Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
Have you fallen in love? I thought I did all the time, but haven't in 37yrs
January 1, 2006
11:00 pm
Avatar
hbdude2k
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Love, the Unconditional Intimacy...

Love is one of the most powerful words out there. Many treat this as a very strict 4 letter word. They say it, they don't mean it, they never have felt it, they never see it, they use it, they abuse it, they pretend it, they excuse it. Love leads our lives. We control it, it controls us. We demand it, we tarnish it. We never look at this word for a true meaning other than seeing it as a regular 4 letter word with multiple uses. Well, most of us out there don't even know what the hell this 4 letter word means. To some, it means smile when you smile, get mad when your mad, cry when you cry. First of all, you have to set a base to the word love into your system in order to become in love with your partner. Yes, your mind, body, and soul system. If you can't be you or if you try to become me and the two of us become me or you, then your not ready to use the word love in the correct meaningful way. Your using and abusing this 4 letter word.
What does a healthy relationship look like? What does it feel like? How will I know if I have one? Well, I have some good thoughts to lead me in the right direction. Some base facts that you will need to lay out for the true meaning of being in love.
1. I can be me
2. You can be you
3. We can be us
4. I can grow
5. You can grow
6. We can grow together
To me, I can have my love as an unconditional intimacy. I will accept you unconditionally and you accept me unconditionally. We are free to be us. I want a relationship built on shared values and interests. We must decide what we each value as individuals and we can build one value out of our separateness. The enjoyment together, a walk on the beach, a well prepared meal, a sunset etc...are what great things that will make a partnership desirable. The magical feeling of when I have me, you have you and we have us, is something that I can't wait to feel. Through the directions of our individual growth, we can slowly develop together as a couple. We can grow together by developing mutual goals and working together on ways to achieve them. I want to feel the intimacy of a loving relationship. I want to offer and are offerd validation, understand and a sense of being value intellectually, emotionally, and physically. I never knew what love really is. After 37 years, I know now what I want in my partner and partnership....
I want LOVE, THE UNCONDITIONAL INTIMACY.....

January 2, 2006
1:00 am
Avatar
Matteo
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 2
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I think it is important to add that in this loving relationship we will bring the best in each other, so we will not grow crooked and twisted and that outr growth will go in the same direction, so we will not grow apart.

January 2, 2006
1:52 am
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hbduke,

Your post about what unconditional intimacy through love looks like to you is absolutely beautiful.

Here's the part that spoke to me and educated me:

"1. I can be me

2. You can be you

3. We can be us

4. I can grow

5. You can grow

6. We can grow together

I want LOVE, THE UNCONDITIONAL INTIMACY....."

My answer is no. I have never been in love like this. But, I believe that to see it is the first step towards owning it...I can see it clearly!

Clearly you can see it as well.

I know it will happen for you friend.

January 2, 2006
6:42 am
Avatar
lewis
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 3
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

no I've never been in that type of love, most of the love I've known is I am sad to say 'lust'. I wonder if it exists? surely if it did we would all have it!

January 2, 2006
7:42 am
Avatar
kasie919
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

HB:

Wow!!
how powerful!
makes me think, ive never been in a love like this, nore do i ever think ive had a true love.
And now at my time, i do also want to find that one true everlasting love..

but i know ive got to learn how to love me first, then worry about the other, and until i can do this i cant ever possibly know what true love is..

although, ive met a person who probably could give me that love, im not ready, not even up to it.

But what you write right now, you will find that such love and you will fell the most ultimate feeling in the world..

To me, it is,unconditional all the time, no matter what the looks are, no matter what the differences are, love looks beyond those and shows you how to be abovev all the other paiins from the past.

I hope that i too find this, as it is the ultimate dream of my life..

all my luck to you HB: you so deserve only the best..

Love Kasie

January 2, 2006
8:54 am
Avatar
Rasputin
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hbdude,

Falling in love is the most wonderful experience that can ever happen in our life.

I think when that moment comes; I will be the happiest woman in the world.

I do not think it has to be a very passionate one or Romeo and Juliette's type of thing. I thing it's when 2 souls resonate together, feel in harmony and have mutual love and respect between them even if they are a little different in certain things.

Right now I have romantic feelings to a male friend of mine. I am giving him the opportunity to work on himself by giving him all the space and time he needs. However, I am not sure if he will really do his homework as his is supposed to be.

So I am releasing the whole situation to my HP asking Him for wisdom, and I am releasing it to Him asking Him for His will in this frienship so that I don't get disappointed, for I know He knows best!

Yes, I believe in love, and I believe there is someone out there for every one who is praying, hoping and waiting, and each one of us should wait and strive for the right mate and should not settle for less than that.

