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Has anyone recovered from severe/bad self-esteem problems?
December 6, 1999
3:51 pm
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🙂 ... thanks

December 6, 1999
3:55 pm
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you're welcome. It did myself good to put that down in writing. Sometimes I seem to forget 🙂 Eve

December 6, 1999
5:21 pm
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B/W thats a cool nick... Eve... wow... like a symbol...like embodying everything in a woman.... wow ...kewll.. 🙂

December 6, 1999
6:47 pm
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That's an awesome thought eve. I never really looked at things that way before! 🙂

December 6, 1999
7:01 pm
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Guest_guest.

On the 5th Dec you asked, "...what is the footwork i do?"

I cannot tell you what you should do. However, I can tell you what I did. Firstly, I realised that there were no quick fix solutions.

I set about learning about me and how I 'worked'. I did this by both formally at University and informally through private study. I studied the theory behind all the schools of psychology. I graduated with a major in psychology.

I undertook a twelve step program which I still practice today.

I started to question all of my previously held beliefs about life, God, the universe etc. I went to many different religions both Christian and non-Christian. I joined a religious organisation called the Bramha Kumaris Raja Yoga and went to India.

I informally studied philosophy.

I successfully extricated myself from an addictive relationship, a marriage breakdown and a mental breakdown.

I attended many theraphy sessions with both psychologists of differing schools and a psychiatrist. I threw away the psychiatric drugs against advice and survived by my own efforts. *** I don't recommend this to anyone else ****
I continually observe my own behaviour and feelings as I interact with others. I monitor my own thoughts. I ask myself who is the 'I' that is monitoring 'me'.

I took and still take the view that I have no absolute truths only relative ones. Thus I am open minded to new ideas and beliefs.

I got onto this BB and further learned about myself and others therein.

I developed another long standing relationship with a female partner in a living together style arrangement. Dealing constructive with the problems that I create within that relationship helps me learn about me.

From all this and much, much more comes an insight into what self-esteem is all about and how to maintain a high level of self esteem. Notice the word 'maintain'; it requires ongoing effort. One isn't cured of low self esteem as one might kill a virus. A sense of low self-worth is a 'feeling' that is woven into the very core of one's emotional fabric; it is the initial cause of low self-esteem. We can only learn to offset the effects of the recall of this emotional memory of low self worth; re cannot erase this memory completely. If we did we would become a 'vegetable'. Nor can we rewrite the emotional memory.

Emotional memory is like Read only Memory, ROM; once written it is permanent. Other memory systems in our brain are like RAM, random access memory; they can be overwritten and changed.

If you don't understand what I am talking about in this posting then gaining the prerequisite knowledge is the 'footwork' about which I speak. How you do that is up to you. I have told you how I did it over many years; too many. 🙂 That path probably won't suit you. You have to find a learning path that does.

Please understand that there are no quick fixes. Charlatans get rich by proposing that there are.

Life is the teacher; when we, the pupils, are ready the master will appear in many disguises; it is a life long journey of self-discovery.

I sincerely wish you the very best on your journey through both the furnace and the paradise of life's experiences.

December 6, 1999
9:25 pm
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No quick solutions to low self-esteem? I thought i saw a book lying somewhere titled "Learn high self-esteem in 21 days" .... 🙂 ..sorrry... just feeling [whatever] ...
well, no youre right. There is no quick fix... recently i've decided that it can take a couple of years for me to solve everything... but let me share my biggest concern... wanna know why i want everything to be done as soon as possible? Its this..: Healthy people attract healthy people. And i want my life partner to be a healthy person and i know that for that to happen i must be a healthy person myself. Even if i did get a healthy person as my partner (and i was not healthy at that time), i would'nt be able to enjoy my life fully. And i know that only cool healthy people are fully able to love each other and have fun in every sense and enjoy each other in every sense. Thats why I'm so anxious... i fear i will not be ready... I cant face the thing i will spend a major part of my life, trying to 'clear up'.. i dont know... i guess i will do my best and be ready to give whatever time it needs ...

but can someone tell me how i can find a good counselor? Someone who really wants to help me? and he/she is not after my fees? Someone i wont be wasting my time/money/effort with..? How do i find him/her? I can search the internet but they all give basically the same information... they all have degrees.. they're all licensed... etc.etc... but i know that all are not equally good.. how do i find the real good counselors?

for Hazza: I've read many times, that some people say that they used to enjoy a certain activity at one time but later they lost the pleasure in it and lost interest in it and didnt feel like doing it anymore. Why does it happen?

