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Having A Hard Time With Something - Danielle
May 3, 2007
7:22 pm
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danielle7373
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So I've been struggling with my no contact with my ex lately - one week though, that i'm proud of. YAY!

But this Saturday marks the six-year anniversary of my mom's death. I'm 26, and she committed suicide May 5, 2001 (age 45). She had been missing for a few days, and then someone found her in her car in a parking lot in another state. She had overdosed on pain medication and alcohol.

I don't think she intended to die because the amounts weren't large - but she never drank, so they said the combination was just too much for her. They said from the amounts she had just taken the pills and alcohol to numb herself.

Also, I had been living with her at the time, and she was supposed to go out of town with her girlfriends that weekend. And I honestly think if she meant to die, she would've called me to say good-bye... but anyway...

She and my dad had gotten into a huge fight the day she went missing. They were going through a divorce that got ugly - she had been having an affair.

I've been in therapy to deal with this, and also to a grief counselor with my dad. (My younger sister wouldn't go.)

But the more I understand co-dependency, I keep thinking about the whole situation.

I know my mom was seeing a psychiatrist for about a year before she died. She and my dad tried counseling, too.

But my parents were high school sweethearts. They both come from large Catholic families (10 kids in each family). According to everyone I ever met, I had the perfect parents. They were so cool. They were so helpful. I was always like "yeah, whatever".

But they never showed any love or affection - to each other, or to my sister and me. In high school, I went to a therapist, and that was the first thing we uncovered. So we worked with my parents on that. They started saying "I love you" to us. They weren't abusive. They didn't drink. But nothing was ever talked about.

And after talking with people and reading my mom's journal after she died, I know that part of reasons for the affair was she wanted affection. My dad thought he was being a good husband and father by working and providing money and a house, etc... He didn't realize my mom wanted more because they just didn't communicate, and she never spoke up. So in their counseling, they worked on that.

As I read other stories of codependency, I can't relate so closely to the alcoholism and drug addicts and physical/sexual abuse... and I've wondered, "Where does this come from? I wasn't abused. I didn't see abuse." But I finally read one I could relate to where emotions and feelings were suppressed, and it started to make sense to me. My parents never communicated. They always did things for everyone else, and it has worn them out (at least my dad now, and maybe my mom before she died). They were always sucking it up to do things for everyone else.

I don't want to sound like I'm blaming them for this, by the way. I'm just explaining some of the things I've come to understand and accept that may kind of explain why I feel I need to help everyone with their problems.

Since my mom's death, my dad and I have gotten closer. I'm able to talk to him about anything. My therapist even had him read "The Five Languages of Love" after she had me read it. I "know" i have the best dad in the world because he's there for us no matter what. He'll bend over backwards to help my sister and me with ANYTHING. But the reason I don't feel the love is because I crave affection - hugs, gentle touches, etc. So my dad has begun hugging me more, or touching my arm to say hello. I can tell it's kind of awkward for him, but the effort means so much to me.

But as my mom's death and mother's day come around every year, it gets HARD. This is the first year I've actually felt bitter about it - maybe because I'm dealing with moving on from my ex, too?? I don't know... In past years, it's just always been VERY sad... but this year, when people mention cinco de mayo or mother's day, i just get angry at them - most likely because I hate that my mom is physically gone and they are excited to celebrate the day. I don't mean to be angry, because most of me has just accepted my mom is gone, and it sucks.

I think I've dealt with it appropriately enough - I know it's something that will never go away. I know I'm okay most days, but then I hit a rough spot where I JUST WANT MY MOM. I feel like a baby - I'm 26 and cry because I want my mom?? But it's hard. I have more about 20 aunts and friends of my mom who have reached out and are there, but it's not the same. It means so much to me... but there's still something huge missing.

And my dad tries to be there... but he's not a woman 🙂

So I'm trying to deal with no contact. And I miss my mom. I just want this to go away, too. It helps to look at pictures and remember the good times... but this is just another thing I have to deal with without running and avoiding thinking about it...

So any support or similar stories would be great 🙂 Thanks for letting me vent...

May 3, 2007
7:30 pm
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on my way
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danielle, bless your heart.

So sorry for your personal loss. I don't think losing a parent or child for that matter is ever an easy thing to accept. I know sometimes it is hard when holidays come around and emotionally we may want to the world to stop and grieve or acknowledge this very important person's death, and it seems inhumane that they don't...as in 'life goes on'...but it does, and it sounds even though you are very sad, you have your dad. He probably is very glad that he has you too.

I miss my mom and I am 53. She is still alive but has sever dementia. So mentally we have lost her. I am sorry for your mom's death, how confusing that must have been for you.

take care.

