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He broke up with me and I'm missing him
October 17, 2001
5:06 pm
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pill
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OK - I'm back. The end of the story is that he finally broke up with me. We were both miserable.

He broke up with me Thursday. he called me Sunday night and asked if I wanted to talk. I said i didn't. He then sent me an e-card saying he missed me and was sorry for hurting me for being a basta*d., etc.

Meanwhile I sent him an email saying how he just couldn't give me what I need at this time in his life - just not capable of being responsible toward someone else. I called him Tuesday night to see if the email had hurt him. We talked briefly. I mentioned wanting to stay friends, he couldnt' say at the time.

Today I am missing more than I ever have. I thought I was doing ok, but a song came on the radio and I just burst into tears. It was unexpected at best. It's like there's another person inside me who's ready to see him again and be with him, to start over.

My question is should I call him? Should I wait a few days?

October 17, 2001
5:15 pm
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Ladeska
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WAIT. Time is always your best friend in a situation like this. Even the very worst thing for you - can register with you - like it's the best thing for you. I.E. - withdrawal from drugs. You think you can't live without it. The highs with some people are - very high and we discount and devalue the lows in an attempt to concentrate on the highs only.

That addiction - takes time to wear off... And the bottomline here is - if you are going to be a disciplined person on your own behalf - you are going to have to start learning NOW - how to think with your head and let your heart follow along later. Feelings, as the rudder of your ship - will run aground - about 75% of the time.

Sure you want to go back, there's a hole in your heart - where all this other stuff - was. Let yourself feel the space, let it air out, let it sit there awhile without you compulsively running back to be pacified in what's comfortable and familiar. C'mon, girlfriend - ya got more stamina than this, don't cha? (smile) Back AWAY From the Phone!

October 17, 2001
5:21 pm
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pill
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That's just about the best thing I've heard. You know how to work through stuff.

I like the way you worded this: "Even the very worst thing for you - can register with you - like it's the best thing for you."

The phone is probably wired up for electrical shock - RIGHT? If I touch it, call that number, there are sure to be painful electromagnetical pulses racing up to my head... arg!

damn him...!

October 17, 2001
5:25 pm
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Ladeska
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Electrical charges are good, even if they leave a bald spot on your head. Everytime you try to rat your hair over it - you'll remember....that you allow time to pass - so that feelings can catch up to the brain. (smile)

Confucious say.....old bald woman better than - woman with head up her butt!

October 17, 2001
5:30 pm
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pill
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I spoke with a woman who described the mere action of NOT calling, of just carrying on with things, of making a CONCIOUS decision to carry on and be active... that it teaches your heart to follow. For instance, even though you want to die, you go to the grocery store anyway and buy good food, go home, and cook a good meal for yourself. The head leading the heart...

October 17, 2001
5:37 pm
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Ladeska
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...Charmers know - say they are sorry or whatever you want to hear because - it's easy....and they depend upon your "goodness", your own moral code of - forgive and forget and they use it against you. They mimick back to you what you yourself have said so that - they trip you up by your own bible.

Thing is - you're not smart until you read the "bible" - "they LIVE". Words don't need to invoke much of anything out of you, but actions that have already been lived out in front of you - should pretty much write the story.

Words mean crap. Sorry means nothing when the actions are just repeated and especially when sorry only comes when they get their toys taken away from them. Boo-freaking-hoo.

Waiting for you - shouldn't mean that - you're waiting for a miracle to come from his neck of the woods and suddenly he's going to spring forth in black leotards, pointed hat and dressed like Robin Hood and whisk you away to - "just like I envisioned it to be land".

I don't know but chances of that happening are about as slim as seeing Bin Laden say - he's oh so sorry.

The only miracle that could happen here realistically is that - YOU respect yourself enough to have absolute resolve that - you don't get another chance to swing my heart around your little finger, Dude.

You're hurting, but you'll get over that - but he has to live with himself and might not ever get over that one. His loss. Time to move on.

October 17, 2001
5:44 pm
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Ladeska
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Wonderful analogy! That's absolutely correct. You train your brain to lead your heart. Our heart is not always healthy and we have to train it to be healthy - to have resolve to train just like being an athlete. We don't want veggies, but we eat them anyways because - it produces good results in our bodies so that we can run the distance.

