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Has anyone finally reached a point where they are just tired and bored with their own drama?
July 26, 2007
8:16 pm
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truthBtold
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Please know that I mean no disrespect for those that have a genuine need to express!

I am just thinking about a very wise post that was written by Free dated 7-23-07 under the "Peoples addicted to their own pain" thread and was wondering if anyone else has finally just got to the point that free talks about... about just finally give up the fight and embrace it.......

I think that I might be nearing that point -at least for the time being..........

thoughts anyone???????

July 26, 2007
8:49 pm
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Well, I know that when I was still with my ex I got sick of hearing my own voice go on about the same stuff. It was weird because I was concious of the fact that I was willingly staying with someone who hurt me, I MYSELF was becoming a hurtful person, and the whole thing was just getting sick. I think I started to feel unlike myself too. Just not like a "good" person anymore. I got sick of hearing myself cry and scream over the same stuff. My ex might have just been behaving like himself, but I wasn't being me. I wanted my life back. Yeah, I know what you mean by that. But I never LIKED being in that place. Just took a while to find the strength and realize I had options. Sometimes you have to be brave and it takes a while to find it within yourself.

-ella

July 26, 2007
8:58 pm
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truthBtold
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-ella,

You nailed it! It's all about seeing OPTIONS in places where you once thought none existed.

THIS IS SO KEY!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks so much for your reply!

Truly!!!!!!

tBt

July 26, 2007
11:04 pm
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truthBtold
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I'm thinking - that although this site has helped me through many hard times in the past and I am so thankful that it was there - perhaps I am maybe outgrowing it.

I have posted and responded to many recent threads/posts about the "positive" changes which have been occuring in my life - and have not received much feedback.

This leads me to believe that the majority of us would rather continue with our own dramas day in and day out - then to finally admit that there is simply nothing that we can do to change the past and have to accept it - warts and all - period - with out further explanation.

I DO realize that many of us are on different levels as far as our own progress is concerned and certainly having the opportunity to vent and ask for advice and feedback has proven extremely helpful for me....still there comes a time when you just have to realize that the past is the past.

I am so grateful for each and every response that I have ever received - most notably "free" response of 7-23 to the thread of "Peoples addicted to their own pain" that I think - to quote free's words: "The trauma just doesn't control my life anymore. It can't, kuz instead of trying to "get over it" I gave up the fight and embraced it. It's part of who I am. I don't like it. I don't like my chin either or my muffin top (I finally get what was meant by that!) when I wear tight jeans. But these things are part of me. The pain from being traumatized is part of me now, instead of something I try to push away, dwell on, hide, deny, minimize, dissociate ("split") from.

I am so grateful for these words of true wisdom from "free" and from others - that it has changed my life.

All the best to you all of my cyber-friends in finding your own peace and eventual acceptance.

I will miss you one and all!!!!!

Sincerely,

truthBtold, AKA - Brenda.

((((((HUGS))))))))

July 26, 2007
11:19 pm
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_anonymous
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My daughter and husband have a lot of drama in their life. It doesnt really affect me personally but it takes up my time. My best friend of 33 years is having drama because a neighbor is calling every agency in the world on her because he does not like her foster kids, horses, dogs or husbands collection of cars that dont run. I dont get excited by any of it but I am there to support my family and friends with their stuff as much as I can. I am in the process of putting my life in good order. And I plan on keeping it that way. Sometimes drama happens. The worse drama I ever had to face was my kids father dying suddenly. He went from critical to dead in a matter of 2 days. A lot of phone calls, since his condition was very unstable. But that was drama I would have not wanted to miss for anything in the world. The status of his condition was a major concern of mine. It was the worse drama that I had ever gone through watching this man die and not being able to do a damn thing about it.

July 26, 2007
11:46 pm
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Loralei
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truthB,

You said, "that although this site has helped me through many hard times in the past and I am so thankful that it was there - perhaps I am maybe outgrowing it."

