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January 1, 2006
9:06 pm
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reese26
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so, i met a guy on thanksgiving eve... we've been on more than several dates and yet it is so hard to tell if he likes me or not. It is so easy to say that he likes me when I am with him, but than he doesn't call for several days in between and it makes me think he doesn't like me. So, the latest development in this is as follows: Last Tuesday we go on a date and he tells me he has a surprise for me, it's not anything big but that I would see that he listens real well... the surprise ended up being a box of chocolate covered cherries which are my favorite things in the whole world which i guess i told him on our first date and he says to me: "See, now you know I am thinking of you even when you are not here" (so sweet!) anyway needless to say the date went really well as it always does... so then christmas is that sunday and i text messaged him merry christmas and he texted me back, "merry christmas cutie" ...later i texted him asking if he wanted to possibly go to the movies that night and he texted me back saying that he couldn't cause he had to do the family thing. so, tuesday i texted him asking him to go out either wednesday or thursday... he texted me back saying wednesday should be alright, i told him to call me that night to make plans.. he didn't call... so the next day he texted me in the morning saying that he didn't know what time he could meet up with me because he had to find a place to live (he was living with his parents) and he asked me if he could call me after work, so i said yes that would be fine and asked him if everything was ok... he texted back " not really, i've had a rough couple of days" and asked me if i had called the night before from a different number, i wroted back that i did call from my friend's number because my cell was low on minutes and that if he did want to go out that night, it would be my treat and that maybe that would cheer him up a bit... so, after that he didn't call me that night and hasn't called since, even though i have called a couple of times... i even wrote him a text message saying "i know that you're having a rough time right now and i don't want to bother you but if you're not calling cause u don't want to hang out anymore, thats cool, just tell me"...now, i figure that he got kicked out of his house cause he said he had a rough couple of days and that he had to find a place to live but i would think he would still call... am i just being crazy thinking that he doesn't like me cause hes not calling, or is it a legitamate concern? and what should i do about it? please help with the situation in figuring out what to do, i need some peace of mind

January 1, 2006
9:14 pm
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sdesigns
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Hi reese: You may not want to hear this but I think you need to back off a bit. It sounds like he does like you, but it seems you are doing most of the pursuing by calling and texting him quite often. I think you need to let him make the calls and invite you out instead of you making all of the moves. You don't want to come off as needy or clingy or smothering, do you? Plus it sounds like he's busy with some issues, so maybe give him some space and take your time.

SD

January 1, 2006
9:24 pm
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Anonymous
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do you know for fact that he lives with his parents and not with a wife?

I find it odd that he asked if you called from a different number - why would that matter? Unless the number caused a problem for him on some level.

Did you ask why he wondered that?

His having to move may very well be upsetting and something he is not ready to "share" with you so early in the relationship - he may not want to burden you with his problems this early on.

Either way - it is not for you to figure out how behaviour - but to decide if it's acceptable to you or not. And I would give him the space he needs - and if/when he is ready to date you again - it would be reasonable to ask for an explanation. And to be cautious. Explain how the "silence" made you feel - and hopefully he will not make you feel that way again. If he does - then toss him back.

Also - in the early part of dating - it is not unreasonable to go days without talking to someone - I think it's codependent to think you need constant contact. But I understand that there is a fine line and balance that should be achieved.

January 1, 2006
9:25 pm
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Anonymous
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or did you call from a "guy" friend's number and perhaps that made him wonder if you were with another guy?

January 1, 2006
9:26 pm
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mamabear
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I agree with SD

- When someone is going through some tough times, it is hard to have to focus on the new person they are seeing and having to worry about their insecurities. I think you would do well to let him have some space too. Be strong and let him work through his stuff, that will be much more attractive to him I think. He is dealing with issues, that much you've made clear, so it doesn't mean that he doesn't like you at all, just that your relationship is not his top priortity. We all have needs that need to be met.

Ever hear of the pyramid of needs? I think it was Maslow. Someone else could probably tell you more about that.

