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He Hit Me-
September 7, 2000
7:00 pm
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Tina
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Hi,
I wanted to raise a new issue here; one that perhaps isn't discussed so openly....but you always think it'll never happen to you, and when and if it does, we all have our views and opinons on men hitting women.

Before my b/friend hit me, i had visons that men who hit their women were some kind of retards, who would hit women really hard, and leave her with physical bruises, and would use some form of an instrument....

The reality for me was 'thankfully' not as bad as i had stereotyped it...It was a mere rasing of his had, and a slap.

To this, my knee jerk reaction was "How dare you hit me".....and sadly, my boyfriend saw it as no harm / physical harm done and said that i was over reacting....to cut a long stroy short, i eventually got out of him, why he was not so appologetic to me when he hit me, and he said that he was just so disgusted by his behaviour that he didn't want to face up to it...

Anyway, i asked him to promise me to never to raise his hand again...and do you know what he said...he said that he couldn't promise me,in case i provoke him again!!!

So its all my fault then is it???? Oh ohhhh ohhhh I am crazy i am so mad, for putting up with this crap....

September 7, 2000
7:16 pm
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Molly
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That is BS, and I have heard it before. This was something that my ex, and perhaps soon to be permanently ex, used to say. Most likely his father, or a male figure has done this infront of him. thus the guilt, shame, and the behavior. I had no idea, until I had read some of my spouses writing, which he left for me to read, that he had followed his father's path, who left him at the age of 7-8. Down to the same words!!!!! While we were seperated for the 18 months, he apparently resolved most of his rage. Where as before I left, I knew what would trigger, and what would not, you learn, after the first time. Any how I saw it reappear a few months ago, as he picked up and tossed the puppy, who was getting ready to pee on the floor, it wasn't the same way a non-rageful person would react. I suggested that he figure out what caused it, and put it in check. I am watching the relapse of behavior, it has been 8 months, and the verbal abuse is at a familiar constant, and it is draining me. I would imagine that if things have gotten to where he hit you, and promised to only honor if.... its gone far enough. There is no sense in couple counseling, we tried several before the seperation. The verbal manipulation of a session, is however educational. If you have no children, and you are employeed, I suggest thinking seperatly. this is not right and you know it. Life is too short, and you don't want to waste your life. Since the reconcilliation, I swear I have tried everything, and I am so sorry that I returned. I come first, and I refuse to sink into the depression that domestic violence creates, it is hell, and I should have known better.

September 8, 2000
9:41 am
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Cici
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I've also heard this crap from an abusive boyfriend I had. It's stupid because it's not your fault. You don't raise your hand and hit him even when you're provoked, so he should show you the same courtesy. Unfortunately, most men who are capable of hitting a woman don't have that courtesy in them.

It always starts with something little. A slap, a punch in the arm, a shove. Then they get more aggressive. You think that it will stop, you play it off like it's nothing, and they do it more and more and then you look at yourself and realize thatyou're letting him do it to you. And after all that investment, pain and heartache, most women just stay in teh relationship. It sickens me.

Nip this in the bud right now or you'll be black and blue and your self-esteem will be in the toilet. Set limist, get him out of your life for a while. Punish him so that he knows what he did is wrong.

September 8, 2000
10:45 am
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Tina
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Hi,
Cici,Your email was very touching....I feel so afraid...You see, this is part of my problem too- facing up to it, because I am fearful of his reaction.

As a child, he saw his step father abuse and hit his mother, so i suppose he has picked this up from an early age.

I see what you are saying about the fact that it only gets worse...I am so afraid and feel so weak...after he hit me, he thought that it was my own reaction that was bad (not his).... and now if i bring up this issue with him, he accuses me of bringing up the past, and causing friction...I feel helpless sometimes...the only reassurance i got from him was that next time we get into a heated argument, and he feels his blood rushing to his face, then i should allow him the space to walk away and leave the room (only then can he promise to never hit me again!)

I dunno, i want to punish him, but i am fearful, that his reaction is going to be 'well go then...and leave me alone!'...i want him to work at it...i feel like such a fool, i'm so ashamed to admit this- but i want to seek help, but unless i get it from within me, it'll never work....

