Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
Having a guilt trip!!
January 26, 2007
5:21 pm
Avatar
behappy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi there,

This is my 1st posting and first of all I would like to say a big hello to everyone!! I am at the moment going through a really guilty time because of something I did a while ago. So I better get on with it and explain what it is that I did.

Myself and my wife were out with a group of friends who are all married and our children all go to the same school etc etc. Now I am really good friends with one of mums, we have been friends for about the past 6 years or so and was there for her when her 1st marriage broke up and also when she was going through a shaky patch in her 2nd. She would divulge a lot of personal feelings to me about her husband who I am also very good friends with and I never felt this was an issue to me and I was always happy to listen, We would also talk about sex a lot and sometimes it would be a bit of an eye opener to me but never the less I use to find it really amusing and always carry on and have a laugh.

Anyway back to the evening out! When we were all done and dusted and many cocktails and beers had been drank I gave her a piggy back as she was tired and rather wobbly. So as we were wondering up the road with the rest of the guys up front, we were having a laugh and I think I made a comment about her bum feeling good or something and I was messing around and stroking it in a way that was a bit sexual but at the same time funny but she said that it was turning her on and instantly I thought oh right and she asked if it was doing the same to me, I jokingly said of course it is darling and asked if I should stop, laughed, put her done and carried on walking back up to our friends.

I want to reiterate that it was all done messing about as really good friends having a laugh and nothing was meant of it. For while after I felt guilty because it is not the sort of thing I would normally ever do and thought it was a bit close to the mark, however I just saw it as it was which was having a laugh and a joke and forgot about it.

At the moment I am going through a really bad family crisis, (something to do with my mum) and I am going through a whole cycle of emotions, sadness, guilt, pain, anger, hurt………mainly for my mum!! Now after about maybe 12 months or so down the line after I had forgotten about it I am having really bad guilt trips about that evening. I feel as though I have cheated on my wife and that I am the worst person on the earth, that nobody that I know would have done such a thing and that potentially my friends husband could take it all the wrong way. I know sometimes I look into things far too deeply and get myself worked up over nothing, however this I cannot seem to let go off.

I am at the point where I want to tell my wife about it and I am sure she will see it for what it was, me just messing about with a good friend having a laugh. However at the same time I am worried she will go mad and it could potentially cause our relationship some harm!!

So what do you guys think, do you think I am being over worried/sensitive and I should just let it go and see it for what it was which was having a laugh and joke with a good friend and forget about, or do I did speak to my wife about it? I know it is not the worst thing in the world, however I am the sort of person that cannot lie without worrying and do not like to hurt people in anyway!

Any advice would be much appreciated!!

January 26, 2007
5:40 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Dont tell your wife. Itll hurt her.

Leave things at that, meaning, behave better from now on. Let your friend talk to a therapist.

Your friend has an experience with marriages that makes her loose about relationships but you dont need to be like that.

January 27, 2007
9:47 am
Avatar
truthBtold
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

behappy,

I had to sleep on this one.

I agree with sininho in that it is probably best not to tell your wife.

The actions were a bit close to the mark, as you put it - but you obviously have learned the errors of your ways.

Drinking can make you do some pretty STUPID stuff - can't it? (I know - done some pretty stupid stuff myself.)

I would suggest you not putting yourself in that kind of position again - but something tells me that you already know that.

I'd just chalk this one up to experience and go out of your way NOT to allow anything more to develop from it in the future!

January 27, 2007
1:14 pm
Avatar
behappy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi guys thanks for the responses, it has made me feel slightly more at ease!!! Somehow I just need to stop thinking about it, it is all I ever do at the moment, (thinking about it in respects that it makes me feel really guilty.)

I think because of the issues I am going through with my mum it is making me constantly think about it!!

January 27, 2007
1:21 pm
Avatar
atalose
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 18
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I don't see any point in telling your wife, it will only hurt her and cause her to have mistrust with you in the future.

How has your relationship been these past 12 months with your female friend?

Often when alcohol is invovled with fun and games things tend to get a little out of hand. I'd write it off as a good learning experience and one you won't repeat in the future.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

January 27, 2007
1:36 pm
Avatar
behappy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi atalose,

My wife and I are soul mates and I guess this is why it is making me feel so bad! Part of me says tell her as you we have no secrets from each other and then the other part tells me not to bother because as all you guys have said I could end up hurting her.

Everything was well afterwards until a few months ago when her daughter started to bully mine and I did not take any prisoners about the situation and told her straight that she needed to sort her daughter out! She is quite a drama queen about everything and blamed it all on the divorce and plus at the time she was going through a real bad time as her mum had passed away a short while before. 🙁 My wife has fallen out with her over it and things were quite shaky between us for a while however we have made up and are friends again, however not a close as we were!

January 27, 2007
4:33 pm
Avatar
Loralei
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

There are times when wives really would prefer not to know everything. Long ago my husband had an affair. I knew in my heart what was going on, I just didn't have concrete proof of it. But I didn't want to know. I wanted it to just blow over and for things to be back to normal. Unfortunately, he did confess it to me, said he wanted a divorce, etc. We did stay together afterall, but he put me through hell. I would have much rather he just gone through the hell by himself and not involved me in it. "Knowing" that it was true was much worse than just believing it to be true. There are just some things better left unsaid. You are selfishly wanting to tell your wife to get it off your chest. But in doing so, you'd be burdening her with it. What you actually did was so minor and unintentional. Chalk it up to drinking and a weak moment. Remember, you are only human.

