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Have you ever felt so alone ....
January 13, 2006
12:25 am
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kabooom
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... that you sit in your room, wondering what tomorow will bring. Who youll meet, what you'll do or NOT do ...

A couple of years ago I never regretted anything in my life .. and just a few days ago, everything seems to just pile up all at once for me to handle. Were my choices the correct ones ? is this Gods way of punishing me ? or is he teaching me something ...

I feel so lost ... everyones getting married, having babies ... and here i am , still struggling with my career job i should be doing, yet somehow i feel like im way behind the game. I got out of a relationship from a girl who had put me thru some abuse, both physical and mental, who is using the abortion we had to make me feel guilty.

Were those the right choices ... What if i kept the child, If I had dropped all my goals and stayed with her, will we have kept our house. My dad suffered from a mild stroke a year ago and now he's set for an early retirement, and he would like to return to my country to take care of my grandma.

What about me and my sister? My mom left us over 4 years ago ... and now my dad ...

All my friends seem to be preoccupied, too busy to even give me a call or hang out. Even my closest friends dont invite me to go play video games or shop at the mall or party...

Why is this happening to me? Am i that bad ?
I think this is karma biting me ass isnt it ...
I wish god can hear me right now. I wish he stop the pain ...

January 13, 2006
12:33 am
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strugglinmama
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Everything in life is a lesson. All the symptoms of issues that need to be resolved. When you work hard on yourself to resolve things, stuff starts to fall in to place. look inside and find what you need and follow that. Try to be positive with people and save the drama for therapy and this board. Good luck. We are all in the same boat. Keep rowing..

January 13, 2006
12:40 am
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kabooom
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... y'know,

all my life i wanted to keep going. But at this time in my life, its like i hit a wall. For the longest time allthroughout my life, I thought my family was unique. My mom and dad got along, we have a nice cozy house.

And in a few months , our home will be gone ... and me and my sister will be in some tower.

I will miss this house. Lotsa fond memories when our family was together. Now it feels like my dad doesnt care anymore ...

Its so hard when you were raised so good by two loving parents only to have them pull away and destroy what they both had ...

sorry if i sound like im being dramatic but its just what my feelings are going through right now.

... honestly though, i worked so hard, invested in so many things for my future and my future family, but no matter what i do, i just cant seem to push myself out of this slump. I know it sounds selfish of me to even complain, theres so many other folks out there in more serious issues, but a part of me strongly feels that im hitting a brick wall at 100mph ...

... does life get any worst .. or is it always been like this ...? * sigH *

January 13, 2006
12:46 am
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Rasputin
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Kabbooom - Everything happens for a purpose. Life is a mixture of joy, pain sorrow.... All designed to help us to grow in character and become better human being.

I recommend you to develop your spirituality and to learn to see that all things, EVEN PAIN and failures, including failed relationships are working for the better, even if we cannot undertand it or see it.

Smile!~Ras~

January 13, 2006
1:00 am
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shelbeegirl
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Kaboom

I really felt your heart in that thread. You are not alone, we are all here for you. We are here for each other. I think that you might be experiencing a change that is yet to be very positive. You are more aware of what is going on around you. You are talking on this thread. You are having emotion and feeling. That already makes you ahead of the game in my book. Like Rasputin said "Life is a lesson. " She has good advice. She helped me. Shelbeegirl

January 13, 2006
1:23 am
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kabooom
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Rasputin.. shelbeegirl ...

thank you, Im sure what ever issues you both may face, that too is a lesson in life... and serves a purpose.

But what exactly is a better human being ? to what point does one know they reached that stage ... I thought i did. I went through 6 years in design-multimedia college and somehow, im working at a dating company doing customer service BS ... Im roman catholic with strong family values, yet i dated and got a girl who wasnt even baptised, punched, kicked, spat on me for her issues with going the abortion with me ...

Right now Im watching that movie Phone Booth, and im at the scene where Colin Ferrel spils his beans to the NYC street on how much of a failure he is . I feel EXACTLY how he is feeling , minus the sniper pointing at me of course ...

The embarassment, the humility ...

shelbeegirl --------

Im glad you felt it because it did come straight from the heart. I wish somoene would feel it, as you did.

Change was something I get very uncomfortable with, however this may spring some new opportunities and new beginnings ...

