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Harmony stifles
February 17, 2004
11:49 am
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eve
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People are individuals - that means they are different, diverse, subjective and they don't always agree. In other words: conflicts are naturally human, and harmony is rare, and doesn't come naturally.

Conflicts are based on expectations, our own and other's, expctations that we talk about and those that we don't even realize we have. Everybody seems to seek and promote harmony, unity, security - conflict seems to be a "bad" word. But harmony and unity are not what keeps us together, what really matters for keeping a relationship is how we deal whith conflict. The main thing is not to solve one conflict, to win a conflict, or even to avoid conflicts, its to find a good way to deal whith conflicts. Find a way to negotiate, discuss, haggle, talk through your conflicts in a way that the relationship is not damaged. If you suppress a conflict that is important to you, you damage yourself. If you suppress conflict, because you want to be soft whith somebody - you are in fact treating him/her as if they are not adults but kids, that need to be pampered, and you are the superior that knows what's best.

February 17, 2004
11:54 am
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mj
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So True Eve.

I am learning it is not all or nothing but the process of being. Part of being is being true to oneself and working through the conflict. What a concept...:)

February 17, 2004
12:22 pm
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eve
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I think that having a good fight in a relationship is really important (it doesn't have to be all the time, of course, but it has to be). Fight, conflict - aren't these words that make us nervous. I had a friend once who taught me that it shouldn't make me nervous - it should make me interested (what, why, HOW, who...?). I'll be forever grateful for that lesson.

February 18, 2004
11:00 am
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mj
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So when you say, Harmony stifles...are you saying that are greatest growth occurs during a conflict? Care to share more about your lesson learned?

February 19, 2004
10:21 am
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eve
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I was bought up in a "oh, grils don't fight whith each other, thats not nice"; "girls don't shout" family. And my first long-term bf hated to fight, and didn't like discussions - so we didn't have many.

It was an education for me, to realize that differences are a natural part of life, and that it is interesting, and challenging, and fun to find a good way to solve conflicts. Also you really get to know people when you do some work on your relationship. If you always agree - you don't really learn much about the other person (nor about yourself).

February 19, 2004
10:23 am
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Anonymous
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I agree with you Eve, if you cannot discuss things, or have a healthy argument you hold all that anger inside and then it does worse things to you than if you talked or argued about it with that person. I think that people should express how they feel regardless of their sex. I have met men that think that a womens place is to be obedient, well I am far from taking orders from anyone, and to not share my opinion or let someone know when something they have done upsets me.

February 19, 2004
11:22 am
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mj
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Good food for thought.

Harmony stifles us 🙂 I get it.
If I am true to Myself and not afraid to explore my conflicts fairly and honestly, then I can have true growth.

I cower in conflicts at times, but that is probably what creates the repressed anger issue I suffer from.

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