I totally understand that. I feel very much the same way. Fortunately, the drama in my life has diminished to a point where I'm getting along ok. Yes, things could be better, but my needs are being met enough that I'm rather content with life. I don't feel the need to even discuss my personal life anymore simply because I'm coping with it and can accept it.

I do pop in to catch up on how some of my friends are doing. I don't always comment, but I do check on them. But I rarely have anything new to contribute that I haven't already said before. I think the ones who stay here are the ones still needing help and this is a good place to come to for that. But once you get yourself together, the pull to hang around this site seems to subside. At least that's the way it is for me.

There is the saying, "misery loves company" and perhaps when we are unhappy or troubled, we gravitate towards others who are in the same boat. It makes us feel that someone else understands us, can identify with us and what we are going through.

So perhaps when some of us seem to fade away, that's a really good sign.

July 27, 2007
12:51 am
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jasminum sambac
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Loralei, TruthBtold,

I'm a little puzzled, but maybe that's my own thing. You know, when I read people's posts, I don't see only misery. A lot of people post about tough times in their life, but I confess that I've gotten hooked on the site because it's so human. I read about loveliness, and fidelity, and truthtelling. People have strong opinions, and that's a gift. The courage that it takes to pick up the pieces again, even a little today, that a lot of people are showing takes my breath away.

The comic books are wrong: this, this telling the truth, inching up to what it takes to change or take a risk, sticking up for yourself, taking care of kids and other dear ones, slugging it out with your fears, forgiving yourself, accepting that people are different, making moral decisions is what being a hero is all about. Our society NEEDS what people are doing on this site in the middle of their hurting.

It is, as a member wrote recently, a support site, and Loralei you have to be right: once things in offline life get better, there has to be a natural tendency to turn to life off line. Sure.

But I'm finding a lot that's lovely mixed in with all the other things here. And I wanted to speak up for that, too.

July 27, 2007
1:39 am
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Jasminum,

This site is full of kind people reaching out to each other in the midst of their own pain. It is a beautiful thing, I agree with you.

It's unfortunate for the site that when people get better that they leave and we don't have the benefit of their warmth and wisdom any longer. But it is necessary for them so often.

You might find that some folks on Libs are people who do not post on the support side as frequently but still keep in touch. So not everyone leaves completely. But I understand why they might want to. Sometimes you get the the point where you just want to start thinking of yourself without the pursuit of mental health or whatever. I just remember how relieved I was to spend more of my hours in "the real world" when I quit my support groups. It was time. You sometimes need to integrate back into life. Actually, I look forward to it and TruthBtold is an inspiration. Some people do not leave on healthy terms. It is good to hear from someone who did, without just disappearing and leaving a mystery.

July 27, 2007
1:53 am
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truthBtold
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You are all such SPECIAL PEOPLE - I can hardly write this through the tears.

I love you all.

Thank you for just being there for me through ALL of my ups and downs and GOD BLESS this site coordinator to whom this is nothing less than a TRUE LABOR of LOVE!!!!!!!!!

Life sucks......life's unfair - but God Bless the child who's got his own.........(you know?????)

....Who's got his own.....

(Ok - oldie 70's song from Blood, Sweat & Tears............)

July 27, 2007
1:54 am
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lovinglife
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Yep..here here...I get so sick and tired of my own drama- which much of it I bring on myself and just haven't found that way quite yet to get it to end -but I'm searching, I'm hoping as I've posted away my life's drama.

When I start typing out thoughts to post (when working through my drama-and geesh do I have alot that around me!) generally in the back of my mind I'm thinking..."MAN, when is this ever going to end with me...its nothing but drama, drama, drama in my life..." However slowly that drama has been closing in as I heal, as I grow, as I'm finding those answers to why I am such a drama queen to become with! And oh about 90% of the reason why today my drama is coming to a close is because of right here- AAC and the people like myself wanting life to be better, wanting those 'drama' scenes/moments in our lives to end. I think why/how we got/arrived here in the first place was reaching that breaking point in our lives of wanting our drama to end and with that we began the jounery to do something about it.

