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Having a real BAD day
February 27, 2006
9:40 am
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sird
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I don’t understand how some people can just walk away from someone they have lived (and loved - have my doubts about that one) with for last year as though they just passed a stranger on the street going the opposite direction. I can deal with the pain. I have dealt with pain all my life. I just can’t get past being treated as though I never really mattered. As if I were a stepping-stone created by God to allow her to jump to the next great love of her life (I understand after just a month and a half she is in another live in relationship). She wrote me e-mail three weeks after she broke up with me (un-solicited, I have not initiated and contact with her as it would do no good) that she was so "…very very happy at this point" and "everything happens for a reason". Translation: I was put on this earth to server as a distraction until the person she truly loved came along. Why did she find the need to tell me that? As though I didn’t feel bad enough I now have to live with the knowledge that I didn’t measure up. After everything I have learned about her in the past two month why can’t I just put her memory? I just really don’t "get" people. I would have given her anything that was in my power to give (my life if necessary) and I was just cast to the side and rushed out of her house to make room for the next one. I feel so far removed from everything and everyone right now. I just feel like I don’t belong anywhere. Having a real bad day. Thanks for listening.

February 27, 2006
10:37 am
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CAMER
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so were you going with her for a year or so???

think about it, she is with another man now, living with him, within a matter of a month 1/2 she is already living with someone else...she will most likely do the same thing to him.

How was the relationship, honestly..for the length of time you were both together??? did she seem into you and/or did you both rush into the relationship??

February 27, 2006
11:22 am
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sird
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I suppose it was rushed. Within four months of our meeting we moved in together. With regard to how she was with me: During the first year we were very good friends and never fought. Our physical and emotional contributions to the relationship were very healthy. She wrote me an e-mail back at the end of October that read I was her soul mate and how I completed her. Then in January I was discarded. It feels like I went to bed loving this person and woke up the next day wondering who the hell was lying across from me.

Knowing what I know now I am better off without her Camer. There is no doubt in my mind about that. I guess my frustration is that I was so naive. How do you know when to trust? Is that the secret, don't rush in? I have had similar situations where the relationship had a more respectable "pace". I don’t think there is a formula or method (unless someone out there knows one) that will calculate just how long it takes for the "masks" to come off and what to expect when they do. So what’s the secret or the point for that matter? Are we just setting ourselves up for disappointment?

Sird

February 27, 2006
11:36 am
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mj
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Hi Sird,
Seems to me that you could use some heavy doses of Self Love! Listen to the tapes you are playing in your head. I would love to hear you say some Positive Self Affirmations to counter balance the negative. It's YOUR LIFE. YOU have Choices! Their are never any Guarantees.

I use to believe as you. Then I learned to focus on the things I can change. Myself, my attitude, my behavior, my self tapes! It is hard work but the rewards are Great!

You aren't alone!

February 27, 2006
12:34 pm
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sird
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Thanks mj,
You are correct of course. It’s just that this time I thought I had finally found it. I thought I could be like everyone else and have a healthy normal relationship. Maybe it was that desire that put the veil over my eyes in the first place. The truth about her was always there. I didn't see it until it was staring me in the face. You know this isn’t even about “her” anymore. All our lives we are brought up thinking that love is the answer the “higher power”. "…It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres. Love never fails." -- I Corinthians 13:4-8a (NIV). Now I realize that it is the complete opposite (it almost always fails). I don't know how to go about changing that tape. It turned out to be the same thing I have dealt with all my life. Rationally, I know in any relationship we have choices and very little control. I know that it took both of us to start the relationship and both of us to end it. I absolutely agree that I am trying too hard to look for the answer outside myself. I need to be happy and love myself first and then if it happens it happens. I can hear myself say all of this and yet I have days where I can’t seem to find the reason. I have tricked myself into believing that it’s always a phone call away and lies with my X. You are right. I am focused on the negative because right now there really isn’t that much positive in my life. I am recently out of a one year relationship with someone I trusted and loved who stole from me, left me homeless for about a week, cheated on me, and cast me and my memory out as though I was yesterdays trash. I am just so discouraged and angry.

