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Hazza is back!!!
March 13, 2000
7:14 am
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hazza
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Hello friends,
I have not been away but have been very busy! i am gonna try to read all the threads since i was last here but it gets confusing when there are so many,
If you like to make my life easier anyway, please write here and update me with all that has been happening to you all! It will be easier for me!!
I am doing okay, have made some progress with agoraphobia - i can nopw walk to the post box and feel calm!!! big event for me! today the post box, tommorrow the next one maybe! i will get my life back!!
So i shall read up now and see how you all are doing
Take care all, nice to see ya again.
Oh, someone asked what i do for a living, well right now i don't work but i have started doing a catering business which has a contract at the local college for one day a week and i also make jewellery which i sell, soon to appear at my website, which i shall plug to you all shortly. I am not in the caring profession but i seem to have aquired a lot of people who phone me up for councelling!
hugs
Hazza

March 13, 2000
7:49 am
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janes
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Don't fib..you ARE in the caring profession right here. Glad to hear ou can make it to the "mailbox". That is a big step>

Lots of new problems on this hom front but nothing I hhave posted about.

Just having fun discusising things with everyone and exploring....

Have a nice day!!!!

March 13, 2000
8:44 am
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hazza
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thats great to hear from you Janes, thanks for the comliment, it is great to see you giving so much wisdom to everyone here, but make sure you take your own share of help back okay?! don't forget to share if it helps!
hugs
Hazza

March 13, 2000
9:21 am
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Cici
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Hey hazza,

How are you doing lately? Good I hope. I guess, busy. I've been pretty busy lately too and I find it so hard to keep up with the different threads and new people and stuff like that! Ack! I feel like I'm falling behind in classes or something, with all of this stuff here. Oh, well. I used to be so good at keeping up and postin ghtings. Blah!

I'm doing good, though. My boyfriend asked me to marry him, and all of a sudden I go from being a druggie six months ago to settling down like an old married lady. who knew?

March 13, 2000
10:01 am
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hazza
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Hey Cici,
i am really happy for you both, it is great when 2 people can change for the better at the same time and keep together through it all, well done!

don't you forget your schooling though young lady!!! don't forget you are going to be a doctor by the time you are my age!

Hugs
Hazza

March 13, 2000
11:27 am
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kay
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Hello Hazza, it is great to hear from you. I know I don't post much lately but I read nearly all the threads and I look forward to everybodies good advice. You were definately missed. I am happy to hear you are making positive steps for yourself.

I have been really busy myself with work and the wedding. God, I can't wait for the next three months to pass!

I also found out a secret of my Dad's, he could no longer hide the fact that he had prostate cancer when he finally went in for surgery last week. He is at home now and it went really well. They caught the cancer at a really early stage and could remove the prostate, they don't think it spread to other organs at all. But either way it explained a lot of the tension in my house. There has been so much more going on but nothing I have been posting, I only feel like reading now.

Can't wait to hear more from you.

March 13, 2000
11:34 am
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hazza
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Hey Kay,
great to hear from you,i am so sorry your dad has been so ill, but hopefully he should make a speedy recovery. I hope things are getting better for you and that you are not stressing yourself out too much with the wedding preparations, they can be so much hard work! but worth it! good luck with everything, i for one would love an update of how things are going if you ever feel like you want to! take care of yourself and good luck with the wedding.
Hugs
Hazza

March 13, 2000
2:22 pm
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Brenda
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Brenda here
doing great. I now intellectually and emotionally understand the importance of not getting sucked back into victimhood and blame, I am taking full responsibility for my life and relationships, great strides here...hubby seems to be striding along with me due to the my inspiration, he may be able to keep up or he may not, either way, I know I am doing the best for myself and him. I am letting him learn his own lessons and no longer enabling him to stay a victim in his own life either.
I am learning who I really am, what I really FEEL about people, situations, life..making clear, strong boundaries for others to touch and feel ( as well as myself ) who can no longer break or disrespect.
What a transformational process.
In the past I have taken a couple steps forwards and one back, but things are really progressing now......no looking back here!
It feels like I have taken off a heavy cumbersome jacket and some dirty glasses...and feeling the sun shine down upon me as I sit on a sandy beach that stretches forever. I look behind me and see my past, but no longer clutch it to my breast, i let it go and took the lessons and am looking forward to surrendering to the beautiful experience of swimming in the unpredictable ocean, without control our fear. I have been healing for a long time, I have continued to be challenged with the importance of "taking care of myself" and haven't always had such doubtless growth, but I can truly feel my inner strength and recovery...God bless you all. I hope you all find the same peace.

