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he always makes me feel i am WRONG.....
October 2, 2006
5:35 am
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straw_berry
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whenever i confront my husbandabout something, especially about his going out and meeting other girls, he has this ability to turn the tables and make me appear that I am the one with the problem, that I am too much of a nag ...and the worst part is that I behave as if I am begging him to forgive me ....

forgive me for doing this girls .... can you please give me some tips on how to handle this situation...

i want to be in control and i want to hold my ground ....i know it's never to late to start and i need your help

straw_berry

October 2, 2006
5:45 am
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nvr2late
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straw_berry..

you are confronting your HUSBAND about meeting GIRLS???
and he makes you feel it is YOUR problem????
what part of the man you are married to meeting girls sound RIGHT?

I would start out by saying...'if you are going out to meet girls, that is a deal breaker, also a marriage breaker...you can DO that, but don't expect me to hang around and watch'.

the classic abuser, I had one like that too, turned everything around on me...I was too controlling, I complained too much...to the point I was believing it.

I remember my ex going to meet with a girlfriend after I filed for divorce, we were still living together, and he told me..'you made me do this'.
I told him to get his a** out of here.
hardest thing I ever did, but necessary.

you need to have enough faith in yourself to not let this man ruin your life.
tell him that he is making his choices, do NOT expect for you to stay around.
let him know that you mean it...
believe me, most men when confronted with their wives leaving, do not take that very well.
but they do take it well when their wife LET'S them see other women and stay, they get the best of both worlds.
and you have the worst of ONE world.

please do not take this abuse, nor let him let you think that it is your fault.

he is a big boy, can make the correct decisions.
those excuses do not, should not work...they might have when he was 6...but they need to grow up.

sorry for sounding so harsh.

please do not let someone walk all over you.

nvr

October 2, 2006
6:36 am
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revelation
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straw-berry.

Relationships should not be about control. At the moment he seems to be controlling you through his abusive tactics...you are losing your grip on control, so you are fighting back for it. But it shouldn't have gotten into a controlling situation in the first place.

Please read up about emotional abuse, as you've mentioned a good few very typical red-flags of emotional abuse in your post...I'm worried about you hun...you need to be fully aware of what he's trying to do here. Not to mention the fact that he's going out and meeting other girls.

The fact that he's trying to convince you that this is ok...trying to pull the wool over your eyes, is just horrible and cruel....he's playing on your insecurities honey, because he probably knows that you doubt yourself about other stuff in your life am I right? So he thinks he can manipulate this situation to make you also doubt yourself...what he's doing it cruel and cold.

You need to check out some stuff and start doing research on emotional and psychological abuse, how to overcome its effects etc.

Can I recommend the "ABUSE HELP" message board of http://www.womansavers.com.
Here at the AAC is also a great resource for finding support, but we are all ordinary people here, and don't have the time sometimes to write down all the symptoms/red-flags etc...so that abuse help board is good for getting the quick pointers.

Anyway, hope this helps.

Rev.

October 2, 2006
10:41 am
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lovingmom
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straw_berry,

I just recently, with the help of many people on this site and their suggestions on where to get information, realized I have been in an emotionally abusive relationship for years. My husband too has the ability of taking every argument we have and turning it around so that he has no responsibility for it. It's almost like he doesn't even know he's doing it. It's so automatic and it is just his "normal". Nothing is ever his fault. If I ever ask him a question that he finds threatening and even if he knows he did something wrong, he will twist words and make it to where I can't even remember what I questioned him about in the first place. I have let him make me believe that every argument is somehow my fault. I take responsibility and always apologize, whether I did anything wrong or not. It's frustrating, to say the least.

Obviously, I have no real advice for you, just wanted to share that with you so you know that it is possible for these people to be emotionally abusive and make us think it is all our fault. You aren't losing your mind, even though it feels like you may be at times.

