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Hazza?
February 29, 2000
5:13 pm
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glassgrl
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Hazza,

Ive been reading this site and find your input is usually very wise. We are so lucky to have people like you around to bounce our ideas around with. Have any input for me?

See the post End of 3yr relationship...

glassgrl

March 1, 2000
12:14 am
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janes
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Hey there How are you tonight?
Hazza...I'm writing to ya cuzz ..I want to. Am just a weee biy cranky and have to abrupt to I am taking my book (not a self helper) and going to join hubby whois already asleep. Thx to you and Broc for the compliments. Mean a lot.
why an I this way? Lotsa pain. Lotsa reasons.
The devil is after me big time right now. (dammit). Car blew up. need tires.
working two jobs. Have 5 kids..one's on her own. Husband in college. Oldest daughter says she's gay, has been working in topless bars, is finally getting it together. My mom's had a series of ministrokes. (servesher right-was controlling rigid nagging woman...now she talks slow) Oldest son anxiety disorder. Youngest daughter depression. First true love ran away to the mountains. Nephew died here thre years ago. Hd to do CPR and then ride woth my sis to hosp and deal with that. following year great grams died..here (blessing) month later sister in law died of cancer at 30.
REALLY crzy people at work (parents of crazy kid) People see me as "answer person" teach sunday school, teach youth group, am a teacher and I feel like a fake. smoke to much...etc etc etc etc
I'll meetcha in the bookstore for a cupa tea...and wecan sit and read and not talk and go home feeling like our best friend filled our soul.
But ya know...somewhere the stars are shining in a jet blacksky. and they are twinkling. And somewhere someones flowers are just bursting out of new fresh smeling earth. Adn someone is smelling babies cheek or holding a lovers hand. or saying goodbye.

g'night.

March 1, 2000
5:20 am
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hazza
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HI Glassgrl and Janes.

Well thank you so much for the compliment! But first of all I must let you know that really I am a bit of a fraud!!!

I try my best to help people here because quite often i can really empathise with theit stories, i have often been there myself. HOWEVER, i do not always take the advice i give myself, if so i would be futher down the road of recovery than i am, so bear in mind i can often tell people what i think they SHOULD do but it doesn't mean that i myself do what i SHOULD do! for example, i have been doing tons of work on my co-dependecy and phobias lately and i feel i have moved lightyears away from the pain i was in but i still havent cured it. I still am in the same relationship, giving it a chance to work, even though i know that in order to really heal it would probably be better to be alone, and i also am still very dependent on family right now whilst i am trying to recover from anxiety disorder and agoraphobia, this of course makes me very dependent so, please bear in mind i may know what people SHOULD do in certain situations but i also know the realityies of situations and that it is very very hard sometimes to do the right thing. With me, i have been working towards, over months and months, the RIGHT way of behaving. With me it has been a slow shift towards independence and getting my confidence back, it hasn't been a case of me dumping all my old behaviour patterns over night, rather a daily practice of understanding and trying to be more assertive and learning about me and how to cope with myself.

Many times when giving advice here, we say to people, oh dump him, oh get councelling, oh tell them, and so on. ALthough this is usually right, in the real world it isn't always that easy. People need time to find the courage to make those steps. They need to work things out in their own heads and see what fits with them.

SO please bear in mind, i have not yet acheived all the steps i need to take and i understand that it takes time for everyone to find their way through problems. So anything i say is really a theoretical approach and no-one should ever feel they should do it all in a day - it doesnt work that way.

Glass, in your thread i think that you have been given some real good advice, there is little i can add. I understand that you had to end this relationship becuase of logical and in my view necessary reason. When a reltaionship ends from reasons other than a loss of love, it hurts like hell. YOu ask how to ease the pain immediately, to get you through the hear and now, short answer is Idon't know honey, i wish i could help you, but if i knew the anser to that one i would be a millionaire!! As everyone will tell you time heals, but for the hear and now i would say to you- cry all you can and grieve the loss, your partner has just gone out and hidden his pain by hooking up with someone else real quick, broc has explained that one to you, he (your ex) will have his own shit to deal with in his life. For you this is a new begining, i know that sounds corny, but one day you will wake up a feel the first stirings of optimism, it will grow from there, take this time to get to know you, learn about your depression. Often (not always) depression can come from having buried emotions that you havent come to understand about and dealt with in your self. My depression is greatly reduced these days, even though i have the same shitty problems, becuase i have really got to know myself and really started to take charge of myself and i have now truely accepted that my recovery lies in my own 2 hands and no-one elses, i still have work to do, sure. But i feel much happier since i truely accepted that no knight in shining armour is gonna come as rescue me here!! ANother thing, try to be aware of the difference between reality talking and your negative thoughts talking. Are you family really sick and tired of you???? have they said that? if so was that just anger talking in them? or is it a negative assumption on your side? you need to constantly question your thoughts and make sure your mind isn't trying to distort things! be aware of your cycle, are you more negative then? i am and have found that taking B vitamins in high doses for those days does help me. Maybe you can try to talk to your doctor? or try natural therapies. Use all the healthy crutches you can but realise that you alone can get yourself back to a happy person again, all the rest can only be a tool to you.
Hugs and hope you keep us posted
Peace
Hazza