I like our house alot and wish I could have continued my fathers legacy here with my own family , but i guess thats not gonna happen anymore.

earlier today i sat in our yard contemplating on how i would never put my children in a situation like this one - where they would feel lost and had their home taken away from them . If it were up to me, I would let my children choose to stay and live at home, their home . But will they ever go thru the same thing im going through ...

NEVER.

January 13, 2006
2:13 am
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shelbeegirl
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Kaboom,

I think I
know how you are feeling about the house. Some houses are houses, while others are home or maybe your "peaceful place." I just lost my peaceful place about 8 weeks ago when my Grandmother died. I
cant belive it has been eight weeks. So many memories and experineces in
one place. I am learning a big lesson that the house was a house. The memories and the shared experiences made me as strong as I AM TODAY. YOUR
HEART WILL FEEL BETTER AND MORE STABLE IF YOU CAN RELAX AND THINK IT THROUGH. Shelbeegirl

January 13, 2006
2:53 am
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kabooom
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Thanks Shelbeegirl,

Sometimes change IS good. Im still trying to outweigh the bad with all the positive things out of this ...

... and youre right, a house is a house. and there are plenty of houses out there. Its just that i've been comfortable, cozy and peaceful at this place...

Sorry to hear you lost your peaceful place. Did you recover from it fully ? How did this experience make you strong ? dont you miss it ??

there sure aint no place like home ...
With all the commotion going on with my life, starting with a relationship gone to hiatus last weekend, and now this ... I guess well see how it goes , its 2:55am and i should hit the sack ...>_< !

January 13, 2006
7:51 am
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kasie919
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Kaboom:

Im sorry I had to go last night,Ive been in such a place any more, and all he did was bitch because I was on His computer.. Taking up his time..

Im sorry your feeling like this, but im glad your writing it all down, getting it out, expressesing your feelings, this is good, and Im glad your doing it..

PLease dont regret your choices in life, your still young, and able to find a true and meaningfull relationship,

Kaboom, you said you wanted a better job in the states, can you come here now? would it be feasable?
Think about everything you just wrote on this thread, you need a change as well, a big one, break free, start fresh, with a clean head..

Take one day at a time my friend, it will come, its not going to be easy, nothing ever is..
This isnt a brick wall , its just a minor road block..
You will be ok, your a survivor.

I beleive in you..

{{{{KABOOM}}}}

I know you can make it,

All my love and prayers.

Kasie

think about it..
Had you decided to have this baby, what would she be like?worse? hamones go all kinds of haywire when we are pregnant..She has a chemical inbalance already, could it have been worse? yes, she could kill you..

I know your rationalizeing what you have done, but really you have done the best and everything you could.
YOur doing well in life, your successfull,you have a collage degree, you have purpose, this will change,
You know, I would give anything, to be free right now, free of this mess Im in.I wouldnt care if I had to live in a tower, Id be glad me and the little man were out..

It will be hard starting over without your dad, I know, your sister is still here..
And What about your mom? yes your not that close but how about builing a better relationship with her?
Divorce is always hard no matter what age the kids are..
Maybe he feels hurt as well.

Your a good man, with good values, a good head on those shoulders, you will make it thru..

As for your friends, could it be the effects of the ex? Maybe you should give a few a call, see whats up, talk to them, maybe they need to know you need them , and im sure they will be right there..

You really havent been around much being trapped at the exs, right??Maybe they feel pushed away as well..

God isnt hurting you, and God has helped you, he gave you the strength to get out didnt he? He watched you ,he is over you, please know this,
Kinda funny you feel like this, I was talking to seeker about it last night, he gave me some good sound advice,
Do you have a church you can go to and talk to someone there? maybe just to unload..

January 13, 2006
11:15 am
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nc_mom_of_2
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Kaboom,

I realize you and I don't know one another, but I read your posts several time and each time I did, I kept thinking the same thing.....

Depression!!!

I believe that could be why you feel hopeless and at a "brick wall".

Have you thought of seeing someone and asking about help with those feelings?

I am so sorry that you hurt so badly. In reading your words, I felt a deep sense of pain. I hope you're not blaming yourself for HER actions. You can only be responsible for you. You made the choices that were best for your life. Don't regret that! That's a step in the right direction! Be proud of yourself for realizing and looking for a solution to an ever-compounding problem.
I will be thinking of you and wishing you well. I see in your posts a strength of character. Utilize that strength and make choices that will make you happy and NEVER apologize for seeing to your own well-being!