Help!!!
confused

September 8, 2000
12:48 pm
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Molly
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Girl, slap your self, wake up and hear what we are trying to tell you. This road leads to ****, your self esteem will get worse, your dna will change, your time is a wasting. This pattern is so familiar, so routine, so common, so sick. there is a cycle, it will continue, I am sure the verbal abuse that led to this is why you even bothered to stay after he hit you. So you let him walk away, that is when the salad bowls get tossed, the frying pans stuck in the wall, the holes in the doors, and the constant living in fear, of the next move, or unexpected reaction to what ever it is that you might say, if you unintentionally prevoke him. This is not the hill you want to die on. This is ingrained behavior that will take lots of time to cure, if it ever gets cured. They are better masters at survival than we are we are to emotional, the pain of the words infact is worse than the slap. This is preaching, screaming, what would you tell your daughter!!!!!!!! RUN and for get him, take some time to heal, and then find some one where you won't be living in fear, and quit trying to talk to him about it, his guilt alone is enough to make him fly off the handle, and as he disconnects the feeling of guilt of hitting you, he disconnects the rest, then the honeymoon, or he will act like he is sick. It may be weeks or months before it happens again, but I sure would not stick around. I did and it almost killed me, not from the physical stuff, but from the emotional devistation that spirals. You think you feel stupid now wait a few more years. That is stupid. Shame, get over it, andyou will once you get out.

September 8, 2000
12:53 pm
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Molly
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PS when you do go, do not tell him where, do not give phone number, do not accept mail, do not let him contact you. He will work you like youve never been worked before. The fantasy kicks in the gifts come, the lover is back, and before you know it, da dah, Heeeeeeeeees back.
If its your place, get a restraining order, change the phone, and locks, and have his stuff in a box on the street, I was told to do this 10 years ago, and thought it to harsh, and so I didn't . That was stupid, and some thing to be ashamed of. I just know how hard it is to find the spirit again, after some one has tried to tame you like an animal. In fact I was thinking of writing my next book, the house broken bitch. It is evil love, save your self.

September 8, 2000
1:02 pm
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Cici
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I remember feeling that constant tate of panick, that hum of nausea in the pit of my stomach. Whenever he came over, to stay at my house for an undetermined length of time eating food I cooked and messing up the house I paid rent for. I would feel this constant edginess.

It's the little things they do to demean you and undermine your self-confidence. They order you around, belittle you in arguments to make themselves feel better. They shove you and punish you for what you don't know because you're walking on eggshells to make sure he won't "do something he can't control".

You don't sit down adn work through abuse with someone. You end the relationship until they can prove that they are healthy after extensive conseling. You fear that he'll just say bye and let you leave? If he lets you leave, then he doesn't care enough about you to try and change himself for the better.

He should want to work to be better. He should want the best for teh relationship, he should want to make thingshappy and maintain peace. He should want to discuss things that bother you, not brush you off like you're a child he can order around.

This isn't love. It's control and fear and submission.

September 8, 2000
6:11 pm
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Molly
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yea , and don't forget the way they twist the conversation, so your sitting there going Huh? until your insane, then they pick on your friends, then they isolate you from them and family, then they don't want you to go to church, then they don't want you to dress like that etc, etc, etc, Now cici, give some words to Cutie 14 she thinks I am mean. 🙂

September 8, 2000
7:51 pm
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Tina
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Hi there!

Ohhh this is painful stuff...really painful....I'm taking a deep breath here...i've got a hell of a lot of thinking to do!!!!

Cici, you know you mentioned that i should punish him...well what is the strategy behind that?...how do i go about doing this? i mean he is away on holidays and is back next week....when he gets back do i play it nice for a few days and then say to him..."I need time away, i need space to think things thru" or what?

I just don't have a viscious streak in me, i'm too nice to him...(maybe that's why he walks over me??)

The thing is i want the r/ship to work...but am afraid that its gonna be a big hurdle to overcome...(I know i know, i'm really kidding myself arn't i???) I am so confused...one min't i'm all strong and saying yeah 'how dare he raise his hand' and the next min't i'm all weak....

Thank you so much for your honesty and your advice. I really appreciate it...

Gosh, i have a lot of growing up to do. I wish i could just click my fingers and it all fall in place....

