away for 5 days, slept like a baby, had a great time with my girlfriends in Las Vegas (so. yes Strong, I did get away, and it was great!) and tho he only called me twice to see how I was and what I was doing, I thought (now this is crazy, I know!)that he would miss me and realize how much he needed me in his life. Geez, how stupid.
I am the caregiver, compassionate, and sensitive, but you are right, I am getting this tough shell. I am beginning to see me change. Being more aggravated and less frustrated. How do you women finally just get up and walk out? It is one day you just say I'm outta here? out the door.... I know it is not the fear of being without a man, as I have many wonderful friends, I think I am just worrying about him going further down the tubes. Even his friends are telling me to get out. I must really be blind to all this. I just don't understand how I don't see it. I read what I write when I am venting and later think what is wrong with this person.
Jennifer, I'll look up your posting, thanks!

May 18, 2006
1:41 pm
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flutechick
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Hi Cooper:
Yep it is as easy as walking out. After 19 years of marriage (22 alltogether) My ex's drugging and drinking was out of control and he always hassled me about my weight. I lost 55 pounds and he didn't even notice until one of his lewd friends made a sick comment. Then he became super paranoid and wouldn't let me out of the house. So, I had to do a 2 hour grab 'n go. Had to plan it carefully for a while though. It was brutal, but in that case I saw it as the only way to survive. I've been "out" for 20 months and he thought I'd be back in 2 weeks. I am in the final throws of the divorce. He's strongarmed me at every turn and even though he has a good full time job he gives me a total of $16.00/mo for my fourteen year old and thinks he's a righteous holy man. I am surviving on a part-time wage. It doesn't matter, I'm free from "looking after him" and riding his rollercoaster. It was tough, but I've also had lots of wonderful "growth" things happen too. It is amazing what you can accomplish when you can finally live the life you were meant to have. You just have to know when you've had enough. I only wish I'd done it sooner. However, I'm making up for lost time now. Great friends and support are a must. Good luck!

May 18, 2006
2:51 pm
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taj64
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Sometimes all it takes is one spark or that "last time" and it can be as easy as walking out. Sometimes you have to be very tough and go through the motions of walking away without even thinking about it. It is hard but some people just know when their last straw is. For me, it was stealing the tax refund, simple thing like that. And that was the straw that broke the camel's back.

May 20, 2006
7:32 pm
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Cooper
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I do have great friends and they are very supportative. I have this one friend that is standing there by my side as I call the lawyer and checking on me weekly just to make sure I am remembering all the things he(hubby)has done to me.
I just want this to be over with. I am so tired of fighting for a life that is no more. We did have such a good life at one time and he just threw it out the window.
It just hurts to the core. I would never had done the things he has done to me. I just can't understand how he could to this.
I want to get past the feeling sorry for him and thought if I could just hate him it would be so much easier.

May 23, 2006
3:30 pm
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flutechick
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You know, that is a tricky situation. I can relate to the "feeling sorry" part. I guess because they can't see for themelves how abusive they are and they are so stunned when they first really take a look at themselves. After much counselling, I realised on my own that I mourned the marriage (what could have been, all the potential, and yes there were good times too), but I didn't mourn leaving the person/abuse. It just wasn't getting better.

Now, what will kill the "feeling sorry for him thoughts", at least what started to do it for me, was all the crazy making he would do after I left. 7 phone calls in an hour, shoveling my driveway at 6 a.m. (when he used to tell me to get out there and shovel because I have a big bum...which I do not), flowers, fish fingers (yes he sent a box of fish stick over one day), then the emails!!! However, eventually, when he didn't get what he wanted, the emails got very abusive, very quickly. I just had to wait out the "honeymoon". That is when good friends come in very handy. No matter what financial hardship I am encountering, there is no way I could go back to living the life I was in before. I have become my own person again...only a much more stronger version. I hope you harness the strength that is with in you. It is a real journey.

