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haunting flashbacks
January 13, 2007
12:17 am
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skoopdoctaj
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(I know it's long but please take the time to read this, i tried keeping it as short as possible)
hello, i haven't posted here in such a long time. so for all of u who won't understand where i'im coming from, here's some background info:
i live with a man who had kids with my mom, everyone in my family hates him. he used to be occasionally abusive. he is now very much passive agressive (clinically diagnosed) and still much of an a-hole, for lack of better words. I'm emotionally doing much better off than then thanks to everyone here who helped me.

In the past when I was younger, him and I had gotten into one quarrel too many, most ending with just exchange of words. However, there would be those times he would lash out and push me over gates, tip basketball hoops onto me, slam me with doors and tear up my arms. I thankfully never ended up with any fatal physical injury. But one event sticks out drastically in my mind, and it seems like I can never stop thinking about it.
Long story short (for reason of blanking on a lot of it), he flipped out, slammed me with a door in the bathroom after unbolting it. i ran for the phone, he viciously fought me over it for what seemed like 3 hours literally. i finally got it and ran down to my room and called my mom home with a 5 pound dumbell ready in my hand. i was scared for my life. he took all of the files in the file cabinet (including all of our birth records/SS cards and important documents) and split. my mom let him see the kids once a week for less than a month than finally she let him back in. me and him have NEVER had a conversation since then. we always just pass each other like we don't see each other and it's been like this for years.
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but every time i hear anyone moving around upstairs or coming down the stairs i become hypervigilant and have extreme flashbacks of that event. and when I see him it's the same thing except worse usually that's all it was. but now it happens chronically for no apparent reason at random times, and the headaches get worse.
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I have no idea what I'm supposed to do, I was doing so well emotionally but now I'm beginning to having a breakdown. Please help me.

January 13, 2007
1:41 am
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free
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Hi skoop

i can relate to this completely.

For whatever reason, your head has decided it's the right time to deal with happened to you and how it made you feel. You've kept it "stuffed" for a long time. No sense arguing with that- it's gonna all come out.

But...

in the end you're gonna be stronger, wiser, healthier, and happier.

i saw a doctor and got on xanax(an anti-anxiety medication) kuz I had panic attacks to the point where I'd pass out. he also prescribed zoloft, an anti-depressant and mild anxiety medication. I found a therapist, my main plea was to help me keep my life together. I had a career, kids, and was just terrified of all that falling apart.

I couldn't sleep, eat, got really thin. Nightmares, flashbacks. And flashbacks aren't something you can really explain- to me it felt like being in two places at one time- my physical senses as far as sight was in the present, but touch and thought was in both the present and past, with feelings and emotions in the past. They were confusing, terrifying. These flashbacks aren't random- there are triggers causing them. you can learn what triggers you and head these off at the pass.

You CAN make it through this.

If this is negatively affecting you the way it did me, put pride and shame aside. See a medical doctor, and tell him/her you need help. find a therapist (heck I just used the yellow pages) and GO.

One thing that helped me was self research in my quest to understand. You can google and read about PTSD (that's what this is), and within that will be various coping strategies that have worked for you up until now. These coping strategies work while we need them, but like any medication, they don't work when they aren't needed. Somehting in your head thinks they aren't needed anymore.

Something in your life is right at the moment for you to deal with what you have kept inside for so long.

and that's gonna happen. a part of you is gonna fight that (you are right now), but that part isn't gonna win. It's easier to go with the flow than resist it.

It's gonna be okay.

You're not alone, PTSD is extremely common amongst trauma survivors.

The book "The Courage to Heal" was especially helpful to me as well as another that I can't think of right now.

You can do this. But do something good for you right now, you deserve it. Don't make yourself face this alone. I skipped making an appointment and went right to urgent care for medical help.

Do that okay?

You deserve that.

hugs

free

January 13, 2007
12:08 pm
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skoopdoctaj
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September 24, 2010
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Thank you so much for replying. What you said is exactly what I am going through. I'm definitely going to try getting a copy of that book.
But I don't know if I can see a therapist about this, all pride and shame aside. I really wouldn't be able to afford it since I'm only 16 and still living with the my mom and her b/f. And every time I've ever asked my mom to see one she put me through the guilt trip indirectly saying that I'm just pleeing for attention (even though the both of them are in couple therapy).

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