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Have a HUGE decision to make....
May 31, 2005
6:03 pm
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dustygirl
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Hi all - haven't posted in a few days. Well, things with the b/f have been okay - he always knows what to do when I start pulling away and it always pulls me back in. I hate it - but always seem to go. I did start going to SLAA meetings and realized that I fit the perfect definition of a Love Addict - it's quite scarry. I have been through some of the withdrawls and they are so painful that I would just rather stay in the pain that I am in.

Well, the decision I have to make. I applied for a job about 4 hours away - 2 weeks ago I was going to do it for sure - nothing would stop me - well, now the time is here - got the job, the new place to live and all I can think about is whether I am running ( I know I am) but it seems to be the only way to end this relationship. I know I am the problem - he isn't - and wherever I go, I will be there, but I am just so tired of wanting more from him and him not being able to give it to me. I need to move on - I have wasted 3 years with him, but I just can't imagine packing my things and moving away as I know that will be the end of it.

I am so scared right now as I know if I don't take this job I will regret it but I will always wonder if I do leave, am I giving up something that might eventually work?

UGH!

May 31, 2005
9:11 pm
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Deena
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it seems like you already made the decision. You have the place, the job, a fresh start on life. Im for it. Yeah it will be hard to move away, but if it is meant to be- it will work out. Best of luck

May 31, 2005
10:26 pm
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exoticflower
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Dusty, nice to see you!

Maybe you are running, but not away from something healthy. And you are running to something, right? I think you are on the right track myself, though I did pack up and leave NY, and as soon as I got home vowed never to look back while this is who he is and this is how it effects me...maybe I'm an extremist. Just what I think though, you seemed locked in battle with yourself and with him so recently. I think it could be good for you, myself. Whatever you decide, of course, I hope it is good for you.

((((((((((dusty))))))))))))))

May 31, 2005
11:03 pm
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LouWho
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I vote go.

I did the same thing. It changed my life. If I hadn't, I can just imagine what a fool I would have made of myself. I was really a master of foolishness and stupidy. (Now I am the foolish and stupid people's Queen, so practice did make perfect, at least.)

Years later I learned after I quit dating him, he started seeing his girlfriend before me and she killed herself 2 months into their relationship.

I don't know why, but I have always felt like I dodged a bullet.

Sometimes it's like we know the answers, we just don't know why we know what we know. Go with the instinctual feeling here. I think you know you are doing the right thing.

June 1, 2005
10:49 am
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dustygirl
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Everything inside of me tells me to go, but I am so afraid of the pain I will endure when I leave - everyone says it can't be much worse than what I am feeling now - but I am so afraid. I am having a hard time functioning as it is right now and to up and leave scares me so much.

He told me last night his daughter is moving back home with him which is just another stumbling block as she hates me and therefore I won't be able to come around (he says it's temporary - I say BULLSHIT).

I feel so stuck right now and can't imagine packing things and moving - I feel like I can't breath without him. I just can't seem to stop crying these days..

June 1, 2005
10:54 am
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kc30
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Dusty, I've been wondering about you!

GO GO GO GO GO I don't care if it's "running away". You don't have the stregnth right now to stay this close to him and get healthy.

Do whatever you need to do to BREAK THE ADDICTION!

My 2 cents...and again, being Canadian, it's really only about 1.6 cents US...but still!

This will never change unless you do something. Do this. I just have this picture of you...packing up everything...wiping the slate clean...packing up your car...and leaving it ALL behind. Fresh start...reminds me of a Jann Arden song...I'll see if I can find the lyrics.

If I didn't have children, I would have done it a long time ago.

kc

June 1, 2005
10:56 am
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kc30
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Here it is!

Got my suitcase
Got my dog
I'm packing up my life so far

Got my pictures
Got some cash
I'm getting out of here at last

Got my hands on the wheel, got my foot on the pedal
Gonna drive til I drop, til the tires turn to metal
Gonna sleep when I'm dead, gonna laugh like the devil
Gonna find some place where no one knows me

Gonna stop when the last drop of gas turns to vapor
Gonna ride til I can't even seem to remember
Who I was when I left and it don't even matter
Gonna find some place where no one knows me

Feel the sunburn on my skin
I feel the wind whip through my grin

Took the rear-view mirror down
I wrapped it in my wedding gown

Got my hands on the wheel, got my foot on the pedal
Gonna drive til I drop, til the tires turn to metal
Gonna sleep when I'm dead, gonna laugh like the devil
Gonna find some place where no one knows me

Gonna stop when the last drop of gas turns to vapor
Gonna ride til I can't even seem to remember
Who I was when I left and it don't even matter
Gonna find some place where no one knows me

June 1, 2005
11:31 am
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dustygirl
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I feel like I am driving everyone away. I was crying to my b/f this morning about his daughter moving in - my sister in law called and I was crying and she just got mad because she said that I won't let anyone help me and that they are all just frustrated with me. Her idea of helping is physically removing me from where I am at and locking me up so I can't contact him. He's not the problem - I AM. They just don't get that. He's not promised me anything - I just want what I can't have.

I can't help it - I feel like I am losing control. Today I pictured myself driving my car off the cliff. I am afraid of these thoughts - I know he's not worth it - and I wont do anything foolish - but I just can't handle all this pain anymore and I know it's just going to get worse before it gets better.

I feel like I have just fucked up my life so much and now I don't know how to unfuck it (sorry for the language). My friends and family are sick of me, I am sick of me and my b/f is sick of me. I just want to throw in the towel and give up and I am not getting anywhere this way.

June 1, 2005
11:32 am
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Sol
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Dusty: I am new to this site, Just started today. I am in a similar situation, though six years married. I wish I had the set up you seem to have. I would run towards my life, my independance, my health. Remember that you have this support when you are feeling really down. A new job, place, space...The possibilities are endless. I have learned that the "same" in relationships really means "worst".

June 1, 2005
11:37 am
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2bstrong
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Oh Dusty--I was thinking about you yesterday and today. I would give almost anything to be able to do what you have the opportunity to do. It's not that I can't, the wheels are turning for me now, too--but you have it all in place. Don't second-guess your gut!

You're young and beautiful--and God has made it even easier for you to do this by clearing all of the obstacles out of your way.

Do it Dusty--you're ready.

Love to you--2b

June 1, 2005
2:41 pm
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Deena
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2b..you are right on...I would have given anything to be able to pick up and go. (if I didn't have kids-i'd be outta here)
Dusty...Listen to what 2b said...someone upstairs gave you this opportunity maybe it's your last one to start fresh. Take advantage of the situation.

Remember that ol saying...if you love something set it free...blah blah blah?

GO! we are all here for you!

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