(((Kaboom)))
My heart goes out to you! Please stay in touch!

January 13, 2006
12:05 pm
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kabooom
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update on my situation ..

I had gotten a hold of a different psychotherapist and have an appointment with him on monday. I wonder if meeting with a male dr is different from meeting a woman dr in regards to my situation. ah well, its better than nothing i guess...

Kasie, sorry i took a while to get back on here ... i had to go for a smoke break ..

but imma go and grab something to eat now , just msg me again if you do get this ..

January 14, 2006
12:11 am
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kabooom
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nc_mom_of_2

... i think i am depressed.

I went to make an appointment with a psycho therapist on monday about this problem and perhaps i can get a better understanding on how to cope with this ...

Right now my problems just doubled with my now new problem with losing our home ...

I wish i can say i have the strength you say i do and i really hope god will help me out at this desperate tiem of need. I never felt so alone in my life right now, but it just feels that all my friends, and now my own family has shut things down for me ...

You see, i would work full time at the place i work right now but its tough with that girl around. Im even faced with quitting and moving on to a more stable and better job but that means we will end up selling the place for sure ... i should be working on other things and getting paid much more ( as my own mother said on the telephone ) ... but im stuck .. i really am.

I feel so lost. I dont know what to do ... my life seems to be working backwards right now...

=( !

January 14, 2006
12:26 am
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nc_mom_of_2
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Kaboom,
You are taking each day as it comes, and sometimes that is all you can do. I do believe in you and know that CAN make it!
What I would advise you to do is make a list of things you want for your life... then take a sheet of paper and write a specific plan for how to attain each of those goals. Pick one of those specific goals and work toward that...whether it be a new job, a new house, getting away from her... Whatever the goal...take the sheet of paper where you mapped out your "Plan" and put it into action one step at a time. Only tackle one goal at a time, and before you even know it, you will have accomplished a huge part of all those goals.

I can understand the losing the house issue. I live in the house I grew up in as a child. There's something here that is just so comforting.. Peaceful. But the saying goes like this " Home is where the heart is," and your heart is with your loved ones so it's where they are that you can find that peace...I hope!
All my love and prayers, Kaboom!!!

January 14, 2006
1:36 am
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kabooom
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nc mom of 2 ...

i justg got off the phone with my mom and she discussed to me the issue. She had told me that this may be a good thing for me and that this could potentially be a change in my life where at my age, now 29 .. i should rely on myself and be able to take care of myself without having to be dependent on my mom and dad.

she even admitted to me that they were too protective of me and my sister and that they accomodated way too much and i can see what she means ... She also said that if something were to happen to my dad or herself, what would we do ? I should in fact be thankful my father is willing to sell this house and put the $$ down in a condo for my sister to live in so we dont have to pay for any mortgages whatsoever...

like you said , home is where the heart is .. and this is my home. our home ... thank you for your posting nc mom of 2 ... i will go to sleep now finally ...

January 14, 2006
1:38 am
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kabooom
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... in your own opinion,( and anyone else that cares ) ...

do you think i should have done this a long time ago ? im 29 years old ... yet i find myself looking at most of my friends who still live at home with their families . Coming from a 'filipino' decent, my folks never forced me out of the house ...

but is that really a good thing ? OR is it me just hating the fact i have to start paying rent

January 15, 2006
8:06 pm
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alycia
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you will feel so much better being on ur own. I lived with my mum til i was 30 or so... I couldnt go back now... This independance is the best

January 15, 2006
8:55 pm
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Hi Kabooom,

It does sound like this is a very trying time for you right now.

I'm happy you had the strength to get out of the physically and emotionally abusive situation...many don't because they equate staying with survival.

It sounds like things were really good for you, until a few days ago.

Loosing the home you grew up in and breaking up with someone are big changes that can bring lots of stress, sadness, and powerful feelings of loss. These feelings could lead to depression, so I'm glad you had the foresight to find yourself a therapist.

You said something that sounds so failiar to me, about not wanting to complain because there are people out there with bigger problems. I can't tell you how often that thought pops into my mind. I listen with true empathy to others talk about their problems, but for some reason, my problems seem trivial by comparison. I don't know if this is your story, but if so friend, I think we need to give ourself permission to feel all of our feelings without guilt. To ask for help if something is difficult for us. To realize that we are important and that our thoughts and feelings matter as much as the next person's!