If I didn't have that drama in my life, that trust me I AM SICK of hearing about myself, - I wouldn't need a place like AAC to work through it... perhaps to some these boards can appear to be drama filled (hey we all didn't find our way here because we were bored one day but perhaps in desperate need of help - (for myself it was to get the pain to stop and them to make sense of it so I wouldn't find myself in that shape again.) And its my drama, and others drama that is helping many of us grow within ourselves so we can move on and maybe start posting on other boards that talk about something like exchanging recipes or sharing gardening tips!! - oh how I would love to have my greatest dilemma of the day to be ..."Should I use corn starch or flour when making gravy?!" and then be able to post that somewhere on the net and have a dicussion that is not filled with questions formed because of pain, because of my lifes reality.

I hoping for the day, actually what I am working towards here is to someday to write a post very similiar to free's. It was beautiful- it was inspiring, I felt that she arrived where many of us want to be and will be at as we continue to work on ourselves( Some of us sooner than later, some of us maybe getting it, some of us maybe ever not.) And I'm sure she (free) didn't get to that point without having that one day in her life many of us experieced before finding our way to AAC when she said..."I need help, I want my life to be better, I want my life's drama to end..."

But yeppers I am SO sick of the drama in my life I've allowed to continue on or that I created. Bored with it though???...hell I wish I could be bored with it! Just was tired enough of it to want my life to change and went searching for answers. And since finding my way here...it is changing, I am changing..now its just the matter of getting it to end....thats my hope for myself as well as my fellow AAC posters.

July 27, 2007
8:26 am
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risingfromtheashes
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I found that not only do I get sick of my own drama, I get sick of OTHERS drama too.

I am scared to say this, but I feel I have outgrown my best friend.

I am sad thinking about this - as we have been so close for so many years.

But sadly, without the drama in my life, we have nothing to talk about.

I call, and it's random babbling about silly stuff - OR - the drama that is going on in everyone else's life that she is dealing with - meaning since she doesn't have me, she has found someone else with alot of drama to fill the void.

I love her to death...but since we are hours apart now and the drama is gone in my life - it seems we have nothing to bond us.

This site - I have outgrown the need for advice here...but find that I feel great when I help someone else get thru their pain. I call it paying it forward. Yes, I bring up past "drama" for the sake of discussion, but I don't feel I am dwelling on it...and I don't have any new drama that I need coaching with.

So, while I could be outgrowing the need for counsel here, I enjoy helping others get where I am.

July 27, 2007
8:36 am
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rising-

"So, while I could be outgrowing the need for counsel here, I enjoy helping others get where I am."

That pay-it-forward thing is also the essence of the 12 steps programs, the step that keeps those "old timers" in recovery according to their philosophy. Not oonly do you help others, but you are mindful of where you once were and do not want to return to.

July 27, 2007
8:36 am
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jasminum sambac
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TruthBtold, you wrote

"You are all such SPECIAL PEOPLE - I can hardly write this through the tears."

Dear Truth. It was the coincidence of when I was on the site, but I saw your posts in response to Free's opening of understanding, which she offered as a flower. It was just coincidence. I can't keep up with the threads and don't try. A lot of them I don't read. Who has the time? So I didn't plan to watch what happend to you.

I could tell from what you did: respond, and then try to show people what you saw, by bumping the thread, and then starting...what, two new threads...that you had been shown something that absolutely rocked you and you wanted quickly to give that treasure to others.

You don't need confirmation, because you KNOW this, that it's right for you write these posts, and take your leave. You've seen something that went all the way to that precious spot in you that health flows out of, and your life won't be the same. God bless.

To answer the question you asked in the title to this thread, yes indeed, and I have to take a break: turn outward to my world offscreen.