About me changing my number etc, and the locks and all, well i don't think he'd be that type to come after me with flowers etc...(in fact, he'd prob's say good riddens)...in some way i feel hurt that he won't even come after me, cos inside i want him to come after me if i say i'll end it....i'm feeling so shitty right now...i want to cry...

September 10, 2000
6:00 pm
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Brenda
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Tina, its not easy like these guys are saying, its VERY hard and what it ultimately means is that YOU are the one that needs the help and counselling. You need to understand why you would stay with a man who verbally and physically abuses you, you realise...hey, i guess im willing to put up with this because some part of me needs this to work through something...and some part of me feels familiar with this...
its not hard to run, you feel empty, scard and lonely cause you have placed so much of your self in this relationship and in its potential and your mutual dreams together, after all hes not like this all the time, in fact hes probably charming, nice and sweet and occasionally goes off the deep end leaving you feelng confused and doubting your own self and reality....
been there, still in the relationship that taught me how to love myself, value my own self, feelings and needs and realise that this all came from being shat upon as a child.
We need to find ourselves and connect to ourselves and unfortunately some of us do it through abusive relationshipos...both are victims..you and him, both need this to find healing and change, both can work towards healing or get stuck in pain or rage, ONE has to decide to change and ONE will or god hopes BOTH will, in my situation we both have changed, healed and grown and I have the deepest relationship with him and with myself now. I wouldnt have had it any other way...unorthodox thinking but deep and true stuff...blessings

September 10, 2000
6:03 pm
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Brenda
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remember, mine is few and far between, or so im told.
when you say "how dare you hit me" he will, cause you are still there, unless you set strong boundaries with help from a counsellor or true determination, prayer

September 10, 2000
11:44 pm
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janes
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Unless you are willing to be very very strong and set boundaries that will not move your best bet is to get out and get over him. Then get into counseling so you bdon't pick another abuser for your next relationship.

It is not your "fault"...only if you let it continue. Is it worth it to not value yourself enough to keep yourself safe?

You are the only one who can truly take care of your self. He will not "care" for you. In fact, he cares so little that it is okay to hit you.

Care for your self. Get out and get help.

September 19, 2000
8:04 pm
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lena
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I second what Jane has just written. DO take care of yourself...that must be your priority. That means getting help and support, and they are available to you. Please contact your County's mental health service, or a similar agency and get to a safe and secure place. No, it is NOT your fault...and I emphasize that...'brainwashing' by the abuser is very common, & that's why you must get away to a sane place. My prayers are with you, Tina.

September 22, 2000
10:13 am
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sugar brown
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Hey Tina. First and foremost it is never your fault. He has the problem not you. The only thing I can tell you or advise you to do is to seek counseling for yourself. You must understand nad know your self worth in order to leave this relationship, because you must leave. An abusive mate does not get better in a short amount of time, so you have to leave in order to insure your safety. It is a hard thing to do, but it must be done. I think just baout every woman around the world has experienced some type of abuse whether it be physical, mental, or emotional. Please, please go to counseling. You have to love yourself to know that you are worth so much more than this. You do not deserve to be beat on. Peace

September 22, 2000
7:53 pm
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Tinas
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Hi all,
Its me Tina. Thank you for your responses...Hey Brenda, you seem to undersand my situation...its not that easy to run...yes, there must be something inside me that feels (sickly) comfortable with being treated like this.

I know its a bad relationship, yet i cannot go...its shameful to admit it- but I have been in councelling, and i still cannot seem to leave him...No one can make me leave him apart from me....its like i am hooked and addicted to this guy...in fact all my past relationships have been like this...(this one was the first to raise his hand) but the others were equally emotionally crippled....

WHY is it i cannot go??? This is what i am struggling to find in my therapy.....I have made one positive move from a result of being in councelling, and that was making the decision to move out of living with him....

We used to live together, and i decided not to renue our rent for the next 6 months, because i felt that things were not quite right about him....

I don't think i could have managed without my therapy....it was very hard to make the step of moving out, but with therapy, i did it!!!

Now we are still seeing one an other, but are obviously not livign with each other...yet i am finding it very hard to leave....

Sure there are good things about the r/ship that keep me from leaving- and its those thigns i hold on to...that i enjoy making an effort for him and enjoy the buzz of seeing him....

I just know in the heart of hearts that i cannot change him and i want him to have all the qualities he does not possess...ie charming, sensitive, considerate....its like i am bashing my head against a brick wall.

