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He Comes Around Drunk and I Let him in
May 12, 2009
12:33 pm
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Stacers
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I am an enabler. I am co-dependent. I am a fixer. I love peopl with alcohol/drug problems. I have low self esteem. I don't feel I deserve anything better. Do any of these things sound familiar? I am learning that I am Co-Dependent and there are many other people like me out there. I am in counseling and can't believe some of the things that I have to tell my counselor that I have put up with through the years. I have had 4 relationships, all have ended in pain for me and all have been the same cycle. I want to fix the person I am with. I don't drink or do any kind of drugs. I attend church regularly, I don't have any kind of mental illness. People that have addictions are drawn to me. It's almost like they prey on me. It's a very sad way to live. I have once again fell into a relationship with someone addicted to alcohol. He was 9 months sober when I met him and what a fun loving guy he was. We went to the movies, church, out to eat, stayed in and watched TV, etc. He was really good with my daughter and I couldn't believe how wonderful he was! That is the guy I fell in love with. About 4 months into the relationship he started drinking and it's been downhill ever since. Now he only comes over after a night of partying with his friends. He says he thinks about me all night and can't keep away. So I always let him in. I feed him and let him crash at my place. He is always too drunk for anything other than cuddling. He will put his arms around me, tell me how much he loves me and fall asleep. At first, I was happy that he would want to come see me when he could leave the bar with so many other girls, but as time has gone on, I realize he is using me. I am enabling him to go out and drink and then he gets to come to me. Everyone tells me "don't open the door! Call the cops." But I love him and don't want anything bad to happen to him. I finally made a stand and told him that if he wanted to be with me he would have to get back into AA and attend couples counseling. Never so quick have I seen someone change their tune. I need space, I care about you, but can't give you what you need, why don't you find a nice guy that will give you what you are looking for? So I guess by applying some pressure I got my answers about my future with him and maybe released myself too.

May 15, 2009
1:58 pm
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gettingold
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wow you sound like me. I have the same problem with my daughters dad. He comes around, we never go anywhere. He wont even take me on a date. But he sure likes to be in my house on weekends, or come over after drinking.
You say you are attracted to addicts. But you yourself are an addict. Addicted to the pain,and the moment when they bring you up. The lows are so low, and when he makes you feel loved it is like a high. And the cycle continues. Just like a drug addict.

May 15, 2009
4:29 pm
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StronginHim77
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Having been in a similar situation with an alcoholic, my heart really goes out to you. Here is the bottom line: when you no longer need those "crumbs" of drunken attention from him that have sent you the false signal that this man loves you, you will end it. The door will remain closed.

Right now, you are grasping at any crumbs of affection or reassurance that he loves you which fall in your direction. I must tell you, however, that this guy doesn't love you. He is simply using you to meet HIS need to be welcomed and held, despite being a selfish alcoholic.

That's a tough statement, but I have found it to be true in my own life. As an olde lady who has hooked up with quite a few alcoholics over the years, I assure you that they all wound up using me for reassurance, acceptance and attention, until I realized I was getting absolutely NOTHING REAL out of it...just a FALSE sense of being loved.

An empty shell.

A lie.

I was lying to myself because I could not face the alternative: being alone.

When you are strong enough to be alone...when you no longer fear being without a man in your life, you will keep that door closed.

- Ma Strong

May 18, 2009
12:43 am
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Gosh Ma Strong, I read your words and had to cry for a bit. It hit me hard like a ton of bricks. Especially the part where you said, "he doesn't love you, he's just using you." Wow! You are right and I know it, so why does it hurt so bad? He tried to come around again Saturday night. I had not heard a word from him since last Tuesday and then Saturday I am in a movie at 11:00 PM and get a text that says "I'm sorry but I miss you and can't stop thinking about you." I read it and my heart just sank. I knew he was drinking and of course this is the only time I get attention. I responded with "have another coctail and you'll feel better. I'm in a movie." Well he continued to text that he wanted me to come get him. I wouldn't do that. He called me at 3:00 AM and I hit the ignore button on my phone and he texted me at 5:00 AM Sun morning saying "please come get me". I responded back with "take a cab". I'm proud of myself. The old me probably would have got in my car at any time of the night and went and picked him up. I was strong though...I didn't go. Next time I think I need to not even answer him. When the first text came through saying he missed me, I should have just ignored it. For some reason I haven't gotten to that point. I think I will though. Like you said, when I realize I CAN be alone I will end this vicious cycle. For now, my Allanon and CODA meetings are what I have to look forward to. Thanks everyone for listening this is one of the hardest things I've ever had to go through and it sure feels like someone is ripping my heart out.