May 3, 2007
7:58 pm
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bevdee
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Danielle,

Thank you for sharing this part of yourself here. I don't know how this might help you, but needing a mom is a prevalent theme in many of the threads here. It is for me.

I recently visited with an aunt, and she was giving me all the updates on her boys- my cousins. She was telling me about her grand-daughter and grandson. Their parents, my cousin and his first wife, divorced after 8 years because of his wife's drug abuse. He took both children and raised them. Their mother died of a drug overdose about a year ago, and both of these 2nd cousins of mine started drinking or abusing drugs. My cousin's daughter nearly died from a crack OD- it was touch and go in the ICU for a long time. Both kids (the young man in his teens and the young lady in her 20s) are in 12 step programs now. My aunt looked at me and asked me if I knew if there was any incident that triggered my sister's descent (she is addicted to crack also). My aunt said she saw it coming with these grandkids of hers, even before their mother died and- when the realisation finally came to them that they would never have their mother, they despaired.

I have recently had this realisation myself and it is a difficult one. I had this knowledge all my life that I would never have my mother, but I denied it. This denial has caused me so much pain. Reading about codependency is a good way to start to see your own behaviour and understand your emotions and reactions. I have benefited a lot from reading threads on this site.

"but this is just another thing I have to deal with without running and avoiding thinking about it..." Oh yes, I know this feeling!! One thing that I have learned is that I can't run away- my thoughts always come back- sometimes in another form, but there they are.

I'm still learning how to live without my mother in my life, because although she is still alive, she was emotionally unavailable to me. She was suicidal and she was also addicted to prescription drugs. Now I choose not to be around her. So it is different for you and I in that respect.

May 3, 2007
7:58 pm
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bevdee
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Ah- sorry about the bold!

May 3, 2007
8:05 pm
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feelingfree
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Danielle~

For 26 years YOUNG, you are obviously and incredible young woman.
I am sooo sorry that you lost your mom.. and you were only 20 when you did. I can't imagine how painful that must have been for you and your family. I think it's so admirable the way you have gone thru therapy and worked thru this very hard time with such understanding and compassion for your parents, and what they went thru.. and now you're working on being closer with your dad- thru open communication. So much I want to say, but the words aren't coming out right... here's a hug (((D)))

I can certainly understand getting upset hearing people talking about celebrating this weekend, when it marks the anniversary of your moms passing. Of course.. and I know from our other thread, how difficult this time has been trying to maintain NC with the ex. Have you made any plans for the weekend- maybe to be with family/friends?

I know you were looking for posts from those who have experienced loss as you have.. I'm sorry, I can only say I never met my birth mom.. I was adopted, and she passed before I got the opportunity to meet her. I lost my dad when I was 26.. so I do understand how it feels to lose a parent when you're that young. It hurts a great deal and you miss them terribly.

I just want to tell you that I think you are handling everything so well and you should be so proud of yourself- I'm sure your family is proud of you as well. I'll be thinking of you this weekend.

((Danielle))

May 3, 2007
8:12 pm
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danielle7373
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To me, it's just so amazing how crucial a role the mother plays. When the mother is gone - either physically, mentally, or emotionally - or permanently or short-term - it's devastating.

I know part of why the ex I am no-contacting with treats women badly is because his mom walked out on him when he was 10. He used to say "My mother is dead to me." Then I found out she was really alive, he just had no real respect for her. He sees her every once in awhile, but chooses not to be around her.

And I don't say any of this to undermine a father... but it's just so interesting how one can just want their mom! I am so thankful to have my dad. One night I cried to him and was like, "I just want my mom," and he hugged me, but he just didn't know what to do... I think that kinda hurt him, but he understood.

It sucks to not have a mom who will be there when you're upset. I won't have a mother there if I get married or have children. I am thankful I have everyone else in my life...

And over the past few years I think I've also kinda been in denial about how much my mom's death has actually affected me... so I've gotta keep dealing with it and know the pain will lessen and happen less frequently... but it will never go away...

on my way - i love your line about "life goes on". i feel so guilty when my own life just does go on. but should my mom's death really control the rest of my life?? No. my life will go on. it made me smile because sometimes i do just want the whole world to stop and acknowledge my mom... but that's VERY unrealistic and self-pityin 🙂 I read the book "motherless daughters" and one story mentions a woman just wanting to stand on a street corner and yell about it.

bev - thanks for sharing your story and providing insight. it helps more than you can know 🙂

thank you both for your stories. i can't imagine having a mom who is alive but unable to be there mentally/emotionally. for the longest time i hated my dad for being alive but not there for me. but then he went to therapy with me, and we've built our relationship. and i've accepted him for who he is.