December 7, 1999
4:33 am
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guest,
I have never thought of this as a particular probl;em of having outside interests or hobbies.
You keep mentioning this - why?
It feels to me like you are saying " i can't get interested in this, because i may stop enjoying it?"
Has this happened to you before?
you say you have read it before,
It is true that people outgrow things but why are you afraid of this, when i was 5 yrs old. I liked to make mud pies in the garden, I don't do this anymore but so what? The fact that in time i outgrew this "hobbies" didn't stop me enjoying it then did it?

Im sorry to be hard on you guest, but I feel that you are a little hung up on this ides of getting bored of things, why don't you just try things and try not to worry how long it will last. Everything in life involves a little risk you know!

Most of my interests i expect to have for years to come, if i stop enjoying them then i will stop doing them, no major problem there, but I never worry about it, there are too many things I want to try first, I dont worry about being stuck for ideas.

Please try to relax a little, taking up a hobbie is not meant to have so much pressure attached to it, are you by any chance a perfectionist?

I just want you to relax and spend some time doing something you enjoy, it was never meant to cause you such heartache as this.

Please, relax my girl!
Take care
Hazza

December 7, 1999
8:11 am
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I had to laugh when i read your second-last line 🙂 ...
woho... yes there is(i hope 'was') this fear inside me that what'll happen if i might get tired of my hobbies? You're right... I will try them definitely and if i dont like them anymore i'll shift to something else (it may sound like duh! but i *had* it...) . Yeah, how will i find out if i dont try it. And i will definitely. I guess thats that. And i've been somewhat a perfectionist, but now it has become less and i'm glad for that.
Now it remains for the counselor question .. how to find a good one in my area...?

December 7, 1999
3:26 pm
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How do i know that i can trust a counselor and that everything I'm going to tell him will be in 'safe' hands ...?

December 7, 1999
3:42 pm
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Guest_guest.

If you didn't trust your mother and father to not hurt you, you sure as hell will have trouble trusting anyone automatically. However, this is not to say that you cannot learn to trust.

I once brought home a feral kitten that hated everyone and everything. When I tried to catch it, the kitten made mince meat of my hand . Over a period of months it slowly came to trust us. It took a lot of kindness and love. But, for all of its long life, it made mince meat out of ANY dog in the neighbourhood. It was a fearless fighter. It lived to the ripe old age of 13 years.

If you meet a therapist who is kind and trust worthy then give that person and yourself a chance to develop trust. I am sure that you will recognize such a person.

No one is perfect though and we have to learn to roll with the punches and not become too cynical.

December 7, 1999
9:23 pm
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just curious... how can a cat make mince meat out of a dog? What did it do to the dogs? dont cats normally run away from dogs?

December 8, 1999
6:31 am
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Hey guest,
Don't underestimate cats!
Ive got 5 and they all boss my dog around!
Sometimes things are not what we imagine them to be!
Pets are definetly a good hobby, go stroke a cat and tell me you dont fell better!
Take care
Hazza
You are sounding more confident already, see- just believe in yourself, you are strong, resourceful person

December 8, 1999
10:29 am
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woohoo...really? :).. you know what one of the things i'm going to do as soon as i get the chance is to keep a cat... i love dogs and birds too...i was wondering how to train cats ...like when they wanna go take a leak, they should always go to that specific designated place like a sand pit.. is it easy to train them to do that? b/w thanks for the encouragement... (my moods vary from time to time.. 🙂 )

December 8, 1999
11:43 am
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owning and loving a pet is one of the most important self loving things you can do and does help raise your self esteem, also volunteering in an area of work that has always interested you.
And try saying some positive affirmations that do not put energy into the "I have low self esteem thought"
say things to yourself like "I am increasing my self worth, I am worthy of all the abundant things that life has to offer, including love" etc

December 8, 1999
12:11 pm
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cool...thanks

December 8, 1999
6:23 pm
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Guest_guest.

This cat didn't know that it was supposed to run away. It didn't 'know the rules'. It would get against a wall and its two front paws would turn into a screaming three dimensional invisible buzz saw, Any part of the dog that came into contact with that deadly blurr was soon bloody. Many a dog ran off helping in intense pain. No dog or human ever bettered that wild,feral cat. Only love ever had an effect.

Perhaps if we humans didn't 'know our limitations' we could soar and work wonders. Perhaps we could even learn to 'really' love ourselves and thus others. Who knows.

December 8, 1999
7:35 pm
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guest, cats are usually very clean and if you get a box and put sand or kittylitter in it, then show it to the cat, they will normally go there. You have to remember to clean it out though, or they won't be happy, and will let you know (I've been there)

December 9, 1999
11:26 am
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whats the best cat to keep?

December 9, 1999
7:50 pm
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one that doesn't have a home. Do you have an animal shelter near you? Where strays are taken? You can get one there, one that would be euthanized if noone takes it.

