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Has anyone successfully communicated their codependency to their partner...
March 23, 2007
3:11 pm
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balancesekr
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Has anyone successfully communicated their codependency to their partner... without feeling crappy like you are totally blaming yourself?

I feel the need for a change is rapidly approaching. I need help and I need to stop the insanity.

My question is this: How do I end my relationship, but leave potential for a future relationship once I am healed? Is this possible?

I need to know what to say! Without looking completely like the problem.

March 23, 2007
3:50 pm
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Sakti
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Hi balancesekr,

I believe to be codependent, there have to be two people involved. I perhaps am wrong.

I'm always sizing others up, whether this is healthy are not for others it is for me.

Write: the words will come, but don't force them. Us I statements to the best of your ability. Do your best not to place blame. I feel certain that the person you are involved with has issues you just have not seen yet.

Blessing,
Sakti

Read what I wrote about my husband, I continue to get closer to leaving. It is under My husband is clean, know it is about money...

March 23, 2007
3:55 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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balance....

you may not want a relationship once you work thru recovery...realizing that this person "triggers" you in some way or another.

but, it's always nice to know you can go back if you want to.

I did explain my codependency to my partner...but because he was abusive, he used it against me...he promised to work thru it with me...but at every opportunity, he used it to cut me down and make me feel like shit.

in SUBTLE ways of course...he used to say things like "don't worry about it, I understand", but then chew me out for doing just what he said was ok...or he would tell me I was the dysfunctional ones.

focus on the idea that you are not in a good place mentally right now and you want to focus on getting stronger and don't want to shortchange your partner in the process...explain that you care for them and don't want to hurt them...and hope you can remain friends and not have any hard feelings.

the rest is up to them...and they may be hurt one way or another.

but if you explain that you want to be as healthy mentally as you can be and feel like you are not healthy enough to be in a relationship they may understand.

However, IF they are codependent, or abusive in any way, they may try to talk you into staying...and then use it all against you.

March 23, 2007
7:10 pm
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revelation
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"I did explain my codependency to my partner...but because he was abusive, he used it against me...he promised to work thru it with me...but at every opportunity, he used it to cut me down and make me feel like shit. "

DITTO!!!!!!

My opinion: Co-deps while in the true low of their low self-worth will NOT get into a relationship with a healthy person....the very nature of it means we want to rescue...we are attracted to people we feel we can help...whether that be conscious or unconscious.

Once we recognise the condition, and the habits we have developed, our need to always be in a drama-filled stressful relationship...we can start to work on it. The healthier our self-worth becomes, the less likely we are to be attracted to someone with serious issues.

I think if you are in a relationship and you feel a need (either because of the way you are behaving or the way he is behaving) to explain your co-dependency...then you are in the wrong relationship.

March 23, 2007
7:25 pm
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loverbee
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I went to therapy with my ex to work out our codependency so that we may in the future work out but also so that at the very least we could remain the best of friends. One thing my therapist said is that yes... it does take two to do the codependent tango. In order to remedy the situation, the first thing we did was to switch places. I mean that for the longest time, I did the cooking, cleaning, caretaking, billsending, errands like grocery shopping etc... so for four weeks, he did all that. This was to help him gain perspective of how much I did and also to help me gain perspective on how hard it was to ask for help and to allow myself time to have to just sit and be. It was a habit that I didn't like quiet time with myself. Well after four weeks, he made a list. He split the chores, errands and meals completely down the middle and during exams took over more so that I could study. That was a huge step. Then we decided that we needed to be able to go a few nights without seeing eachother so we hung out with our friends individually. It is always going to be a process of improvement, especially if we ever get back together, but the point is that it is possible to begin change. It just takes help from a professional in my opinion.

March 25, 2007
6:59 am
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balancesekr
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I feel really out of control at this point, I got home from being out last night and sat in the shower with the water running crying. I really am not happy and I'm not sure who to reach out to!

i keep focusing on losing my partner and how sad I will be, but I am not in a good place with him either! And I don't want this to be my fault.

sakti: I believe my bf has some codep qualities, I know that he does, somehow I blame that on me too. Although I know he would probably have issues with another woman too. I need to write like you said, there will be some valueable information when I do, I keep putting it off thinking things will get better.