It's been my journey that I'm called back inward for more work on the dragons and dark places from time to time...it happens naturally...and that getting sick and tired and bored with my drama happens naturally, too, and I turn toward ordinary life. And then again...it might be years later, I'm called back in, and then called back out.

I occasionally have had breakthroughs that have released a lot of joy and light, shifts, like tectonic plates cracking and shifting and the landscape is forever changed, but mostly it's this being drawn in, and then exhaled back out to the world, like I am being breathed in and breathed out.

There's a book...it's a religious book, which might put some people off, and it's written in an old style of writing, but it was the place that I first saw something that explained about this being drawn in and being exhaled back into life without inner work, and especially focus on the self. The pattern has helped me. The book is The Adornment of the Spiritual Marriage by Jan Van Ruysbroeck, a Dutch man.

He described life as a spiral that goes on the entire time the person is alive. Gradually ascending the spiral, the journey takes a person inward, into interior work, and then outward, to the world, then inward, then outward. That's me. I'm on an outward part of a curve in the spiral now. Everyone makes their own pattern; there's no cookie cutter.

You've been given a door by Free and you've opened it and are walking through it in the sunlight. God bless. Another thing from the old literature: sometime look up the "gift of tears." Bless you 🙂 Play in the sun and run on.

Mzrella, you wrote: "Sometimes you get the the point where you just want to start thinking of yourself without the pursuit of mental health or whatever. I just remember how relieved I was to spend more of my hours in "the real world" when I quit my support groups. It was time. You sometimes need to integrate back into life."

Yes, indeed, I so agree. Yes, yes. It's a relief to just check the mail and worry about the price of gasoline/petrol. Yes. And there's something wrong if you are able to turn outward, but you choose to remain. A person can be addicted to their drama, or to being a victim, or can take the easier path. Life turned outward has its difficulties.

But what I spoke up for regarding this site is that it's not a holding tank that isn't life. It's not that life is only in the outward world. At least to me. I was surprised to see people reporting MORE life, both the tragedy, aching, pity partying, confusion AND the graciousness, kindness, truthtelling, and courage than I often see people acting and reporting in the outward world. Tragedy, aching and confusion happen in the offline, outward world, too. 🙂

This is a place, but it's not a place where life is not going on (you didn't say that it was). There is time to let it go...from what I can tell, some members have been on it for years...I've been reading threads for about 3 weeks...sitting alone at a computer and typing insulates you from offscreen life, and as you say, focus on yourself takes tiiiime.

But this is no lesser place, this forum. I think I'll stick strongly to my opinion here. I've seen more patience, and admirable handling of heated opinions, and that courage, that courage by inches, than I have seen in most places offscreen. All I wanted to do is stick up for that, name that, in addition to the other things being named as TruthBtold takes her leave.

😀 to me, this site isn't a "non-place" that doesn't count as living, the real life being offscreen. It's a place to be for awhile. You see I don't disagree at all.

But I'VE seen something about these sparklings of good and true in people on this site, and wanted to bump, simply to bump a perception of that up, a couple of times before the topics went on to something like that. Let's say that that's my breakthrough about the site for now.

I knew people suffering physically can at the same time pour out good and strength to the people around them. Sometimes the very sick and dying do that, down to their last breath. My father's last words were to a nurse's aide, and they were a bowshot of truth so clean and pure. He had his own journey. His body was shutting down. He was on the great inward journey. But he took one of his breaths and shot an arrow of truth to another human being. I've seen gracious building up of the common good among the very sick physically.

But I didn't know, because I hadn't been around people on or offline who were in any kind of community as they dealt with the kind of mental and relational problems people bring on the site, that those wrestling with addiction, abuse, codependency, fear, violence also can, and want to and accomplish, pouring out good and strength.

This site is full of that, too.

OK, I've had my say.

July 27, 2007
5:05 pm
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balancesekr
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YES, I got bored with my drama! and stopped drinking, I have been to an AA meeting every single day for like 2-1/2 weeks, haven't had a drink in 21 days, and am facing my emotions on my own with no alcohol to hide behind.