March 14, 2000
7:31 am
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lost soul
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Hi Hazza, its good to hear from you! I have been missing you all these while. I also like to take this oppotunity to say "HI " to Karin. Hope she will see this and keep in touch with us.

March 14, 2000
2:44 pm
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Brenda
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Hey Hazza, did you know, agoraphobia is basically manifesting for you because you are afraid to face and deal with life and the world.
the stuff you have to deal with with your bf is worse, dear, believe me.
Life doesnt need to be fear, pain and suffering. we suffer when we get stuck in our pain, when we dont move on. We let our past dictate our present and future. I know its scary to be alone with bf, especially with phobias, but you really are going to have to slowly expose yourself to doing things alone, go further than the mail box..sit in your car..Dont put yourself in a state of dependence..only on yourself, depend on yourself.
Bring yourself out of yourself and your focus off him, do volunteer work somehow, perhaps there is something you can do by having people come to your home,maybe the elderly for company and chat. It would be good for you and them...

March 14, 2000
7:53 pm
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Jaytong
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don't know what to say.....haven't read this thread until today. But I'm glad that you're back. .....just want to say thank you. I didn't always respond to what your posts, but I've read quite a lot from you in other thread. um....am still a "student" learning thro' this site. your posts help a lot...

March 16, 2000
7:45 am
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hazza
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Thanks Brenda and JT!
Brenda, my agoraphobia has been with me long before i even met my current boyfriend! there are always reason for it, but it is in large part due to breain chemistry too, although the drugs available don't seem to work too well for it! as you say gradual exposure is the way forward, luckily i have a good program i am on with this and although it takes time, i will get there. The one thing that people who don't suffer underestimate is the time it takes to recover! After all, you don't become a sufferer overnight, the same with recovery. Part of the intial attraction with my boyfriend was undoubtably the fact that he understoof these issues and whatever his down sides are, it does help that he knows what i am talking about from a personal point of view. Sure this has meant we have had all kinds of other crap, but right now, we are in a place where we both recognise the need for change in ourselves, so both seem to be moving in the right direction.

Broc, i am sorry but as much as i like and respect your imput here, i do not have the time or inclination to dispute with you your theories on my posts, maybe you can call it denial, but i really think that you seem to view all relationships as having followed the pattern that your own experience has. I coul;d spend for ever and a day debating with you, but the bottome line is i think there are many different routes to recovery as many as there are different types of relationships and co-dependence. i think each person has to find their own way. I don't personally believe that one person it the world knows all the answers to it all just becuase he or she has sold the most books or done the most seminars on the subject. I have to work within the boundaries of who i am and also take into consideration my phobic disabilities. It is a combination of 2 problems that i am overcoming and with respect to all here, although they may feel that they can advise on the agoraphobia and see it as part of co-dep. It isn't, and i have groups where i talk about the agoraphobia to people who suffer and i find there that people have a better understanding of that particular copndition, just like here i get help and advice about co-dependence. It is only me who can understand the fine balance between these 2 things in my life and understand how one does or does not affect the other. The co-dep problems i have had are very much in the past for me now, meaning that they are not the issues in my life that are causing me problems, just becuase i got there a different way to you and just becuase i acheived an outcome which is different to what you beleive is the final recovery step for a co-dep does NOT mean i am still lost in the wilderness, or in denial, and to be honest, your attitude at that point comes across as a little bit arrogant. Do we say to Cici that she will go back her drug problems? or is she only "cured" if she has had therapy? the reason Cici found her way through was down to her personal choice to change, whatever tools she used was a personal choice of hers. The same with me amd my boyfriend. How dare you tell me he and myself are playing the same games of manipulation? the whole point of my post was that we stopped doing that, but to point out that it takes great effort, practice and a will on both sides to do and that also it comes with a price. My message to brenda was to say that it can be possible, but to consider whether it was worth all the hard work and to point out to her that unless she made the decision that her current lifestyle must change and that her husband realised what he was at risk of losing, there could be no progress anyway. All i am saying is that there are many solutions to these problems and they don't all have to involve a break up in the relationship, but the relationship has to change and both parties must recognise the genuine need for change. That said, it is almost always easier to leave and start again. There is a big difference between being afraid to leave (co-dep) and staying and making the relationship HEALTHY becuase you both want to do that. As i said, i have NO fear whatso ever anymore of my relationship ending, i am now in it becuase i want to be and i want to see what happens, if ultimatley despite both our efforts it doesn't work then so be it, but so far it is starting to show improvements.
I just feel sometimes Broc, that you are repeating stuff that the therapists have told you, and they can only ever work from averages, if any one of them tells you something is Black and White, then quite frankly i would ask for a refund! because life and people are not like that.
As always, with my utmost respect for you and your imput, even if you make me mad sometimes!!!!!;)
Hazza