January 27, 2007
4:58 pm
Avatar
atalose
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 18
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

behappy,

I understand how you feel about being soul mates and not having any secrets. Sometimes it's best to keep some things to our selves then to hurt someone else. I often ask myself what my real motives are when I have a strong feeling towards doing something, if it's to releive my own quilt, then I need to ask myself how is it going to effect my loved ones by making myself feel better.

It was something that got out of hand and lead no where, I would let it rest and make peace with yourself that it was a mistake, period, end of story.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

January 27, 2007
4:59 pm
Avatar
TryingToLetGoAndMoveOn
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Well...tobehappy...

I have two opinions regarding this dilemma of yours.

You could either, keep this to yourself, and spare your wife's feelings, from being hurt. So that, things remain smoothly, between the two of you. Or:

You could be honest with her about it. As, even if it would likely hurt her feelings...keeping secrets from her could also prove to hurt her as well.

It's best to have things out in the open, so neither of you, happens to run the risk of discovering a secret that had been kept. Because...to her...it may seem as if, by you keeping it as a secret, and therefore not telling her about it...then she might likely think that, you have something to hide from her.

And therefore, if she WERE to ever find out about this, then...she could feel betrayed nonetheless, because, if you had hidden that from her, then...what else would you be willing to hide from her? So, that could also cause mistrust on her part, as well.

Good luck to you both.

Take care.

Trying.

January 27, 2007
5:04 pm
Avatar
truthBtold
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

behappy,

Lots of responses here to ponder...to which I would only add is to be true to your gut.

If you and your wife are as close as you say you are.....then she is probably sensing SOMETHING is going on....or maybe not - I dunno.

If the tables were turned and she was the one acting drunk and momentarily stupid....what would you rather her do?

January 28, 2007
4:12 pm
Avatar
behappy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I think I need to go away and think long and hard about his one!! I was reading a post about attention seekers and do you know I could tick nearly every one of the comments off against my friend.

I think deep down I am really worried that she might one day announce that I tried to make a pass at her and try and cause a hugh issue about it, (I am not sure she will, however sometimes the state of mind she is in it is hard to tell!) I guess this is why I keep thinking that I need to tell my wife exactly what happened as I do not want the untruth being told!

This is such a trivial matter in comparisons to a lot of things that are going on in the world today, however it is really eating away at me!! I just cannot stand and say right I have no more reason to think about this that is it finished.

January 28, 2007
5:19 pm
Avatar
Loralei
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

behappy,

Why do you continue to have this woman friend in your life at all? Why not gradually distance yourself from her because she sounds unstable. It doesn't sound like your wife is very fond of her either so why do you bother with that friendship? Just be 'too busy' to see her or talk to her. Any closeness you have with her is fuel for the fire.

I do understand your concern now if you think your 'friend' would use that incident against you. If you think there is any chance of that then perhaps you do need to take some preventative measures. If you do decide to tell your wife, you need to play it down. Quit acting so guilty! Nothing happened! Since your wife was with you when this happened (right?) it might make it easier to explain. (although it would have bothered me to see my husband give another woman a piggyback ride for any reason, short of her having a broken leg) It is possible that it bothered your wife at the time but she never mentioned it to you. That's why bringing it up now might exacerbate the problem.

Ok, if your wife was there during this piggyback ride, then if your friend ever brings it up, don't admit to doing anything!! You hear me. Deny, deny, deny. Just say you don't know what she's talking about and then try to drop the subject. You can accuse the 'friend' of trying to cause trouble in your marriage, because that's exactly what she's doing if she tells this tale. You wouldn't be lying. You'd be telling the real truth which is that nothing happened and you certainly didn't make a pass at her.

I'm beginning to think the real issue is your continued friendship with this unstable woman. Do you and your wife a favor and keep her out of your life. She sounds like a ticking time bomb.

January 29, 2007
3:03 am
Avatar
behappy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

You are totally right, she is a time bomb waiting to go and I would not want to be near her when she really does blow!!! I do not like upsetting people hence why I am still friends with her, but yes you are right I will be keeping my distance a bit more now!

I have worked it out in my head and the guilt has now stopped, I guess I was feeling really guilty as I kept looking to deeply into something that I didn't need too!! All along I think I was worried that she would try to upset my wife and her husband who is also my friend.

I am going to tell my wife and as you say tell it as it was, no need to lie about it as nothing happened. I got it into my head that she (my friend) probably thought I was making an advance on her, trying it on which is not me!! I like to have a laugh and muck with my friends, however I know where to draw the line!

Many thanks for all the help from you guys, it is fantastic how just sharing your thoughts with some really kind and thoughtful people can do!

Thank you all!!!!

P.S Please feel free if you want to carry on posting to this thread!! 🙂

February 6, 2007
3:01 pm
Avatar
behappy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Well guys just a quick update. I did what my gut was telling me all along and that was toi tell my wife! We were talking in bed about our frienships and our relationship and it was the perfect moment to tell her!!! She reacted as I excepted and I am now very happy and content that it is out in the open and I am not hiding a secret from her!

Once again many thanks for the words of advice and giving me the ability to go away and what I had to do!

Take care and all the best!!! 🙂

February 6, 2007
7:51 pm
Avatar
truthBtold
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

behappy,

So glad to hear your news!

You never go wrong when you trust you gut!

Am glad everything worked out well and you came clean.

Sounds like a real special relationship you have with your wife.

Kudos to you!!!!!

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
30
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110976
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38561
Posts: 714257
Newest Members:
nina1985, February, lisabaker, robertwalker, Why.., Why.
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information