All this time when i close my heart to him...he comes close to me and wants to know whats going on in the relationship....then as soon as i open up my heart to him, he closes up and gets all distant with me...WHats going on!!! I'm going crazy its killing me inside...and when i approach him about this issue, he just says..."Stop jumping to conclusions and relax and chill out"

All i want from him is a bit of reassurance, because i opened up to him and told him that i felt that the relationship was on its last legs....and i was afraid it was going to end....all i wanted from him was some reassurance that he was (in practice, going to work at it)....

He agreed and said that he'd work at it, but that i should be paitent with him and that it will take time....

I told him that he used to make my heart melt once, and used to make me feel really special...and now i get none of it.....he replied by saying that the reason why he has closed up now is because I made the decision to move out when we used to live together.....he then closed up.....

Now he hardly calls me and hardly wants me round as often as he used to...I feel really stupid...like i can't leave and i can't live with out him.....

Perhaps it will take a long time with my therapy....my therapist told me that i am equally to blame as much as he is when it comes to these dramas and temper tantrums...that it takes two to tango so to speak aNd that its not always his fault....she told me that if i wanted to change,....then i should look at myself critically....and not just blame it no him.......

What do you think????
love
Tina

September 23, 2000
11:41 am
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Brenda
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I think you should do what YOU think is best as long as it involves extreme self care of some kind at this point.
I know what its like when you cant leave someone who treats you like shit.
It is so deep to explain in a few short sentences, but it comes from the fact that you were probably abused or neglected as a child and children deny the fact that their parents are not loving them and feel THEY are the ones with the problem, so we reenact all of this in our primary relationships later on in life as a way of working through this stuff. We learned defensive and survivorship behaviors that no longer serve us as adults but we do not know conciously what they are, they only way you can disable all this stuff is through counselling and support.
You need to understand that you are loveable and if you are experiencing extreme emotional pain, as you are, you are both working in an abusively dynamic relationship in order to work through your own issues, but he is mainly dumping by the sounds of it. If your partner does not see his problems then he will use you to make himself feel good by putting you down and blaming you.
YOu are both hurting, it is each one of yous responsibility to get the help for yourselves, i promise you the relationship will not stay the same if you change. Bless u

September 24, 2000
12:55 pm
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Molly
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Tina you sound out of balance, it does take two, and gotta own part of the dance, I hate the word co-depandent but it will help you to see how you possible got where you are, and what steps to take to become strong. good luck

September 24, 2000
2:57 pm
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lover2000
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You know that anytime I hear this type of thing, I think about my mother and my sister. It is wrong for any man to hit a woman. I have been with my girlfriend for two years now, sure she has provoked me, but I never hit her and I never will. Don't say it's your fault because it's not, you are a human being not his punching bag! And I believe that he is the one with the problem.

lover2000

September 24, 2000
8:21 pm
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Molly
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yea, but where the it takes two comes in is that she stays. she knows what prevokes him, and she stays, she is aware, and she stays.

September 29, 2000
10:29 pm
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dimet
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Tina,
I too was in a "relationship" where he hit me, chocked me so forth. I never told anybody. I kept it totally hidden. I stayed and it just got worse. I finally told myself I had to leave before he cracks and kills me. It's been 5 yrs now. I am happily married. But, after everything happened I never told anyone and somehow I forgot most everything. A few months ago I suddenly remembered something. It was like watching a movie in my head. It totally freaked me out. I start feeling all this stuff, and I couldn't believe I could forget something like that. I realized that it was effecting my marriage. I could finally understand why things scared me. That scared the crap out of me. I still don't remember too much, but I've always gotten chills when I see, hear, smell something, or when somebody makes a sudden move. I'm telling you this because what happens now effects everything in your future. I don't remember most everything from my childhood and teen yrs. What am I missing? Do I need counseling or to remember what hurt me so bad? Will it effect my marriage more if I remember more? My husband is the most amazing man in the entire world. He brought me out of my shell. I don't want to hurt him. Don't miss out on your life. Get out now!