March 16, 2000
3:31 pm
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kay
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Hazza, you should be proud of all your accomplishments in the past year, it sounds like you can be really honest with yourself and I admire that. At the same time I think Broc is just watching your back, he doesn't want to hurt you.

A year can go by so quickly and you have many accomplishments, don't let them overwhelm you with too much confidence. I'm not saying don't be confident, your self esteem seems really high now and that is good. I just don't want to see you leave yourself open to crash again. I believe what you are building between you and the bf will work as long as all communications stay open and you keep living for yourself and loving youself.

So I don't know much about agoraphobia, what are some of the warning signs? You have made a lot of strides in that area, tell me more. Is there a good website for info?

March 16, 2000
7:49 pm
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BROC
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Hazza,

My last post to you, ok?

Your right, I'm wrong. Your threatening your bf had nothing to do with his sudden rush to change himself. I obviously mis-read your post. I understood it to read "oh, is that the only thing you wanted" and when you said yes, he panicked, knew he FIANALLY had pushed you too far, and fucking panicked like a five year old would....just like we all have or used to anyway. ABANDONMENT. RACED HIS ASS HOME AND PROMISED HIS UNDYING LOVE TO CHANGE. Again, I guess I mis-read that.

Instead, somewhere in there, there must have been something along the lines of "yeah folks, he came home, said HONEY, I REALLY HAVE DECIDED THAT I NEED TO CHANGE TO GET MY LIFE RIGHT. NOT BECAUSE I KEEP HURTING YOU, US, ETC. BUT BECAUSE I KEEP HURTING ME. I SEE THAT, REALIZE THAT, AND AM GOING TO ROLL UP MY SLEVES. I ENROLLED IN AA, CODA, BOUGHT SOME BOOK (ALL ON MY OWN WITHOUT A WORD FROM YOU) AND I AM GOING TO MAKE MYSELF RIGHT, WHICH WILL IN TURN DRASTICALLY HELP YOU AND I AS A COUPLE SINCE YOUR DOING YOUR WORK.

SORRY, I MISSED THAT PART.

OUT-

March 17, 2000
4:27 am
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hazza
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Hey Broc,
I never said that he wasn't / isn't being co-dep still, hell maybe it was panic that made him realise he needed to change, but he knows that change is needed WHEREEVER his life takes him from now, so that is the point isn't it, surely it is fear in everyone that makes them know they need to change - like you and us all, we wake up one day and FEAR the thought of life with this much pain continuing, so we realise we need to sort our shit out, don't tell me fear is not an essential part of recovery because it is and you know it, a drug used want to get of drugs because they FEAR what the drugs will do if they continue to use them. come on, fear is nearly always the motivator to change.
the point is i was no longer afraid top be alone, i can't speak for anyone else can i ?
Haz

March 17, 2000
8:38 pm
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janes
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I think no longer being afriad to be alone IS A MAJOR STEP. (it's a woman thing Broc) And actually we , as woman, are trained that we should not be alone. We need no NEED someone to take care of us (bull)

But it is very hard to get over the training.

That's why I like the book...too good for her own good. it does address codep issues but the ones we as women automatically have.

Just one more view.

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