I am trying to cope with it all. I have ordered Codependent No More and The Language of Letting Go (they will probably be in the mail when I get home tonight). My first counseling session is tomorrow and this post has helped tremendously. I really thought I was making progress and on the road to recovery then yesterday all of this hit me like a ton of bricks: I am really alone and will probably always be alone.

I am so sorry in advance if I have brought any of you who read this down. I just really need some encouragement and direction

February 27, 2006
12:53 pm
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luv2luvher
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Sird,

I all to well know the pain you talk about. About 2 years ago my ex of 5 years up and left me. We had seem to be going down the road to marriage and all that. Well, about a month after she left and I moved out, she calls me to tell me she is pregnant. Well, lets just say it wasn't mine. Why did she call? This I do not know but with the help of this site and many self help books later, I am actually in a new relationship and I have applied all that I have learned and I feel I am headed down a good road for once in my life. I didn't go looking for love it just happened. I think we all go through our pain so that one day when we truly find what is meant for us, we can truly appreciate it and apply all our past to make sure we do not make the same mistakes. Not that I am saying you made any mistakes, but we are all human so there are room for error. The one thing that got me through it all was this site and the fact we are not alone when we are in need or not. There is always a place to turn. There are always people around that can either relate or at the very least lend an ear to listen.

We might not be able to tell you what you want to hear or even give you any advise but remember we are hear to listen(read in this case). After about two relationships that this has happened to me in, I to was ready to lay down and give up. But I thank God that I didn't. I would have never met the person that is in my life now. The bible quote you listed above is my favorite. I sent that to my new love intrest, cause we started to go to church together. Which is something I have never done before. I believe love never fails, your relationships are lessons and are intended for reasons, if you really look at the relationship, you will probably discover some self help and be able to understand what exactly the lesson was. And when you do you will know Love did not fail you. It was just time for that relationship to end for you to move on to hopefully the real thing in the next one. Please keep your head up and know that you are not alone and we all here at the AAC site care for you and about you.

Much Luv,
Luv2

February 27, 2006
12:58 pm
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mj
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I think that it is appropriate to be honest with what you are feeling. Anger, disappointment, feeling alone, and all these real feelings.

I wanted to give you some Hope! Hope that you can change the things that aren't working for you. Hope that our choices can be accepted as lessons and for our true growth. Hope that we are not alone. Others do geniunely care about us and can lift us up when we don't have the strength to do that. I believe that when we love ourselves, we can give our love away freely without expectations.

February 27, 2006
1:56 pm
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sird
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Thank you Camer, luv2, and mj. I guess I have a long road ahead and many lessons to learn. I am trying. Maybe one day soon the good days will begin to outnumber the bad until I find my place in the sun.

Sincerely,

Sird

February 27, 2006
2:02 pm
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asha
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Hi, Sird. I'm speaking as someone who's jumped from one relationship to another. Hopefully, my perspective can help ease your pain a little. I've hurt many people's feelings and now have to live with regret as a consequence of my irresponsibility.

All the men I've dated were wonderful people in their own way. But my personal issues got in the way of having a healthy relationship with any of them. Everything I did wrong was a result of my own self absorption and DID NOT reflect on the character or value of the men I hurt.

Whatever that girl's motives were for what she did, don't take it personally. Anyone who would go from one live-in lover to another without a personal break in between is functioning from a very lonely place in their heart. She's lost. But that's her problem to solve.

What she did has nothing to do with you or your worth. Remember you're valuable regardless of how others treat you.

February 27, 2006
3:21 pm
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sird
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Thank you for your honesty Asha. You were right when you said she was lost. She has one of the most troubling pasts I have ever heard about. Looking back one of the biggest mistakes I made was thinking I could somehow fix it. I do wish her the best and hope that one day she will get professional help. I do still love the person I thought she was.

February 28, 2006
11:21 am
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asha
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Sird, you're wise to look back and review the mistakes you've made. Next time, you'll be less likely to repeat that pattern. I think it was Jackson Brown who wrote in Life's Little Instruction Book, "When you lose, don't lose the lesson."

Dealing with this kind of loss is heatbreaking. I feel for you. Hang in there, Sird.

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