March 1, 2000
5:45 am
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hazza
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Janes,
Hi there, boy! you have had a lot of stuff to deal with! i don't blame you for feeling totally whacked. here is a good tip, one that i only learned myself recently

YOU ARE NO GOOD TO ANYONE IF YOU ARE SPENT UP. you need to take time oput for you, you can't cure everyones problems, you can only support them whilst they cure themselves, and if you want to be supportive you need to be fit and healthy yourself first or you will be exhausted by other poeple.

It sounds like you are doing too much, i did that and i have spent the last year pointing out to people that i am now taking time for me, someone else can worry about the money, the in- laws or whatever other crap is going on for roght now, i have looked after them all in so many ways, now it is my turn. I feel very selfish, but it has been the only way that i can get myself back on the road towards recovery for myself. I have been to the very edge of despair and nearly jumped, but like you i too know that this is a beautiful universe with mountains and colourful frogs and bats with cute eyes and clouds that look like your neighbour and people who laugh at anything and delicious cakes and chocolate. the list goes on, and quite frankly i don't want to miss out on all that stuff if there is a chance of me seeing some of the good side of life as well as the dark side. And logic says that if i work on being the most healthy i can get, there is more chance of me seeing the sunny things in life, certainly more chance than if i give up now!!

Some people on this site once told us all here that life never throws at you more than you can handle, i think often this is true, your children all have some problems to deal with, but you know all about them! Each of your children has not hidden their own traumas from you, that must tell you that they feel close to you and that you would not judge them. Many people here never talk to their parents about what really hurts them, so okay its loads of pressure for you right now but it does show me that you have a family that is prepared to weather the storms together, you will all get through these tough times.

But you need to take time for you so you are fit and well. Is there anything you could cut back on? sunday school? maybe
you could spent the time doing something luxurious just for you, that in itself is very healing.

I too smoke way too much!!! maybe that tells us something? maybe we both need to find other ways of relaxing rather than the evil weed!!!

ALL these things are really really unfortunate things that life (or the horned one himself!) has thrown at you. I have had times too where it all comes at once, there is nothing i can say to help you on that one, sometimes it just happens that way, no amount of getting mad can change it. YOu can only be philosophical once the initial grief has lifted. If not you start to get the "poor me, whatever next" attitude like my mum has had all her life and i can tell you when you start to think like that all the time, you never ever see the beauty in anything ever again!! I think that is what people mean when they say that people have become "bitter", i don't know, i am just rambling now!

I can only send you my hugs and tell you that things do get better and you need to keep yourself open to happiness so you are ready for it when it comes back to you.

Peace
Hazza

March 1, 2000
6:43 pm
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glassgrl
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Hazza, Thankx for the sincere thoughts. I will try to head your advice about reality vs negative thinking.

glassgrl

March 2, 2000
6:41 am
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janes
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Be assured I try to keep myself open to happiness. I am still working on saying no.
And I'm glad my kids are open enough to shar ewith me. Tho' in my 20 yrdaughters case some of it is "in your face mom" But oh well. there are times I know more than a mom should.

I have been considering taking tomorrow off and going w/hubby to college so I can hang in a big bookstore depends on how things go today at work.

seems like all the docs are changing all the kids meds so we have a lot of bouncing off walls right now.

Then one of my administrators is such an incompetant poop. If he were any dumber he'd be a rock. Too bad he ws the top bosses personal pick for the job.

