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Have fallen back into that dark hole of depression, need to get out and SOON
September 15, 2003
11:50 pm
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Cloudyskies
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I've posted on here before, well it's almost been a year. I may as well tell me whole story for anyone who needs to read it. I don't know if i've even told friends this much, but since it's anonymous I guess I feel it's easier.

Last year around november I was so depressed i went to the local "Behavioral health center" the only place that takes me insurance here in town and told them i needed help because I didn't feel like getting out of bed, I cried for no reason and thought of killing myself which I knew when i was thinking straight was not right. I've tried to get help for my depression for years.. I was at a breaking point..

I'm only 20.. life is hard enough without having to deal with depression. So I was put on Zoloft and around this time the semester of college was over so my sister asked if I wanted to come work with her. I wasn't sure but decided to take the risk.

I had also been through a break up, a guy had cheated on me and hurt me really bad.. I had tried to kill myself and then felt really guilty afterwards as it was stupid and selfish And i hurt my family. he wasn't worth it.

This job was a godsend, although it was fulltime and i had to take some time off from school. It kept me so busy i had no time to dwell over my ex boyfriend..no time to remember I was depressed. I was making enough money to buy myself pretty much all the new clothes and music I wanted and since I live at home still had money to save for a car. I made new friends at work, and got my confidence back.

I Guess i was doing quite well up until about March. There was a guy I had talked to about music on the internet for about a year off and on..we never really talked about meeting until one day we just decided it would be nice to. One thing led to another and we both liked each other a lot.

We got serious pretty quickly.. As this was my first time dating since the ex guy i'd been with for 2 years I was scared to commit to him. I liked him a lot but everytime he asked me to be his girlfriend I said i wasnt sure, was afraid to trust. Well we ended up having sex and a week later after staying at his house for the 2nd weekend he broke up with me.

Said he wanted to stay friends but needed "Space" This whole relationship was only 2 months.. but it still affected me as I really cared for this person. I trusted him not to hurt me. We did not stay friends, he hasn't picked up the phone to call me since that day. I sent him a pretty harsh email shortly after that but appologized. I am the only one who has tried to stay friends.. I have given up after MANY failed attempts at friendship with him

This was in MAY that this all happened. months ago. I quit my job in aug. WHY well it was 45 min away and didn't leave me time for school. I felt i should be in school.. but not here.. I hate wher ei live with a passion. But i needed to be in school so yeah I i ended up at the local community college.

I have no friends here.. and was going to move with a friend an hour away but plans fell through. SO I quit a job that made me happy because I wanted to go to school when i'm not even sure WHAT I WANT TO DO IN SCHOOL.

Forgot to mention that back in MAY i got off the anti depressants that were given to me LAST november when i was depressed and distraught. I Was HAPPY..happy with my life and with the guy i was dating..I liked him so much. I figured i didnt need stupid meds.

Well last week i broke down before classes and cried and called someone to pick me up. So i'm back on meds.. but still very angry and myself.

I Was happy and let it all slip away.. now i'm right back to where i started from last year! I had come so far yet had SO Far to go and now I don't even want to get out of bed. UGH i want my happiness back.. HELP.

September 16, 2003
10:31 am
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sixfootblonde
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Progress is a funny thing, cloudyskies. We think it should be this fast, this obvious and we should never backslide. Sad fact is, we are all frustratingly human. So progress may vary and if we didn't quite learn the lesson the first time, we may very repeat the entire episode. I know because I have. The key is to keep on moving forward. It is in looking back and dwelling on the past the progress stops. Look back and remember the lesson learned, but keep looking ahead most of all.

You have learned. It's a really hard decision for lots of people, the job vs. school thing. Hey, right now I have the job and am trying to figure out a way to get back in school. How are we to know how things go until we try right? So you know that you're not so sure of what direction you'd like to go in school. Maybe right now what will work for you is a job. You say you're back on meds...that's good, you know what works for you and you took care of that. That's a positive!