May 3, 2007
8:16 pm
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danielle7373
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ff - i posted as you did!

i've been trying to make plans this weekend. the ironic thing is cinco de mayo has always been my favorite holiday... and then with my No Contact ex JC, we had two very special cinco de mayos... so now the day is just bittersweet 🙂 i'd really like to remove it from the calendar....

i really want to just leave the state for the weekend... but it's not happening 🙂 so i think my sister will stay with me saturday when she comes to town again. and i've invited a few cousins over to hang out. i'm trying really hard to just deal with the day without doing anything DRASTIC like running away or just getting drunk all day to not have to face with how much i'm struggling with it.

thanks for thinking of me 🙂

(((feelingfree)))

i'll give hugs to bev and on my way, too b/c i just learned what that means, and i LOVE it... especially cuz i'm such an affectionate person - i just wish my sister was 🙂

(((bevdee))) (((on my way)))

thank you guys so much! i really enjoy having people who can relate and understand this weird void.

May 3, 2007
8:42 pm
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thewall
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Danielle,

I'm so sorry for your pain. I lost my mom 4 1/2 yrs ago, when I was only 35. I was 12 when my dad died and havent seen or heard from my only sibling since the funeral.

I too am so angry this past week, bc mothers day is coming. On our last mothers day Mom and I had made plans for me to drive the 150 miles to take her out to lunch and give her "the perfect gift" that I thought would finally make her love me.

When I arrived at the house, she was not home. She had stood me up...again.

Every yr she promises that she wont change her mind or promises that she wont bring her lil boy toy along..then she laughed so hard when I would arrive and he would be there. This time I forgot to make her promise me. But I guess it doesnt matter. She wasnt there and all i could do was turn around and drive the 2 hrs back home, sobbing the whole way there. At least this time she left me a note. "Thanks for the gift, leave it on the porch. I'm not home."

Nice mom, gee thanks. But I left the gift and we never ever tried contacting each other again.

A few weeks later she was found dead in her home, of an apparent heart attack. There was no warning and according to others, no illness. More importantly, there was no good bye and no chance to get it right with each other. She left so many unanswered questions and managed to turn the family against me by making up a bunch of lies...lies that I still dont know in detail bc no one will talk to me. They just look at me in disgust and walk away. I'm like wth!!

At the opening of the will, my sister and aunts told me that my mother hated me and they wanted me to sign myself out of the will. Of course I didnt but I swear I dont know why my mother hated me. I was a good kid. Teachers called me "the good girl" even through hs. I was too afraid of my mother not to be the good girl. She beat me, held me down so her bf could try to rape me, sexually abused me herself, etc etc. She was pretty cruel.

I cried myself to sleep again last night, bc of mothers day coming up, with all of the stupid commercials, and everyone talking about plans. And I cried for the little sister that I raised, who my mother managed to lie to turn her against me bc she was jealous of our relationship. My sister would run to me when she was a baby, not my mother and my mother hated that..so she got me back. God did she ever. My heart yearns for the little sister girl that I raised, who refuses to betray our dead mother by believing everything my mother said about me is a lie. For 16 yrs my mother has managed to turn the family against me and I only see them at funerals. Gpa is dying and when he does, that will be my very last funeral or contact with any of them. Breaks my heart bc at least he will tell me that my sister is doing ok. When he goes, I wont have any idea how she is doing or where she is.

I'm sorry, I'm rambling. But its been a long nite. I havent cried that hard in months.

God i frickin hate mothers day. And sometimes I even hate my mother. How bad is that? 🙁

May 3, 2007
8:47 pm
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bevdee
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Thewall-

Not so bad- not too unusual. (((Wall)))

May 3, 2007
8:51 pm
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danielle7373
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(((thewall)))

i am sorry for your pain, as well. i'm glad i posted my thoughts so you could share yours. it sounds like you needed to vent, too, about the holiday...

it sounds like your mother did some awful things and was jealous of you because your sister went to YOU instead of her... but at least she can no longer do anything else to hurt you. it sounds like you are trying to deal with the damage that has been done, and you do have your rough spots, but are moving forward. you found this site, right??

i sound cheesy, but we're all here for each other.

it's not bad to hate your mother sometimes - as long as it doesn't control your only thoughts about her, i think. you just have to accept people for who they are - even though it hurts other people. there are days i hate my mom for dying, and for not reaching out for more help. and for not being here when i need/want her.

May 3, 2007
8:56 pm
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thewall
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ps.

I swore for yrs that I wouldnt shed a tear if or when my mother died. But for 4 1/2 yrs I haven't stopped crying for her, hurting, missing her, and wanting her back.

Yes, you are exactly right...I have spent many many tears sobbing these words out loud "I want my mommy! God I just want my mommy!!" . I too feel like such a little girl.

Its strange though. When I miss her, I am the little girl, able to remember the mother who could be gentle and kind at times. But when I am able to go about my day and not hurt so much, I am the teen age woman, remembering the extreme abuse and not missing her at all. its as if there are 2 of me grieving for her...age 3 and age 17.