Love and hugs,
Mamabear

January 2, 2006
9:19 am
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reese26
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sd-- thanks for the input, i think you are absolutely right. i don't want to come off as needy or clingy. i haven't called or texted since new years eve and i don't plan on calling or texting him, i am waiting for him to call me and that is the hard part

alicat--yeah, he definitely lives with his parents cause i was at his house and met his dad and all that.. i didn't ask why he wondered why i called from a different #...i just figured that he saw a # he didn't know and was just wondering if it was me and i told him it was from one of my girlfriend's number who he has met already

mamabear--thanks so much for taking the time to listen and give me some advice...i hope that it is just that he is not focused on our relationship because of his issues right now.. i am not going to call him, i am waiting for him to call me, and even though i say i am not expecting him to call, i am still waiting anxiously. i am gonna definately look up the pyramid of needs

Thanks so much guys!

January 2, 2006
9:49 am
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Mishy2sons
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Yes, it was Maslow. Here it is:

Self-Actualization
Knowledge
Esteem
Belonging
Safety
Survival
Beauty

I don't have anything to add to the excellent advice you already received.

January 2, 2006
9:50 am
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I have said this to others. If he is interested he will come to you. You have made it known that you like him. If he is interested he will come to you. Your part is down.

January 2, 2006
9:52 am
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Mishy2sons
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1. The physiological needs. These include the needs we have for oxygen, water, protein, salt, sugar, calcium, and other minerals and vitamins. They also include the need to maintain a pH balance (getting too acidic or base will kill you) and temperature (98.6 or near to it). Also, there’s the needs to be active, to rest, to sleep, to get rid of wastes (CO2, sweat, urine, and feces), to avoid pain, and to have sex. Quite a collection!

Maslow believed, and research supports him, that these are in fact individual needs, and that a lack of, say, vitamin C, will lead to a very specific hunger for things which have in the past provided that vitamin C -- e.g. orange juice. I guess the cravings that some pregnant women have, and the way in which babies eat the most foul tasting baby food, support the idea anecdotally.

2. The safety and security needs. When the physiological needs are largely taken care of, this second layer of needs comes into play. You will become increasingly interested in finding safe circumstances, stability, protection. You might develop a need for structure, for order, some limits.

Looking at it negatively, you become concerned, not with needs like hunger and thirst, but with your fears and anxieties. In the ordinary American adult, this set of needs manifest themselves in the form of our urges to have a home in a safe neighborhood, a little job security and a nest egg, a good retirement plan and a bit of insurance, and so on.

3. The love and belonging needs. When physiological needs and safety needs are, by and large, taken care of, a third layer starts to show up. You begin to feel the need for friends, a sweetheart, children, affectionate relationships in general, even a sense of community. Looked at negatively, you become increasing susceptible to loneliness and social anxieties.

In our day-to-day life, we exhibit these needs in our desires to marry, have a family, be a part of a community, a member of a church, a brother in the fraternity, a part of a gang or a bowling club. It is also a part of what we look for in a career.

4. The esteem needs. Next, we begin to look for a little self-esteem. Maslow noted two versions of esteem needs, a lower one and a higher one. The lower one is the need for the respect of others, the need for status, fame, glory, recognition, attention, reputation, appreciation, dignity, even dominance. The higher form involves the need for self-respect, including such feelings as confidence, competence, achievement, mastery, independence, and freedom. Note that this is the “higher” form because, unlike the respect of others, once you have self-respect, it’s a lot harder to lose!

The negative version of these needs is low self-esteem and inferiority complexes. Maslow felt that Adler was really onto something when he proposed that these were at the roots of many, if not most, of our psychological problems. In modern countries, most of us have what we need in regard to our physiological and safety needs. We, more often than not, have quite a bit of love and belonging, too. It’s a little respect that often seems so very hard to get!

All of the preceding four levels he calls deficit needs, or D-needs. If you don’t have enough of something -- i.e. you have a deficit -- you feel the need. But if you get all you need, you feel nothing at all! In other words, they cease to be motivating. As the old blues song goes, “you don’t miss your water till your well runs dry!”

He also talks about these levels in terms of homeostasis. Homeostasis is the principle by which your furnace thermostat operates: When it gets too cold, it switches the heat on; When it gets too hot, it switches the heat off. In the same way, your body, when it lacks a certain substance, develops a hunger for it; When it gets enough of it, then the hunger stops. Maslow simply extends the homeostatic principle to needs, such as safety, belonging, and esteem, that we don’t ordinarily think of in these terms.

Maslow sees all these needs as essentially survival needs. Even love and esteem are needed for the maintenance of health. He says we all have these needs built in to us genetically, like instincts. In fact, he calls them instinctoid -- instinct-like -- needs.