As for this guy, his loss! This is another example of a pattern repeated often here on the board and in many people I know in "real life." It's a lesson I've learned this past year; we cannot and should not take responsibility for other people's actions! It's easy to do, but taking on that burden is no good for us and only weighs us down. You said you attempted many times to remain friends. He rejected that...ok. You tried. No more you can do - we can't make people be what we want them to be. (Too bad sometimes, huh? *grin*)

Don't be so hard on yourself. Life is a series of stumbles and falls but hey, live and learn! Hang in there girl! 🙂

September 16, 2003
11:41 am
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mj
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Thanks for sharing your story, cloudyskies....Welcome back.

At least you are not alone and are reaching out for comfort and solutions. I think that you are making lots of progress. You are back on meds....and you recognize that you want to be happy again. This is progress.....

September 16, 2003
5:17 pm
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unhappy camper
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To cloudyskies from unhappy camper

Boy oh boy oh boy....we are a couple of sad ones huh? LOL

I want to cheer you on to finding some real help in person from a counselor/therapist to work on your problems diligently. Do this so your future will be easier.

Clear up the clutter in your soul and make room for a stronger happier blue skies with sun shine and birds singing....

Don't gloss it over and start and stop meds. Please do it right.

Learn some behaviour modifications and dig down deep to find out the root causes of your feelings and reactions.

You know you are worth the effort. I bet you work hard at your job. Think of this as your job. The paycheck is your mental health and happiness.

Best wishes

September 23, 2003
4:41 pm
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Jude1
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The fact that you can feel pain from this situation is a good sign...although, I'm sure (and, believe me, I know) that doesn't seem like much of a consolation.

I guess my point is, since you feel pain from your current situation, you are not dead inside. Doesn't it feel as though this guy (or perhaps both?) caused you to die inside? As though they killed your spirit?

Since you feel the pain you do, you can know for sure that they did not kill your spirit...It's only wounded. And, in time, it will heal.

Believe me, I understand your stiuation....I have been where you are. It's so hard...feels like it will never end. But it will.

Do yourself a favor...Take a break from dating for a little while. Examine yourself and gain an understanding of what you are really looking for and then settle for nothing less. Look at the signs (no matter how subtle) that these last two guys displayed that might have indicated that they weren't going to work out. They are there...you just have to really look sometimes. When you see those signs in other guys that you are dating, get out before it's too late.

And always remember that you have your whole life ahead of you...so much to live for...You are so young and full of promise. Finish school, take care of yourself, have a career. A relationship won't make you happy....you must do that for yourself. A relationship should be the "icing on the cake". It should enhance your life.

Best of luck to you....I can see that you are a very special and loving person...You deserve the same.

September 24, 2003
12:36 am
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Cloudyskies
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Thank you everyone for your replies

Especially "Happy camper" for this:

You know you are worth the effort. I bet you work hard at your job. Think of this as your job. The paycheck is your mental health and happiness.
--
That was very insightful and I have decided to take heed of this and try my best at this "job" that is to bring my life back to normal and feel ok again.

It's just.. i'm 20 and I feel i should be able to date. But I know I can't becausese i'm depressed a lot and so self conscious that I wouldn't know how to act in a relationship at this point.

In fact the guy i mentioned that i last dated.. I would constantly ask him why he even liked me, I was intimidated by him even at times because he had been to ohter countries.. knew a lot more people than me and I was more outspoken. I keep blaming myself for ruining things by being a paranoid freak :-/

Jude: thank you for your response. I know the pain does end as I rarely even feel an ounce of it when I think of my first "love" and how things happened with him and how he hurt me. I once thought I would always hurt so much inside for what he did to me but I find myself not even caring much to think about him much less the feelings I had.

Problem is it did scar me.. I can't trust people very well especially if it is someone I would get romantically involved with. Because of this I know i will ruin any potential relationship in the future 🙁

So I saw the last guy I dated this saturday. The one who said we'd stay friends but hasn't made the slightest effort..and has ignored me for months. Funny thing is I saw him at a concert with 50,000+ people I just happened to run into HIM. I was speaking with a friend and he saw me..started to walk over I think but then walked away.

Odd how things happen that way.. It only left me feeling more sad that we do not speak anymore..I really cared for him.

As for my depression i have gotten a little better but not much. I'm finding my life a bit stale and wish i could get out of the house more (i've failed my driving test twice!) but that's another long story. Being 20 and home all the time really isn't good for your self esteem.. it really makes me feel horrible.

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