~Ras~

January 2, 2006
10:15 am
Avatar
bonni
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

HBdude,
I find all six elements in my marriage. it feels nothing like i would have thought being "in love" would be. usually like something is missing. the lust level is low for me; i traded that for those six elements that i knew i had, because i knew we could make a life together. a lovely life with two wonderful children that allows us both to follow our dreams. well it did until the military took over and crushed my hopes and dreams, but that's another thread.

sometimes i think of divorce and wonder if there's more out there, a relationship that will curl my toes or increase my heartrate. and i go this thought process where it just doesn't make sense to leave. i love my dh without passion, but with something else i can't define. he doesn't consume me; he complements me.

January 2, 2006
11:02 am
Avatar
hbdude2k
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanks for all your responses! Yes, for me it was falling in LUST...They were attractive from the outside and I fell in love (lust)right away and made everything work from there. It was crazy the way my mind worked. Now I am glad my codependency was pointed out to me and now I can truly fall in love with someone. Remember I am on a 90 no contact with my girl, and I truly believe she will be the one that I will fall in love with. We are 2 smart people and we are doing this to save our relationship so I can get a big jump start on my recovery. But, I take my life one day at a time now...And its working very well. Good luck to all of you....

January 2, 2006
3:26 pm
Avatar
kasie919
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

hb:

I just re-read this thread, and i thought more about what you have written,

What is true love? i almost dont believe, "ALMOST" that it can happen..

To me and in MY opinion, for true Love, it just doesnt happen, it takes time, to get to know the person, not smother them but learn about them, to know small things, like favorite foods, colors, games,
to know there pet peeves,
but not knowing them by asking, knowing them by being there and picking up on them, thats true attetnion to the person your with..

I agree that we drop the word "love" easy, way to easy,

and i can admit i have never felt the ultimate feeling of love..
although i have felt heartbreak, if thats posiible..

But i have never had the feeling of wanting someone so bad i coouldnt go a day with out hearing from them, or including them in every sentence..

Suddenly now in my life i desire that, I want that love..
Explain to me why??

Not with my stbx, i never loved him, he was a fix for a rebound, teriible thing to do, i thought i could grow and learn to love him, all along i nver really knew what true love is..

But now I think im begginning to know..

My desrires, my dreams my world have all been so empty, so unfullfilled,

Im a very compassionate person, can u explain it?

hugs, Kasie

January 2, 2006
4:19 pm
Avatar
kasie919
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

after reading your other thread, i guess you do know what the true meaning of love is and can be..

Im am so in awe of you..

impressive!!

Kasie

January 3, 2006
12:47 am
Avatar
hbdude2k
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hey Kasie...I just realized last week that I have never been in love, meaning that I take those 6 steps. It was bugging me all week on what love really is. Then I just had to finally write it down. Lots of reading, brain storming and going to a CODA meeting really helped me with what the hell love is. Now, I can't wait to put it to use some day. Yes, there is no way that you can fall in love within a few weeks. I truly think you will have to get to know that person very well and to practice the 6 steps to whomever you are with. I want to do that...I am a very compassionate person because it is the way I was raised. However, I am not going to let my codependency take over and try to be my partner. There is no way I can let my guard down anymore. I have to remain me, let her be her, and come together to be us...I really think its deep down on why love really has not been there. You or whoever is putting lust in front of love because you want it so bad. That is what I did. I never found love because it was the way I was raised and how I raised myself...This is a deep issue and keep poking at it. You will find your answer someday...

January 3, 2006
7:45 am
Avatar
kasie919
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

HB:

I look back and see from even my childhood, my parents never showed love..
Well, my mom did, she loved me, but she had to limit her love becausemy dad hated me so..
I learned from that..
I grew up having a deep desire for a man to want me and love me..
I never really took into consideration how messed up Iwas until I started being abused.then it became a pattern..
I always thought if he at least beat me i was loved..
God how wrong was that???

Now I have found that empty hole in my heart pleading for a a real love..
and I will use this thread to read over and over to find what it is i am lookin for..

You have truly helped me in ways you dont even know.
I have and always be very compassionate,loveing and caring..
I just have to learn to seek the same from another..

Thank you..

Love Kasie

January 3, 2006
10:20 am
Avatar
down2earth
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi I was just reading this post. I can't keep my eyes off the woman I love. I love everything about her. Is this lust? I don't know.. I feel in my heart such warmth when she calls my name or smiles.. or shows me her soft side. I admire her work and respect her body. But on the flip side I get scared that I love her so much.. and want to run.. I am learning to walk through the fear. Tell her how I feel and I sooo trying to become an individual in the relationship. It's hard when my co-denpendcy kicks in.. We see eachother on the weekends and so it makes the week hard for me.. That is when the fear kicks in and the co-dependency is overwhelming at times. Maybe if I can get through this part and learn how to truly love someone..... Thanks you for your post..it kinda scared me since I have already said I love you! and now fear if its lust.. hmmmmmm good food for thought...