December 12, 1999
5:44 pm
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guest_guest,
I agree with VRJ. Get an adult cat from an animal shelter and ask them for advice which of their cats they think would be suitable for you. You could also ask your local vet, that's where I got my cat from, the owners wanted to have him put down and the vet refused to do that and went looking for a new place. Is this your first cat? Then don't start whith a kitten, they are gorgious, but they need a lot of attention and time during the first year (and older cats are somewhat calmer and destroy less things :-)).
And most cats I know are good at teaching their humans what they want, just watch them a little and they show you what they need. Although I needed some time to understand that sitting there, staring in this spcial way at me means "could you be so kind to move my blanket into the sun, thank you, why did this take so long!". Have fun! Eve

December 13, 1999
6:12 am
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hazza
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hi guest,
Cats are the funniest, most independent, proud creatures i know.
I learn from my cat everyday, They are very clean, they like to be, you wont need to shw him the litter tray, he will find it!
They are very independent, they come to you when they want not when you want, it is not easy to train a cat, but they don't really need training.
My cat was a kitten of another cat of mine, he was the runt of the litter, so he has only ever known my home, but he is so funny. He keeps climbing up my shelves and trying to eat cables just to get my attention, then i shout at him to " come here and leave that alone" finally he comes over to me and purrs loudly, he knows he is not allowed in certain places but he always tests me just for his own fun!
Cats hate looking stupid and they hate being laughed at, if a cat does something stupid and he realizes you have seen him, he will suddenly pretend to be washing or pretend that he meant to fall off the wall in the first place!
Cats like to be able to roam around in a garden, do you have a garden? They like it best if they have a cat flap so they can come and go as they please, but if not they will let you know when they want to go out.
Dogs are only happy on company, dogs are co-dep. Cats are not, you will nearly always love your cat more than he loves you, at least that is what he wants you to think! When i went to canada for a week my cat wouldn't talk to me when i came back! for a week he kept coming in the room, would look me straight in the eye and then go over to my boyfriend and jump on his lap and purr! he was saying "i'll teach you to leave me for a week"
he finally forgave me, when he thought i had suffered enough!
As to what is the best type of cat?
Well a cat that needs a home as everyone else has said, if you do get a kitten, it is true they do need more care, but i think you will know when you see the cat if it isright for you. There are many older cats out there who need a good home, I have found that pedigree cats aren't usually as long-lived or healthy, they can also be a bit moody, Siamese cats are very loving but demanding- more like babies than cats, and long haired cats are always coughing up fur balls, usually in the morning just to make you feel even more sick.
There is a down side to cats, sometimes they like to show you how much they love you by bringing you a dead bird or something!
Once my cats mother started scratching at my bedroom door, i opened it and she dropped a dead butterfly at my feet and then looked up at me and meowed! I said thank you anyway but i would have prefered just a card.
All in all cats are to be recommended. It is medical fact that stroking cats and other animals reduces blood pressure, many times my cats has come to see me when i am sad and has cheered me up no end.
If you have a garden and you have the time and money, giving a cat a home is very worthwhile, let me know what you dicide!!
Meow
Hazza

December 13, 1999
12:33 pm
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Dear Eve and Hazza,

That was so cool.. 🙂 really enjoyed it.. i cant wait to keep a cat...
I had a cat some while ago once, but she used to be kept mostly outside and not allowed inside. She gave birth once to 2 kittens, one male and and the other female and both had different personalities. Particulary the female was very affectionate, the male a little unsensitive. They were so playful and they liked to play with their mother's tail. And she would move her tail about as if she was getting angry and finally she would growl and show them her anger. Is it normal for a mother cat to show this sort of anger towards her children?

Yes, i think too, cats are one of the animals who have the most dignity. You cant fool a cat can you? And yes, she'll sit there away from you, and if she doesnt want to come to you, and you're calling her (and she's not hungry at that time), she'll just blink her eyes at you like 'you calling *me*?' .. or 'Yeah...umm.. hi'

But tell me, dont cats loose their playfulness when they get older? Or do they remain like that?

And what about disease? Are cats in any ways dangerous for humans health? And can you always keep a cat in the house without worrying? How about the kitchen? Is it bad for them to be in the kitchen?
I've heard scary things about cats hair. Something like, you start choking if the hair e.g. gets into your throat... i dont know if its true...
and do you always have to wash your hands after you stroke a cat? How about if you stroke a cat and after that you use your hands in eating or preparing food? i guess you should wash them...but is it very risky or something not very serious?