I got sick of the revolving door I was living in. In AA I have found that alcoholism is a disease of your thinking! It is very common to have a duality with your thoughts! So I am living in the solution now cause I was so sick of living in the problem and nothing changing except that time was passing and people around me seemed to be moving on with their lives.

I got sick of being the VICTIM which I posted at the turning point for me.

I too, got sick of hearing my own voice complaining about the same stuff, posting on here about the same problem over and over again.

That is great Truth, that you think you are there, you probably are right on the brink of a major change! Go for IT!

b

July 27, 2007
5:11 pm
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jasminum sambac
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Hello balancesekr

"It is very common to have a duality with your thoughts!"

Could you explain that a little?

July 29, 2007
3:13 am
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startingover
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Hi all

I never wanted or needed any drama, I am the type that thrives on consistency, but yes, I got tired of being miserable all the time. Have you ever cried so hard that you have no tears left? Of course, we all have. I compare it to that...there is a time to give up, let go, move on, whatever. I don't agree that misery loves company. My misery was desperate for happiness, support and advice from people who had "been there". This site has been a Godsend for me, and I hate to think that I will ever "outgrow it". I hope I can help someone else.

I am far from healed. I am backing myself into a corner, very reclusive and lonely a lot. I do it to myself, and soon will be an empty-nester, too. I don't really know how to change, but I hope to learn from others who have been there. I have a lot of codependent traits: I work too much, I love too much, I don't have a playful side.

Still, my life is very good, and productive: I am grateful for every day and I am optimistic that things will get better. I hope the people who have done better will not leave the site, we need them, too.

SO

July 30, 2007
2:02 am
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Starting over-

Your post was so honest, and sweet. It was comforting to read for a lot of reasons. Hope and kindness among them.

-ella

July 30, 2007
8:13 am
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I have a different opinion about "outgrowing this site". I don't think it is a sign that someone healed completely, I think it is a sign that they just started to heal, if healing completely is ever possible; no one will ever be perfect.

From observing myself and others I see that people often first come here in lots of pain (I did) and are very grateful for the support they receive here (I was). When they start feeling better they are able to see more what's going on with other posters, what's "wrong" and they want them to speed their healing and either become very passionate about their view point and by all means want to prove their points or are very abrasive while giving advice to other posters, or both. Is kind of a "light bulb" moment, which often is much longer than just a moment: "how can you not see what I see? How cannot you see what is right in front of you?" kind of thing. I think this attitude also serves purpose to "make believe" that the new discovery is the truth, and this is the way it is going to be from now on. Another reason for that it might be that the nerves are still exposed and that someone who just recently went through a lot of pain will react more intensively.

I was very passionate about my views. I still may be passionate in what comes in writing but all what I do is I am bringing my arguments or points of view. If that helps someone - great, if not - there is nothing I can do about it, and frankly it is not my worry. It seems to others like I am passionate or angry, but the truth is that for quite a while I don't get angry anymore. I am cool like a cucumber, while in the beginning I really wanted to prove my point, for myself and others to understand.

Does this mean that I am "healed" ? Well, yes and no. Healing from abandonment I experienced, which was a reason I was seeking help in the first place, might take me a few more years; maybe not. Can I function in my everyday life unlike before? Yes I can. There is no drama in my life at all, just everyday stuff and I am coping just fine; except from time to time I don't feel well, because my swirling is not over yet.

Meanwhile I've made a few friends here (at least I would like to think so) and I enjoy the discussion. How much I read and post depends on how much time I am able to devote here. It is not my "lifeline" anymore, but it doesn't mean that I am unable to acept that others might not be at as comfortable place as I am and are still struggling. I learnt to accept that and I think beside the immediate help I received here in times of despair, the great advantage and gift of this site is that I learnt so much about others and myself, things which are not related to my original problem which brought me here.