I know the feelings of regret you describe above. The need to beat yourself up about something you can't control. Punishing youself that way changes nothing and profits nothing. You've probablly already asked for forgiveness for any feelings of wrong. Accept the forgiveness! Forgive yourself! Once you've done this friend, there is, therefore now, no condemnation... I know it's hard to believe those words when we feel so clearly that there is condemnation...but that's why we can't lean to our own understanding of things 😉

You are not bad, you're fearfully and wonderfully made!

This will mean nothing to you today, right now, in the mist of you pain...but I believe everything you're dealing with, will someday be a testimony to someone else, who's certain that they can make it!

Keep the faith baby!

January 15, 2006
9:03 pm
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Anonymous
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One last suggestion if I may...

Try initiating the video game session or trip to the mall with your buds as opposed to waiting for them to do it.

When I'm stressed about one problem, I start examine my life, and before long I feel that EVERYTHING is a problem. There is a chance that your friends aren't neglecting you. They may just be giving you space or the could be completly clueless about how you're feeling, but want to know.

Reach out to them if you can, allow them be there for you!

January 15, 2006
9:37 pm
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kabooom
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alycia
----------

yeah , i think its merely the fact im scared of change thats all ... I've been living in a household where i still get in trouble when i raid the fridge at 1am after coming home by my father, or told to do this and do that ... Of course there is a small price to pay by paying rent/maintenance fees but thats easy... If I can maintain a credit card for 15 years and not have bad credit on it , i think ill be just fine ... but thank you for thoughts on this , I know it sounds strange for a stranger to be so thankful, but at times like this, sometimes i just need to be reminded thats all ^_^

actually i wont be on my own, my 21 year old sister will be staying with me . Its good in a way, keep my sanity level going and someone to cook ! ... but then again , i just hope she doesnt turn the place into what her room looks like now !

Young & Restless
---------------------------

Hi ^_^ ... yeah it was a tough one but i finally made it . I had some minor obstacles this afternoon with her 'friends' trying to persuade me to call her .. and i did .

To be honest, i kind of feel like an ass for not calling her on her birthday - but can you blame me ? was that a prick move of me not to ? i find that her bday would have been the only way for me to get ' soft ' and have me call her ... but on my way home i said F--- it ... i aint callin ..

Yeah, thats really the way i saw it, why bother complaining and moping - things could have been way worst right ? like my dad croaks and we lose EVERYTHING ( knock on wood ) ...

=)yes the videogame therapy came to mind , i spent an hour today at work surfing for good roleplaying videogames ( those are the only games i can stand these days ) but thought twice about it because of the $$ .. besides the time i sit there could be invested in something else like build my portfolio once and for all ( that way i can get the hell outta there ! )

... but thank you for your comments Y+R !!!

===============================
Hey .... Here's something i wish to share with ya'll too...

This was the email i received from my dad after i emailed him ( he's out of the country at the moment ) to ask him if he was really being serious about selling this house. I was also trying to convince him to keep it in a way that i wrote him back saying how we value this house from all the fond ( and bad ) memories we shared ...

NOTE : This was his email ( edited of course of our real names ),

Son,

Remember that a year or two ago I asked you to save? I feel the time has come to make a final decision, and if you feel that you still cannot possibly manage the financial affairs of that house, then, it is also my belief that it is not fair to impose such a thing on you…remember son, that in life, sometimes, people must give up certain things (like this house) to gain another that’s more beautiful, and there’s one word to describe that – sacrifice. And as the saying goes - there’ll will always be light at the end of the tunnel…this difficulty is temporal for as long you keep your faith in God..

I once told your mom (when she came, the next day, to claim part of the house after I threw her out ), I said: "pls. recognize that your ‘gold’ is not the house , your ‘gold’ are there in the house (and I pointed towards the direction of your room)"…I believe in that – that you and your sister are the real ‘wealth’ in our lives and I was simply reminding her of that. That’s why the decision to sell the house now was made easy for me. That house is not as important as the welfare of the both of you. They can say that its a ‘north American’ mentality ang that prevails, but somehow people lose perspective of what really is important in their lives life…

I trust that you will understand all these things yourself…someday, and I’m sure it will come…

lovingly,

dad

@[email protected] that really hit me hard! Speechless, but inspired...Surprised but extremely glad, I said to myself Yessireee .. My dad Rocks !! I SHOULD BE THANKFUL ! DOH !! STUPID ME !!

