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having thoughts ... bmom
August 21, 2007
10:30 pm
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bmom74
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Thanks, Ma and Taj. I really do appreciate your words of encouragement, I truly do. I just am feeling so damn frustrated right now because I cannot get this guy out of my head. It is true I am better I guess than 7 weeks ago but thoughts of him are still in my head all the time. I wake up in the morning and think about him. I think about him numerous times throughout the day. Other guys ask me out and I don't go because I am just not into it. All of this makes me feel like a nervous emotional outcast ... what successful, smart (at least I think so!) person goes around like this and cannot get someone so unhealthy out of their brain? And, being still in love with him on top of that makes it even worse. I felt like I was progressing fairly well but now I feel I am back to doing Step 1 and need to recognize I am powerless over my life and to turn it over to God.

Thanks for the words of encouragement though. I just luv you guys.

August 21, 2007
10:52 pm
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Honolulugal
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BMom, ALL of us, that's who! Don't you think for a second that you invented those feelings. The only reason any of us can offer any guidance is that we HAVE been there.

Hell and dangnation, I was in a tailspin for MONTHS the first time exN dropped me! I just spent 10 months away from him. I can attest to the fact that it gets easier and your feelings do change.

As mentioned above, my most important BF who dumped me, lasted the longest in my head and heart. 2 YEARS! Now, that won't be the case with you, but trust -- in time. It will wound this heel.

Have some faith. You will seesaw for a while. It's expected.

H-gal

August 24, 2007
10:38 am
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bmom74
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Hi, guys. Just thought I would share something that happened this morning. I was driving to work coming down the highway I normally do. I looked in the rear view mirror and just happened to see the ex a few cars behind me. Of course, I just kept driving but get this ... he pulled right up beside me so that he was even with me so I could not help but see him ... and then he pulled away and drove on without so much as a wave or anything. He really, really hates me. I know .... why should I care? Believe it or not, I am doing okay with it. I am not falling apart or anything like I would have say six weeks ago but I am perplexed as to why he seems to hate me so much. HE IS THE ONE WHO SCREWED UP! I know what you are going to say ... it does not matter what he thinks and, believe me, I am working on that. However, him hating me is a tough one for me to get my arms around. I did so much for him, I just don't get it.

August 24, 2007
1:57 pm
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bmom74
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Taj or Ma ... are you there?? I could use some talk today about my feelings about him hating me so much. I know you will tell me it does not matter what he thinks ... but I would sure love to hear it from you two! It would help. I am not falling apart like I would have six weeks ago but it is on my mind I must admit.

August 24, 2007
3:14 pm
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Honolulugal
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Actually Bmom, I don't think he hates you at all. This is going to sound harsh, but it should be said.

To "hate" implies a wealth of feeling. Unfortunately, I don't think he HAS feelings for you. Maybe wanting to make you feel small and sad, in order to make himself feel powerful, but that's about it. If he did hate you, then maybe you feel you could go somewhere with that?

To me, the worst feeling in the world is knowing someone just doesn't give a hoot if I live or die. THAT'S really difficult. Yet, it also helps you to move away from them. After awhile, you won't care about them either.

Remember, the opposite of love is NOT hate. It's indifference.

I'll check back on you later...

H-gal

August 24, 2007
3:38 pm
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bmom74
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Well, you could be right, H-gal. Maybe I am hoping for more than indifference. Who knows. I am not aware that I am but it is not unusual for me to not be aware as we know from my posts!

I guess I see indifference differently. When my exhusband and I divorced, I was truly indifferent to him. I wanted a divorce for so long that I was just indifferent by the time it happened. For me anyway, it was not hard for me to be nice to him because I just didn't care and I thought that was indifference. I guess that is how I would expect the "ex" to act these days. But I realize everyone responds differently.

Thanks for the perspective.

August 24, 2007
6:32 pm
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taj64
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I would not read anything into it. Could be he was just driving and you read something in it that was not really there. Beside who cares what he thinks, what is it going to matter anyway? You do not have a relationship with him and whether or not he cares, it is not going to matter. In my opinion your ex is indifferent but you perceive it to be attention even if it is negative, you still want it. I tihkn you would rather him feel hate towards you than being indifferent. Hate and love are polars yet both strong emotions. Indifference means just not caring. I think you deserve better than this bmom. Perhaps not drive around areas in might be in, etc. I know that is hard for some people. He has gone on now, so must you. Keep rebuilding and moving on. you are not going to get an answer about this guy and even if you do, where are you in this anyway? Stay firm on your path, do what you can to avoid this man.

August 24, 2007
6:59 pm
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StronginHim77
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Bmom -

Sorry I didn't post sooner today. Have been running about like a chicken for the past 24 hours and FINALLY got a chance to sit and read your thread.