May 23, 2006
10:40 pm
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Cooper
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Oh, Flutechick!
You do sound like me! I just had a good cry the other day and just prayer that a higher power would just take control. Now I am not a very religious person, but I do believe that there has to be a higher power. Within the next two days, a coworker came to me as he just had a feeling I needed someone to talk too. As it turned out he had gone thru the same thing with his ex. so he started telling me step to take to move on. Alot of what he said made me reflect on what I was going thru. My counselor told me she doesn't normally advise her clients to get out of a marriage but her advice to "take to the hills", get away and fast!
I wasn't sure what I would do or where I would go. A friend offered me a great job opportunity with a great pay increase, has a large home and is offering to let me stay (free until I get on my own two feet good)
I talked to hubby and told him I just can't take the verbal and emotional abuse any more. I am leaving in two weeks. Going to a new job an hoping for a new way of life. It is scary at 48 y/o to start over. But I know i can. I do feel sorry for hubby, but for some reason I feel I will always love him regardless of how he has treated me. I told him tonight, that the problem he is having with my weight is his problem and I don't have to deal with it any longer. That if he can't see what a great person he has right in front of him and all he can see is "fat", then he is the one missing out. I am a great catch to any person, that I want to be number one is someones life and feel loved and needed, and not just to cook, clean and pay the bills. I want someone that will be there in my time of need, help me with my disabled mother and be there to laugh with in good times too! He said he can't handle being around disabled or sick people, he will not be there to help with my mother and if I could just understand how if I lose the weight everything will be alright. HE JUST DOESN'T GET IT! And he is really a smart person.
Anyway today my counselor said I seemed to have worked out the issues I had and was moving in the right direction and didn't need to return. I guess I am scared of that too. I just don't feel I have conquered all these feelings of insecurity. But I have too. I can't let him control my life any more.
I am sure the hard part is not past yet...still got to call the lawyer to get'er done.
I do have strength that has been hidden so long. But i used it once I will use it again to get through this. I just hope I can keep this faith and strength I am feeling right now.

May 24, 2006
3:29 pm
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flutechick
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Cooper,
It is tough to start again. I left at age 38. I've noticed that age doesn't affect things that much. I feel young and vibrant (now 40). I feel like I am experiencing life in a new way and the boys (14 and 16) are noticing a new mom. It took a little while for them to get used to it, because they were used to me being a drip (or a "cannon ball") on the couch. I feel like I'm an "alive mom"... and not just a mom, but also a woman. I'd felt like a non-entity for the longest time.

A pastoral counsellor once told me that my ex used derogatory comments and basically brainwashed me into thinking that I was completely undesirable and unworthy as a way to keep me with him because he was insecure. Wow, when I realised that he was the one with the insecurity problems, was that ever enlightening. I guess he's had to learn that the one thing that he feared that would happen (me leaving) was caused by the very things he was doing to keep me there.

He's taken courses in anger/violence management, but he still hasn't let go of the myth that he "owns" me. It's been two years and just last week he was yelling to me on the phone that "I'm HIS wife" over and over. Because he never learned the basic principle of letting go, I can't go back. He just will never get it.

After I lost a bunch of weight, I noticed that our problems didn't resolve, in fact they got worse because as the pounds dropped off, my confidence grew. He did not like the positive attention I was getting too. I didn't realise that he was jealous, because I so wanted things to be better I just took the blame. When he couldn't bother me about my weight, he made me feel bad because I didn't work full-time, so I was "less than" the ladies he worked with. I realised that there was never going to be a time where he would be happy with me. Why? Because he wasn't happy with himself.

I've just started to move on into a new relationship. It's not perfect, but I have sure learned a lot about not getting into the patterns I was in before. So far, things are so different and we are taking it very slowly. The best thing is that he respects my autonomy, and I his. Maybe we've found eachother because we have the same perspective. All I know is.... you just never know what's around the corner.

It's been nice talking to you.

May 24, 2006
9:00 pm
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Cooper
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Hi Flutechick,
Thanks for the response....I believe you are right. My hubby seems to be more insecure about his ability to do things these days. He did complain about my weight again and it has been a daily accusation on his part. I finally told him it was his problem and learn to deal with it.
I am looking forward to starting a new life and a new career.
Thanks again!

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