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He hit me so bad and i still miss himm
April 23, 2009
8:42 pm
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waniamae
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Last Thursday i left the house. He hit me bad and the police came. I didn't press charges and i don't know why...I had bruises all over and i did hide them. He was set free; I never went back home. He waited for me for 5 days, crying and leaving me messages then he left town. Today i feel like i want to die, kill myself for being so stupid and let him go even though i was not ready to have him gone. Everybody is celebrating for me and i feel so sad, so lonely, so lost. I never liked the beating, i really never did. but how can i be so weak to want him back. This is a disease because i should know better. My body does not hurt now and i can be myself...I just don't want to. I don't want to feel that way. I want to understand why some women would never deal with that, and why i still here. It hurts me to know that he is with his family right now and i am here all alone. I am Jealous of whom he is. I want to be like him, heartless and strong. I feel miserable for not loving myself the way i should. I want my dignity back; the only wrong thing i did was to accept. I might be codependent but i don't deserve to be beaten for that. Why do i miss him and why do i wish he was here. My friends can't understand me and i feel alone, very alone.

April 23, 2009
8:50 pm
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Randomwomen2
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Sweetheart you are not alone thousands of women go through this everyday and an unfortunate amount go back to the person that was beating them. ITs the trap that they set they make you feel guilty for getting them into trouble. In there heart of hearts they dont believe what they did was wrong yes they call crying but that is just to get you to come back so it can start all over again. YOu can break this cycle sweetheart just stay strong.

April 23, 2009
9:11 pm
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AQueen
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Look up domestic violence organizations in your area and call them today!!! You can get free counseling and attend support groups to help you get through this and understand what is lacking in you that has caused you to seek out dangerous and dysfunctional relationships. I left my ex in March 2007. I got a restraining order which I suggest you do TODAY and I started attending support groups and weekly one on one's with a case manager for counseling. I can't even begin to express how happy I am today. I'm so glad I left my ex and got the help I needed to love myself and become whole again.

I'm a honor roll student today. I'm engaged to a wonderful man who treats me like gold. Life is good. I'm actually happy with who I am. I'm taking care of ME which is something I didn't do for a long time. I was always worried about him and his feelings and what he thought of me. My ex is still up to his old ways. We have a child in common and I don't allow any contact or visitation because he is still living the same lifestyle. I haven't spoken to him in almost so long, he knows I have a restraining order and leaves me alone thank god. You are depressed and beaten down emotionally and physically. You need to seek some help for YOU otherwise the chances of going back to him or something just like him are SO HIGH.

April 23, 2009
9:13 pm
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onelifelost
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waniamie...think back when you were young...were you hugged,kissed,loved? if not you may be emotionally deprived now and this is why it is so hard for you to let him go..he is not a man..he is a coward,he would never hurt a man because he knows a man would beat him up,so he beats up a woman...he is weak, you are the strong one,believe in yourself and love yourself,you are worth it

April 23, 2009
10:37 pm
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fantas
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I highly recommend seeking out the assistance of the, survivors of domestic abuse chapter in your area. It all boils down to a lack of self-worth so we seek it in someone else, and the more they make us work for it, the more convinced we are that we are really not worth being loved. It's kind of like our own proof to ourselves that indeed we are not worth much. With therapy, you will learn to claim your self worth and never let anyone hurt you again.

Perhaps you can find the book "women who love too much" and read it. Keep posting.

April 23, 2009
11:09 pm
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soofoo
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waniamae

Oh, you just wrote what I have felt. You are not alone! No one should ever, ever hit you. And when someone you love hits you it is not because there is something wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with you! Please trust me on this, there is nothing wrong with you, no matter what anyone says! You have been abused and it is NOT because of YOU. It will cause you to have low self esteem, because that is what abuse does to people, but it didn't happen because you had low self esteem. You did not cause this. Neither did your parents. Neither did your upbringing. The man who hit you caused it.

I understand you resenting him being with his family right now. Why should he be surrounded with people who support him and you be all alone? It isn't fair and it isn't right and if he were my son I would boot his ass out the door and take you in, I promise that to myself right now.

What you need is some of your own people. Is your family nearby? Do you have any friends? Often abused women do not. Join a support group for battered women. Go to meetings. Any kind will do. Join social groups. Try meetup.com Don't limit yourself to abuse recovery, go for what you like whatever it is, hiking, reading, knitting, dancing, clubbing, whatever. Get out there and connect. What you need right now more than anything is to develop your own support network. It should be lots of people, in case one fails, you'll have more and you won't lean on anyone too much. This site can be part of it.