And me...I'm okay. Need to reread "am I codependent and too good for her own good.
One of my biggest irritants is that since my husbands been in college for 6-7 years I think his self esteem has suffered. I work 2 job right now and maybe three when spring comes. We are barely holding on financially..but at times his ADD gets in the way and I end up doing way more than I should. I lve him drealy but when he is insecure he feels inseucre (duh) and his trust level in me goes down.
He gets scared Im gona leave which I wont do...but.

see ya

smile

have a nice day

March 2, 2000
11:02 am
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hazza
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Janes,
You are holding alot of peoples emotions together for them, and it is tough on you. Maybe there is someway that you can help them develop their own self esteem? i am not sure how but together i reckon we can all here find a few sugestions! you must let you family know that they have to help ease some of this pressure off you though, they are all being quite dependent on you i guess, i think its a case of slowly but surely trying to let go a little and encourage them all to gain a little confidence in themselves!
maybe next time you go to do something for any of them just stop and ask yourself is it something they can do for themselves? would it be better for them to do it? or are they all in the habit of allowing you to do it all? are YOU in the habit of volunteering yourself to do it all? you know - the old thing we do of feeling that if we don't do it ourselves it won't get done properly??
Just some thoughts anyway
Peace
Hazza

March 2, 2000
11:17 am
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Cici
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Hey hazza. I'm writing because....I wanted to say hi and see what's up with you and all that rigamarole. And also I have two exams today and am rigorously trying to avoid studying. ha ha ha.

Anyways, janes, you were saying that your 20yr old daughter is sort of in-your-face. I know what you mean...except I'm the 20yr old daughter! I had major drug problems last year, as hazza can attest, and came to this site after having been through private, expensive rehab that was miserably unsuccessful. I put my mom through a lot and I realize that. The best thing she ever did was to let me stand or fall on my own. She's there for me if I need her. I can always move back home, but I'm better at being on my own now because of that.

Just so you know, eventually, she'll appreciate you.

March 2, 2000
6:39 pm
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janes
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Thx cici.. she is getting getting better. she says she's drug and alc. free... and she lives on the other side of the state and is getting better at keeping jobs longer and setting goals etc. I did buy her the book on codependence by Melody Beattie..
She has said she feels bad about what she did but also looks at it as a learning esperience. Her being gay is the least of my worries. she's finally taking another college class and seems happier most of the time. She vacillates on the dairy free diet. but...she's doing okay. A coupla weeks ago she did ask to move home and I said her room is availavle but it valuable for her to be on her own.
the 18 year ld son has enlisted in the Navy...Two more to launch into life and ..then...It's MI TIME!!!

I'm fine today...working on me and raising a family..whew.

Thx for the uplifting message

March 2, 2000
7:34 pm
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janes
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hazza..somehow..I skipped your post and you are absoulutely right...I have detached someshat. I don't freak out anymore which is a big step and if I feel the anxiety I used to feel about the kids (not graduating on time, possibloity of doing drugs sex etc.) I decided long ago when the drama queen (the 20 year old) was still here to TAKE peace from God. Not to wait for Him to give it but to take it. It has to be an active taking and it is HARD!!
But it works for me.
Actually am taking your advice as we speak. the 13 yer old (Princess) and her 15 year old brother (the comedian)
have gathered the laundry and are doing a load together. (Starting to get a little loud..)
wil keep you posted about progress

THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

March 3, 2000
5:08 am
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hazza
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Hi Janes,
You should see my "little" brother of 17 trying to wash the dishes!!! it is almost pityful. but we sometimes get him to do it. good luck with it all, you are sounding happier today.

Cici, hi there, i don't speak much on your threads my dear 'cos they are just so deep!!!! im too lazy even to think sometimes these days! but wish you well as always, how is the puppy? do you still have him or is someone else looking after him right now? we got a puppy at Xmas, she is still a total cutey pie!
Peace
Hazza

March 4, 2000
2:28 pm
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Brittainy
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Hello Hazza what do you do for a living? Are you in the caring profession? Your words are always so encouraging and warming. I'm so low and stressed at the moment that I don't know what to do. I work as a crisis counsellor and at the moment my work load is keeping me busy 20 hours a day. I'm exhausted, but how can I tell my clients that I'm exhausted. During the day I run my own mental health user group and at night I run by crisis support telephone line service. I would take any advice, as I've got loads of people to look after. Where is my support when I'm so overloaded?

March 4, 2000
7:41 pm
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janes
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Brittainy

You would take your advice? or you DO take your advice? Please do!! because there are so many needy people. but if the caring pople burnout...........

How do you tell your clients...."I am exausted" in just those words.

take care of yourself..you have to be number one. Don't be a codependent caretaker..it'snot healthy for you or the ones you want to help

PLEASE TAKE CARE!!!!!

March 6, 2000
5:30 am
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Brittainy
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Thanks for your words of courage Hazza. I'm going to slow my workload down and give myself some breathing space.

March 9, 2000
7:26 am
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janes
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Hey Hazza...are you ouat of town? I miss you!

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