I don't see this site as a grade school which you can outgrown. You can stay here till phd if you open your eyes, if you really able and willing to learn. Of course you can leave and chose some other place as well, it's your choice.

Having said all the above, except myself, I don't have any particular person in mind. These are my observations and reflections here, that's all. Take what you want and leave the rest.

July 30, 2007
5:33 pm
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Matteo-

Your post was well stated, I agree, that healing is a lifetime process. It is painful to see people who are where you were when you were worse off, and I know people who have felt others' pain almost as if it were a contagion- but it is not that- it is only your empathy at work and that is a good thing. It means your better when you can feel for others. How many people did you care about when you were in the midst of drama? (I'm using the collective "you" here... no one take this personally.) I agree with those above who wish that people could stay and use this gift of feeling to help others, but I also understand that for some it is very hard and they need to move on.

Maybe after we feel like we can make major changes, and there is a lot of drama, then it takes on a different form- such as those who share their experience with others, being the best listeners through their wisdom, and even giving advice that not even a professional who hasn't "been there" can communicate in quite the same way. That's an aspect of healing that some people would rather not participate in. Maybe it is due to a lack of boundaries, or maybe they would just like to enjoy their lives for a while until they reflect back on all the stuff that hurt them so much I do not know. Some people need that distance, some for a while, some forever. Everyone is different.

Admittedly, as I have shared before I never got to the stages in my 12 step program where I felt like I could stay and not seek out the things that did me harm in the first place. It was weird, like walking a thin line. It helped for when I was there, and then I felt the need to jump ship and try something unrelated to drugs. I needed to disassociate with that element of life, and I haven't looked back. But maybe that has been to my detriment because I never learned to build strong enough boundaries to protect myself from being around active addicts or alcoholics. Sometimes at work, etc... you cannot choose your company. So far, I have been lucky. This is something I will have to deal with if the unfortunate circumstance presents itself. Drugs will always be a temptation for me. Did I do the right thing? It's hard to say. A lot of people stay clean and sober in the programs and make wonderful healthy friendships. Maybe I would have. You never know. I just didn't want it to be my identity. Maybe that's denial, but I didn't want it to be me any longer.

I'm rambling. I just liked what you wrote Matteo and Jasminum. Like you, I feel this is my safe place where I can seek help and humbly offer anything I can to those in need. I know I've gotten a lot of comfort here, maybe someday I will offer it as well as I received it.

-ella

July 31, 2007
9:47 am
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risingfromtheashes
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I think our healing is like peeling back layers of an onion.

there are so many layers.

and with our issues - especially ones going back to childhood - there are MANY layers to our healing and recovery.

and I think we can't even know how many layers there are - until we are in the thick of it.

and even then - once we think we have "done it"...we later find a layer we missed.

while i know I am in a better place and for the most part as healthy as I need me to be...I KNOW there is more "layers" to be peeled back...and by staying here, even just to keep up helping others...those layers may expose themselves in time.

if I stop coming here...I may never know what those layers are...or what else needs to be fixed.

July 31, 2007
8:05 pm
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Sweet TBT/Brenda~

I have GOOD news for you hon. It Does get better, trust me. I'm a living proof of it.

Very soon down the road...you will be filled with giggles, smiles, laughs and joys. Just be careful in your choice of friends and surroundings. Choose people who have the same values and principles as you. Otherwise, you will wind up with whiny, grumpy and resentful people and they are not only detrimental to our healing, but they can in deed make you lose your joy.

Say this this affirmation to yourself every day upon waking up:
"I AM DETERMINED TO ENJOY THE JOURNEY AND I AM ON MY WAY." WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

(((HUGS)))

August 4, 2007
11:13 pm
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startingover
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Hi Rasputin

You give very good advice and I plan to remember to choose people with the same values and principles. I have not done that in the past, and it is a basic truth.

Thanks as always. I am glad you are happy now.

SO

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