And I am here, because I have been through this and I have gotten out, and I want to help you. You can post to me no matter what, even if you go back to him or take him back. These things can take a long time, and I promise not to judge you. Just start working on having a better life and everything else will fall into place.

((((((((((waniame)))))))))))

April 24, 2009
9:26 am
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waniamae
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Thank you all so much for your support. I just need to understand what is going on with myself. I will look out for meetings and help. I will stay strong and move on. That is all i want to do. I want him out of me completely, out of my mind, away from my body and totally gone from my spirit. If i can accomplish that i will then believe in myself.
Without you guys is very hard to make it. Thank you again, Waniamae.

April 27, 2009
8:26 pm
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waniamae
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Today i got myself feeling all hopeless again. The feeling came and goes. It sadness all around. I can't talk to anyone because they can understand me. My ex keep calling me and i haven't answer him since he left. I try it in a day to day basis. In case someone can tell me if time will help this wish of trying to tell him that what he did to me was wrong. Is this an excuse? WHY DO I STILL WANT TO TALK TO HIM? How can that be? I know what he did was wrong, i know i don't deserve, so what is it... Is this love? A disease? What makes it so different than the other people that moves on, sad or not, they move on. I need to understand what is it. Why does he call? What is that he wants? Is he miserable too or it is easier for them to get over? So many questions, my family is away, i am so ASHAMED to tell my friends...tell then what? My dear friend told me to change my number; I can't do that...His call, regardless if i answer it or not it is what keeps me going. I want to die...

April 27, 2009
9:10 pm
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_anonymous
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waniamae- There are 2 types of men one is about love and affection. The other is about power and control. The type that hits is about power and control. The reason why he calls is because he wants to control you.

A man like this does not understand your words or cares about your feelings all he understands is your actions. If you want to show him that what he did was wrong then stay away from him. Everytime you take his call or go back to him what you are showing him is what he is doing is OK.

With a man like this you are nothing more than an object with no rights or feelings.

Does this man drink alcohol or do drugs? Was he under the influence of durgs or alcohol when he became violent?

Have you called a domestic violent hotline? They have a lot of experience dealing with this type of thing and could offer some great advice. You can call 24 hours a day.

April 28, 2009
12:24 am
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soofoo
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(((((waniamae)))))

What you are feeling is very common. Time does help. Maybe you want to talk to him because you want to feel better, and you are lonely, and you are not talking to anyone else. If you reach out to your friends and family, you will probably feel some relief from that.

You are attached to him. It's not the same as love, and it's not a disease. You want him to make it better, but it will get better on it's own. You will heal without him.

April 29, 2009
9:51 am
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waniamae
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Yesterday i cried all day. Today i am going to try not to cry. Isolated is how i feel and the more i try not to i blame myself for what happened; I am codependent and we can drive a person crazy can't we? He stopped calling, i knew that was going to happen and i didn't know if i would be able to deal with that. I knew that would hurt a lot. He spent 10 years in jail, and the last 4 years he was in a cell alone for 24 hours a day. What makes me think that this man is going to miss me? He does not necessarily needs me since he is young and charming and there is a whole bunch of codependent woman out there... None of this matter, i know but it hurts and i have been reading this panel and even though people moves on they still thinks about their EX. We are addicts too if it works that way...I want it out but right now i just want the honeymoon fase to be here for a little while... even though later on i will feel like a "coda hangover"... How sad can this reality be? One thing for sure if i could switch sides i would love to be whom he is right now because i sure don't want to be this pathetic me. Thank you so much for being there, thank you.

April 29, 2009
10:45 am
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Zebra
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Waniamae,

You are doing good honey. You will cry for many months to come and that is okay...let it out and let it go. You are strong and I am proud of you for not going back.

I too was abused and I have been gone for 10 months; almost 11 on May 1. I am in counseling for domestic violence and I am starting to take care of me and starting to feel better and I am not crying every day anymore. I was married for 10 years.

So you are not alone honey and you are going to be just fine. Seek the resources to help you deal with all of this and you will be much better offf. Just don't take him back and don't answer his calls. Mine still calls every once in awhile and I just don't pick up. Yes it hurts still but less.

I love you and you are worth it. Z

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