For the past 24 hours i been thinking, perhaps this change IS good afterall. I just aint the best with coping with sudden changes thats all. Also in a way, i never thought that this house would be gone, as I always had in my mind that it was OURS, our family's to keep ... but oh well, then again, new neighbours, new surroundings mean new beginnings ...

You know , I remember when i finished grade 7 I studied at a school where i had been accustomed to the kids and the area, then we moved. I transferred to a school way way way further away and i was to attend my grade 8 year there . The first day of school it was hell. I walked in late, shy, and didnt speak to no one .

Till around lunch time i broke down and cried. The teacher then came up to me and asked what was wrong. And i said i didnt wanna go to this school I wanted to go to the other school. I came home and i continued to cry in my room begging my mom to bring me to the other school. She said that wsnt an option. She told me that i need to live with what we have and what is offered to us . Of course it came out the other ear as I sulked and sulked. Then eventually i gave in. The next day, terrified of the class, new ppl .. I survived.

And guess what, a week into the grade 8 year, I slowly made friends.

I then started talking to more and more people and eventually became good friends with 2 kids ( from another classroom )... By the middle of the year, i was well known as the NINTENDO KING for all the video games i owned and all the tricks i could do in video games !! LOL .. by the end of the year, I was part of the school. Respected, never bullied. I looked back , till now to think... WOW . YUCK WHAT WAS I THINKINGGGGGGGGGG .LMAO ..

ANYWAY, ... thats all about it for the house situation ... my dad wont be back till end of february so ill be hanging around the neighbourhood for a while anyway, not like were moving ASAP ...

but as far as the original case of why im on this message board is ... the abusive relationship: well that yet is to be discussed with the pscyhotherapist i have an appointment with at 10:30am tomorwo morning ...

January 16, 2006
7:52 am
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kasie919
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Hey Kaboom:

Im sorry I wasnt on to much yesterday, I did email you and reply..

I know times are trying for you right now, and all these questons pop up in your head, Give it some time and things will work out..

You know, 29 is not old, I wished I had waited until i was older to even think about relationships, I wish I had my career first, I would have been financailly sound and independant, you are smart intelligent and on your way to success, you just have a stumbling block dont let it get in the way of growing..

You will find a new snese of freedom once you move into your new place, we talked about this, no one to tell you what to do, who to do it with, etc...
Your gonna be fine..
just got to get over this hurt your having right now, and ease the pain a little..
your life is a journey, and God wont steer you wrong, believe in him and you will find a way..

I love you Kaboom, your a good person and very kind and caring, you are truly a good friend...

Love Kasie

January 16, 2006
9:40 am
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Kaboom,

Did you call her?...you confused me - said your friends tried to get you to call her - and you did...did you?...or was that a typo.

Anyway - I think the home situation will work to your favor.

What I would suggest - if I was in your shoes - is to take the opportunity of "no rent" and "pretend" like you do - get a full time job and put away a bunch of money - pretend it's your rent/mortgage. That way you have a big savings account building up - and when you are ready, a nice downpayment on a home of YOUR choice.

I may be getting free housing come March - and I plan to do the same - act like I have a rent payment and put that money in the bank each month for a savings/nest egg.

Also - a condo will be alot easier to maintain for you - you won't have to worry about yard maintenance and such - and will have a smaller area to keep clean.

I think a fresh start will help - you can relocate without the ex knowing where you are - and you can make new friends. Often, you can make alot more friends in a condo situation - since you are close to alot of people. And in the matter of personal safety (should this ex come back to haunt you) - you have alot of people around to keep an eye out on your safety.

I think this is a good change for you - and you will have time to process it and get used to it - not like you have to move tomorrow.

January 16, 2006
10:05 pm
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Kabooom,

Your father seems like a very wise man.

To miss calling your ex on her birthday doesn't make you a p****.

Based on what you described, you were very smart to realize a conversation with her was not in your best interest at that time.

Her friends persuaded you huh? I hate it when that happens! Was the call to her this afternoon productive atleast? Were you able to maintain your boundaries with her?

I hope the therapy session went well today.

Building your portfolio is a great way to spend you time...but if you are looking for a real life recommendation for an RPG, for your down time, my son and I would highly suggest "The Sims".

I can relate to so much of what you're saying because change is hard for me as well. I feel like such a late bloomer sometimes...

This sounds like the begining of a great new journey for you and I wish you all the best!

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