And also...what about fleas? do cats have them and i hope there is some permanent cure if they can have them? i once had a cat or dog and it was not allowed in the house but somehow some fleas got into the house and they would bite so baaaad.. it was just dreadful... and i did an experiment....kept some fleas in a plastic case, sealed the case around them and kept them in the book and opened them up after a number of days and it was still freaking moving !!
Then i said, i'll teach you a lesson...i shut it up in a small chamber full of insecticide powder (insect rights activists please ignore this statement 🙂 )
and i remember it still wasnt completley dead after a number of days... it was a like a nightmare... like i said to myself...god is this thing still living? It seemed to have some super natural powers by the way it always seemed to survive... then finally i found the cure... just pinch it in half.. :)) (yucky isnt it? 🙂 )

December 13, 1999
1:24 pm
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hi guest_guest, I'll try and answer some of your cat questions.
Do cat mothers growl at their young, yes, thats normal, it just scolding rather than anger, it might translate as "leave me alone and play somewhere else, I need some rest" or even "thats no way to behave, if I was somebody else I might get very angry". It helps the kittens to learn social interactions. And like real children, kittens sometimes seem to discuss it further "is she serious" "what happens when I try it again". But when there is real danger for the kids from outside the voice of the mother cat ist totally different and the kittens don't even dream of "not obeying".
Do cats loose their playfulness, when they grow older? It depends, my old tomcat (he's 12) still loves to play but less often, and he sleeps more than younger cats do. My aunt has a 16 jear old jet black female, she is still very playful.
Are there diseases that can be transmitted from cats to people: yes, but not that many. The most serious is perhaps toxoplasmosis, this is dangerous for pregnant women or rather their children, but it can be tested for, and treated succesfully. The most frequent problem is parasites, but you can take care of that by treating the cat regularly and keeping the litter box tidy. Fleas can be a problem, but there are quite good protective medications available. Some basic hygiene rules should be: wash your hands between the cat and anything to do with food. Make sure the cat understands that the kitchen table is yours and not hers. If the cat has a favorite place where she sleeps, it is good to wash this blanket every couple of weeks. But generally cats are very tidy, and a healthy cat most likely is not a risk to your health.
Cats should have regular shots and neutering does not harm the animals. And I have a request: I understand that declawing is common practice in the US, don't do that to your cat when it can go outside.
It is a very severe handycap when moving, climbing, fighting is necessary. I heard that it is much easier for a cat to live outside on three legs than to live without claws. Eve

December 13, 1999
10:09 pm
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Another option to control parasites and other harm is to keep the cat indoors. Vets claim that this is actually healthier for them so I have done that with the two I have now and they don't mind at all. They are both neutered and spayed respectively and are quite content, yet still playful and have never picked up any unwanted parasites or got injured in any fights.. I do take them outside on leashes but I trained them when they were kittens . It's hard to leash train an older cat. And yes, they do have definite personalities. I once forgot to clean the litter box and my male climbed up on my dresser, looked right at me and peed right in my drawer. He hasn't done it before or since. He was just making a point.

December 14, 1999
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h guest and everyone else,
so de-clawing cats? you americans never cease to amaze me!!! how horrible.
Guest, you are doing it again aren't you! looking at all the worst aspects of keeping a cat, yes they do get fleas but it is not the end of the world, i have 5 cats and they regularly wear flea collars, there are sometimes fleas but not a huge infestation.
The worst experience i had of fleas was when i lived in a place and had NO animals. We had let a cat in once and i think he dropped a flea, but because we had no pets for them to eat they ate us, i mean it was a plague! the whole flat was crawling with them, we got some powder and it did the trick.
you are right that fleas are nearly indestructable! but you can drown them.
providing you cat for your cat there is no reason to keep him indoors, i too had 2 cats that i keep indoors for years because we lived near a busy road, and although it does them no harm, when we moved i let them go into the garden and i do think they prefered to have the option of going to lie in the garden when they wanted.
Nothing in life is 100 per cent guareenteed, you could find problems to anything if you wanted to, but to live life we must take risks. We must risk the thought of fleas ( which can be dealt with) in order to have the joy of owning a cat. The joys far outweigh the negatives.

The cat hair can be a nuisance, we have a joke with my mother that she keeps a jar of hairs in the kitchen and puts hem into everymeal! They just end up in the food sometimes, we do have 5 cats after all.
It has become in my home the custom that you are lucky if you find a hair! hows that for positive thinking!
So yes i have proberbly even eaten some cat hair in my life but im still here arent i? my great grandmother said " you have to eat a speck of dirt before you die"
she was also a living Victorian, born in 1895 and was like everything you read about the victorian english, if she didn't think it was a problem then believe me it is no problem!
If you groom your cat regularly then hair is no problem at all.
Well im sorry guest, but i really can find no downside to keeping a cat, i would not be without them and the times in my life when i have lived without animals i have been very sad and wished i had a pet.
My cat has just jumped up on top of my monitor as we speak!!! He seems to like it up there as it is so warm im sure its not good for the cat or the monitor, I wonder which one will blow up first! Still he is looking at me know as if to say " Yeah so, i'll go where i like Ok"
Hazza

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