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have i lost it?
October 4, 2009
5:21 am
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darkeyes
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hi i feel as if nothing is real anymore, i dont know if ive lost it mentally, did that happen for anyone? im having dreams that i feel im protecting evveryone, and they distrub me, i dont know if i should go to doctor or is it just part of me realizing im codependant??...can anyone shead some light on this....

October 4, 2009
9:33 am
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atalose
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dark,

Dreams usually stem from are conscious and sub-conscious thoughts. Feeling as if you need to protect everyone can be another way of saying you need to control everyone so they do just as you wish in order for them to remain safe.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

October 4, 2009
9:51 am
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darkeyes
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am i afraid to let go and move on?.change is happenin in me, maybe i am afraid cos i feel very shaky in myself,not sure who i am anymore, if im doing the right thing., my brother said to me the other day i dont care about anyone but myself even tho he comes and has dinner with me some days,in the week and knows im there for him...i cant win no matter what i do..

October 4, 2009
10:07 am
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mountainmama
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dark,
I think sometimes we tend to worry about everyone else but ourselves.. it sounds like that is where you are. so many people think seeing a therapist is a sign of weakness, but it just the opposite.. It is a sign of strength. You can recognize something is wrong and can make changes for yourself.. When you feel like you are under attack all the time and in your heart you are just doing what you feel it right, it makes you question yourself... talking to someone who is neutral, helps.. puts things in the right perspective.at least it has for me. hang in there...

October 4, 2009
10:21 am
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atalose
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A big part of being codependent lies with selfishness.

We want to control others – whether it’s for their own good or not.

We attempt to force solutions with our will over other people in order to protect our feelings.

We want to fix other people so they can have the life we feel they should have.

We do for others expecting others will do for us in return.

We become martyrs and we benefit from our pain, blaming others brings us pity and attention and helps us avoid taking responsibility for our own lives.

The common theme is……..I……….me………….very self absorbed thinking. We put our happiness in life on some one else’s shoulders then spend our lives trying to control the outcome.

Healthy thoughts and actions are foreign to us we’ve spent this far in life depending on everyone except ourselves.

I would bet that the comment your brother said to you the other night has nothing to do with you making him dinner a few times a week. Sounds like your un-healthy thinking is saying he owes you something because of your efforts and kindness and…….the something he owes you is to not hurt your feelings or speak HIS truth to you.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

October 4, 2009
10:25 am
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It No Longer Matters
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I also think that we do so much for others that we condition them to expect us to drop everything and cater to their needs. When we start breaking that cycle they are hurt and confused because we have put ourselves first and them second for the first time. When we utter the words I need and I want it stuns them. They then go on the defensive and tell us we are selfish and self centered when we are only thinking of ourselves for the first time in ouor lives. No I don't think you are losing it. I think you are actually finding it.

Bitsy

October 4, 2009
10:40 am
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mountainmama
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I absoutely agree with atalose and bitsy..i think that atalose is right on...Sometimes the truth is hard to hear. although, I am still confused as to the difference between co-dependent and enabling.. Can anyone explain the difference? the more I learn about each, the more they intertwine with each other.

October 4, 2009
10:54 am
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atalose
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Codependents are classic enablers, always doing for someone else what that someone else’s should and can do for themselves.

We don’t fully understand the meaning of “compassion” and end up enabling because of it.

When we clean up the consequences of others bad behaviors we enable them to continue with that bad behavior.

Compassion would be to allow them to face those consequences even when it will cause them pain.

Motives are what we need to ask ourselves before taking action, am I trying to interfere with the natural consequences of a loved ones choices? Am I trying to do for someone what they could be doing for themselves? Am I doing what I think is best for me? Do I resent what I am doing and if so is it really a loving choice?

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

October 4, 2009
11:25 am
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mountainmama
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thank you atalose. That makes perfect sense. I am thankful for finding this blog. thank you to everyone who provides insight and knowledge.

October 4, 2009
11:27 am
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Not to hijack a thread, but I am currently doing something that when I tell people I am doing it, they sort of look sideways at me. Back in the summer my friends S & D went out with a woman she works with and her husband. S & D were in separate cars and D left after he did. There had been drinking. D was digging through her purse to find her cell phone to let S know she was behind him but was going to stop at the grocery store. She crossed the yellow line and was pulled over. Our state has one of the lowest legal limits and she was just over it. Her drivers license was suspended for 90 days and she has court costs and attorney's fees to pay. She pays one of the women she works with to drive her to work (she buys gas), she pays her daughter to pick her up most nights, on Tuesday she packs a suitcase and spends the night with me. She works just down the street from my house. I pick her up from work on Tuesday, fix us an adult dinner (because I enjoy it and it gives me one night a week that Cat and I arn't here alone and I can talk to another adult) and Wednesday morning on my way to BNI I drop her off at work. The only time I could even consider I am putting myself out is in the afternoon when I have to drive 5 minutes to pick her up from work. I expect nothing in return. Is this co-dependent behaviour? Am I enabling her? Or am I just a friend lending a helping hand? (Oh and last Tuesday night she took Cat and me out to dinner as a thank you and once I had to stop by the store and pick up a few things and she handed the checkout lady a twenty and told me to keep the change.

Bitsy

October 4, 2009
12:30 pm
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darkeyes
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atalose. being codependant we want to control other, i dont big time, i want them all to go away and leave me in peace, and only come and see me when they dont want me to fix things,, my dream involves a new friend who is also as i see now looking to me to be there and fix her life...have been going to counceling for 3 yrs on my own but in my country codependancy isnt know about much. i think im ok but something else crops up for me to question, and i dont know if its right or wrong im doing.... i know ye all understand, but have anyone a easy way to get through all this...i just want to become reclusive and not see anyone...