In terms of overall development, we move through these levels a bit like stages. As newborns, our focus (if not our entire set of needs) is on the physiological. Soon, we begin to recognize that we need to be safe. Soon after that, we crave attention and affection. A bit later, we look for self-esteem. Mind you, this is in the first couple of years!

Under stressful conditions, or when survival is threatened, we can “regress” to a lower need level. When you great career falls flat, you might seek out a little attention. When your family ups and leaves you, it seems that love is again all you ever wanted. When you face chapter eleven after a long and happy life, you suddenly can’t think of anything except money.

These things can occur on a society-wide basis as well: When society suddenly flounders, people start clamoring for a strong leader to take over and make things right. When the bombs start falling, they look for safety. When the food stops coming into the stores, their needs become even more basic.

Maslow suggested that we can ask people for their “philosophy of the future” -- what would their ideal life or world be like -- and get significant information as to what needs they do or do not have covered.

If you have significant problems along your development -- a period of extreme insecurity or hunger as a child, or the loss of a family member through death or divorce, or significant neglect or abuse -- you may “fixate” on that set of needs for the rest of your life.

This is Maslow’s understanding of neurosis. Perhaps you went through a war as a kid. Now you have everything your heart needs -- yet you still find yourself obsessing over having enough money and keeping the pantry well-stocked. Or perhaps your parents divorced when you were young. Now you have a wonderful spouse -- yet you get insanely jealous or worry constantly that they are going to leave you because you are not “good enough” for them. You get the picture.

Self-actualization

The last level is a bit different. Maslow has used a variety of terms to refer to this level: He has called it growth motivation (in contrast to deficit motivation), being needs (or B-needs, in contrast to D-needs), and self-actualization.

These are needs that do not involve balance or homeostasis. Once engaged, they continue to be felt. In fact, they are likely to become stronger as we “feed” them! They involve the continuous desire to fulfill potentials, to “be all that you can be.” They are a matter of becoming the most complete, the fullest, “you” -- hence the term, self-actualization.

Now, in keeping with his theory up to this point, if you want to be truly self-actualizing, you need to have your lower needs taken care of, at least to a considerable extent. This makes sense: If you are hungry, you are scrambling to get food; If you are unsafe, you have to be continuously on guard; If you are isolated and unloved, you have to satisfy that need; If you have a low sense of self-esteem, you have to be defensive or compensate. When lower needs are unmet, you can’t fully devote yourself to fulfilling your potentials.

It isn’t surprising, then, the world being as difficult as it is, that only a small percentage of the world’s population is truly, predominantly, self-actualizing. Maslow at one point suggested only about two percent!

The question becomes, of course, what exactly does Maslow mean by self-actualization. To answer that, we need to look at the kind of people he called self-actualizers. Fortunately, he did this for us, using a qualitative method called biographical analysis.

He began by picking out a group of people, some historical figures, some people he knew, whom he felt clearly met the standard of self-actualization. Included in this august group were Abraham Lincoln, Thomas Jefferson, Albert Einstein, Eleanor Roosevelt, Jane Adams, William James, Albert Schweitzer, Benedict Spinoza, and Alduous Huxley, plus 12 unnamed people who were alive at the time Maslow did his research. He then looked at their biographies, writings, the acts and words of those he knew personally, and so on. From these sources, he developed a list of qualities that seemed characteristic of these people, as opposed to the great mass of us.

These people were reality-centered, which means they could differentiate what is fake and dishonest from what is real and genuine. They were problem-centered, meaning they treated life’s difficulties as problems demanding solutions, not as personal troubles to be railed at or surrendered to. And they had a different perception of means and ends. They felt that the ends don’t necessarily justify the means, that the means could be ends themselves, and that the means -- the journey -- was often more important than the ends.

The self-actualizers also had a different way of relating to others. First, they enjoyed solitude, and were comfortable being alone. And they enjoyed deeper personal relations with a few close friends and family members, rather than more shallow relationships with many people.

They enjoyed autonomy, a relative independence from physical and social needs. And they resisted enculturation, that is, they were not susceptible to social pressure to be "well adjusted" or to "fit in" -- they were, in fact, nonconformists in the best sense.