January 4, 2006
12:03 am
Avatar
hbdude2k
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

down2earth, I was in your shoes, but, we broke it off before it got worse for me. She didn't like how I was pushing when I thought it was love that I was giving. So confusing when the codependency kicks in. So our therapist put us on a 90 no contact and that is the only way I am growing right now for me. Its hard at times, but I am doing it. And when I talk to her the next time, she will realize how I have changed and do understand what it takes to make a relationship happen. Its a great feeling once you got it.

January 4, 2006
12:10 am
Avatar
hbdude2k
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Kasie, thank you very much. If I can help with my words, it makes me feel really good. It will come to you. Be patient. I went to a 2hr therapy session today, and just discovered and pinpointed why there was no love in my last relationship. It was pretty amazing and now I look back and see all the signs. I have grown so much the past 3 weeks, I just can't believe I am changing my life that drastically. I have never been so happy in my life right now. Another thing that I have done that has helped me along, is to eat healthy and exercise. I have studied this for 2+ yrs now and know what it takes to stay healthy. This is just one of my things I let go when I was with my girl. I let down my guard and wanted to so call "show her my love"...I thought I was doing it, but pushed her away and now I understand why. I wouldn't want the same thing done to me. Anyway, good luck Kasie....

January 4, 2006
3:16 pm
Avatar
kasie919
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

HB:
I am impressed with your change,you are doing awesome!!

Well i know i have got to change my diet, i know eating better is a way to feel good inside..
I have started to change what i eat and learnig to be way more healthy, imdiabetic and dont want any more complications..

I go back to theraopy friday, we are going to talk about no contact, but that will definatly mean i will have to move out or he should..

Im not wanting to repair my marriage, i just want out at this point, but i want to be free of the ways of attaching to men like him..

I wish you the best hb, your a wonderful person, and i commend you on trying to fix you!! i am so proud of you..

Love Kasie

January 4, 2006
11:02 pm
Avatar
hbdude2k
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanks Kasie, Just get out of your marriage since it is too far gone and please don't go after any man right away. I almost beg you not to get involved with another man right away because you will just chose the same sh*t again. Take your time and find yourself for real this time. Its very hard at first, but just do it and get through it and on the other side weeks, months, years down the road you will look back and laugh at the men that you have chose. I am doing that right now with certain relationships that I had in the past. I think its all crazy now....My therapist says that I am stopping a chain in my family past that went back 3 generations. That is a good feeling. You can do the same thing because your a great person too.

January 5, 2006
8:16 am
Avatar
kasie919
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Wow!

that far back?

I can see mine going that far..
and no i dont want another relationship right now, although i have desrires, i plan on finding me..

Ive never been alone, so now is the time, its desperation for me right now, to prove to myself i can be alone and want no man in my life..

Im trying as hard as i can

i was so independent years ago, i need to feel that again..

i cant live with this pain anymore..

Thanks HB and I look forward to sharing my progress with you, as i would love to hear about yours. cant wait until your 90 days are up and hear how that was!!!!:)

Love Kasie

January 5, 2006
8:41 pm
Avatar
hbdude2k
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Well, there might be a break through soon. I am supposed to get a call tonight from my therapist because she is seeing my girl tonight for a session. My therapist thinks that the 90 days is no good for us now. She is amazed at how much i have progressed in the last month, so therefore she thinks we need to cancel the 90 days and let it be when we are ready. I told her I am all for it. So, she is talking to my girl tonight to see if she agrees also. I don't know how far along she got with her time to herself. She might need more time. I will find out soon. I need at least 2 more weeks before I talk to her. I will keep you updated.

January 5, 2006
10:14 pm
Avatar
hbdude2k
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Its a done deal...no more 90 days for us..I can't wait to talk to her. But I am not ready as of yet. It might be days or weeks. I am just going by what my gut says. I will feel it when I am ready.

January 6, 2006
1:11 am
Avatar
kasie919
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hb:

Im so happy for you!!!

I cannot wait until you post about your first meetings..

You are a very strong man now, and can handle the most difficult situations..

I m impressed by you doing it when your ready..

Best of luck..

Love Kasie

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
39
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110958
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38560
Posts: 714251
Newest Members:
SeaG1ant, shawncanwe, lianot, dagaf, duminy, emmanathan
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information