And every single time I get into a tiff with my husband, I dont cry about the argument, Im crying for my mother. Every Single Time!

I think that deep down, I felt that if a man would leave me, at least my mother would let me back in her life if I desperately needed her..if i begged hard enough, paid her enough. When she was alive though I always said hell would freeze over before i ever went back there. But now that shes dead, if he leaves me, i have no one. NO ONE. And thats scarey.

I also think that the one person who is supposed to love us is our mother. When the man we thought loved us, doesnt love us, we need our mothers unconditional love even more. And that makes loosing a mother all the more painful.

No, there is NOTHING like loosing a mother. Even the most abusive ones. And that amazes me.

May 3, 2007
9:00 pm
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danielle7373
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every time i argue with my sister or my dad, i cry, too. and i'm crying because i want my mom, too.

why is that always there???

i think you're right - if you don't have your mother, who do you have? i know i still have my dad, but it's not the same... and the mother's love is the unconditional love.

i feel like such a baby sometimes screaming "i want my mom!" when i get mad at people about whatever or fight... i just want to end it by saying "i just want my mom! i don't care about anything else right now!!"

why do i make everything fall back to that??? i kinda feel like it's immature to attribute everything to just wanting my mommy??

May 3, 2007
9:02 pm
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thewall
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((((bevdee, danielle, thewall )))))
Group hug 🙂

yes thanks for giving me the chance to vent. didnt take much tonite. sorry.

danielle, cherish your sister. she could be a great resourse for putting the pieces back together for you.

May 3, 2007
9:07 pm
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danielle7373
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thanks for the group hug.

vent here anytime...

May 4, 2007
9:43 am
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smarterone
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DANIELE
My mom is 80 and lives in another state. The issue i have is that she is alive and I hurt for her. My father died at 43, bad times with him. He physically abused her and i, he was very jealous of her and i was supposed to be the one to keep her home. My past andhers has had a deep affect on our personality. I rarely visit, i want to but when i finally can and im there, she torments me and i always end up calling the airlines for a sooner flight back. My life home is bad too. It just follows me cuz i allow the abuse. I am an enabler for a 31 yr old son, he is really useless. I even sound like my mom. When i call her. Its always, im her favorite out of two daughters, but "what do you want, you cant have my money, my daughters are embarrassing, etc." I always hang on and end up crying. She is cruel, understanabley, and i still say i wwish i could run away to my mom. Why i dont know. But it is ironic.

May 4, 2007
10:39 am
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nappy
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Danielle,
I truly understand what you are going through. You do remember some of my post to you about this situation. I have been going through this for 32 years now. And to tell you the truth, the feeling does not get easy.
It is really going to be hard because mother day is coming and although I am a mother, and I am bless to be a mother, I still miss my mother.
I miss my mother so much that it hurt so bad. And it really get's bad when her birthdays come around, when her anniversary of her death comes around, because they are both in the same month. I missed my mother as soon as they laid her down for her final rest. I knew at that moment that she was not coming back. I knew at that moment that all of my problems that I was going to have in life, whether they were good or bad she wasn't going to be there to help guide me.
My mother died at a very young age, she left behind five childrens. When the doctors told her that there wasn't anything else that they could do and for her to go home and get her affairs in order, I understood at that very moment that all of her thoughts was about her childrens that she was going to leave behind in this world. And at that moment is when I realize as a kid that I was going to live my life and that I was going to enjoy my blessing in this lifetime. I went through my trials and tribulation in this world, we all do, some good and some bad but they were a lesson learn. That is why I don't stay stuck in sorrow, we only have one life to live and I am going to live it. I have my bad days and bad moments but I also have my joy in giving thanks to a mother that gave me life. And I am truly proud to say that my mother would of been proud of me and all of the things that I have and will achieve in life. That she had a hand in. She just didn't live to see how it turn out.

And another twist to this story is that my mother and father died on the same day but difference years. Brief story. My mother died first, I did get a chance to see my father when I was grown. When my father became ill and was in the hospital, I told him to let go of life because mama was coming to get him and you know what?
She did.
Nappy!

May 4, 2007
3:28 pm
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bevdee
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Hey Danielle,

I wanted to thank you for starting this thread. It helps me to think about things in new ways. Thewall has been great to bounce ideas off- she has helped me to bring up some old memories.

(((Thewall)))

Danielle, you say - "i kinda feel like it's immature to attribute everything to just wanting my mommy?? " Nah- especially if you weren't nurtured as a child. Kind of stunted growth.

Danielle, if your mother was addicted to drugs- pain meds, scrip drugs, whatever, that made her emotionally unavailable to you. The addiction renders them unavailable.

Talk to you later.

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