You'll get some great advice here. I agree with searching "emotional abuse". I found a TON of information and it all validates how I have been feeling for so long. Please stay strong for yourself and educate yourself; I have found that has helped me so much. Good luck to you. You'll be in my thoughts.

lovingmom

October 2, 2006
11:32 am
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turnabout
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Abusers like your husband are DESPERATE for justification. There are two kinds of people: those who face the responsibility of their choices and those who avoid it at all cost. And those who avoid it are doing their dead-level best to avoid any sense of guilt. If they can throw some of it onto you, it relieves them of their burden ... at least, until they screw up again. And they WILL screw up again and again b/c their avoidance of seeing what they're doing wrong gives them no power to fix it.

They're completely blind to this, of course, and there's no reasoning that can break through the wall of blame they use to fortress themselves against the dreaded self-condemnation (which caused them to put up that wall in the first place). Words just won't do it. Unfortunately, their desperate avoidance of accountability has to cause their world to cave in on them, just as their fears said it would if they DIDN'T avoid responsibility, before they'll ever POSSIBLY wake up to how they create their own misery. Many don't even then. They find someone to blame, so that they continue holding onto their sense of control by a thread.

That's what all abuse has in common; Someone is trying to hold onto a sense of control by a thread.

Here's an article I found helpful once-upon-a-time regarding emotional abuse. Check out paragraph # 4:

Emotional Abusers

Love,

turn

October 2, 2006
11:32 am
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lovetocrochet
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Can't add much else to what everyone has said, just wanted to agree that he has no right to keep twisting this around on you. He's being emotionally abusive and like nvr said, meeting up with girls should be a deal-breaker in marriage.

Calling you a nag because you want him to be faithful in every way? For shame! Boooo!

October 2, 2006
11:50 am
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risingfromtheashes
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Turn -

HOW ARE YOU? missed you - hope you are well.

Strawberry - my ex used to tell me I was always right, and he hated it, but when we would argue - he'd tell me that I am frequently wrong and I shouldn't have such a big head or think I always have the right answers. He was frequently turning the tables on me, kept me off balance, questioning my sanity. He cheated on me, yet I asked him to come back. He did it again - there was no looking back this time I made him leave. We argued about EVERYTHING, there didn't seem to be anything we agreed on - and even if I thought we agreed on it - he would catch me off balance later on and tell me I was wrong - assumed the wrong thing, thought the wrong thing, believed the wrong thing, took it the wrong way.....he even convinced the therapist he was right and I was the bigger problem.

I questioned myself, thought I was going crazy and even once was "this" close to checking myself into the mental ward at the local hospital - the only thing that saved me was my higher power and this support board.

you aren't crazy - and you were probably right more than you realize - please know that above all else.

October 3, 2006
5:48 am
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nvr2late
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until you are out of it do you finally see what was happening to you...the blame shifting, the 'keeping you off balance'.
that is TOTALLY it...
making you question yourself.

abusers need that control, and they get it anyway they can.
to walk away with a little more power.

it is a difficult thing, and it does not end...even getting out of it.

my stbx used the legal system to batter me a little bit more.
but I still can walk with my head up high and tell him...his 'winning' was at the cost of my and my kids respect for him.

I remember him saying to me...
"I am a good guy" and I laughed at him...he was SO mad.
I said..'where in anyone's right mind would think what you have done to me and the kids, would WE think you are a good guy??????"

I told him to convince someone else....and he has tried...these new women do not seem to be staying around very long.

as long as you know the truth, keep hold of that as tight as you can, they will try to pry that from your clenched hands.

please please please don't doubt yourself, take care of yourself, believe in yourself.
you are all you have!!

nvr

October 3, 2006
5:59 am
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revelation
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Guys...looks like we are all on the same page here!!

I'm a therapist in training...and I'm in therapy...turn, you hit the nail on the head about the two different types of people.

The type who face up to their responsibilities, and those who will avoid responsibility, accountibility and blame at all costs!

Avoid the latter type of person - easy to find once you know what you are looking for!

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