hi rising 🙂 I hear you that I might not want a relationship when working through recovery. How do you know when you ARE in recovery? I went to a meeting yesterday and I heard myself talking and just felt all over the place, I don't feel I readily admit this is a problem, I am in denial some what and that goes right against STEP #1.
I appreciate your advice with how to handle the situation. I really need to address this before things get out of control, and they are close to there. He has a tendency when I talk about my feelings about us, to minimize, tell me I don't need to think that way, etc... I think he is trying to be helpful honestly, he knows I am very fearful, scared, a worrier so he may just be reasuring me, but I can't look to him to fix this. I am in such denial and I cling to this relationship.

revelation: I got involved with him knowing I didn't feel right. Knowing he wasn't at the level I was and here I am clinging to this relationship. I am just so upset with what I have done to myself here, it is just very difficult to admit. He is not abusive to me, that is what hurts me more, he is a good guy and I am the one having trouble, although, I feel he does have trouble too.

loverbee, did your ex admit he was codep too? How did you start the process, meaning when and how did you tell your boyfriend you were having a problem? So you are not together anymore... what happened? If you don't mind sharing.

March 25, 2007
9:58 am
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balancesekr
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does anyone else have experience in this area? I feel like discussing this today, but we have company coming over to my place for dinner.

I have been thinking about just saying this relationship isn't really working for me... or like what you said risingfromthe ashes, I am not in a good place mentally.

I don't want to put too mych blame on myself here.

I am so scared to break up. I just really don't know how much longer I can do this. Why do I pretend around him, why don't I feel I am being myself. I am not THAT different but I struggle so much inside.

March 25, 2007
10:12 am
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loverbee
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Well, it started out, that I told him that I was having a problem and in order to better help me, I thought it would be good if we talked to my therapist together. Then I let my therapist explain what codependency. He couldn't really argue with that. If I were you I would explain the reasons why you think you are codependent with him because he needs to take responsibility too.

March 25, 2007
10:40 am
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ggfred4
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Thanks for this thread...it is making me think here. I have been married 27 years. I just found out I was codependent last summer. A few months ago, I tried to inform my h about it. He knew I was reading a lot, went to a therapist..but quit, knew I was on a counseling website, but just avoided whatever I was feeling. So, I thought, "I need to communicate with him so he will understand me!" When we were in a place that he couldn't up and leave, I took out the Codependent No More book and began to read off the checklist that applied to me. He had no interest and didn't want to hear it. Knowing him, I knew he was getting defensive.

I am working on boundaries since I apparently have none. I am now reading a great book, Boundaries...When to say Yes,When to say No, To take control of your life. It comes with a great workbook too. Well, since I have been trying to set a few, stand up for myself, I have been met with great resistance. But, then on the otherhand, I think he is fearing that I may leave him and he is also going out of his way to be more loving...something I have been wanting for years! His yo-yo behavior is driving me crazy.

Yesterday, we stopped at a nursery and he started talking to me. Oh, I am getting over major surgery. He said that now that I am physically getting better that I need to be more active and start projects like I used to do in the yard and that will probably help end my PITY PARTY! I asked, "What are you talking about? What pity party?" He said, "That depression thing you are going through, once you get back to NORMAL, that should end". Oh, been diagnosed by the doc, major depression. His comment really showed his lack of understanding. But a lot is my fault as I have not disclosed my past, my fears, etc. to him.

Okay, I am really rambling here, but it felt good to get it out...thanks for anyone listening...

gg

March 26, 2007
6:40 pm
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balancesekr
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loverbee, I an hesitant to explain codependency to him. In my last relationship I explained to my boyfriend what it was and that I felt our relationship was unhealthy, I feel like I did a number on myself... the same core issue was there though, that I didn't feel right in the relationship.

ggfred, I am sorry to hear how your husband is acting towards you. It just makes me wonder about being open regarding codependency with a partner. They really need to be supportive otherwise trouble.

The title of my thread deals with communicating the codependency, but maybe my thing here is how to resolve this situation. I want to LOSE the confusion, I want to FEEL right in my relationship.

He and I have to be in a dance together, it does take 2. I may just take the path of I want to resolve my confusion and it doesnt seem to be working for me in the context of this relationship. I have tried to no avail and it hurts me to let him go, but I have to have faith that the answers will come to me and if he is right for me, it will work out.

What stops me from doing this is all the negative fears and low self worth and low self esteem issues which are ALL MINE! I kick my ass with this stuff. If somehow I can muster up the courage to know I will be OK, this will not be the end of the world and that some other GREAT gal will wind up with him, I can do it. I cant let these things stop me. If he is meant to be with someone else, it is meant to be. Me, clinging on in confusion is getting me nowhere.