Then...you have to be aware of - what you feed your mind because from your mind - flows your emotions.... What you are experiencing now is the aftermath of what your mind told your emotions to do - a while back. You're on "default", too. You've been stuck here so long - it's the default button now. yeah, yeah, you know what to do - push the green button, get the poisoned cheese, stop your yappin'. Round and round we go like nice little trained mice.

Ready to stop now and break out of this whole scene. Is so - Pinky and the Brain applaud you. You escaped!

October 17, 2001
5:46 pm
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Ladeska
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If so - not Is so....can't type.

October 17, 2001
5:50 pm
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pill
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Yes, I escaped, but i want to go back into the cage and have the door closed behind me. It's so screwed up!

Plan today: go running after work, eat well, read, sleep.

Plan tomorrow: see yesterday.

October 17, 2001
6:44 pm
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Ladeska
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It's called - security. You miss the security of your stinking cage.

Nuts, ain't it? Is a good thing to do physical things that correlate with the inner things you are committed to. If we're talking about being free of some things, then -

You need to do some things physically that reverberate this through your physical being. Things that are "uniquely" you, not things that someone else would say you need to do.

Like if I were in a similar situation where you are now - my thing would be to go run barefoot on the beach until I couldn't run anymore, just run like a banchie, screaming even while I go....

Whatever you do - it has to be "outside the box" because you've been in a box....make sense?

Like if I were trying to solve a problem - I might go play chess or another game of strategy.

If I was trying to make order in my life - I might go clean and reorganize my closet. We do alot of things subconsciously without knowing what we are doing, but our true self knows and sometimes breaks through to us.

So, yes - plan one day at a time until you can make it - two days. Give yourself little rewards for getting through a day and a night, too. Have to re-train the little mouse, or else - she will go back to her hopeless little cage. Wander out - a little bit at a time, that way the world without compulsion doesn't look too scary.

October 17, 2001
9:02 pm
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Molly
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Is this a break up virus or something?
Strange how we are all going through this , hmmmmmmm read my scope for the week and it said the writing is on the wall. 🙂 So, Molly is having to follow her own advice, and yea I can relate, unfortunately it is going to take much more energy for me. i sat on the couch today, and said, I am comfortable right now, in this little cage, I don't wanna look for a house to rent, I don't wanna deal with the fact that I might not be able to take my dog, I don't wanna make a new resume, I don't wanna look for a job, I don't wanna start a new job, I don't wanna deal with him any more, hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm I don't wanna play games, I don't wanna live with out trust, I don't wanna fight every other day, I don't wanna deal with his kids, I don't wanna hear his verbal abuse, I don't wanna live like this. Right now, I just want Ladeskas magic wand to strike me, or find the magic lamp that puts me in a beach community, with enough money to pay rent, with my dog, car payment, and be in that rut, even if I am alone, because being alone I know and it is so much better, that lonely or emotional turmoil. See misery loves company. I didn't miss him the last time I left, and I won't miss him this time. I remember what peace feels like, and I am hungry for it, you have it right now. No turmoil other than what you let your little monkey brain controll, perhaps the shock treatment from the phone will help.

October 18, 2001
10:16 am
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pill
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Hey Everyone! Today I discovered that my head is now out of my A--! I can see clearly now...

And, you know what? HE'S THE LOSER, and HE KNOWS IT. < sorry son of.... >

October 18, 2001
11:24 am
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Ah yes.....the bitter pill of self realization....bitter - but potent. Is amazing to me how we don't think - denial is bitter....funny, huh?

Guess it's the old slow drip of arsenic that does it to us. The reason I talk so harsh to people at times, especially women is because - the trance.....kills. Doesn't matter how slow it is - it kills. If you can step back from yourself and look at the pattern over years even and just listen to yourself and how miserable you are....how your own inner self is crying out to the self that walks and talks....WAKE UP and pay attention to what you're screaming from the inside. I'm not happy, I'm settling for alot of B.S., it's not okay with me, I keep going around in the same stupid circle and whining about it when in all reality - I'm just sinking deeper and deeper into my own reluctance to really - DO something about my situation.

We're lazy, that's about the size of it and even pain can be comfortable, if we adjust the sound and a pillow or two, eh....it's okay. Is it?