They had an unhostile sense of humor -- preferring to joke at their own expense, or at the human condition, and never directing their humor at others. They had a quality he called acceptance of self and others, by which he meant that these people would be more likely to take you as you are than try to change you into what they thought you should be. This same acceptance applied to their attitudes towards themselves: If some quality of theirs wasn’t harmful, they let it be, even enjoying it as a personal quirk. On the other hand, they were often strongly motivated to change negative qualities in themselves that could be changed. Along with this comes spontaneity and simplicity: They preferred being themselves rather than being pretentious or artificial. In fact, for all their nonconformity, he found that they tended to be conventional on the surface, just where less self-actualizing nonconformists tend to be the most dramatic.

Further, they had a sense of humility and respect towards others -- something Maslow also called democratic values -- meaning that they were open to ethnic and individual variety, even treasuring it. They had a quality Maslow called human kinship or Gemeinschaftsgefühl -- social interest, compassion, humanity. And this was accompanied by a strong ethics, which was spiritual but seldom conventionally religious in nature.

And these people had a certain freshness of appreciation, an ability to see things, even ordinary things, with wonder. Along with this comes their ability to be creative, inventive, and original. And, finally, these people tended to have more peak experiences than the average person. A peak experience is one that takes you out of yourself, that makes you feel very tiny, or very large, to some extent one with life or nature or God. It gives you a feeling of being a part of the infinite and the eternal. These experiences tend to leave their mark on a person, change them for the better, and many people actively seek them out. They are also called mystical experiences, and are an important part of many religious and philosophical traditions.

Maslow doesn’t think that self-actualizers are perfect, of course. There were several flaws or imperfections he discovered along the way as well: First, they often suffered considerable anxiety and guilt -- but realistic anxiety and guilt, rather than misplaced or neurotic versions. Some of them were absentminded and overly kind. And finally, some of them had unexpected moments of ruthlessness, surgical coldness, and loss of humor.

Two other points he makes about these self-actualizers: Their values were "natural" and seemed to flow effortlessly from their personalities. And they appeared to transcend many of the dichotomies others accept as being undeniable, such as the differences between the spiritual and the physical, the selfish and the unselfish, and the masculine and the feminine.

Metaneeds and metapathologies

Another way in which Maslow approach the problem of what is self-actualization is to talk about the special, driving needs (B-needs, of course) of the self-actualizers. They need the following in their lives in order to be happy:

Truth, rather than dishonesty.
Goodness, rather than evil.
Beauty, not ugliness or vulgarity.
Unity, wholeness, and transcendence of opposites, not arbitrariness or forced choices.
Aliveness, not deadness or the mechanization of life.
Uniqueness, not bland uniformity.
Perfection and necessity, not sloppiness, inconsistency, or accident.
Completion, rather than incompleteness.
Justice and order, not injustice and lawlessness.
Simplicity, not unnecessary complexity.
Richness, not environmental impoverishment.
Effortlessness, not strain.
Playfulness, not grim, humorless, drudgery.
Self-sufficiency, not dependency.
Meaningfulness, rather than senselessness.

At first glance, you might think that everyone obviously needs these. But think: If you are living through an economic depression or a war, or are living in a ghetto or in rural poverty, do you worry about these issues, or do you worry about getting enough to eat and a roof over your head? In fact, Maslow believes that much of the what is wrong with the world comes down to the fact that very few people really are interested in these values -- not because they are bad people, but because they haven’t even had their basic needs taken care of!

When a self-actualizer doesn’t get these needs fulfilled, they respond with metapathologies -- a list of problems as long as the list of metaneeds! Let me summarize it by saying that, when forced to live without these values, the self-actualizer develops depression, despair, disgust,alienation, and a degree of cynicism.

Maslow hoped that his efforts at describing the self-actualizing person would eventually lead to a “periodic table” of the kinds of qualities, problems, pathologies, and even solutions characteristic of higher levels of human potential. Over time, he devoted increasing attention, not to his own theory, but to humanistic psychology and the human potentials movement.

Toward the end of his life, he inaugurated what he called the fourth force in psychology: Freudian and other “depth” psychologies constituted the first force; Behaviorism was the second force; His own humanism, including the European existentialists, were the third force. The fourth force was the transpersonal psychologies which, taking their cue from Eastern philosophies, investigated such things as meditation, higher levels of consciousness, and even parapsychological phenomena. Perhaps the best known transpersonalist today is Ken Wilber, author of such books as The Atman Project and The History of Everything.

(http://www.ship.edu/~cgboeree/.....aslow.html)

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