October 4, 2009
12:36 pm
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Darkeyes, I coccooned myself for a little while. I am ready to come out and be among people again. I think you are where you need to be right now..

Bitsy

October 4, 2009
12:42 pm
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darkeyes
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maybe thats what i need to do...bitsy have you come out the otherside in a better place??, and do you think to become reclucive is a good thing...im tired of been hurt, its getting harder to heal

October 4, 2009
3:02 pm
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atalose
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Bitsy,

If you offered her this solution and have no resentment or regrets then it’s fine that you are helping a friend. It might be codependent and enabling if she had suggested this, you had reservations about it but said yes anyway.

I think she is facing the consequences of her own actions, she lost her privilege to drive and now she has to pay some one else to do that for her

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

October 4, 2009
3:07 pm
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atalose
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believe there is a major difference between becoming reclusive in order to take a break from people, places and situations around us while we work on how WE can better address life then AVOIDENCE of life all together.

dark -----what part of being codependent to you struggle with if not control? In the 3 years of counseling when did the word codependent come up and how does it relate to your life?

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

October 4, 2009
3:12 pm
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Thank you atlose. I did offer. She accepted after making sure that if would not inconvenience me in any way. She laughs that once she regains priviledges she is going to continue coming to this restaurant. Cat is a very picky eater and it is enjoyable for me to cook for someone who enjoys it.

Darkeyes. I am still coming through to the other side. Search some of the threads with my name in them. I came her in June of 2007. I was different then. I am better now. I have been through the valley and I am now climbing the mountain. I am searching for a nice meadow to stop and rest a while, if any of that makes sense. I read a lot. Self help, fiction, fluff, I took a lot of long soaky baths, I sat in the sun and drank cold beers, I poured my heard out here. People here helped. The ones who minced no words helped me the most. My general personality it to soothe and smooth things over for people and tell them oh, you will be fine. When I confront you and tell it like it is ,it is because someone in the past confronted me and told me how it was. "Bitsy, wake up and smell the coffee that man ain't no good." Someone named Nappy was the most vocal with me. She told it like it was and asked me what was wrong with me that I continued to go back for more when he had done A, B, and C. I haven't been in your shoes but I have at least walked along the same beach as you.

Bitsy

October 4, 2009
3:34 pm
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darkeyes
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codependant came up for me cos i had to find answers to what i was going through, why i texted someone that didnt want to know me, why i kept going back for more abuse and take it from everyone around me and not say anything but hurt so deeply inside...i want to know how to put myself across without ofending or seen to be taking control. i ahd no other choice in most of my life cos i had to take care of 3 children, my mother, father,and my 6 sibblings,my husband and all their families when anything went wrong. darkeyes will fix it, just got abuse when it didnt turn out the way it should have for them..i didnt want to know i couldnt fix anything cos it wasnt mine but how can you turn your back on family and i didnt know i had a choice..it stopped for me when i suffered heart failure, my family disapeared..so i knew it was time for change....went to counseling when my marraige got into trouble,when that finised went for myself. have got more help on this site in last few mths.. atalose my brother is a ass and just thinks the world owes him something, he just likes to put me down cos im female, and is a power thing,im the eldest and im female and that dont sit well with my brother, i make dinner for no matter who calls, ahve always done that,and happy to do always..i dont want to control nothing or no one just want to be happy live my life in peace and dont want to have to feel hurt and pain all the time or to want to hurt anyone in return

October 4, 2009
3:45 pm
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darkeyes
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hi bitsy i understand, im where im meant to be right now. i know all advise i get is coming from a good place, i always listen and take on board,even if i gets peed off and dont like what i hear..yes we walk the same beach, your alittle futher alone than me,im just been splashed a bit more right now... and in reading your threads lately your daughter is one lucky child to have a mum like you,and your doing a finr job...

October 4, 2009
5:39 pm
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atalose
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Dark,

Sorry to hear about the heart failure! and your family disappearing. What about today do all those people your mother, father 3 kids and 6 siblings come to you when things go wrong for them?

And even thought you don’t mind making dinner for who ever calls, maybe it’s time to reassess if there presents in your home is something that you do mind. Limit that contact instead of feeling obligated to endure there treatment towards you. Your brother doesn’t seem to appreciate it anyway and you don’t appreciate his need to put you down. And that is something you can control, limited contact.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

October 4, 2009
6:09 pm
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darkeyes
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my young brother died, my parents have both passed away,my kids have their own lifes but im always there for them, my other 5 sibblings, live their own lifes now also only see them sometimes, cos im not doing al the contacting first, and then its with troubles..alot has happened in my life over last 12 yrs..in last few yrs, my marraige, this other guy, heart failure, havent time to deal with anything cos everything came together, and now im on this journey,trying to figure it all out...sometimes i just feel overloaded, just would like life to be easy sometimes....

October 5, 2009
9:27 am
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atalose
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Life can be easy once we allow it to be. Once we get control over our “stinking thinking” we free our minds to embrace life and find harmony.

Life isn’t always fair but it still can be good. Making peace with the past helps so the present isn’t all screwed up. And when in doubt, just take the next small step, keep moving forward.

You have had a lot happen in the past 12 years, that time is behind you now and today is a brand new day.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

October 5, 2009
9:56 am
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darkeyes
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life is life whatever your journey, mine is as such.. il move forward i have no choice if i want to be happy! yes i had alot happen,all have shook me to my foundation, but if it hasnt killed me it will make me stronger!!."stinking thinking" is so hard to battle cos you have to constantly catch yourself...thanks atalose. my sharing on here has helped me greatly and i have more understanding of myself.....

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