If we can come hear and write message after message about how unhappy we are and yet all the while complain that we are helpless - then, I don't know......maybe there is no hope if you don't pick up your own hand and change the picture. No one is going to - do it for you.

Drug addicts - look like hell when they hit bottom.....but if they don't have the will.....to sign up for the program of recovery - it won't work. Period. You can feel sorry for them all you want to - won't matter. Their will of "today...enough is enough" and I'm committed to change things - has to be activated and it has to be Sincere.

It's time women stopped living their lives according to other people - what they say, how they see them, what they want from them, what pleases their man or doesn't please their man, what pleases their family or doesn't please their family...blah, blah, blah. For crying outloud - are we a Unique Human Being or are we just a freaking robot to be manipulated??? You guys have rights as a person and it's time you kept your femininity, but learn to kick a little ass at the same time. It can be done! We can be a warrior/princess.

No one that is worth anything will be drawn to us - if we don't. We will never find satisfaction in anything in this life - if we don't. We won't respect ourselves and no one else will either. We'll have the bullseye on our backside until we drop in our grave and we will have - never really LIVED at all.

It's time for the word NO to be in alot of women's language. And not a No with a computer printout of how you arrived there either. Just a No will suffice. Sometimes, silence just needs to hang in the air. How you think and arrive at things - is your own damned business. Stop thinking you owe everyone an explanation about anything. We live in America and we need to act like it. Be PRO-YOU and realize that it's not about being selfish, it's about living healthy and not allowing certain people to eat from your plate anymore as the scavengers they are.

October 18, 2001
7:36 pm
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Amena, Ladeska. You help a lot more people than just the person you are responding to. You have helped me a lot. Also Molly. You guys have been there and you care. It shows. I'm getting a little braver about writing now. For a while all I would do is read. I feel I know you a little better now, and can trust you. Lack of trust is a big problem for me. I always felt like when I told people my problems and weaknesses and fears, it was like handing them ammunition to use against me later. The anonymity helps here, but still it takes a certain amount of trust and courage to open up to people and be at their mercy, so to speak.

And Pill...Did you write your last post above before or after the posting about blaming yourself and wanting to go back to him? I'm confused. But prepare for a roller coaster ride. I know I was on one for a year, and sometimes still take a dip or two, but I still say I'm healthier now on my own. I was like Ladeska said, I was lazy and just fluffed up the pillows and adjusted the sound, was in pain and lonely - the worst kind of lonely - the kind you feel when you're with someone and wish you were alone - but I was comfortable in my pain and misery and didn't want to change it, didn't want to admit the failure. So Molly I know where you are right now, too. I understand. And yet I still sometimes feel a loss because it didn't last forever. And I still find good things to remember about him. I guess there's nothing wrong with that, as long as I don't forget the truth or stay focused on the past instead of moving forward. I mean it doesn't help anything to hate him, and I couldn't anyway. I still care for him, but I pity him, because he's still sick and in the same codependent pattern, and I'm much better off.

October 19, 2001
12:29 pm
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thanks susie, I liked what you said about turning up the volume, and fluffing the pillows, amazing aren't we. If I did not have the vision of what I experienced almost 2 years ago now, when I left him for 18 months, I don't know like so many others if I could see the reason for all the effort. Just this morning is a classic example of sick co-cependent living, and the insanity that makes us crazy and depressed. Last night we tried to talk, I again tried to explain trust and intimacy, and the subject soon went to divorce, then to bed. This morning, its I love you baby, see ya later, with the eyes that try to penetrate that say forget the conversation last night. the up and down the lack of consistancy, the intentional punishments. If you saw the thread on viagra, our conversation was regarding a womans need for trust for the big o, his response was cant you pleasure your self? So, i am going to today, with his American Express card!!!!!!!!!!!!!Right after I do another job search. So, have a good laugh, humor works. Then go to yoga.

October 19, 2001
2:52 pm
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Ladeska
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Susie....well, your message smacks of sincerity and "being real". (smile) I like that, very much. It's hard to trust, know what you mean. I've worked with abuse victims now for a very long time and am one who survived much abuse early on in life, so - when I say I understand - I do. Trust is hard in this world.