The word that came to my mind, while reading your description of him driving alongside your car, then taking off is this: IMMATURE. That is the sort of silly "look-at-me-look-at-me" behavior I would expect of a teenager. It SCREAMS emotional immaturity and attention-getting effort. This guy is clueless. He might be an adult chronologically, but he's totally stunted, emotionally. Small wonder he didn't love you. He is INCAPABLE of love. Love requires maturity and the capacity to GIVE.

I don't think he hates you. I think he is indifferent about YOU, but outraged that someone sees through him and has drawn healthy boundaries to stop his game-playing and manipulation. He doesn't have the depth to "hate" anyone. He is just doing some very shallow, very juvenile, attention-getting shenanigans.

Most of us have probably had the experience of breaking up with someone, then running into them and HOPING they would show some reaction to our presence...some sign that they still cared or were devastated over losing us. I think it's kinda normal to wish that. I sure have on more than a few occasions with some ex's. Each of us longs to feel that we are unique, irreplaceable and loved. When the relationship ends, it can be very hard on our self-confidence (even if the guy is a total JERK, mind you). We long for some sign that the guy regrets losing us, some acknowledgment that we are, indeed, valuable and irreplaceable and deeply missed. That the idiot realizes what a great thing he blew. RIGHT?

This guy is not going to give you any of that because he is INCAPABLE of ever appreciating and acknowledging how great a woman you are. If he had realized and appreciated you, he would have worked his tail off to please you and improve himself. And if he were a decent human being, his SON would be his priority. He would be moving heaven and hell to provide a loving home for his son and to give his son the emotional acceptance and reassurance he needs -- and deserves. If he can't do right by his own child, how could you expect him to do right by any woman???

OK. There are my thoughts. You are having a tough day. We all do. We can feel strong for days...even weeks...then get flattened with depression or grieving. From out of nowhere. Although seeing him in his stupid car today didn't help much, either. Tell yourself that TOMORROW WILL BE BETTER. And it will. We go through withdrawal from these toxic relationships ONE DAY AT A TIME. Just like an addict, recovering from the urges to get a "fix."

I will try to check on you later.

HUGS -

Ma Strong

August 25, 2007
9:50 am
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StronginHim77
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Heading out for the day, but wanted to give you a "heads up," Bmom, and encourage you to schedule some enjoyable activities for yourself this weekend with friends who CARE. Be kind to yourself and DON'T isolate. Get out of that house and be as active as possible, doing things you enjoy.

See you later.

HUGS,

Ma Strong

August 25, 2007
5:25 pm
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bmom74
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Hi, Taj and Ma. Thanks for the insight. Thought provoking as always.

First, Taj, the road I saw him on is a heavily travled highway here in our area that is very busy in the morning with commuters. I guess I could figure out a different route but it certainly would not be as fast. Hopefully, this is a one time incident since I have not seen him going to work this way since he left my home.

Ma, yes, wouldn't it be nice to feel we are unique, irreplaceable and loved. To feel the opposite of that, such as indifference, is tough to swallow. I can remember talks he and I had where he cried in front of me or shared vulnerabilities with me and I wonder how then can he be so indifferent now? Maybe his seemingly vulnerability was just all part of the big con he played on me.

I did accept a date to go out tonight so, yes, I am getting out of the house this weekend and plan to have fun. This guy has asked me out a couple of times already but I did not go because as I have said on here before, just no interest. However, I am just looking for fun so, hopefully, I will find that tonight.

Another note ... I found out the woman the ex lives with is mildly retarded and has a drug history like he does. This does not make her a bad person in any way but, again, I just wonder. It also really bugged me because I heard he gives her money for whatever she wants, gas, eating out, etc. When he lived with me, he never had any money and I bought everything. Again ... I am a college graduate with hours toward my Masters ... although who would know that with the way I have been a wreck over this whole thing.

I know ... I know ... does not matter what he does and actually as the person was telling me this, before they spoke any further I stopped them and told them I did not want to hear anymore about him. As they were talking, I could feel myself just begin to take steps backward and I knew I had to stop it before it went any further. This particular person had never talked about the ex before so it kind of took me off guard but I knew I could not let it go any further.

The one good thing about the last couple of days is I feel like a door is starting to open ... perhaps just a crack ... but everyone has told me for months now what a jerk he is, how he is incapable of feeling anything and how the heck could I care about a guy like this? I have rationally understood what people were saying but just could not "see it" if you know what I mean. Now, I can start to see a "light" if you will like a door beginning to crack open ... literally, I can pretty much see this door in my head and it is like I am beginning to see what everyone has been saying ... I am not totally there yet but I have never even seen this door start to crack before. Maybe I am getting back on track.

August 27, 2007
11:11 am
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bmom74
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Hi everyone. Just thought I would post and let you know I am "hanging in" ... a little stronger today I think. Taking a day at a time.

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