I just feel I have waited so long to do this and that will ensure it being over. How can I be with him 2.5 years and then need clarification?

This is so difficult. Difficult to admit that I am doing, that I am stuck, that I have put myself here. I guess I was just really trying to make things work.

I have to praise myself for not cheating on my boyfriend or getting involved with someone else, or just losing my mind crying and breaking up every other month or so and discussing constantly what I think is wrong with the relationship - these were all my past behaviors. This time around I have done better.

So that is something to feel good about. My boyfriend has made me a better person. He is a beautiful person, but something is just not right. I want to love him, but just cant seem to let go.

May 21, 2007
7:51 pm
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fred888
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Yes I have.
It was good to be able to vocalise my codep and to illustrate the patterns of my unhealthy behaviour using examples form our relationship. And in turn to see how my behaviour impacted on my partners behaviour and visa versa and that both of us are behaving in a codep way although differently to each other. I assume total responsibility and my partner relinquishes it. And this is a never ending circle. We spoke openly and honestly and agreed that a pattern remains a pattern until you change course. I need to be constantly vigilant of my behaviour and my response to my partners behaviour and my partner has agreed to be constantly vigilant of their behaviour and Reponses. I love my partner and I know my partner loves me, with work and commitment we can make our relationship healthy by changing our selves as individuals and doing it individually within the frame work of mutual understanding and support.

May 21, 2007
7:56 pm
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loverbee
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The other thing you have to remember is that if you are codependent then it is also your partners issue as well. I mean it takes to to do the codependent tango. Once you begin to talk about it with eachother WITHOUT PLACING BLAME ON ANYONE, then you can begin to grow out of the codependent behavior.

May 21, 2007
8:20 pm
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Rasputin
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Kudos to you Fred and your honesty & openness with your partner. Nothing changes if nothing changes. All what you put into it will come back to you and your mate and you will both reap a harvest of more healthy and happy relationship.

All the best!

May 22, 2007
10:23 am
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risingfromtheashes
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fred, consider yourself blessed.

and I am not trying to be sarcastic here.

many people who are codep. have partners that are not so receptive to change.

they enjoy the "bonuses" that having a codep. partner brings.

codeps. are caretakers...and usually when they stop caretaking for their partner and caring for themselves first, the other partner is not always so understanding and considerate and supportive.

most want to keep being taken care of.

I know that my partner used my codep. against me, used it to manipulate and control me even more.

I am glad to hear that someone is having success with sharing....for me, I just had to find a partner that treated me well, and didn't trigger my codep. crazies...and then it got better.

May 22, 2007
11:48 pm
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thumkin
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I dont know if this belongs here or not, but my therapist told me that it is not bad to be co-dependent per se. Co-dependents are wonderful caring people. The problem only comes in when we wind up with people who take advantage of our nature.

May 22, 2007
11:52 pm
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loverbee
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I agree thumkin, but the other problem that can occur is one caretaking the other. The problem with my ex and I also was that we could and did spend days and days and days just the two of us and never EVER got sick of eachother. I know that this is partially because we are best friends but I think that sometimes we just got a little too lost in our own world. We broke up to try to individuate ourselves and maybe down the road, we will get back together but we are trying to work on that codependent aspect of our friendship as well.

May 23, 2007
9:12 pm
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fred888
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Thank you for the kind words.

May 23, 2007
9:14 pm
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fred888
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I think that communicating codept effectively can only happen if both partners have reached a point in their lives where they are willing to be honest with themselves. I think that a person who is honest with themselves would not want to be looked after anymore than the codep person would want to continue being a caretaker. In my case I didn’t realise there was anything unhealthy or even out of the norm about being a caretaker. Once I did realise it I was able to see that not only was I hurting my self but I was taking away my partner’s basic human right to responsibility and freedom. In admitting that I am codept I admit that I can’t change or control someone else’s behaviour and in admitting that, it is easy to communicate what I feel and think because I am not responsible for how other people, including my partner react to what I say, only they can be responsible for that. In my opinion people know deep down inside themselves when they are not being truthful to themselves but something stops them form admitting it maybe fear, pride, rejection etc. and I think that is what causes frustration and anger and abuse of other people or/and of substances. I think that old adage is right “the truth shall set you free.” And I think there is a biblical saying, something like “blessed is the truth”

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