I remember when I came out of my abuse - I wanted to distance myself as far as possible from the "ugly reality" that I had learned about human nature from my upbringing...I was the wolf who strolled into the bright lights of the city enamored by it's beauty and never saw the barbs coming underneath it all. Didn't want to see, didn't want to acknowledge what I knew to be fact.

I spent quite a few years not leaning to - my own understanding. Wanted so bad to believe that people were basically good and I'd be surprised if that wasn't true. Now - I have come full circle and realize - most people swing more toward the opportunist side of things and might even be colored rather wicked by me and few will be of the caliber of what I call - of good character and worthy of trust....trust that must be "earned" over time.

That's really the way I see things now. I've just adjusted the button on my dial to see more clearly. I don't expect people to be good anymore, I expect the worst and if something else emerges - I will be pleasantly surprised. Sounds like a really negative way to be - but it hasn't been that way at all. Has really helped me immensely. I treat new people with respect and have the window open to view things through - giving them a chance to be whatever, but I just don't expect that - they will be decent or non-manipulative people.

And when those jewels come along and they really prove to be "real" and not fakes - then I treasure them all the more because I realize how RARE they are. I know from the beginning that - there are only - the few.

I appreciate the fact that - you speak from your heart and from experience. That's all I try to do and I'm glad I've touched you or helped you somehow. People just want - the "talk from the hip" - the kind that just shoots straight. At least, that's what I appreciate anyways, so try to return the favor. Molly is the same way. We're all a little whacked but that's what makes us all interesting. You have to whacked to survive this planet! (smile)

Glad you're here and you are where you are in your journey....you've done alot of work - on you, it shows. Have a glass of wine on me tonight! You can be part of our Tribe anytime....gotta get my stinking magic wand fixed though....never been the same since I stirred my coffee with it....

October 19, 2001
3:25 pm
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pill
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I like you too, Susie!

October 19, 2001
8:29 pm
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You guys are great. Thanks for the warm welcome. I can feel it.

October 19, 2001
8:33 pm
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Hi- I just found this website. I know exactly how you feel. I was there a year ago today. It took many one day at a times and a year has passed and it's not as painful- although I miss them. I realize that the relationship really didn't work.

I wish you luck---Time will help.
Do what feels good. When you are feeling consistent with what you feel then you can act- it sounds like you still are undecided on what action to to take- sometimes nothing needs to happen.
Hope this helps.

October 20, 2001
12:47 am
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ejk- yes it helps! to know that sometimes no action is best... and also to know that once I feel consistent - and that is a good word for it - consistent... because the ups and downs are just starting to subside now... becoming a little more consistent...

Thanks for your words...

The funny thing is... that what feels good to me is to forgive him, I feel pity for him that he - even with me - couldn't handle a committed relationship. Besides, I'm reading that book Molly suggested "relationship rescue" and it is really helping a lot.it's making me see myself when I had been lost...

Thanks all of you!

October 20, 2001
12:19 pm
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Molly
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Beware however of that no action is often the best course of action. I have taken no action for to long. I guess its the old boundry line thing, and personal accountability. I just re-read Phils book last night, looked at my answers from a year ago, and nothing has changed, except for things have gotten worse. Sure one person can make a difference in the relationship, but it only goes so far, just as Ranmar has realized. Trying to celebrate the good, and accepting the what is doesn't always work, thus the no action is the best course of action, has cost me time, displaced energy, pain, and yada yada. However I am complete with me, and my efforts, and I guess in the end, that is what counts. It will be interesting if Sybil does read the book, and what his insights are, and if he chooses to do what the exercises suggest, the sad thing is, I am not really in a frame of mind to be open any more to our possibilities. His latest violation of my trust, really blasted what was left of our broken, but bandaided circle of trust. Its real hard for me because I know in my head that when you are committed there is no alternative, and I have been half here, half some where else lately, like the escape plan. I guess that is part of my lesson in really getting that a scorpian is really a scorpian, and despite the promises, despite my faith and hope, which is -567 today, despite my laziness, despite that sick familiar comfort level, despite the false sense of security, despite my denial, despite the way I bury reality, despite the way I get over my anger, despite my love,despite the fantasy, a scorpian is just that, a scorpian, and they bite.. I know that I have not been authentic, playing with the scorpian, because my authenticty tells me to not play with scorpians.

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