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Has anyone heard of counterdependency??
November 2, 2006
12:44 pm
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Anonymous
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Hello.
I'm codependent, i know this, however my ex bf is counterdependent I think from some of the things I have been reading about. Does anyone have advice on this or any insight on how to approach someone with these bahaviors???

November 2, 2006
1:19 pm
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a "counterdependent" type of answer to your thread question might be : ..."I don´t need any answers from any of you here " ... "in fact, I don´t need anything from anybody" ......"I can do it all by myself" ...

November 2, 2006
1:32 pm
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How do you get along with someone in a relationship who is counterdependent...how do you get them to open up and break the walls they have built around themselves.

November 2, 2006
1:36 pm
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gracenotes
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Sounds like your x-bf is also what one would call a "love avoidant." Love avoidants often get together with love addicts. Love avoidants avoid intimacy, they usually have other addictions too, including, but not limited to work addiction, substance addictions, etc. There is usually something more important than his relationship with you going on at any given time. Love avoidants probably grew up in a home where there were enmeshed relationships with a parent or others and they want, but also fear closeness, because closeness in the past meant enmeshment.

Unfortuatnely, love avoidants often end up with love addicts. As one with this tendency, and seeing love addiction as a layer over codependency, I have bad boundaries with love avoidants in relationships. I want and want and want what they cannot give. I think I have recovered enough from this to not attract anything like this again and the solution has been my own personal recovery. Your counterdependent (love avoidant) could benefit from some therapy (but would probably say he doesn't need help from anyone), but I don't think this is anything you could or should be trying to fix. My advice is to work on your own issues, and this is a great place here to do this.

These ideas are mostly from a book called Facing Love Addiction by Pia Mellody. Wonderful, love-changing book for me.

November 2, 2006
1:47 pm
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Wow Gracenotes-
That really hit the nail on the head...I'm definitely going to pick up this book! What attracts people to alcoholics..is that also being codependent......why am i always trying to fix people instead of getting someone who is fixed...why is that?

November 2, 2006
8:58 pm
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Scared,

Oh, the "why" question will probably be answered in its own time, but I think right now its more important to stop the pattern, whatever it is. The answer to this "why" for me is not absolutely clear, but I think there's some kind of need to pick a person who has the same unresolved issues as a former parent or important person from being younger and then want to "fix" this person to resolve old issues. In my case, I always tended to pick critical people because I grew up with a critical parent who I was never quite right for. So, that being unresolved, I entered into this drama with someone who was critical, hoping that person would change. Of course, the other person is not going to change, but by the time I realized that I was so into the relationship, that getting out caused a lot of pain. Once I did No Contact for a period a time, did some therapy and other healing, then I learned to start being right for me. After I am the only person I can be right for, and I stopped engaging in this inner drama.

Some of that is explained in the Facing Love Addiction book too.

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