September 30, 2000
12:42 am
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single mom again
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Your story sounds like you wrote it for me. The first time he hit me, He cried and begged me to forgive him. At that point I felt like I had the upperhand. Only it was up againest my head. Then like what was said eariler, the "honeymoon" would start. Things were good for a while back to the hitting, then crying then honeymoon. He told me no one else would have me, I was a b***h(which may be true) and I was no good. I stayed left believed his promises and came back. It is always the same. Oh how I wish I had left the very first time, yet I stayed and let him believe it was all right. He knocked me out cold,(i only had on a t-shirt), drug me to the porch and left me there. We had a foot of snow, 20 degrees out and still snowing. I still stayed. I begged him to forgive me. For what, I do not know. I am lucky he did not kill me. After 3 years of on and off stuff we have been apart for 6 weeks. I know tell everyone I know what an abusive (physical, mental and emotionally) person he is. So if I ever had any notion to go back I have a lot of people to remind me and kick my a** for thinking about it. It is hard to leave someone you have loved. But I can now say, he does not know love. What he called love is a sickness. I wish I had known about this website 3 years ago so I could have had the support and courage to leave. Leave now while you are not foreve attached to him. I have two kids with my jerk. Please you are worth so much more that you give yourself credit for. Each day will get eaiser. It has for me.

October 3, 2000
2:02 pm
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good for you single mom, be careful, this is when they get their most violent, get a custody order for the children.

November 14, 2000
10:22 am
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Tina
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Hiya all,
It is me Tina again.
Thank you for sharing your stories with me.

I'm so ashamed of myself for staying...its painful, but the worst thing i fear is the fear of leaving and the fear of being alone- on my own without a man....I know what you are all thinking- you probs think i am totally mad- so crazy and that i need my head examined...well may be i do, but that's just the sickening thing, that's how i feel and i don't know how to get out of it....I love him but hate him too, cannot stay and cannot leave....what do I do?

Tina x

November 14, 2000
6:49 pm
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Molly
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Oh, Tina, Tina, Tina.....
Such is the story of so many women. It took me so long to leave, and it took me so much energy, and so much false sense of self esteem, and I almost made it. I got scared, it got hard, and I was manipulated, by my own morals, with a big dose of his manipulation, and lies uh uh, I mean promises. since I have returned, it has been hell, most of the rage is gone, he is not as violent as he used to be, so the therapy did do something, but.... this is not a marriage, he says so I am a liar, he says I don't trust you, he says he is in the tunnel but the light is not there. I am broke, and the benifits for me staying are great,my expenses are paid for the time being, but this is not love, this is endurance, and you are so young. I have lost the respect of my children, I am miserable, it is hell, and that is where you are. I am saving my money, and who knows when or where I will get, but I can tell you this, if you get away, and stay away no phone calls, no meetings, no e-mails, no bribes, no rondevoux, no contact at all, you will make a life, andknow what freedom is. You will have peace with out some one knocking you verbally or physically which will allow you to heal, while you are here, the wounds remain open, and the pain continues, there is no remedy but going with out, and trust me at this point in my life, I would be better off with out, FREEDOM not lonliness is what you get, change your thoughts. Love to you, and just do it for your self, and so you are not in this position when you are my age, the holidays are comming my birthday is Saturday, and I wish I could be where I was when he was not in my life. Going back just made it so much worse, and I have less energy, I am even questioning the process of rehabilitation. Don't be here, don't get here, do what you need to do, it is worth it, and the fear of lonliness, gee what are you right this minuet?

November 15, 2000
10:13 am
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janes
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You can try and fool yourself into thinking he'll change.

You can stay. Without SERIOUS counseling it'll get worse and you will lose ALL your self esteem.

It's up to you. domestic violence..which you are involved in is wrong. We women perpetuate it by thinking "I can't leave--I'll be alone" Well when was the last time you beat yourself up and told yourself how bad you were?

Come on now....Get to cousneling and find the strength to get out.

You can get an apt., alone and find out who you ar so the next relationship is based on you and not on what someone else is. I loved alone for 10 years and my family was astounded cuz I was always the chicken, scared of the dark and all. I look back on those times as the best. You get to do what YOU want to do....go to friends, see peoplle if you want or stay home and veg out if you want.

Being alone gives you a choice which you don't have now.

You will not be less of a person alone. You might learn to be a more complete one however. You need to find YOU and you won't staying where you are.

Don't be so scared...life is an adventure and you might like spending some of it with yourself.

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