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hard time letting go, in alot of pain
February 25, 2006
7:56 pm
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criedout
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I left him after 25 years, I "broke his heart" as he puts it. He abused me for so long that I dont even know who I am. I am still not used to this peace and quiet. Im only used to chaos and craziness, tantrums, and then the "the nice guy" the next day. I am trying so hard to let go, getting counceling, journaling my thoughts, and lots of crying. How could I miss this monster and how could I question myself about divorcing him? but i do, its been a year, he wont have anything to do with me or his daughter because I "hurt" him, he made me feel so guilty, I think about the good times together but they never lasted, but I miss him and I feel so sad and depressed. Twenty-five years of us are gone forever and its so hard this pain I feel now, I never thought when I divorced him that I would end up feeling so sad. I cant even listen to a radio without still filling up. He feels like the victim now when he should have said "I don't blame you" This pain is the hardest thing I have ever felt in my life, it feels like a death, I want to feel happy and not so lonely but the last thing I want is another guy right now. Will I ever really let go after all these years. I feel that he will move on and I'll be stuck mourning and still unhappy.

February 25, 2006
8:13 pm
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lollipop3
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Hi criedout and welcome to the site.

You said...." This pain is the hardest thing I have ever felt in my life, it feels like a death"

It's no wonder that you feel this way. In a sense it is a death. The death of your relationship. The death of the hope that he would change. It is perfectly normal for you to be feeling this way. You are grieving this loss and as painful as it is, it is necessary for you to heal.

I can't imagine how difficult it must to end a relationship after 25 years but you musn't feel guilty for allowing yourself the chance to have the happy, healthy life that you deserve.

I know my words can not take away the pain, but I want you to know that you are not alone.

Take care,
Lolli

February 25, 2006
9:06 pm
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taj64
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Im in the same boat as you. It is like I do not know who I am. I do not wwant a relationship. All I can tell you is that the best healer in the world is time. That ultimate universal healer. Loss of a loved one is most painful experience to go through, yet it allows us to feel love again. I can honestly say that im just about hit my rock bottom. Im lost. Im confused. I feel as if i am the most alone person and nothing will ever be the same or that I will ever feel the way I used to feel. But I have to mourn my loss and I will come through. I will have hard days. I will have some good. And so will you. Allow yourself the time to heal and to mourn. Im right there with you.

February 25, 2006
9:50 pm
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criedout
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thankyou lolli and taj64- I am so relieved I found this site, to know Im not alone in all this mess and you understand how I feel, my friends try but they havent been through it so they dont get how I could even feel anything for him but hatred. Im so tired of feeling down and I hope after I get through all this that the 25 yrs of surviving abuse I will be able to help others. THANKS AGAIN, CRIEDOUT

February 25, 2006
10:05 pm
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criedout
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TAJ64- Not knowing who I am or where I belong or where I'll end up is driving me crazy, Im having flashbacks now from the trauma he has put me through. Im so used to that womwn I used to be, she's gone for good and whats left is this stranger I dont know how to help. I was very busy being an abused wife it takes alot of your time keeping the peace etc, your adrenaline and shoulders are always tense and i was forever thinking only of his needs during the day etc. I was a busy woman and now its just me and the quiet and I cant get used to it.

February 25, 2006
10:28 pm
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patsynomore
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yes, it's tough--it feels so natural to be nurturant to others and get lost in their issues. do some simple things for yourself--for a change--I might just make some muffins in the morning and hang out in the library in the afternoon. it sounds so simple--yet so sane--I'm trying to make my way out of a 10 year destructive relationship and definetly going the one day at a time route...

February 26, 2006
9:03 am
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taj64
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I see both of us need to accept the change and find a new way to live. It takes a lot of time. Just allow it.

February 26, 2006
11:10 am
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patsynomore
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Guess the big question is how? Sometimes I still long for an easy answer, and fear that I'll just go headlong into another relationship, I've already started the overtures...but at least I'm admitting it this time. I know/feel that i should be focusing on self love/validation vs. needing it from others.

February 26, 2006
4:10 pm
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criedout
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I keep flip flopping back and forth. one or two hours of thinking about all the bad and then the next minute I'm crying because I miss him. I am doing things , little things for myself to feel better and I try to buy myself something every week now even if it's just a candle for my apt. He was incredibly handsome and I know that alot of woman are after him now that they know we're divorced but I also know what they are in for, he is not what he seems. I can't even imagine being with someone else, I don't trust anymore, I am trying to trust myself that I will stay away and not seek him out because I am depressed. I know that it's time for me to love myself and I haven't done that for many years, I want to be "content" with "myself" just "content would be great, its not money or power, just to get through this mourning phase however long it takes. Your so right, it does have to start with "self love". I don't want to take all this baggage into another relationship if/when that ever happens. I met my husband in a bar when I was twenty-one, now I'm 47 and that is the last place I would put myself in. My mother always said "geography is everything, that's what kind of man you get when you go to a bar". she saw it coming and I didn't. I'm not saying that every guy that hangs in one is abusive but now I really know what she meant. I took a "bubble bath" yesterday because I felt like it, I laid in bed and painted my toenails a color that "I" liked because I felt like it, so i guess it is all about baby steps and it's a journey. I have always been in a relationship so this is all very strange for me. but now I seem not to mind getting older when theres no man in my life to make me feel inadequate. He wiped his rear with that marriage, I just flushed the toilet.

February 26, 2006
5:02 pm
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patsynomore
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criedout--that was a very strong analogy. I'm so sorry that you are in so much pain, but after all those years together, the loss must feel overwhelming at times.

February 26, 2006
5:50 pm
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criedout
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patsynomore- Thankyou. The pain is like a hole in my gut, I wake up and he's the first thing I think of when theres so much else to worry about now that I'm on my own, and he's the last thing I think about before I fall asleep. I'm obsessing and I even have dreams about him, it's like it never gives me a break. I'm trying to be good to myself. I've lost weight, I can't eat, my eyes are irritated from crying, but I have to be ok or I'll be a crazy person, I have to get through this. It seems like he can live without me just fine, I have to get that through my head. He should be curled up in a fetal
position sobbing because he lost me. At least that's what I was hoping for, wanting him to be in as much pain as I am. And I shouldn't care what he feels, but it does keep creeping up on me.

February 26, 2006
6:36 pm
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patsynomore
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Criedout---sometimes i realize--even if it was just for 10 minutes--how good it feels not to think about him. i put on music that i love--and watch alot of The Comedy Channel but totally avoid romantic comedies! Eventually the 10 minutes gets longer and longer...hope this helps

February 26, 2006
10:43 pm
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criedout
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patsynomore- Thanks so much for your help and understanding, and Im going to take ten right now.

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