May 18, 2009
6:06 am
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obrn
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stacers,

Yes ma strong is full of wisdom in this thread any many others. Listen I am exactly where you are...I also still seem to need those crumbs. It is hard because we want to be loved. I would like to highly suggest to you that you block his telephone number. It did wonders for me. Your calls and text sound like my ex wrote them. You call your telephone carrier and they can block the number. My carrier only does it for 90 days and then I will have to block it again. It is much easier to be strong when those tempting text are not comming in. Lets face it we all have moments of weekness. I knew I needed to block the number for a long time and it took me 2 months to do it because everytime I picked up the phone to do it, I cried just knowing I would not have those text and messages to listen to. No matter how much I kept telling myself I would not respond to them, eventually I always did. Now he is going to make you feel very quilty that you did not pick him up. Also what helped me is knowing that I was teaching my kids it was okay for people to use and abuse me. I do not want my daughter to let anyone treat her as bad as I have been treated. I know you do not either. Let that be your focus, actions speak louder than words.

You are strong

You are loved

You will heal

Good luck,

OBRN

May 18, 2009
8:19 pm
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Thank you. I have listened to your words of advice and since you have both been in my shoes and know what I'm going through, I'm going to do what you have suggested. I'm going to block his number from my phone. I'm going to keep the door closed and I'm going to continue with my Allanon and CODA meetings. I am better than this. I have a 10 year old daughter that deserves to see her mom happy. This will be hard because I am in love with the person he WAS and I'm also in love with HOPE. The hope that he would get better. I have heard many times that a alcoholic can never get enough and they are never done. Even when they follow the program, get into AA and work the steps they are never really done. Thanks again for your help. It is so nice to know that I'm not alone in this mess.

May 20, 2009
12:31 pm
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StronginHim77
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No...they are never really done. My most current "love" is living in a halfway house program. Needless to say, he calls me now more often than before he went into the halfway house. Why? Because he's sober, bored and needs attention. As soon as he has his license again and survives his DUI trial, I am quite certain that I will not hear from him ever...or perhaps, only when convenient to him.

They are what they are: users. I don't think most of them realize it, but it's all about them. Not about us. Some occasional lip service concern to keep us dangoling, maybe, but never the Real McCoy.

Stay strong. I have begun "weaning" my (temporarily) caged alcoholic from constant, daily contact with me. It ain't easy, but I'm doing it. We can encourage one another to stay strong. Each call that we don't take is one Giant Step closer to wholeness for ourselves...and PEACE.

- Ma Strong

May 20, 2009
1:49 pm
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atalose
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Stacers,

You said……..” I am in love with the person he WAS and I'm also in love with HOPE. The hope that he would get better”.

Not to sound harsh but……….answering his calls and texts keep’s you engaged with him and keeps that HOPE alive. You're still cling to that magical thinking a bit....holding onto hope that he WILL get into recovery AND things will improve between you and him, that's kind of right up there with "when pigs fly" - so you have a choice, you can continue to engage him and sit by the window and watch for flying pigs.....OR you can reassess everything you know to be true about pigs, and act accordingly!!!!

Block his number or change your number. Going to ala-non will be great for you as well as coda meetings and posting here.

No you are never alone when it comes to all this, so many of us have been there and SURVIVED it and came out the other side happier and healthier……

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

May 21, 2009
1:48 am
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I am very proud of myself. He started texting Sat. night and I ignored and called me at 3:00 AM and again at 5:00 AM and I ignored all of them. I have not heard from him since then and it's Wednesday! Maybe this is the break I've been praying for. I went to a Allanon meeting tonight and really met some nice understanding people. I feel things are looking up for me. Thanks for all the support!!

May 21, 2009
11:05 am
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StronginHim77
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When you are ready to abandon false hope, as well as the thrill of knowing that he WANTS contact with you (translation for us "codies:" wants us back), you will change your phone number, so that the texts and messages stop.

You are not responding and that is a Huge First Step. Next step is to sever all communication. One day, you will be ready. Until then, stand strong and stay silent. Keep posting here for encouragement. It's a day-by-day struggle which many of us have experienced firsthand.

- Ma Strong

May 21, 2009
11:05 am
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StronginHim77
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When you are ready to abandon false hope, as well as the thrill of knowing that he WANTS contact with you (translation for us "codies:" wants us back), you will change your phone number, so that the texts and messages stop.

You are not responding and that is a Huge First Step. Next step is to sever all communication. One day, you will be ready. Until then, stand strong and stay silent. Keep posting here for encouragement. It's a day-by-day struggle which many of us have experienced firsthand.

- Ma Strong

May 21, 2009
2:42 pm
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This has been a hard day. I'm thinking about him non-stop. I am going to get myself out of this place and go to the gym. I just wish I could stop wondering what he is doing, why he's not calling, who he's with, etc...I think he has another victim. Why do I even care?? I feel very sad, lonely and the rejection is killing me. I'm not going to call or text him. I'm posting here instead but my heart is truly breaking today.

May 21, 2009
3:11 pm
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StronginHim77
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Stacers,

Getting out of the house really does help. Schedule some enjoyable activities (remember all those things you used to love doing, before he came into your life?) with understanding friends. When out with your friends, do NOT talk about him.

Talk about the weather, if you have to. But not him.

It takes weeks to recondition your mind to quit obsessing about someone or something. But you can do it.

Stay strong and don't call him. Don't take any calls. Don't answer any texts. Better yet, don't even listen to his messages or read the texts. Delete them.

We are rooting for you. And yes...it is really hard in the early weeks when your broken heart is still raw.

- Ma Strong

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